KeepPedaling

It's been 5 days since I talked to my exbf. I'm so worried. I want to call him. I want to go pick him up, bring him home, and "help" him quit drinking.

Ugh.

KeepPedaling

Maybe I should be helping him. Maybe I should go get him. Maybe he just needs a few days of not being all alone.

bookwyrm

Keep pedalling. You're doing so well! Resist that urge! Think back to the other times you broke your no contact rule - what happened? Did you 'help'?

He is a grown up. If he needs to not be alone I'm sure he will find someone to talk to. STBXAH now has loads of 'friends' in various bars. He never needs to be alone if he doesn't want to. I'm sorry, but you cannot be his rescuer, you're just not that powerful. All you will do is prolong the agony for both of you. If you keep softening the blows, he may never reach his 'bottom' and may never get help for himself. Instead of picking up the phone, why don't you pick up Co Dependant No More and have another read?

It is really difficult to realise that we can't help the alcoholics in our life. Maybe if we just said the right thing, did the right thing, loved tham enough it would work this time? Then this forum wouldn't exist, I wouldn't have spent 18 years with STBXAH and then be getting a divorce etc. We only ever have control over ourselves. You can control how you react and think. You don't have to act on your feelings. Please, take care of you!

KeepPedaling

Bookwyrm, thank you for being up and responding! Wait, what time is it in the UK? Morning sometime...

The thing is that he did reach bottom almost two years ago. He did get help. He clawed his way back. I feel like if I just go get him and stay with him until the next semester starts, he'll be back on track. Maybe that's all he needs?

You know when all of this started? When he got off probation a month ago and he was in no risk of going to jail anymore if he drank. He drank the day he got off probation I think...

KeepPedaling

Also, it really helps to be here. It really helps to hear from people who have so much more knowledge and experience about this topic than I do.

The thing that gets me feeling like I should stay with him, is so many people in here talk about detachment. They stay with the alcoholic and help where they can, but practice detachment. Maybe that's what I should be doing? Maybe I shouldn't be cutting him totally out of my life. Maybe that's worse for him.

Jeeez. But what is worse for me? Feeling guilty and worried away from him or feeling emotionally drained, living in chaos, still worrying, arguing, and crying all the time with him? Right.

IPT

Keep strong - don't call. It's hard, I did it. I stuglled, posted here ALL the time!! Kee strong. Stick toy uor guns. I didn;t even read the whole thing but one thing I saw was "he did it a year ago" or something to that effect. When I finally walked away for good my thought was (and I told her this) "I am tired of going round and round on the merry go round and just eneding up in the same place".

I finally got off the ride. It was maybe the hardest thing I have ever done and I am told and consider myslef to be very mentallt tough. I can tell you know (many months later) there is still a pang ot two, but in the grand scheme of things I am WAY, WAY happier than I have been in a LONG time.

Keep strong!

KeepPedaling

Thanks IPT. I'm really trying.

bookwyrm

Keep Pedaling, you still seem to think you can 'save' him. Sweetie, you can't. No one can but him. The only person here you can save is you. You're the only one who will put you first, who can look after you. You do deserve so much better than this. (((hugs)))

Pelican

IMHO, that seems to be forced sobriety rather than chosen sobriety w/recovery. Maybe he hasn't reached his bottom. His freedom to drink was removed. Now his freedom has been restored. He is free to drink whenever he wants. He is free to drink as much as he wants. He has chosen to excercise his right to consume alcohol.

I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm going to tell you what has worked for me. I give myself a goal. I will not contact the alcoholic for 1 week. Then I add to my goal. I will not contact him for 1 more week. Next thing you know I am taking care of myself and not worrying about the alcoholic.

The biggest impulse I have to resist is the impulse to share good news. I have known my alcoholic 15 years and we were best of friends. I give myself the 3 day goal with that type of impulse. example: Our daughter gets a tooth filled and she recovers well. My impulse is to call him and share that news. I give myself the 3 day goal. Why? He chose alcohol over his family. He lost contact with us a long, long time ago. It will not make any difference in my day or my daughters if I call him to tell him about her filling. The only thing it will do is pull me emotionally back into wondering about his life.


If I call him for all the little things that happen in my life, then in an effort of being polite (and nosey) I will ask how he is doing. If he tells me about how he is struggling, then my codie radar trips on. I start thinking about how I can help him.

The truth for both he and I is this: The best source of help, strength and support for us when we are struggling with life is another recovering alcoholic with more sobriety and recovery than ourselves (or professional therapy). I've tried sharing my concerns with friends or family and it doesn't get me very far. My sister does not understand alcoholism because she is a normal drinker. My girlfriend does not understand my relationship issues because she isn't co-dependent. If I want substantial feedback, I need to find someone that has experienced what I am experiencing.

Have you tried asking yourself why you want to help him? I know about your reasons of getting him through the semester and such. But why do YOU want to be the one to help him? What is in this for you? What is YOUR motivation for this?

Do you want to be the one to rescue him? Will this keep him obligated to you? Are you afraid of being alone?

transformyself

There it is.

Do I accept today that my AH chose alcohol over me, over his family? Or do I stay in denial? Do I keep torturing myself, or try something different? Something radical like focus on my life, making my life better, whether it's doing the dishes, learning a new language or taking up karate?

Hi, I"m Transformyself and I"m utterly powerless over my husbands drinking. Today I chose to expend my energy in ways that will create a healthy happy life for myself and my children.

nodaybut2day

Hi KP...just wanted to chime in regarding detachment, which is what helped me deal with staying in my marriage, AT FIRST. Eventually though, detachment helped me step outside of myself and see that, for me, staying would be like living a shell of a life. I could do it, but I didn't want to. In the end, detachment helped me leave.

