Happy New Year! Sharing Strength and Hope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
Happy New Year! Sharing Strength and Hope
Hi everyone,
Quick update.
I was with my first high school sweetheart for 9 years. It is hard to say whether he was an addict / alcoholic when I met him, or if it developed in time- because towards the end I realized I really don't know if i knew him sober or not.
I cried a LOT, and I cried every day, when we were together or when we were broken up. :rotfxko
When we broke up (as in he chose drugs/alcohol over me for the last time) i didnt not know if i would make it through my own recovery. I went to CoDa, AlAnon, got a sponsor, did yoga, read books, went to a counselor twice a week, and probably some other crucial things im forgetting.
Anyway, nothing seemed to help and this went on for many months (in which i was still actively engaged in the alcoholic).
Finally I moved away. Up into the last day- and even a little bit after I moved, I thought our relationship was reconcilable. I still had the hope things would get better. I guess you could say I definitely detached either.
Well, months go by- and I can now say I am happily, happily truly blessed to not have the active drug/alcoholic closely in my life. I can't say hes completely out, because I will ocassionally talk to him to offer love and support but in an extremely, extremely minimal / detached way.
I no longer have the tears, the anxiety, the constant obsessing. I mean i was -obsessed, I couldnt hold jobs... I was a mess.
But again, I finally detached- I moved(!!!!!) as a last resort basically, to force myself away... and focus on myself. As things slowly got better, I was in fact able to attract another man, (i spent years saying that XABF was the only one, for sure, for me or the only one id meet). This man has a Masters, is a life coach for kids with autism, has his **** together, and is much much much more attractive (although it helps that he is never drunk or high!).
Anyway, i feel for everyone out there going through the obsessing, the anxiety, and the stress.
I hate that you are going through this- but please know it can and will get better . SR is a great way to start. I hope you will find it as beneficial as I did... it was a major part of my steps towards a healthier lifestyle (not just with dealing with the XABF, but also being inspired by other members and their strength and ideas).
Good luck to you, and stay strong.
f I can do it, you can too.
Quick update.
I was with my first high school sweetheart for 9 years. It is hard to say whether he was an addict / alcoholic when I met him, or if it developed in time- because towards the end I realized I really don't know if i knew him sober or not.
I cried a LOT, and I cried every day, when we were together or when we were broken up. :rotfxko
When we broke up (as in he chose drugs/alcohol over me for the last time) i didnt not know if i would make it through my own recovery. I went to CoDa, AlAnon, got a sponsor, did yoga, read books, went to a counselor twice a week, and probably some other crucial things im forgetting.
Anyway, nothing seemed to help and this went on for many months (in which i was still actively engaged in the alcoholic).
Finally I moved away. Up into the last day- and even a little bit after I moved, I thought our relationship was reconcilable. I still had the hope things would get better. I guess you could say I definitely detached either.
Well, months go by- and I can now say I am happily, happily truly blessed to not have the active drug/alcoholic closely in my life. I can't say hes completely out, because I will ocassionally talk to him to offer love and support but in an extremely, extremely minimal / detached way.
I no longer have the tears, the anxiety, the constant obsessing. I mean i was -obsessed, I couldnt hold jobs... I was a mess.
But again, I finally detached- I moved(!!!!!) as a last resort basically, to force myself away... and focus on myself. As things slowly got better, I was in fact able to attract another man, (i spent years saying that XABF was the only one, for sure, for me or the only one id meet). This man has a Masters, is a life coach for kids with autism, has his **** together, and is much much much more attractive (although it helps that he is never drunk or high!).
Anyway, i feel for everyone out there going through the obsessing, the anxiety, and the stress.
I hate that you are going through this- but please know it can and will get better . SR is a great way to start. I hope you will find it as beneficial as I did... it was a major part of my steps towards a healthier lifestyle (not just with dealing with the XABF, but also being inspired by other members and their strength and ideas).
