rexus

My best friend has made it 121 days clean and I couldn't be prouder and she is finally making the strides in life that I always thought possible. She goes to her meetings and you can see she seems significantly happier then I have seen in a long time. Where does my confusion come in well I guess I'll have to go back a little bit. We dated for about a year two years ago and things where fine except little did I know she had started taking pills about 6 months before we started dating and as her addiction to pills grew as our romantic relationship fizzled. I never abandoned her and our relationship changed from a romantic one to a "best" friend’s relationship. We were there for each other no matter what for the last 2 years. We spoke or texted a lot everyday about anything and everything. Unless she was attempting to hide something about her addiction we shared everything. In the interests of full disclosure I was a complete enabler. Looking back that meant I was there to clean up a lot of messes and I was just about the worst enabler that a person could be i would bring the damn things to her. I never used the stuff and justified everything by saying "well she doesn't drink so this is her vice so I won't judge." I hold a lot of guilt because of enabling a ton of her behavior. The worse it got for her the more I was there to pick up the pieces and make sure that she didn't bottom out and lose everything. Obviously that was probably the worst thing to do but I care so much for her I didn't know another way. It got so bad that she decided she wanted to quit last February. I put her on my couch for a week and attempted to detox her all by myself. Knowing what I do now that was one of the worst things I could of done and where I thought I was helping and covering up her issue for her I actually could of hurt the progress and potentially killed her. Not surprisingly she was back to the pills a short time later. Fast forward a few months and it all finally comes to a head. We are in a roll over car accident (no one was injured). Now the interesting/surprising part is she was not on any pills when the accident happened but what came next probably saved her life. The ambulance took her to the hospital (she was in shock) and they left me on the side of the road with the police to try to sort out what was happened. Well after I got one of my employees to come pick me up I went to the hospital where the family already was there. After about an hour the family turned on me and took me to lobby and began chastising me and attempting to get me to tell them what was going on. I told them the truth that she wasn't on anything at the time and they continued to dig into her history and what she was doing. As per usual I didn't give her up and this time it actually was for the best. After they threatened me in every possible way I decided it was probably best that I leave and accusing me of being on drugs. I told my injured friend that her family just flipped on me and she probably should stop insulting their intelligence and I went home. Now her family life its a very broken home and has been a mess for a long time and her mother has had lots of problems including her own battles with addiction, but for all their issues I learned on thing in the last 121 days, thoug they have a funny way of showing it sometimes they all love her very much. When her father came back in the room she exploded on him and in her anger she finally fessed up about the pills. All the wounds that these damn things had formed with her family where now out in the open and there was a chance. Her mother has been in recovery for years and saw all the signs but couldn't ever get the proof. Two days later she finally made the commitment to toss the pills and go to NA meetings and do everything she could to get better. Well that was a 121 days ago today and I am thrilled but it also had a unintended consequence, the girl I fell in love with 3 years ago is back and actually is better then that in many ways because there are no absolutely pills. I also know that I should have kept those thoughts to myself but again I am not too bright and I let her know that. She is committed to getting herself better and not dating anyone for a while and I totally respect that. The problem is since I ran my mouth about it she knows how I feel and now she has distanced herself. I went out of town for Christmas I left on the 23rd and from that point on she has been very distant. She and I going an afternoon without out talking now it is stretching to entire days and then they are brief and only if I start them and occasionally she will just ignore me. I know logically what is the best thing for her but all these feelings are literally tearing me up inside. Remove all of it and I and what you have is she and I are best friends. We got together the other night and had a little talk about it and she was very logical about it and said. “For a long time you have been my everything and I relied on you for everything and I just shouldn’t and cant do that” My response was that it actually made perfect sense and I would completely support that but it was very selfish of her to just disconnect with out really telling me why. I also told her that with her current "situation" changes in behavior especially distance make me worry. I know I need to swallow my feelings and wait and see what happens that is a challenge and I am sure I can keep the deeper feelings down but all I really want is my friend back. I know it’s selfish and juvenile but its how I feel. I do know this much I will absolutely without a doubt sacrifice my perceived happiness to make her sobriety last; that is the most important thing to me.

I apologize for the rambling but I have held this all in for a long time and it feels good to release it.

This is my first time dealing so closely with addiction and in the last 121days I have learned so much about recovery and attempting to help my friend and this website is a fantastic resource and has helped me greatly already but any advice that anyone has would be greatly appreciated.

Chino

Find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. It's her responsibility to heal herself and your responsibility to heal yourself. The greatest gift and assistance you can give her, is the one you give yourself.

That isn't what I wanted to hear when I first started this journey with my daughter, but it is the only thing that continues to work for both of us. No amount of sacrifice on my part will make or break my daughter's sobriety. Like many others I learned that the hard way.

I did not cause it, I can't control it, I cannot cure it.

teke

hi rexus, welcome to sr. i agree with chino. focus more on you, find a meeting, keep coming here reading and posting. i do understand your concern but i do believe that if its meant to be, then it will be. you and yours are in my prayers.

NeedingHelp7

Rexus first I want to say welcome to SR.

Believe me when I say I know how you are feeling. Sad, sad, sad.

Although I think you have taken the first step and came out of some denial (admitting you're enabling), I think you are still dealing with withdrawls. She was a toxic relationship (poisionous), and as soon as you realize this, and let her go, you are going to have a hard time. I don't think this woman loved you, I think she used you, and she is admitting that to you. The relationship on her part was never built on love, it was built on you were her enabling connection. It will be quite the road to recovery for you, and hopefully a lesson learned.

Hope the best for her, but hope the best for yourself too. Let go, that's what she is asking you to do now. You can't make her want you. I know thats hard to bear, but it's the best thing.

As soon as you get better, I hope you find someone who doesn't have a past or present with drugs/alcohol. Someone that suits you better, someone who will love for who you are.