How do you all keep going?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Newcastle, UK
Posts: 13
How do you all keep going?
Hi, Newbie post! 
Great to find you all
My bf is detoxing right now - it's been 2.5 weeks, and I dont expect to see him for at least 2 more weeks. He is addicted to opiates.
I "found" myself in this relationship very soon after we first met - he was always a couple of pages ahead of me. I'm 23, he is 29. Example, I met his parents 2 months in - I've never met any of my ex-es' parents before, and I didn't want to meet his but it just happened :s.
Each time I tried to talk about it he looked like he was taking things in - but invariably he was on Zs (zopiclone) and would not remember a thing later on. Only found this out afterwards. Turns out I had been spending way more time with him high on Zs than with him sober.
I was going away for 3 months on a trip I had planned long before we met. He admitted to me then that he had trouble with opiates, and that he'd be trying to detox for the 2nd time whilst I was gone. In my naivety I thought, Great, I get a breather, he gets his life sorted, and when I get back we can take things slow and see where that leads us. I made that clear with him. The situation was complicated by the fact that we were going to be flatmates - thats how we met in the first place. It contributed to me accepting to do long-distance for a while. Not that we were in touch much. I guess I was hoping he'd see this relationship for what it was - an overdeveloped friendship. My personal feeling was that we didn't really know each other that well.
Anyhow got back, and unfortunately he'd not finished his detoxing. He was still high on the bloody Zs, which made me mad. During a Z trip he relapsed.
So because I'm now living with him, I'm suddenly his carer. I care about him, so I did it for a while - and the constant worrying made me feel maybe I was really in love with him. Aha! - co dependent behaviour. If only I'd known this last year.
Anyways he's moved out for a while to detox - so I tried to suggest a break because I was getting fed up and depressed, desperate, lonely, we were arguing, etc etc. Bad move, he was really upset. So we are back together but txting only occasionally, and no calling....
Apart from feeling lonely and depressed (zero social life because focused so intensely on "my" addict, and being xmas no one is around), I'm also starting to become quite resentful - I don't think it's fair that he's getting what he wants from this relationship, whilst I don't. This is not my idea of a relationship. Associated guilt etc - It's not his fault, he's trying hard, he's feeling far more **** than I right now, bla bla.
I'm fed up of this self-sacrificing. But I don't want to trigger a relapse. I doubt things will be peachy in 2 weeks time when he comes back. The strain is really showing now, uni, parents, friends have all been complaining. How do I keep waiting? How can I keep going? What do I tell myself when I wake up in the morning?
Help anyone?
Great to find you allMy bf is detoxing right now - it's been 2.5 weeks, and I dont expect to see him for at least 2 more weeks. He is addicted to opiates.
I "found" myself in this relationship very soon after we first met - he was always a couple of pages ahead of me. I'm 23, he is 29. Example, I met his parents 2 months in - I've never met any of my ex-es' parents before, and I didn't want to meet his but it just happened :s.
Each time I tried to talk about it he looked like he was taking things in - but invariably he was on Zs (zopiclone) and would not remember a thing later on. Only found this out afterwards. Turns out I had been spending way more time with him high on Zs than with him sober.
I was going away for 3 months on a trip I had planned long before we met. He admitted to me then that he had trouble with opiates, and that he'd be trying to detox for the 2nd time whilst I was gone. In my naivety I thought, Great, I get a breather, he gets his life sorted, and when I get back we can take things slow and see where that leads us. I made that clear with him. The situation was complicated by the fact that we were going to be flatmates - thats how we met in the first place. It contributed to me accepting to do long-distance for a while. Not that we were in touch much. I guess I was hoping he'd see this relationship for what it was - an overdeveloped friendship. My personal feeling was that we didn't really know each other that well.
Anyhow got back, and unfortunately he'd not finished his detoxing. He was still high on the bloody Zs, which made me mad. During a Z trip he relapsed.
