Taken For Granted - No Respect
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Taken For Granted - No Respect
Been thinking alot about this as it suddenly occured to me a few weeks back that part of the reason I feel so bad about myself is because I feel that NO ONE respects me or thinks about me. I don't seem to factor into anyones decision making process.
At first I thought it was just the ABF, in the past I would always accuse him of it.
But now the more I look at my whole family, the more I see that it's everyone, not just him.
My Mum. My Brother. My Nan. My Daughter.....I'm never a priority, always forgotten about or pushed to one side.
Just a couple of examples...My Nan forgot to buy me a Christmas present...everyone else in the family was remembered. It's not that I didn't get a present, she gave me money after Christmas but it's not that, it's the fact she forgot me and only remembered afterwards.
My brother is away. My Mum, Sister-in-Law, my Daughter and myself have all written to him, he's replied to everyone but me, like I don't matter. He's also phoned everyone but me...we're close, I don't think he's being vindictive, simply not figuring me into the equation, thinking I won't be bothered. It's expensive ringing but why don't I matter?
My daughter saved her pocket money to buy Christmas presents...again, didn't buy mine and then instead of buying it went to the cinema with her friends and spent all her money. Again, not that I wanted a present but the thing is I didn't matter. I ask her to do anything for me and it's met with sigh's or refusals..literally anything.
My Mum...I did all her Christmas shopping and paid for it online as she was so busy with work (highpowered job) on the understanding that she would pay me back after Christmas and take me to the DIY centre out of town so I could buy paint for my hall (need to decorate quickly as I've the floor fitter coming next week). I asked her yesterday to take me today, she said no, she was having the weekend off and doing nothing at all as she'd been so busy. I've now found out she's invited my sis-in-law and the baby for dinner today.
These are just very small examples of behaviour, that looking back has gone on for years and years..infact even the same kind of things with friends throughout my childhood and teens. Best friends going behind my back with old boyfriends..friends standing me up or being very late with the thought that "Nat won't mind".
Codependant?
Why do people treat me like this, how do I stop it? I never say no but I don't want to be a people pleaser. Am sick of giving and getting nothing back. That sounds bad because I don't do things for people to "get things back", I just feel like I'm important enough to be figured into peoples decision making process sometimes and I'm infuriated and very, very hurt by these realisations that practically everyone I know doesn't think about me at all.
Good ol' reliable Nat. I can't talk to anyone about it either because I wouldn't want to hurt them. I don't figure they're doing it on purpose, just not thinking. But am thinking as it's not just isolated to one person it must be something to do with me, some vibe?
And why am I figuring out all this just now?
At first I thought it was just the ABF, in the past I would always accuse him of it.
But now the more I look at my whole family, the more I see that it's everyone, not just him.
My Mum. My Brother. My Nan. My Daughter.....I'm never a priority, always forgotten about or pushed to one side.
Just a couple of examples...My Nan forgot to buy me a Christmas present...everyone else in the family was remembered. It's not that I didn't get a present, she gave me money after Christmas but it's not that, it's the fact she forgot me and only remembered afterwards.
My brother is away. My Mum, Sister-in-Law, my Daughter and myself have all written to him, he's replied to everyone but me, like I don't matter. He's also phoned everyone but me...we're close, I don't think he's being vindictive, simply not figuring me into the equation, thinking I won't be bothered. It's expensive ringing but why don't I matter?
My daughter saved her pocket money to buy Christmas presents...again, didn't buy mine and then instead of buying it went to the cinema with her friends and spent all her money. Again, not that I wanted a present but the thing is I didn't matter. I ask her to do anything for me and it's met with sigh's or refusals..literally anything.
My Mum...I did all her Christmas shopping and paid for it online as she was so busy with work (highpowered job) on the understanding that she would pay me back after Christmas and take me to the DIY centre out of town so I could buy paint for my hall (need to decorate quickly as I've the floor fitter coming next week). I asked her yesterday to take me today, she said no, she was having the weekend off and doing nothing at all as she'd been so busy. I've now found out she's invited my sis-in-law and the baby for dinner today.
These are just very small examples of behaviour, that looking back has gone on for years and years..infact even the same kind of things with friends throughout my childhood and teens. Best friends going behind my back with old boyfriends..friends standing me up or being very late with the thought that "Nat won't mind".
Codependant?
Why do people treat me like this, how do I stop it? I never say no but I don't want to be a people pleaser. Am sick of giving and getting nothing back. That sounds bad because I don't do things for people to "get things back", I just feel like I'm important enough to be figured into peoples decision making process sometimes and I'm infuriated and very, very hurt by these realisations that practically everyone I know doesn't think about me at all.
