Threshold

I'm an addict. One of the things I am addicted to is doing everything right. Recovery is rough going for me. Life is rough going for me. Humility is something I am getting through an IV lately, and I don't like it one little bit.

I'm confused...I'm confused about sharing at meetings. I'm pretty messed up right now. I hear that you are supposed to take that to meetings and share, I hear that you are NOT supposed to take that to meetings and dump. I hear that the newcomer is the most important person at a meeting, so we are supposed to keep it about recovery, and share how recovery is working miracles in our lives. I hear that we are supposed to make OUR recovery the most important thing in our lives and do whatever it takes...

I heard another member say how when she shared, early on, that she was in a bad way and in danger of using, she was really just trying to get attention...Well duh, yeah, I want attention, I need attention, I need help...is that a wrong thing? Is that just me letting the self-centered defect have control?

I hear that when I have a clean time milestone I should pick up a chip at every different group I go to for a week...I hear that I shouldn't be proud of my clean time, only of how rigourously I am working a program, that the chips don't really matter.

I read the literature...and it doesn't mention chips at all. And it says the meetings are the place to bring my stories, and that the people in the rooms understand what I am going through. And I sit in a meeting where people say "I know this is an NA meeting y'all, but I know who the HP is and I'm gonna talk about him..."

I'm posting it here, because when you read the first paragraph, and see that I am having myself a good old fashioned pity party, you can go on to something else, and I won't have wasted any of your precious meeting time, of your atmosphere of recovery, of you sharing about how freakin awesome the HP is, and how miraculous your life is.

NA is an awesome program and there are some awesome people in it, and I know my attitude is stinky, and someone should slap me...are we only supposed to be honest about how we feel when we feel good? Or are we supposed to be honest all the time. Because I honestly feel like crap right now. Because I honestly feel like throwing in the towel. Because I honestly don't remember why I am doing this...and I know that is no one else's responsibility, and at 60 days clean I am technically not a newcomer, but sometimes I wonder if we aren't all, always newcomers. If all we ever have is today...surrender...see, I guess that I haven't really surrendered to the program, clearly I have huge reservations. I still want instant results and I am not dedicated to doing this no matter what.

Some issues have come up that are tempting me to go right back out there...I haven't yet. I made three meetings yesterday. I am struggling, when really, I need to surrender...I just haven't decided which side I am going to surrender to yet.

jane_668

you know , I dump when I need to dump and share on steps when I feel I'm in a clear mind to get something out of the steps. I dont know how else to behave. I'm 107 days clean and I'm doing my best to do the right thing.If it's not good enough,then I always have tomorrow for another try . What matters is that I donnot use no matter what happens. I should have no reservation what so ever. Today, I know it's all about the first drink or drug. I know that, no matter how bad or insane I behave,it's ok as long as I dont use.We're not perfect and we'll never be.It's all about progress not perfection. Meetings, steps , sponsor.. they are just tools for me so that I know I donnot have to pick up no matter what I'm passing through. They are alterative to drugs. I donnot have to be perfect in applying them. I just have to be willing to stay clean and use all the resources I can find to help me. I'll never be perfect and once I know that then I can fit in my own skin , accept and love myself as I am. I'm not the best person nor am I the worst person. I'm usually a mix of both. Everyday is an opportunity for me to change what I can change for the day and accept the rest.

Sober25

Threshold, I'm sorry you are having so much difficulty. Meetings are very helpful, especially in early recovery. I hope you will continue going to them. I would also encourage you to find a sponsor who has been clean for a good length of time and has worked the 12 steps. This person can answer your questions for you and help you to sort through the BS that we sometimes hear at meetings. Remember, there are sick people at meetings so not everything we hear is profound. If you ever want to talk one on one feel free to PM me. I'm in AA but I used many drugs back in the day so I can relate. I wish you all the best.

Gmoney

Hi Threshold,

Chillax. It's not that serious.

I hear your frustration and your confusion, but as you said yourself, most of it is self-imposed. Like you, I'm an addict and I can easily make mountains out of molehills. Why? Because I want what I want...and I want it NOW. I want to know what you mean...not what you say. I want to know what to do...not what YOU did. I want things to go and be right. I want...I want...I want. Just as our literature tells us that we don't come to NA brimming with honestly, open-mindedness or willingness...we also don't walk through the doors with a whole lot of patience or tolerance. These things come to us gradually and as a result of staying clean and working the steps.

