graceandlove

Hi all,
I'm new here - just found you guys last night.

I'm gonna try to make this pretty quick - I'm the sister of an addict. I am 28 and he is 23. He's been addicted to pot/meth/heroin/cocaine/etc for at least seven years now. He's been in and out of rehab and nothing seems to stick.

I have been living my own life and dealing with my own mental health problems of bipolar and anxiety disorders. I've been stable for eight months now (finally!) and am in my senior year of a degree in graphic design. It's a stressful program, but I love it.

Because of my disability (I just recently learned that bipolar disorder is categorized as a disability under the ADA), I can't balance my full-time school schedule and work, so I have no money to pay for an apartment. I'm forced (well, blessed to have a roof over my head) to live with my parents.

Here's the current situation: I had cut off communication with my brother since I spent the summer in new york city for an internship and it was marvelous not worrying about him or his problems. But now (about 6 months later) he's completed a new rehab and my parents have let him move back in with us (even though they swore up and down he would NEVER live with them again). The conditions for him living there were that he would - number ONE - not use drugs or alcohol.

The day he graduated from rehab, he used heroin. He was still allowed to move in, because it was a slip-up. (That was last Saturday)

We're on vacation in Colorado now and he went out last night and got drunk. (Christmas eve)

Today, my parents decided to still give him the $300 computer they bought him, and my dad is letting him live with us until he finds somewhere to live.

I have a terrible feeling that he will continue to live with us for months and I cannot deal with this again.

Anyone have advice? My therapist suggests getting out of the house as much as I can, and as soon as I get back home, I'll be spending many hours at Starbucks. Thank God I have a truck I can borrow so I can leave whenever I need. MY parents understand that I need to go, too, but my mom just...doesn't understand that he needs to hit bottom. I mean, she understands it but hasn't actually emotionally realized it yet. Seven years. SEVEN YEARS.

And the funny thing is that I know all the answers, but I haven't emotionally realized them myself. I've read the Al-Anon blue book and been to a couple of meetings...every time I read the book, I'm like... YES this is EXACTLY IT!

...but not always with understanding comes solution.

Any thoughts from anyone are more than welcome. Just being able to write this out to people who understand is wonderful.

I hope you all are having wonderful Christmases, and thank you for reading.

<3
gracie

AlwaysGrowing

Welcome!

Now I know you parents or anyone else didn't put a gun to your head and force you to live with them so please own that choice.

In owing that choice you will find freedom within that meaning that you have a choice not to stay WHEN you find you can't take it anymore.

I feel for you and your family. Addiction is not healty in any way. Working with Alanon might help you find some more acceptance in what your brother is going thru.

Merry Christmas
AG

graceandlove

You know, that is a very good point. :-)

Something I forgot to mention in the original post that when I graduate in May, I'm going to be moving to new york, which I have fallen in love with. I'm going to be getting the heck out of this situation, and that's good. It's the small picture I'm stuck in at the moment, and I think that's where I need the advice.

What do I do in the minutes where I don't remember that life is bigger than the drama he's creating in this moment? What will be great when we get home is that I will be able to extract myself from the situations. But for now, I'm on this trip with my brother and parents and we're in one hotel room. Tomorrow I think I want to have the day to myself but I don't know for sure. What I really want is for them to send him back to arizona and the three of us enjoy the weekend. lol

Thanks for replying, and so quickly. I appreciate the feedback and the fact that you wrote back. :-)

rayofsunshine

Welcome to SR, graceandlove. Keep reading and posting! This place saved my sanity
when I first got here.

It seems your parents have set boundaries with your brother but they aren't enforcing
them. To the addict, this means they can continue to walk all over the boundaries
WITHOUT experiencing any consequences. The only ones really suffering are you and your parents. The boundaries are really for your sanity, not the addicts, so they need
to be enforced... you use... you leave. (doesn't matter if you have a place to go...
you made that choice.) I found enforcing boundaries to be hard, myself, so I understand wanting to give him another chance, but in hindsight, enforcing boundaries is a loving thing to do.)

Here's a good thread that contains a good long post by "Impurrfect" that explains
her feelings while out there homeless and addicted.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-again.html

Just remember the 3 c's of addiction...
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it

outtolunch

It's your parent's place and their choice to enable or not. Sounds like, right now, they are into enabling. They too will need to find their own bottom to cease trying to save him from himself.


In the meantime, you graduate in 5.5 months, a blip in the long run. Your school, the libraries, Starbucks and lots of other places offer wireless communications.

You cannot change your parents any more than they can change your brother. Accept the situation as is/where and focus on your future life, in NYC.

Carol Star

Hide your valuables. Do not engage with him. Take your parents to Alanon. One day at a time.

teke

i agree, there is nothing you do or say that will change your brother or your parent until they themselves have had enough. you have to do whatever you need to do to keep the focus on you. alanon, naranon, posting and reading.

i'm a recovering addict and it wasn't until my family stepped away from me and allowed me to suffer the consequences of my own action that i was finally ready to seek help for myself and stick with it.

you and your family are in my prayers

whatajoy

I'm in a similar situation right now.
I live with my Mother, her boyfriend, and my brother, because I am trying to get out of debt and I pay a small amount of rent to my Mother (which also helps her out, because she was close to losing her house).
My brother recently got out of jail, he doesn't really take care of his son, he does work, but he hasn't paid her rent in the past two months, and he uses every day. But it's her choice to let him stay and enable him; not mine. So, I just remind myself of that when I get frustrated.
Also, if I'm living my own life and taking care of myself I don't really have time to be home worrying about him or pissed off with my Mother. So, I just try to focus on my own life and recovery and pray that the people that I love will maybe one day do the same.

I hope it helped to know there is someone out there in a similar situation.

Spiritual Seeker

Focus on what U have control over...yourself.
Make your room nice, get good grades, eat healthy, exercise...don't be obsessive
about what your parents do or don't do
STAY out of the drama. Be proud that U are doing well and have a future away