Good ol' reliable Nat. I can't talk to anyone about it either because I wouldn't want to hurt them. I don't figure they're doing it on purpose, just not thinking. But am thinking as it's not just isolated to one person it must be something to do with me, some vibe?
And why am I figuring out all this just now?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Dear The Missus,
I wanted you to know I read your post and I understand!
I found that somehow the less I respected myself, the more zi attracted people who don't respect me. The more I started to value myself the more I attracted people who treated me better.
It was hard giving up some "friends" and valuing myself and my time even if it pissed off family, but in the end it has been better for me.
I don't know if that helps at all, but I just wanted to share my experience.
We value you!!!
I wanted you to know I read your post and I understand!
I found that somehow the less I respected myself, the more zi attracted people who don't respect me. The more I started to value myself the more I attracted people who treated me better.
It was hard giving up some "friends" and valuing myself and my time even if it pissed off family, but in the end it has been better for me.
I don't know if that helps at all, but I just wanted to share my experience.
We value you!!!
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I also understand how you're feeling. I used to think it was just xabf who had no respect for me but the more I started thinking about everything and everyone around me, the more I realized it really wasn't just him.
My truck was stolen about a month ago. I have had to ask for a ride anywhere and everywhere and it's been like pulling teeth. My bff has been good though, even called several times to ask if I needed to go get anything cause she'd give me a ride. Last night aunt flow visited early and I wasn't prepared....had two "plugs" in my bag and that was it. So I called my bff and asked if she'd run me to the store quick. She said she had a headache, maybe she could give me a ride tomorrow after she got off work at 5. I asked if she'd sit here with my kids and I'd go, then she could just relax here for 20 minutes while I did it. She told me to wad up some paper towels and she'd come by on her way to work in the morning.
A year ago they were fixing to have their electricity shut off cause she was behind $75....I had extra cash so when she asked if she could borrow it I gladly helped out. I have yet to get any of that money back. Six months ago the transmission went out on her van. I had my work truck so I let her take my personal truck for the week while her van was in the shop. She asked for one ride, I gave her a weeks worth of travel. I did, and do similar things, like this not for what I may get in return but because these are my friends and if I can help I want to help. I don't think it's being co-dependent, I think it's just doing what a helpful person should do. And you never know when you may need help yourself. But I guess I'm the only one who sees it that way.
I hate to have the "why should I" attitude but it's hard not to. Why should I help someone else if they aren't going to turn around and help me when I need it the most?
I agree with gns. I've been trying hard to pay more attention to ME and give me more respect. Guess I need to try a little harder too.
My truck was stolen about a month ago. I have had to ask for a ride anywhere and everywhere and it's been like pulling teeth. My bff has been good though, even called several times to ask if I needed to go get anything cause she'd give me a ride. Last night aunt flow visited early and I wasn't prepared....had two "plugs" in my bag and that was it. So I called my bff and asked if she'd run me to the store quick. She said she had a headache, maybe she could give me a ride tomorrow after she got off work at 5. I asked if she'd sit here with my kids and I'd go, then she could just relax here for 20 minutes while I did it. She told me to wad up some paper towels and she'd come by on her way to work in the morning.
A year ago they were fixing to have their electricity shut off cause she was behind $75....I had extra cash so when she asked if she could borrow it I gladly helped out. I have yet to get any of that money back. Six months ago the transmission went out on her van. I had my work truck so I let her take my personal truck for the week while her van was in the shop. She asked for one ride, I gave her a weeks worth of travel. I did, and do similar things, like this not for what I may get in return but because these are my friends and if I can help I want to help. I don't think it's being co-dependent, I think it's just doing what a helpful person should do. And you never know when you may need help yourself. But I guess I'm the only one who sees it that way.
I hate to have the "why should I" attitude but it's hard not to. Why should I help someone else if they aren't going to turn around and help me when I need it the most?
I agree with gns. I've been trying hard to pay more attention to ME and give me more respect. Guess I need to try a little harder too.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
FAmily dynamics are hard to change, I'm the scapegoat in my family and some still laugh at me, belittle me. Alcoholic families especially are jacked up.
I've created very clear boundaries with folks who don't respect me. I say, I don't want to be treated this way. When it continues (and in my family it has) I stop talking to them. Guilt tripping doesn't work either because then I've said, "I already explained to you how I feel when you do this and you don't respect me. This is how I choose to deal with it."