So many times, in early recovery, I wanted to pack my bags and leave NA because it seemed too hard and confusing. Some members didn't appear to understand me, and I certainly didn't understand them. But there's one thing I held on to and that was that I had to stay clean no matter what. They told me if I didn't use more would be revealed to me over time and things would get better. They didn't lie to me because as I've stayed clean more and more I've better understood the program and the fellowship. Today I don't have all the answers, and I'm still learning, but I know using or running is never the answer to the ultimate problem in my life: ME.

In our meetings you'll hear a lot of "stuff." That's why it is so very important to get a sponsor, join a home group and develop a network of recovery friends to help you navigate through what is or what isn't appropriate for you. Please keep in mind that each of us comes to an understanding of the program FOR OURSELVES and over time we learn what or what not to share in meetings. I certainly didn't learn "how" to share overnight, but if you've got a problem you feel you need to get off your chest - no one can help you if you keep it to yourself. I'm an NA member and my disease is addiction. I've been where you are and made it to the other side. You can too.

Be blessed,
G

kj3880

There are some people who say dumb stuff at meetings. Just like anywhere else in life. But there is an irreplaceable support system in the fellowship that many of us need there. So we have to deal with the BS to get the good stuff. We take what we need and leave the rest.

To deal with some of the stuff you said...I don't see anything wrong with you telling your problems at the meeting. Just tell what you feel, from the heart, even the painful parts. Then listen with your heart during and after the meeting for some possible answers.

I think it is fine to feel proud of your tags, I know I certainly glow when I pick one up...every time!

Everyone has bad days, even in recovery. I do, all of us do, but we do get to develop some better tools and ways to deal with it in the fellowship and through step work. So don't worry about that. It comes with time. I'm learning as I live through it.

Many addicts do come to recovery with "issues" about God, or HP or whatever you call it. A lot of people I've known just used the group as their higher power at first and it seemed to work fine for them. Give yourself a break about it and just try to keep your mind open if you can. Christmas was a really tough time for me last year, when I was brand new at NA. It is a lot better this year. It just takes time and staying clean. I had to learn to stick with the winners and keep some distance from some of the predatory people that sometimes show up in recovery. My picker was broken at first and I got hurt for a while.

Just for today, if we don't pick up and stick with the basics we've learned so far, we can get through this season and the problems that have come up. I'm sorry you're struggling right now and I'm sending good thoughts and prayers your way!

Love,
KJ

Sugah

This is off the cuff, but I've come to see good sharing at a meeting as falling into one of three categories -- spreading hope, asking for hope and sharing hope. If I'm dumping a problem with no interest in hearing a solution, then I'd better ask myself how what I'm sharing is improving my recovery or that of others around me.

Some of the best meetings I've been to have begun with someone sharing a problem -- and asking for E, S & H from others. Sometimes, all another person has to give is a prayer, or commiseration, but there's bound to be others who've experienced something similar and can offer their experience out of it. And that's how we go from problem to solution.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Threshold

thanks for the replies, much needed, much appreciated.

I do have a sponsor. I called her, she listened and offered hope. I did go to a meeting (and am heading out to another in a few minutes) I shared that I am having a hard time. They listened.

I'm scared, and I am not yet good about sitting with my feelings, I'm all about action...hey, lets try to self medicate and see how THIS turns out...

but I am sitting with, or at least not medicating my feelings.

I'm just going to keep going...dam it, until I get what I came for...a clue!

I am hoping this tantrum of mine won't last too long, I don't want to miss anything important anyone has to say along the way.

this may sound stupid, but since I'm being honest, I'll share, when I first got clean, I mean like three days...a really scary, painful (physically and emotionally) situation came up, a real emergency...and I asked my HP...what do I do? And I had read earlier that sometimes the way out is through...that sometimes my HP will lead me into an impossible looking situation, and I have to trust that through is the best way to get to the better place...sometimes I have to dig my way out. So I remember sitting in the hospital and "hearing" my HP say "grab a spoon and start digging" (I have no idea why a spoon rather than a spade, but spoon was what I "heard")

so today, after my meeting, I went into the kitchen drawer and found a little spoon, and it's in my pocket...I'm gonna start digging...keep digging...

I feel pretty stupid, but that is what I am going to do

Gmoney

That's what I'm talking about!

REZ

Sounds like you're doing what you need to do--talking about your issues instead of taking drugs to deal with them. Confusion is normal early in recovery. Keep coming to meetings and you'll start to get a better handle on things.

kj3880

Good for you! Dig, dig, dig....joyfully. That's what's called being brave enough to change what you can. Keep digging, keep doing the next right thing, don't pick up, and leave the results to your Higher Power. Oh I forgot...you are kind of still stuck about that HP concept...that's OK...you can borrow mine for now!

Love,
KJ