So because I'm now living with him, I'm suddenly his carer. I care about him, so I did it for a while - and the constant worrying made me feel maybe I was really in love with him. Aha! - co dependent behaviour. If only I'd known this last year.
Anyways he's moved out for a while to detox - so I tried to suggest a break because I was getting fed up and depressed, desperate, lonely, we were arguing, etc etc. Bad move, he was really upset. So we are back together but txting only occasionally, and no calling....
Apart from feeling lonely and depressed (zero social life because focused so intensely on "my" addict, and being xmas no one is around), I'm also starting to become quite resentful - I don't think it's fair that he's getting what he wants from this relationship, whilst I don't. This is not my idea of a relationship. Associated guilt etc - It's not his fault, he's trying hard, he's feeling far more **** than I right now, bla bla.
I'm fed up of this self-sacrificing. But I don't want to trigger a relapse. I doubt things will be peachy in 2 weeks time when he comes back. The strain is really showing now, uni, parents, friends have all been complaining. How do I keep waiting? How can I keep going? What do I tell myself when I wake up in the morning?
Help anyone?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
My daughter went cold turkey, at home, off of heroin. The worst was over in 4 days, time.
One can detox from just about anything in a matter of days.
Sounds to me like he is a polysubstance abuser.
Sounds to me like he might be using this time go out on a bender.
Sounds to me like you might not have a clue what all he is into, which is just as well.
I agree with you. This does not sound like a relationship, especially one with a future. Cherish the down time. Get yourself a dog or a cat if you are lonely. Better yet, put the lonely to work and volunteer somewhere. Do good and who knows, you might meet some new people who do not need substances to survive life as it is, instead of how they want it to be.
One can detox from just about anything in a matter of days.
Sounds to me like he is a polysubstance abuser.
Sounds to me like he might be using this time go out on a bender.
Sounds to me like you might not have a clue what all he is into, which is just as well.
I agree with you. This does not sound like a relationship, especially one with a future. Cherish the down time. Get yourself a dog or a cat if you are lonely. Better yet, put the lonely to work and volunteer somewhere. Do good and who knows, you might meet some new people who do not need substances to survive life as it is, instead of how they want it to be.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
HI, welcome to sr.
i'm really sorry that you've found yourself in a relationship like this but i'm so glad you joined us. i'm a recovering addict married 23yrs to a practicing addict and after 21yrs i HAD to separate from him, his addiction was literally driving me insane.
everything in me want to say to you, walk away, but i know its not my call, that choice is yours. what i can say is that you try to focus more on you. maybe ask yourself is this is the kind of relationship you can live with or want for the long haul. living with addiction is a very hard and painful life to live and detox is the very beginning of the road to recovery.
unless he is truly committed to a plan of recovery after detox, his addiction will progressively get so much worse.
imo, you deserve more out of a relationship/ if your best gf was in this situation, what advice would you give her? just something to think about. keep posting and reading, maybe check out alanon or naranon support groups for yourself.
you are in my prayers
i'm really sorry that you've found yourself in a relationship like this but i'm so glad you joined us. i'm a recovering addict married 23yrs to a practicing addict and after 21yrs i HAD to separate from him, his addiction was literally driving me insane.
everything in me want to say to you, walk away, but i know its not my call, that choice is yours. what i can say is that you try to focus more on you. maybe ask yourself is this is the kind of relationship you can live with or want for the long haul. living with addiction is a very hard and painful life to live and detox is the very beginning of the road to recovery.
unless he is truly committed to a plan of recovery after detox, his addiction will progressively get so much worse.
imo, you deserve more out of a relationship/ if your best gf was in this situation, what advice would you give her? just something to think about. keep posting and reading, maybe check out alanon or naranon support groups for yourself.
you are in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
My only addition is welcome and you came to the right place! There are alot of very wise people here that can help you sort out what you want to do. (The focus being on YOU)
The best thing you can remember (as I did) is the 3 C's referenced above. When you finally see that. (REALLY see that) You will know what to do. Good luck to you and God Bless!