You can stand up for yourself, but don't expect anyone to cheer you on. I get the positive reinforcement from no contact, seeing how it helps my self esteem and belief in myself. That's been my experience.
I've created very clear boundaries with folks who don't respect me. I say, I don't want to be treated this way. When it continues (and in my family it has) I stop talking to them. Guilt tripping doesn't work either because then I've said, "I already explained to you how I feel when you do this and you don't respect me. This is how I choose to deal with it."
You can stand up for yourself, but don't expect anyone to cheer you on. I get the positive reinforcement from no contact, seeing how it helps my self esteem and belief in myself. That's been my experience.
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Trans is right. Boundaries are very good for helping you not be taken advantage of. Clearly communicated and followed through on is the key I believe.
Congrats Trans on being able to put up your boundaries. I am still working on that one!
Congrats Trans on being able to put up your boundaries. I am still working on that one!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I love this recovery phrase: "What others think of me is none of my business." (I don't know who said it tho)
When I expect positive feedback from others I'm allowing them to be in control of my emotions. It never works out nice for me when I do that- yet I have continued to expect affirmative responses in order to justify doing for someone else what they could and should do for themselves.
I've also learned that there are those who dropped me as 'friends' once I stopped the cycle of allowing others to use me. The first time that happened was a real eye opener about my own judgement & choices. It takes two to play that game.
When I first started working on this issue, I often denied that the expectations were there in the first place- it put gas on the fire that was destroying my self esteem which was based on being 'nice' so others would like me & show the appreciation I craved.
My counselor once told me that kind of freedom to just 'be' is the best thing in the world. It's not based on my performance nor other peoples' actions. This way, there are no complicated ties between myself and things that are out of my control
It's so nice to be myself and do what I feel and think is right for me; nowadays if doing just that makes someone else's day a bit brighter- then it's just icing on the cake.
When I expect positive feedback from others I'm allowing them to be in control of my emotions. It never works out nice for me when I do that- yet I have continued to expect affirmative responses in order to justify doing for someone else what they could and should do for themselves.
I've also learned that there are those who dropped me as 'friends' once I stopped the cycle of allowing others to use me. The first time that happened was a real eye opener about my own judgement & choices. It takes two to play that game.
When I first started working on this issue, I often denied that the expectations were there in the first place- it put gas on the fire that was destroying my self esteem which was based on being 'nice' so others would like me & show the appreciation I craved.
My counselor once told me that kind of freedom to just 'be' is the best thing in the world. It's not based on my performance nor other peoples' actions. This way, there are no complicated ties between myself and things that are out of my control
It's so nice to be myself and do what I feel and think is right for me; nowadays if doing just that makes someone else's day a bit brighter- then it's just icing on the cake.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I've told my daughter that her lack of thought hurts my feelings but she's just a kid and so I don't expect her to act on my words really, although to be shown a little more consideration would be nice. One NY resolution is to be a bit stricter with her and more of a "Mum" and less of a friend.
I've not said anything else to anyone. My nan is old and wouldn't have done it on purpose, just forgot.
My brother I know doesn't mean harm, phoning home is expenisive so he prioritises and he wouldn't have a clue that not ringing me would bother me, and my Mum..it's difficult. I love my Mum to bits and she's the one person I trust but I do feel that she takes me for granted without realising it.
I feel like I'd be a moaning b*tch to say anything to anyone, ya know?
I've thought about the boundry thing but then the things I do for people, such as looking after my Mums pets whilst she's away...I don't mind doing at all. But when I ask a favour in return it's met with "Oh I'm busy"..which she is (very) but I always seem to be the one person she can let down or put off till another day and it's ok.
I don't want to be demanding of her time but why not put something else off once in a while?
It's actually pretty difficult to describe what I'm feeling, I'm a bit mixed up myself. I've been trying to make changes in my life, just little ones but ones that make me feel a bit better about myself. Going to a weight loss class, lost 3 stone so far. Am reading alot, writing in my diary, on the waiting list for councelling and really, really considering my local Al-anon class (but am shy!) and I think I'm feeling better and then something thoughtless that someone else does, something silly, small and insignificant will set me off and make me feel down and I'm letting other peoples actions effect how I feel about me.
My moods feel all off too...it's like I've just realised all this stuff and now I'm looking out for it and so something small that might have just irked me for a few seconds, now makes me dwell on things for hours.
I've not said anything else to anyone. My nan is old and wouldn't have done it on purpose, just forgot.
