thanks for the replies, much needed, much appreciated.
I do have a sponsor. I called her, she listened and offered hope. I did go to a meeting (and am heading out to another in a few minutes) I shared that I am having a hard time. They listened.
I'm scared, and I am not yet good about sitting with my feelings, I'm all about action...hey, lets try to self medicate and see how THIS turns out...
but I am sitting with, or at least not medicating my feelings.
I'm just going to keep going...dam it, until I get what I came for...a clue!
I am hoping this tantrum of mine won't last too long, I don't want to miss anything important anyone has to say along the way.
this may sound stupid, but since I'm being honest, I'll share, when I first got clean, I mean like three days...a really scary, painful (physically and emotionally) situation came up, a real emergency...and I asked my HP...what do I do? And I had read earlier that sometimes the way out is through...that sometimes my HP will lead me into an impossible looking situation, and I have to trust that through is the best way to get to the better place...sometimes I have to dig my way out. So I remember sitting in the hospital and "hearing" my HP say "grab a spoon and start digging" (I have no idea why a spoon rather than a spade, but spoon was what I "heard")
so today, after my meeting, I went into the kitchen drawer and found a little spoon, and it's in my pocket...I'm gonna start digging...keep digging...
I feel pretty stupid, but that is what I am going to do