The best thing you can remember (as I did) is the 3 C's referenced above. When you finally see that. (REALLY see that) You will know what to do. Good luck to you and God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Any way you can change the flatmate situation, so you are not living with each other? It is SO hard to have your head in anything that is not him and his use when he is right there.
If that becomes possible, you might suggest that he needs to demonstrate clean and sober-ness for _____ period of time (6 months, a year) then you two can revisit the idea of a relationship together.
How much time do you have invested in this relationship? Somehow I'm reading that there is not a huge commitment at this point.
Get support on this site, and get it face to face. It is extremely helpful.
If that becomes possible, you might suggest that he needs to demonstrate clean and sober-ness for _____ period of time (6 months, a year) then you two can revisit the idea of a relationship together.
How much time do you have invested in this relationship? Somehow I'm reading that there is not a huge commitment at this point.
Get support on this site, and get it face to face. It is extremely helpful.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Welcome to SR. So happy you found this forum.
I am so sorry you are in this predicament; however, all is not lost.
You cannot do anything about your "flatmates" behavior or choices. You can do something about YOUR choices though.
Sounds like he is doing exactly what he wants to do. Therefore, you should do the same. Do not believe for one minute that your leaving will make him worse, or for that matter make him better!
You sound like you have already made up your mind and the only thing that is holding you back is your fear that he will get worse. One thing you should remember is he will get better, or not, only when he wants to. The choice is his and his alone.
You need to take care of you first. If that means moving out and moving forward, great do it!
Keep us posted we're always here day or night.
Hugs, Devastated
I am so sorry you are in this predicament; however, all is not lost.
You cannot do anything about your "flatmates" behavior or choices. You can do something about YOUR choices though.
Sounds like he is doing exactly what he wants to do. Therefore, you should do the same. Do not believe for one minute that your leaving will make him worse, or for that matter make him better!
You sound like you have already made up your mind and the only thing that is holding you back is your fear that he will get worse. One thing you should remember is he will get better, or not, only when he wants to. The choice is his and his alone.
You need to take care of you first. If that means moving out and moving forward, great do it!
Keep us posted we're always here day or night.
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I'm so happy you came here. I wished I'd have come here long long long ago. I learned from the rowdy school of hard knocks. It is very hard to walk away. Whether you are IN love with the addict, or love the addict. Are you prepared to be hit on the head with a falling anvil? Because that's what it feels like and in the end.......you lose yourself and the addict just goes on and on and on. I recently woke up next to my ABF overdosed and dead. We'd lived together for 3 years. And much like you, I focused on the relationship and HIS dream of being drug free. When I began to take very tiny baby steps to rebuild my life during the last six months of his life, his use became worse, and sloppy, and his fears became a daily badgering that I was working toward leaving him. Guess he had to have the last word on that! Because he passed away a month ago. The words of wisdom of the people on this forum are invaluable. While we aren't in the forest with you, we can still see in and know the pathway out to safety. Keep posting. We're here and want you to know we too are here for a reason.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Welcome--I can only advise you to run for the hills, if you still have the strength to do so. Live somewhere else for a start. Almost anywhere else would be better then with him, escalating this relationship into something it was never meant to be. Incidentally, have you read "Codependent No More?"
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 67
...at the risk of sounding like quite a jerk, I'm going to say it. I've noticed( not just on this post), but on other posts lately, that alot of girls are having problems with addicted men that they admittedly have not known, or been dating very long.
Ladies. It's not like you have been with these guys for years and have a life built...children together etc etc. You are dating! What do people do when they realize they don't really like the person they are dating.............they say to that person, " I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me anymore. Have a nice life".
You are a grown up. If you don't like where you're at, change it. Tough love, I know, but seriously....................
Ladies. It's not like you have been with these guys for years and have a life built...children together etc etc. You are dating! What do people do when they realize they don't really like the person they are dating.............they say to that person, " I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me anymore. Have a nice life".
You are a grown up. If you don't like where you're at, change it. Tough love, I know, but seriously....................