My brother I know doesn't mean harm, phoning home is expenisive so he prioritises and he wouldn't have a clue that not ringing me would bother me, and my Mum..it's difficult. I love my Mum to bits and she's the one person I trust but I do feel that she takes me for granted without realising it.
I feel like I'd be a moaning b*tch to say anything to anyone, ya know?
I've thought about the boundry thing but then the things I do for people, such as looking after my Mums pets whilst she's away...I don't mind doing at all. But when I ask a favour in return it's met with "Oh I'm busy"..which she is (very) but I always seem to be the one person she can let down or put off till another day and it's ok.
I don't want to be demanding of her time but why not put something else off once in a while?
It's actually pretty difficult to describe what I'm feeling, I'm a bit mixed up myself. I've been trying to make changes in my life, just little ones but ones that make me feel a bit better about myself. Going to a weight loss class, lost 3 stone so far. Am reading alot, writing in my diary, on the waiting list for councelling and really, really considering my local Al-anon class (but am shy!) and I think I'm feeling better and then something thoughtless that someone else does, something silly, small and insignificant will set me off and make me feel down and I'm letting other peoples actions effect how I feel about me.
My moods feel all off too...it's like I've just realised all this stuff and now I'm looking out for it and so something small that might have just irked me for a few seconds, now makes me dwell on things for hours.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by cmc 
I've also learned that there are those who dropped me as 'friends' once I stopped the cycle of allowing others to use me. The first time that happened was a real eye opener about my own judgement & choices. It takes two to play that game.
Originally Posted by cmc
When I first started working on this issue, I often denied that the expectations were there in the first place- it put gas on the fire that was destroying my self esteem which was based on being 'nice' so others would like me & show the appreciation I craved.
Also with my daughter, I think I feel guilt from how I was as a parent when the ABF was drinking so now I give her ALOT of leaway, spend alot of time with her, more time laughing and joking and less time disciplining her...plus I love to see her happy and hate punishing her, I think she's just learnt that I'm a soft touch and I don't want to be the big, bad parent, I want us to get on.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Hey Missus,
I have had the same kind of family problem for most of my life. It's hard not to want your own family to value your attention, love, and devotion AND SHOW IT even just a little. I get what you're saying, it's the thought that counts and when there's not even a thought it is just heart breaking.
I thinks it's healthy to look inward and wonder if because it's happening from so many folks that it may really be you. I also thinks that's a much easier thing to manage because the only person you have any control over changing is you.
I think telling them after the fact just makes them feel bad and thus makes you feel like a shmuck for saying anything.
I have tried a new tactic with my family and friends since leaving my X and moving back home. We have had a few birthdays in my family in the last few months plus Christmas and Thanksgiving. I made sure to have a conversation with the usual offenders before hand. I told them how I would love to be invited to whatever party they are planning. I'd like to help with bringing food or what have you. I told them that I know they've not invited me sometimes in the past thinking I would not be interested, and I understand why, but it's not the case these days, and I want to be there very much. I told them I wanted to bring a dish of food, even though I have been a little overshadowed by the other cooks in the family, I'd still like a chance to show what I can do. I stressed that I just want to be included and that I don't want to miss any more opportunities to be with them to celebrate.
I was half expecting to be laughed at or for each of them to get defensive or accuse me of being sarcastic, but nothing like that happened at all. To the contrary each had the same kind of reaction...surprise and then delight. They honestly didn't think I was interested before. They really thought I didn't cook because I never said anything about it. They forgot me much of the time because I just never made myself be seen or heard from.
As you begin to change, how you are treated will change as well. Respect yourself and so will others. It's a start at least.
Alice
I have had the same kind of family problem for most of my life. It's hard not to want your own family to value your attention, love, and devotion AND SHOW IT even just a little. I get what you're saying, it's the thought that counts and when there's not even a thought it is just heart breaking.
I thinks it's healthy to look inward and wonder if because it's happening from so many folks that it may really be you. I also thinks that's a much easier thing to manage because the only person you have any control over changing is you.
I think telling them after the fact just makes them feel bad and thus makes you feel like a shmuck for saying anything.
I have tried a new tactic with my family and friends since leaving my X and moving back home. We have had a few birthdays in my family in the last few months plus Christmas and Thanksgiving. I made sure to have a conversation with the usual offenders before hand. I told them how I would love to be invited to whatever party they are planning. I'd like to help with bringing food or what have you. I told them that I know they've not invited me sometimes in the past thinking I would not be interested, and I understand why, but it's not the case these days, and I want to be there very much. I told them I wanted to bring a dish of food, even though I have been a little overshadowed by the other cooks in the family, I'd still like a chance to show what I can do. I stressed that I just want to be included and that I don't want to miss any more opportunities to be with them to celebrate.