Good luck to you, and stay strong.
f I can do it, you can too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey, genrs! So great to see you here again. Thanks for the wonderful update. I remember how torn you were, last time you dropped by, and it just makes my heart smile to see that you've gotten through that transitional period and gotten on with your life.
It takes a leap of faith, when we're trapped in the drama and chaos of a certain relationship, to know that there are others out there who will love us the way we WANT to be loved -- others who are honest and supportive and strong, for themselves and for us. And aren't addicts
You could not have convinced me of this when I was trapped in a relationship with an alcoholic. But I see it now so clearly.
Please keep checking back with us and letting us know how you are!!
It takes a leap of faith, when we're trapped in the drama and chaos of a certain relationship, to know that there are others out there who will love us the way we WANT to be loved -- others who are honest and supportive and strong, for themselves and for us. And aren't addicts
You could not have convinced me of this when I was trapped in a relationship with an alcoholic. But I see it now so clearly.
Please keep checking back with us and letting us know how you are!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by genrs123 
But again, I finally detached- I moved(!!!!!) as a last resort basically, to force myself away... and focus on myself. As things slowly got better, I was in fact able to attract another man, (i spent years saying that XABF was the only one, for sure, for me or the only one id meet). This man has a Masters, is a life coach for kids with autism, has his **** together, and is much much much more attractive (although it helps that he is never drunk or high!).
Question - did you feel as though you were completely over your ex BEFORE you met your new boyfriend or was it after you met someone wonderful that you felt you were able to finally let go?
"As things slowly got better, I was in fact able to attract another man." It sounds like it was a new relationship that sped up that process.
I wonder sometimes if thats what it takes. It's almost like the unknown weakens our self-confidence when we leave. I mean, think about how we'd feel if when we left, we KNEW a great, sober guy was there waiting for us. How much easier would that make the leaving? Would we even obsess at all?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
Genrs123, your story is so similar to mine, right down to the high school sweetheart, 9 years together, first love, the one and only soul mate, feels like I'll never love again or get over him. He also lives in close proximity (3 houses down the street) and it's killing me. I have been thinking over the last few days that moving may very well be the only way I will get over this. I'm too close....he sucks me back in very easily. Thank you for posting, you give me hope and inspiration, and right now it feels like the tears just will never stop dropping....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
Replies
@ GiveLove, Yes- thank you for being honest and supportive of me from the start. I am so so so thankful for you and other members who shared their strength and hope when I had none... i mean really- none. I will keep posting and I hope to help someone else as you/others have helped me here.
@ HARLEY D. - You can PMsg me any time. As GiveLove mentioned, I was extremely torn up when I was on here. I am not exaggerating when I say I cried all day everyday non stop, and obsessed. It was fierce. So, please know I can listen to your story and be supportive as much as you need- I am SO thankful to have a support group here- as well as outside. But here people understand your behavior, your thought patterns and really truly "get" what youre going through. As do the people in AlAnon if you havent given that a shot? They dont even mind how much you post, or anything. Its a really great place. but again, feel free to contact me any time because i am very blessed, while going through that, and also now.
HarleyD, my ex also was in extreme proximity. He had two jobs to support his habit both were basically in my backyard, a block away. Also conveniently located to where his friends all worked, and the bar. (Which was why my house was also convenient for him to stay at when he thought of me and staying over... a whole nother story
I lived in Atlanta, which is surprisingly much smaller than one would think. He was always on foot / bike, and I drove / walked everywhere in the neighborhood. No matter what time of day, I would run into him. And the grief in doing so! I was always on the look out, and likely i would see him. I would see people or a bike that looked like him and think it was, because i was so paranoid and it was so common to do so.
Moving has been a great help- I luckily decided going to graduate school on campus vs. online was a better decision.
