friends and family
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 59
friends and family
How do you deal with telling friends and family that you have left the alcoholic? I am so ashamed and embarrassed i dont really want to go into details with anyone. Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Do you have to tell them right now? Can you wait on it a bit? If would give you time to gather your wits and feel more grounded.
If you want to say something right away, how about:
"I've just made a difficult decision regarding **insert alkie name here** but I'm not really ready to talk about it yet. I'd really appreciate your support though."
If you want to say something right away, how about:
"I've just made a difficult decision regarding **insert alkie name here** but I'm not really ready to talk about it yet. I'd really appreciate your support though."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
I like Nodays advice a lot.
I've been really open about it. When they ask why I left, I just state the fact, "He started drinking again." I don't really have to explain anything after that. People just know it makes sense to leave an active drinker. I express my concern for him. I find that many of my friends have had their own experiences with alcoholism and are willing to open up and share that. Which makes me feel comforted.
I don't know why you would feel embarrassed really. You haven't done anything to be embarrassed by. I think it would be more embarrassing to explain why you'd stay.
I've been really open about it. When they ask why I left, I just state the fact, "He started drinking again." I don't really have to explain anything after that. People just know it makes sense to leave an active drinker. I express my concern for him. I find that many of my friends have had their own experiences with alcoholism and are willing to open up and share that. Which makes me feel comforted.
I don't know why you would feel embarrassed really. You haven't done anything to be embarrassed by. I think it would be more embarrassing to explain why you'd stay.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I haven't left, so I can't say, but I can say I have begun to think it over.
My first emotional response was embarrassment. Especially to those that came to our wedding only 2 1/2 years ago. How can I face the people I stood in front of and committed openly to about giving my LIFE to him? What planet was I on? Or perhaps, how shallow am I? Or how fickle? Or how selfish? Or intolerant, or impatient or tyrannical or flighty or unfaithful.
But, as my good friend said, "You did commit your life to him that day. Now you are somewhere else."
Which is true. I now feel not one WHIT of shame for that lovely lovely day and the wonderful vows. It was truly beautiful and something to be proud of.
How can I feel shame for me taking care of me? Me growing? Me setting boundaries? Me acting in love for me and him? I can't.
I think, if/when I go, I will have to take extra special care to speak of him with compassion and respect. It would be tempting to trash him to justify my choice.
So what to feel ashamed about? Him? I have that, too. I haven't wanted to tell my family. I realized, in part, it is because my partner is a reflection of me. I want a healthy partner so I look good. (ouch. reflected sense of self.) I don't want a partner that is an addict because then I look unhealthy to have chosen him. (ouch.) But, I did. And I can only be where I am, which is growing right now, so hooray for that, just as he can only be where he is.
It makes me think, back in my teenage years I was a liar. I wanted so desperately to look good, smart, whatever, that I would say what I thought people wanted to hear.
When I finally broke out of it (which, by the way took me hitting rock bottom and being SURE I would die when I told the truth and would be abandoned by those I loved, but I was SURE the pain and confusion I and they felt was worse than coming clean), my rule was, "If you feel the instinct to hide it, say it." So I plowed through and trained myself to say the uncomfortable truth. And it got easier with time.
You know, its funny that I did that then, and now I am more subtly manipulative or passive. I am afraid to set the boundary or say no, in other words, say the thing I don't want to say. I should draw on my skills from the past and create a new rule, "When you feel upset/mad/sad, say what you don't like." Perhaps the saying will be only to myself, but it will help me.
(Sorry, I just had a personal insight ramble.)
Hugs,
Wife
My first emotional response was embarrassment. Especially to those that came to our wedding only 2 1/2 years ago. How can I face the people I stood in front of and committed openly to about giving my LIFE to him? What planet was I on? Or perhaps, how shallow am I? Or how fickle? Or how selfish? Or intolerant, or impatient or tyrannical or flighty or unfaithful.
But, as my good friend said, "You did commit your life to him that day. Now you are somewhere else."
Which is true. I now feel not one WHIT of shame for that lovely lovely day and the wonderful vows. It was truly beautiful and something to be proud of.
How can I feel shame for me taking care of me? Me growing? Me setting boundaries? Me acting in love for me and him? I can't.
I think, if/when I go, I will have to take extra special care to speak of him with compassion and respect. It would be tempting to trash him to justify my choice.
So what to feel ashamed about? Him? I have that, too. I haven't wanted to tell my family. I realized, in part, it is because my partner is a reflection of me. I want a healthy partner so I look good. (ouch. reflected sense of self.) I don't want a partner that is an addict because then I look unhealthy to have chosen him. (ouch.) But, I did. And I can only be where I am, which is growing right now, so hooray for that, just as he can only be where he is.