I was half expecting to be laughed at or for each of them to get defensive or accuse me of being sarcastic, but nothing like that happened at all. To the contrary each had the same kind of reaction...surprise and then delight. They honestly didn't think I was interested before. They really thought I didn't cook because I never said anything about it. They forgot me much of the time because I just never made myself be seen or heard from.
As you begin to change, how you are treated will change as well. Respect yourself and so will others. It's a start at least.
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Another thing happened today.
Background...In the run up to Christmas my Mum was really busy and so I offered to do her Christmas shopping online to save her time, I paid for it all and I told her to pay me back after Christmas as I would be decorating the hall and could use the money to buy the materials, paint, gloss, brushes etc..
She asked what I wanted for Christmas and I told her I would appreciate some cash but would she keep it and give it to me with what she owed me after Christmas so I could put it towards the decorating gear. I also asked would she give me an afternoon of her time to help me choose paints and give me a lift with all the stuff as I have no car.
She agreed, no problem.
As I said in my first post this weekend gone I asked her if we could go buy the paint and she said she wasn't moving...was having the weekend off as she'd been non stop and she would take me this coming weekend. Ok...fair enough.
Found out after that that she'd invitied my sis-in-law and nephew for dinner Saturday gone AND then Sunday she visited my brother. Doesn't sound like she "wasn't moving", right?
So today the guy phoned about fitting my hall flooring, is coming on Thursday with samples and to book me in. I need to buy the paint soon so I can get the floor man booked in. I want to decorate before the new floor goes down so I don't have to worry about splashing the paint on the floor.
I rang my Mum and told her the guy was coming and she said "Listen Nat..I will probably just have to give you the cash...I haven't got time this weekend...I don't know how I'm going to fit it all in. I said I was having the baby overnight and I have to see your brother and I need to go visit my Mum (my nan) and so I just don't think I'll have the time to take you". I never said anything just "ok" and when I got off the phone I just cried. Not because I couldn't go by myself (it would be a struggle without a ride but doable) but because I'm always the one that she can let down or put off.
This arrangement had been planned for weeks yet I just get dropped without even a sorry. Why did this upset me so much? You know why? Because I was expecting it. I KNEW she would be too busy for me.
She has no idea I'm upset. I would feel like a b*tch saying something.
Mum never has a minute to herself. She works a high powered job, 10 hours a day. Every weekend is taken up by people she has to see, she's always complaining about it and about never having enough time. She says to me "You're the only one who doesn't want a piece of me" and she's grateful I'm not demanding of her.
And I'm not...I rarely ask her to do things for me or take me places, I was just looking forward to spending some time with her. She would be devastated if she knew I was upset or felt this way...I'm just "good old Nat", no one knows these things bother me.
I don't know how to stop this without upsetting people. I hate confrontation...the thought of actually speaking to her or anyone about how I'm feeling makes me feel sick to the stomach and nervous.
Am I over reacting? I'm feeling hyper sensitive at the moment so I don't know.
Background...In the run up to Christmas my Mum was really busy and so I offered to do her Christmas shopping online to save her time, I paid for it all and I told her to pay me back after Christmas as I would be decorating the hall and could use the money to buy the materials, paint, gloss, brushes etc..
She asked what I wanted for Christmas and I told her I would appreciate some cash but would she keep it and give it to me with what she owed me after Christmas so I could put it towards the decorating gear. I also asked would she give me an afternoon of her time to help me choose paints and give me a lift with all the stuff as I have no car.
She agreed, no problem.
As I said in my first post this weekend gone I asked her if we could go buy the paint and she said she wasn't moving...was having the weekend off as she'd been non stop and she would take me this coming weekend. Ok...fair enough.
Found out after that that she'd invitied my sis-in-law and nephew for dinner Saturday gone AND then Sunday she visited my brother. Doesn't sound like she "wasn't moving", right?
So today the guy phoned about fitting my hall flooring, is coming on Thursday with samples and to book me in. I need to buy the paint soon so I can get the floor man booked in. I want to decorate before the new floor goes down so I don't have to worry about splashing the paint on the floor.