The reason why I think moving helps is because you get unstuck from your thinking. You create new neurological patterns (instead of the one regarding your X) to replace the old. You see a bigger and often more beautiful picture, and meet new people. Now granted, i miss being around my friends who also knew us through these years. These people here dont really get me and the drama i went through / working through (even now).
@ KEEPPEDALING
I did NOT feel i was completely over my ex when i ran into this person (who i should also point out- is no longer my boyfriend yikes. got to work a bit harder on me and my behavior again...)... However, when i moved i joined a dating site (not match.com etc) and i met people off of it (not him) who i could tell valued me and were much much better (worldlier etc). These people were also a nice distraction and a wake up call for potential / hope. it did speed some aspects of this up, but by the time this happened it had been almost a year and officially over a year since our break up, when i met that person so it still wasnt exactly speedy i worked all day every day during that year, too. again, i hadnt offically cut of exABF... so getting over him was not just slow- it was basically not possible in the situation i was in.
I know how hard it is to "get over" your one true love, or even get away from. I really truly did not know if i was going to live through this depression/grief of the situation as it worsened. Moving and having some space really helped give me the ability to do so. You really just have to focus on you- and what you want, and your own good. and that is it. no more no less.
Let me say, that if i had known i was going to (let alone could) meet someone as attractive and caring and funny etc etc. (he is a really amazing catch). I wouldnt have cried. I wouldve run. I have often told this (newer)person that. If i had known i wouldnt have been so heartbroken, but - its part of the process and it makes you you. i learned a lot, and hitting my own rock bottom forced me to move- which i probably wouldnt have done otherwise.
again, it did somewhat speed the process up- because my attention was given to someone who deserved it. Because i never really had an amazing hot man treat me right, or... a hot man... or someone who treated me right at all (hehe) i didnt really believe it was possible i guess. so knowing what it was like to be with one- made me REALLY recognize how not healthy and how much better i DID deserve-- something my friends told me that i couldnt really grasp. "You can do better" is an understatement.
.
It was just a beautiful summer day. I had decided I was going to live freely, and explore the new big city. so much to do here! I was going to enjoy it. I made a conscious decision to appreciate my life more, and stop thinking about him. He wasnt thinking of me. And that was kinda a relief. in fact, it was glorious! it had been enough time where i could see our relationship for what it was. which isnt to say i didnt/dont truly have a deep love for my X. but As I walked, I thought about how truly lucky I am that not only my XBF / Qualifier was out of my life (which honestly was his choice more than mine at the time) - and my other qualifier, my brother- was as well. I had developed a greater relationship with my parents too during this time (previously resentful / strained). I mean, when i stopped looking at them, and obsessing and feeding this obsession and reading all these self help books i wasnt enjoying life. its good to balance the grief with living. i wasnt living so. when i stepped outside i just was like, man this is good. i felt connected to something bigger, and less concerned with the past and what i didnt have control over (finally). and literally just an hour later. bam. met said guy.
Obsession is like a fireball. If you keep feeding it information, it is going to get bigger. I was able to exstinguish (sp?) my fire for said X because no one would tell me anything about him, and eventually i happily slowly detached.
So when i met this person, it was literally right as i accepted- a new life- and was so greatful for doing so. Again the moving help because hard as i tried, i had to think of other things and new ways.. a lot of them!!! i moved to a much larger city.
@ HARLEY D. - You can PMsg me any time. As GiveLove mentioned, I was extremely torn up when I was on here. I am not exaggerating when I say I cried all day everyday non stop, and obsessed. It was fierce. So, please know I can listen to your story and be supportive as much as you need- I am SO thankful to have a support group here- as well as outside. But here people understand your behavior, your thought patterns and really truly "get" what youre going through. As do the people in AlAnon if you havent given that a shot? They dont even mind how much you post, or anything. Its a really great place. but again, feel free to contact me any time because i am very blessed, while going through that, and also now.