It makes me think, back in my teenage years I was a liar. I wanted so desperately to look good, smart, whatever, that I would say what I thought people wanted to hear.
When I finally broke out of it (which, by the way took me hitting rock bottom and being SURE I would die when I told the truth and would be abandoned by those I loved, but I was SURE the pain and confusion I and they felt was worse than coming clean), my rule was, "If you feel the instinct to hide it, say it." So I plowed through and trained myself to say the uncomfortable truth. And it got easier with time.
You know, its funny that I did that then, and now I am more subtly manipulative or passive. I am afraid to set the boundary or say no, in other words, say the thing I don't want to say. I should draw on my skills from the past and create a new rule, "When you feel upset/mad/sad, say what you don't like." Perhaps the saying will be only to myself, but it will help me.
(Sorry, I just had a personal insight ramble.)Hugs,
Wife
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
No need to say anything, what about "I don't want to talk about it now, thanks for your interest". I learned people love gossip and only SR, and a few other friends are worth going into details and will have a constructive, uplifting conversation with me.
You owe no explanation.. but I get why you are ashamed... here in my conservative country, separation or divorce is frowned upon to this day, they even deny jobs based on marital status (my mom was rejected often because she is divorced) ... shame on you as well, for being alone or LOOKING FORWARD to spending time by yourself, for being a woman and not having kids, for not being married before 25, for being gay, for dressing a certain way or having an old car ... etc. etc....
...what they all think about you is nothing of your concern, as someone here said (don't remember who!! sorry!) something else we can't control, lol.
You are doing well being careful who you talk to, another sign you are taking better care of yourself
You owe no explanation.. but I get why you are ashamed... here in my conservative country, separation or divorce is frowned upon to this day, they even deny jobs based on marital status (my mom was rejected often because she is divorced) ... shame on you as well, for being alone or LOOKING FORWARD to spending time by yourself, for being a woman and not having kids, for not being married before 25, for being gay, for dressing a certain way or having an old car ... etc. etc....
...what they all think about you is nothing of your concern, as someone here said (don't remember who!! sorry!) something else we can't control, lol.
You are doing well being careful who you talk to, another sign you are taking better care of yourself
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
"It's a difficult and private decision. I appreciate your prayers and support."
That pretty much says it all. You can share more if and when you feel the time is right. I didn't have to say much... my situation unraveled, and my A did a lot of talking. Because I wasnt saying much, I didnt have nearly as much damage control to do as he did.
That pretty much says it all. You can share more if and when you feel the time is right. I didn't have to say much... my situation unraveled, and my A did a lot of talking. Because I wasnt saying much, I didnt have nearly as much damage control to do as he did.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
As others have said, you don't owe anyone any kind of explanation.
However, I am kinda wondering about what you owe yourself and how you're planning on giving it to yourself. I mean, for myself, I have family members to whom I can and always have been able to talk about pretty much anything, and I would most certainly not call anyone my "friend" unless I could say the same of her (or him). That's super-important to me and always a huge help when I need comfort, understanding and support. In fact, I absolutely cannot imagine going through difficult and painful times/experiences without having that kind of support to rely upon.
If you've read around this site much, you've probably discovered that isolation is one of the behavior patterns that afflicts both alcoholics and those close to them who are affected by their alcoholism. Like alcoholism itself, shame and embarrassment thrive in isolation and in secrecy -- and, like alcoholism, they whither and die in the light of honesty and the love of supportive, healthy community.
I hope that you are embracing that honesty somehow and finding that community somewhere at this hard and painful time.
freya
However, I am kinda wondering about what you owe yourself and how you're planning on giving it to yourself. I mean, for myself, I have family members to whom I can and always have been able to talk about pretty much anything, and I would most certainly not call anyone my "friend" unless I could say the same of her (or him). That's super-important to me and always a huge help when I need comfort, understanding and support. In fact, I absolutely cannot imagine going through difficult and painful times/experiences without having that kind of support to rely upon.
If you've read around this site much, you've probably discovered that isolation is one of the behavior patterns that afflicts both alcoholics and those close to them who are affected by their alcoholism. Like alcoholism itself, shame and embarrassment thrive in isolation and in secrecy -- and, like alcoholism, they whither and die in the light of honesty and the love of supportive, healthy community.
I hope that you are embracing that honesty somehow and finding that community somewhere at this hard and painful time.
freya
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