Smithers

Ok so it's been a while since my last post, and sadly i did not live up to my personal commitment to contribute to this forum in times where i felt better and so should have helped out others if I could, so sorry for that (I will try to participate more actively in the future).

The last couple times I posted on this forum I was given the advice to distance myself from my alcoholic mother. When I read that I was shocked; I could never leave her feeling left behind! Or so I thought, because this advice has influenced me more than I knew. I started thinking about myself a lot more, why I am entitled to live my own life and not let her disease hold me back. Since this summer she is in an absolute pitfall; doesn't see her friends anymore, only leaves the house in the morning to get booze, gets drunk and falls asleep. When she wakes up again in the afternoon/evening (still drunk) she wreaks chaos. This is her daily routine, except on weekends where she is totally sober and back to normal.
During this period I suddenly realized that I was really living my own life more and more; I don't spend all day worrying about her when I'm at my own place (I live with amazing roommates) anymore, fall asleep easier etc. Of course there are still days where I can't sleep and feel guilty, such as right now.

The most crushing blow of all came last week, and I am still digesting it. After my incessant urging for her to call a rehab center, she finally decided to do so. This was two months ago, and she did go there numerous times for an intake and also for the setup of a treatment plan. Last week they had finally finished the treatment plan, and the treatment is (lo and behold): there is no treatment. According to this treatment facility my mother is not motivated sufficiently to change (at least not for herself, the only reason why she went there in the first place was for us). When I heard this I felt like I got hit by a truck. Initially I didn't understand; "how could they say such a thing?" and "they should know better than to believe what she tells them." But of course in the end the only person that can change her behavior is herself. I finally realized that she doesn't really want to change. This disease has total control over her. She went from being a caring mother, friend and well-educated business woman to being (it hurts to say this but a fact is a fact) a useless drunk. It terrifies me to see how her alcoholism controls every single minute of every single day of this poor woman's life. I want to save her but I just can't. I miss the person that she used to be so much that I can't even explain it.

I'm going on a student exchange program to the US (I live in Europe) in January and have to face the fact that she may not make it until I get back in July. Why do I feel guilty about going? I don't know, I just do...

I know that it probably isn't possible to give any real advice, but if anyone knows a way to stop this ship from sinking, please, please, tell me... I'm terrified...

LuvinMe

My mother was an addict, and it really hurt our childhood, adult life etc.. But you really need to let go and allow her to finish. It's a disease that she have to be ready to deal with. What would hurt worse is.. She went into treatment, stayed clean for a couple of months and relapsed! I know this is painful, but please let her go for your own sanity!

Smithers

Thanks for your answer. I know that you're right, maybe she will finally understand sometime. Or maybe she won't... Either way I have to finally live my life without worrying/feeling guilty all the time.
I know that it must be very, very difficult to deal with a relapse, but to me the worst of it is that she won't even try to get sober...

ElegantlyWasted

The simple answer is that before you can giver her any real help; She has to really want it. Until she is ready nearly every well intentioned thing you do or say will be used as a rationalization to continue drinking. Healthy detachment is the best thing for you as well as her. On some level it is a decision on her part to continue her problem drinking and she will say any thing to continue to use you as an enabler. Just tell her youlove
her, and because of that you want to see her have a better life, but also that you have to live your own live as best you can figure it out. Offer help to her, but stipulate real help only comes when she is ready. Accept that this is what she has choosen for now. Just my 2 cents. Have a great time on your exchange ( wish I would have don it when I was in college).