Regarding what's worse for him...that's for him to deal with. Not you.

You're focusing on the right thing here: YOU! It looks like you're starting to figure out what you can and can't handle.

Just to tell you, from my experience, there is an immense amount of calmness that comes from being away from the madness of a relationship with an A. It took me a great deal of strength to literally TEAR myself away from him; we were both hanging on in one way or another...once the painful tearing away was done and I rested, I started to feel this immense peace I didn't know I was waiting for. It was and continues to be wonderful.

transformyself

I don't know what it is about this place today. I'm sure this wisdom is usually here, but it's really speaking loudly to me. Helping me. I relate to this SO MUCH and find it amazing.

Codependence is an isolating, shaming disease when active. you good people help me heal in your truth speaking.

Thank you.

KeepPedaling

I'm actually much more comfortable when I'm single. I'm never really "alone" as I have a group of very close friends and am close with my family. I was single for years before my xabf and I found each other again. We were very close when we were younger. I'm thinking about your question, why do I want to help him, and the first thing that comes to mind is that I love him. I'm sure I feel a tremendous amount of loyalty to him due to our longtime friendship. I also know that he doesn't really have anyone. His family isn't too involved with him because of his drinking history. I'm sure he hurt them and scared them a lot over the years.

I feel stronger the longer I'm away from him, which, unfortunately makes me feel even more capable of helping. But, being around him is so hurtful. I was really in love. I thought everything was going to be wonderful and we'd be together forever. He seemed so confident about not drinking again.

Maybe you're right about his drinking. Maybe he only quit because he didn't want to go to jail. I guess I thought he must have hit bottom. I didn't think alcoholics could "fake" quit.

Thanks for your help. I didn't call him last night by the way. It was the first day I didn't get a text or a phone call from him.

KeepPedaling

I do feel much more calm. My peaceful life is returning quickly. I miss him a lot. I miss having the sober him bopping around my apartment cracking jokes. I feel so abandoned. I know I shouldn't because alcoholism is a disease and his choices have nothing to do with me. But I can't help feeling like he abandoned me JUST so he could drink. That's how drinking is to me, "just".

The quiet of my old life is nice to have back. I'm still mourning the dreams I lost about my future life with him though. It's really sad. Alcoholism is really sad.

laurie6781

Got news for you, I have seen several over the years, attend meetings regularly, not drink anywhere from 3 to 8 years WHILE THEY WERE ON PROBATION or PAROLE. The day the Probation or Parole ended, they went and got drunk.

No they hadn't hit there bottom.

I will repeat what others have already said, so hopefully you will understand ............................. Y0U CANNOT HELP HIM ............................. he has to WANT recovery more than he wants to drink. When he reaches that point, he already has the tools, he knows where to go.

Please TAKE CARE OF YOU.

Keep posting and venting here, it does help, honest.

Good for you!!!!! Now carry that throughout today also!

Love and hugs,

KeepPedaling

They got drunk to celebrate or they started drinking again? That is just so strange. 3 to 8 years!

Thanks Laurie.

TakingCharge999

Hi KP!!

Stay strong ,just for today let's try to think about ourselves.
I am also going back to "what if I say hi" or thinking about looking at his FB, yes of course, because almost a year of pain was not enough and TC999 deserves even more! UGH

I got issues with bf and money and sex and health and I am tired, so very tired of this year. The only thing I can do for the next few hours is do my job well. Later... well, later has not come yet.


What can you do NOW that makes you feel better?????

Lilly Burn

Keeppedalling, dont.....you have found what I did after 7 years of trying to help, fixing him...it rarely works, be with your friends, stay strong for your future, I have had a horrible year and a great year, I have added so much to my life since it stopped revolving around my STBEXAH, I was independent, happy, financially secure etc when I met my husband, my divorce is costing ME a fortune and I might lose my home...think carefully before you help him and you into a state of mind and hole that you cant get out of easily. You come first, try to remember that...your friends do, I bet! Said from the heart. Lilly xx

laurie6781

Both. They had only 'gone through the motions' to keep their azzes out of jail and as soon as they were off probation and/or parole .......................... they were back out there again, doing what they did best .............................. drinking and/or drugging.

See, they hadn't worked on the underlying 'causes' of their addiction.

The other side of the coin is I have also seen ones that do stay sober, that work on themselves, that change, that live their lives differently than before and are fairly comfortable in their recovery because they did work on themselves.

Recovery is a 'One person show.' Even me, once I did find recovery, I still had to do it all by myself. Sure my sponsor was there, sure she gave me suggestions and told me how she had worked the steps, but .................................. I had to do it, I had to work on me.

You can't help him sweetie, and every time you call or go over you give him an inkling that he can just continue the way he is going.

Have you tried Al-Anon for you yet? Or some counseling? It would be a Big Help for you.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Pelican

[QUOTE=KeepPedaling;2465913
I feel stronger the longer I'm away from him, which, unfortunately makes me feel even more capable of helping. But, being around him is so hurtful. I was really in love. .[/QUOTE]

It's time for Hancock!

Hancock the movie. Rent it again. The moral of the story: the farther away she gets from the obnoxious drunk - the stronger she gets.

I also love the codie moment in the movie when Hancock crumbles the cul-de-sac and the movies "fixer" says "oh, it was already like that...."

You're doing great! One day at a time (((hugs)))