I rang my Mum and told her the guy was coming and she said "Listen Nat..I will probably just have to give you the cash...I haven't got time this weekend...I don't know how I'm going to fit it all in. I said I was having the baby overnight and I have to see your brother and I need to go visit my Mum (my nan) and so I just don't think I'll have the time to take you". I never said anything just "ok" and when I got off the phone I just cried. Not because I couldn't go by myself (it would be a struggle without a ride but doable) but because I'm always the one that she can let down or put off.
This arrangement had been planned for weeks yet I just get dropped without even a sorry. Why did this upset me so much? You know why? Because I was expecting it. I KNEW she would be too busy for me.
She has no idea I'm upset. I would feel like a b*tch saying something.
Mum never has a minute to herself. She works a high powered job, 10 hours a day. Every weekend is taken up by people she has to see, she's always complaining about it and about never having enough time. She says to me "You're the only one who doesn't want a piece of me" and she's grateful I'm not demanding of her.
And I'm not...I rarely ask her to do things for me or take me places, I was just looking forward to spending some time with her. She would be devastated if she knew I was upset or felt this way...I'm just "good old Nat", no one knows these things bother me.
I don't know how to stop this without upsetting people. I hate confrontation...the thought of actually speaking to her or anyone about how I'm feeling makes me feel sick to the stomach and nervous.
Am I over reacting? I'm feeling hyper sensitive at the moment so I don't know.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Oh I don't know, I'd want to know why they are all more important than prior plans made with me. Really.
If they and everyone else is more important than prior plans with me, then don't make anymore plans with me.
If they and everyone else is more important than prior plans with me, then don't make anymore plans with me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Missus,
It's this line from you that tells it all:
You are not a b*tch for wanting to be treated fairly and with respect. You are not a b*tch for wanting people to follow through on their commitments to you.
And on the flip side: When someone is honest with you about things like this, things that perhaps YOU have done that have hurt them, do you consider them a b*tch for coming to you and expressing their feelings? Or do you thank them for being honest, and try to do better next time?
My flaw for many years is that I did not have any skills around being honest about my feelings with other people. I am a raging introvert and I just didn't know how to express the emotion "I love you, but you've hurt my feelings." Counseling really helped me to learn a new skill set, and helped me to see that I was getting something out of being the victim.....it had been in my personality for so long (alas, I'm the one everyone always takes advantage of, woe is me, etc.) that it was part of my identity, and I actually held tight to it, because it was safe and known.
Harder to do was to learn how to stand up for myself in a loving, honest, but firm way. And harder still was to stop saying "yes" to everyone, thinking that would automatically get them to treat me well. Again, counseling helped me see what I was doing to myself, and envision/practice a new way of interacting with the people in my life so I could protect myself better, and so I respected myself. Alice says this much better than I ever could. We change their reactions by changing our own behavior.
Then, magically, people started to see me in a different light.
Wishing the same for you!
It's this line from you that tells it all:
She has no idea I'm upset. I would feel like a b*tch saying something.
And on the flip side: When someone is honest with you about things like this, things that perhaps YOU have done that have hurt them, do you consider them a b*tch for coming to you and expressing their feelings? Or do you thank them for being honest, and try to do better next time?
My flaw for many years is that I did not have any skills around being honest about my feelings with other people. I am a raging introvert and I just didn't know how to express the emotion "I love you, but you've hurt my feelings." Counseling really helped me to learn a new skill set, and helped me to see that I was getting something out of being the victim.....it had been in my personality for so long (alas, I'm the one everyone always takes advantage of, woe is me, etc.) that it was part of my identity, and I actually held tight to it, because it was safe and known.
Harder to do was to learn how to stand up for myself in a loving, honest, but firm way. And harder still was to stop saying "yes" to everyone, thinking that would automatically get them to treat me well. Again, counseling helped me see what I was doing to myself, and envision/practice a new way of interacting with the people in my life so I could protect myself better, and so I respected myself. Alice says this much better than I ever could. We change their reactions by changing our own behavior.
Then, magically, people started to see me in a different light.
Wishing the same for you!
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I think I call it a confrontation because in the past with ABF everything turned into an argument, he'd go on the defensive or twist things so it was my fault and I would have to go on the defensive, so I mostly learnt to detach and not say anything if I were unhappy about something. Anything that feels uncomfortable feels like a "big deal" to me I suppose because I'm not used to saying I'm not happy about something unless I say it in anger. When I'm angry I can express myself and say how I feel and I don't care if they're upset because I'm past that point but when I'm just "normal" then I would hate to make anyone feel bad and I suppose it is to my own detriment, but I know now that it needs to be done.
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