HarleyD, my ex also was in extreme proximity. He had two jobs to support his habit both were basically in my backyard, a block away. Also conveniently located to where his friends all worked, and the bar. (Which was why my house was also convenient for him to stay at when he thought of me and staying over... a whole nother story
I lived in Atlanta, which is surprisingly much smaller than one would think. He was always on foot / bike, and I drove / walked everywhere in the neighborhood. No matter what time of day, I would run into him. And the grief in doing so! I was always on the look out, and likely i would see him. I would see people or a bike that looked like him and think it was, because i was so paranoid and it was so common to do so.
Moving has been a great help- I luckily decided going to graduate school on campus vs. online was a better decision.
The reason why I think moving helps is because you get unstuck from your thinking. You create new neurological patterns (instead of the one regarding your X) to replace the old. You see a bigger and often more beautiful picture, and meet new people. Now granted, i miss being around my friends who also knew us through these years. These people here dont really get me and the drama i went through / working through (even now).
@ KEEPPEDALING
I did NOT feel i was completely over my ex when i ran into this person (who i should also point out- is no longer my boyfriend yikes. got to work a bit harder on me and my behavior again...)... However, when i moved i joined a dating site (not match.com etc) and i met people off of it (not him) who i could tell valued me and were much much better (worldlier etc). These people were also a nice distraction and a wake up call for potential / hope. it did speed some aspects of this up, but by the time this happened it had been almost a year and officially over a year since our break up, when i met that person so it still wasnt exactly speedy
i worked all day every day during that year, too. again, i hadnt offically cut of exABF... so getting over him was not just slow- it was basically not possible in the situation i was in. I know how hard it is to "get over" your one true love, or even get away from. I really truly did not know if i was going to live through this depression/grief of the situation as it worsened. Moving and having some space really helped give me the ability to do so. You really just have to focus on you- and what you want, and your own good. and that is it. no more no less.
Let me say, that if i had known i was going to (let alone could) meet someone as attractive and caring and funny etc etc. (he is a really amazing catch). I wouldnt have cried. I wouldve run. I have often told this (newer)person that. If i had known i wouldnt have been so heartbroken, but - its part of the process and it makes you you. i learned a lot, and hitting my own rock bottom forced me to move- which i probably wouldnt have done otherwise.
again, it did somewhat speed the process up- because my attention was given to someone who deserved it. Because i never really had an amazing hot man treat me right, or... a hot man... or someone who treated me right at all (hehe) i didnt really believe it was possible i guess. so knowing what it was like to be with one- made me REALLY recognize how not healthy and how much better i DID deserve-- something my friends told me that i couldnt really grasp. "You can do better" is an understatement.
.
It was just a beautiful summer day. I had decided I was going to live freely, and explore the new big city. so much to do here! I was going to enjoy it. I made a conscious decision to appreciate my life more, and stop thinking about him. He wasnt thinking of me. And that was kinda a relief. in fact, it was glorious! it had been enough time where i could see our relationship for what it was. which isnt to say i didnt/dont truly have a deep love for my X. but As I walked, I thought about how truly lucky I am that not only my XBF / Qualifier was out of my life (which honestly was his choice more than mine at the time) - and my other qualifier, my brother- was as well. I had developed a greater relationship with my parents too during this time (previously resentful / strained). I mean, when i stopped looking at them, and obsessing and feeding this obsession and reading all these self help books i wasnt enjoying life. its good to balance the grief with living. i wasnt living so. when i stepped outside i just was like, man this is good. i felt connected to something bigger, and less concerned with the past and what i didnt have control over (finally). and literally just an hour later. bam. met said guy.
Obsession is like a fireball. If you keep feeding it information, it is going to get bigger. I was able to exstinguish (sp?) my fire for said X because no one would tell me anything about him, and eventually i happily slowly detached.
So when i met this person, it was literally right as i accepted- a new life- and was so greatful for doing so. Again the moving help because hard as i tried, i had to think of other things and new ways.. a lot of them!!! i moved to a much larger city.
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