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Have you read my post about the 8 signs of an emotional manipulator? Addicts (mostly men addicts) are masters at that. They know how to play a womans emotions like a fiddle. Our need to nurture so to speak. Especially for those of us who have "codie" tendencies. I believe also that there are more women on this sight because most men will not reach out for help on a forum such as this. But thanks for your input.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 67
Thanks kiki. I should probably stay in my own lane ( so to speak)...as I know nothing about codependancy issues. I guess I was speaking more as a guy who has two beautiful young daughters....and if either of them were to start dating a drug addict/drink abuser/loser type...I'd be awfully upset. Especially if they stuck around to put up with it.
Thanks
Thanks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Newcastle, UK
Posts: 13
Hey All,
THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH - I'm truly overwhelmed by the response from this community, the amount of care out there just radiates off my screen and keeps me smiling!!!
Anvilhead: your post was really effective, it shook me out of my worry-selfpity swing
Outtolunch: polysubstance abuser is hitting the nail on the head! I know he has been prescribed other stuff for manic depression and anxiety, but he will go and buy things online without prescription to "tide him over" ... I try to stay out of it, though it's hard, sometimes I wonder just how much control he actually has over his brain and actions when he makes decisions like that.
Insulated: I'm really sorry that you have had such hard times, and all so recent and raw
((
Well, he came back to stay for a few days - a lot more sober, though almost-scary happy (maybe new antidepressants?) - not quite manic however. We gave each other a lot more space, which I think suited us both. He looks really determined, but it's still early days so we'll see... Meanwhile we haven't talked at all about his recovery plans - which didn't leave us with very much to say to each other! That made me really sad...
I have doubts nonetheless - turns out he stayed for rather longer than he initially planned, and ran out of (unknown) meds which made him pretty unwell (sudden cut-off and all that jazz). So he just disappeared again. Waltzing in and out of my life, unannounced, as ever. I struggled not to tell him off for not looking out for himself, glad to say all I came up with was "aahh." Talked to his dad who said he thought things were working out - how many times have I heard that one before? I really admire the fact that he managed to keep a positive attitude through the past 3 years.
Trying not to hope, and take it day by day!
Peace xxxxx
THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH - I'm truly overwhelmed by the response from this community, the amount of care out there just radiates off my screen and keeps me smiling!!!
Anvilhead: your post was really effective, it shook me out of my worry-selfpity swing
Outtolunch: polysubstance abuser is hitting the nail on the head! I know he has been prescribed other stuff for manic depression and anxiety, but he will go and buy things online without prescription to "tide him over" ... I try to stay out of it, though it's hard, sometimes I wonder just how much control he actually has over his brain and actions when he makes decisions like that.
Insulated: I'm really sorry that you have had such hard times, and all so recent and raw
((Well, he came back to stay for a few days - a lot more sober, though almost-scary happy (maybe new antidepressants?) - not quite manic however. We gave each other a lot more space, which I think suited us both. He looks really determined, but it's still early days so we'll see... Meanwhile we haven't talked at all about his recovery plans - which didn't leave us with very much to say to each other! That made me really sad...
I have doubts nonetheless - turns out he stayed for rather longer than he initially planned, and ran out of (unknown) meds which made him pretty unwell (sudden cut-off and all that jazz). So he just disappeared again. Waltzing in and out of my life, unannounced, as ever. I struggled not to tell him off for not looking out for himself, glad to say all I came up with was "aahh." Talked to his dad who said he thought things were working out - how many times have I heard that one before? I really admire the fact that he managed to keep a positive attitude through the past 3 years.
Trying not to hope, and take it day by day!
Peace xxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I'm going to agree with outtolunch. My ABF was so crafty in rehab, he managed to convince them to let him go home after just 14 days, not 28. And right back to the liquor and needles he went. I was clueless as to the stuff he was using, and when I actually acknowledged what I'd been seeing and pivoted my angle on things (loving with my head, not my heart) EVERYTHING changed for me. He overdosed and died 5 months out of rehab.
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