Damaged82

I'm so grateful that I have somewhere I can go and let out every emotion I feel and not have anyone judge me and tell me I'm wrong. I thank God that you understand. I love my AH with all of my heart. For a little while, things were getting better and I decided to try to compromise b/c it seemed as though nothing else was working and I just want our relationship to not fail. Everything was going fine and I've even been trying to channel my anger about certain circumstances. He had a quart with a buddy after work the other day. I was a little angry simply b/c he had his beer face and speech on. I know him too well. I was a little angry-but I sucked it up b/c at least he wasn't drinking AND driving (to him, it means simultaneously I guess) and he wasn't alone to sit and think about crap and take it out on me for lack of anyone else to pick a fight with. So, yesterday he calls me at work and is getting pissy with me about a bunch of crap that I just consider miscommunication. Whoop di doo. Not a big deal to me, but he insisted on being a jerk. He had a bad day, and I have bad days and get pissy-so I tried to not take it too personally. I got home after a HORRIBLE day, he's sleeping. So, I looked for his keys b/c his behavior had been suspicious. I couldn't find them...He had hidden them so I couldn't go search his car. But I had found an empty quart of beer under the couch. That was pretty exciting. Sarcasm duelly noted. And I think he knew it b/c before I could say anything about the beer, he began jumping down my throat about every little thing I said. OH MY GOD! I'm just tired of it. So I kicked his car and tried to hide my RAGE from him. He sees my sadness, rarely my rage. I wound up denting the driver's side panel, but not beyond simple repair. I know, it's bad...but he actually laughed at me as I cried about it. We wound up talking for a little while and the night wasn't so bad. But I'm still upset b/c the alcohol wasn't an issue last night, and it bothers me.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hey Damaged?

What purpose does searching for empty bottles serve? You know when he's using. Are you looking for proof? For who? He knows when he's using, too.

No amount of snooping, confronting, sadness or raging is going to make someone else stop drinking. He'll stop when he's ready. If he's ever ready. Letting yourself be consumed with what he's doing will just make you nuts and feed the anger. When he's being poopy... try finding something nice for YOU to do. You don't have to go wading through the muck just because he is.

Hugs,
Smoke

constant

Just wanted to ask a question after reading the post....why are you searching his car and under the couch?

I know that you think you feel better when you are keeping tabs, but you seemed angry to me. Picture the scenerio you came in and he was asleep (passed out, whatever) on the couch...you walked by and didn't give it a second thought.....fixed your dinner, or took a bath, read a book or went out for ice cream......you wouldn't have been torn out of the frame!

Take time out for you and let go of him....he is going to do what he chooses anyway. By not saying anything or searching his belongings elimnates YOU from being the "bad guy."

Hang in there girl,
Constant

Damaged82

Thanks for the honest opinions. I guess the only reason I go looking is for reasurrance that I'm right. When he tries to hide it and deny it, yet I can still tell...I still know anyway, I like to have evidence that I'm not crazy. You're right, though. I'll give him a break. But, the bottle wasn't what I was looking for, I just happened to find it. And when I look in his car for empty bottles, it's to get them out of his car in case he gets pulled over. Perhaps I only thought I was helping. Maybe I have just been making it harder on everyone else.

It's my 21st bday today. I'm excited and nervous. I don't want my life to go that route, but at the same time...maybe things will be easier on us if we can both go out and have A drink or 2 afterwork, rather than him getting drunk at work and being "gone" for the rest of the night. He did that last night too...I've seen him in another world the past 3 nights in a row. It makes me feel like he's celebrating my bday more than I am. Could he maybe be jelouse b/c he's 27? Maybe he wishes he was 21 again and could do things differently? I donno'. Thanks again for the opinions. I'll take them to heart and try to stop snooping. *hugz* damaged

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Damaged.

Happy Birthday!

Not snooping is not to give him a break. Far be it from me! It's to give you a break.

Now I have a question. Another one.... lol. Just why would a 27 year old be jealous of a 21 year old's birthday? It's not exactly over the hill. I just turned 44 and it's only been in the last few years that I didn't actually think I got better every year. I'm talking looks. I still think my mind gets better every year. The looks are slipping but I've gotten lazy.

I only bring this up because it rang a warning bell in my head. It made me wonder if YOU think he's going to rack and ruin. If he looks old to you... if he acts old or stuck in a rut... at 27! ... I mean like... wow. Of course, drinking and smoking(anything) is hard on your body and can make you age in appearance faster. But I'm sorry... I got the image of you being a trophy girlfriend to a seedy old drunk. Eeeewwwww! So... did I make this up... or did I get this idea from you? Perhaps I exaggerate... but is that how you see the situation? If it is... is this a situation you want?

Have a great birthday... and if anybody is drinking... buy yourself a cab ride as a present. Be safe.

Hugs!
Smoke

JT

Happy Birthday!! Plan something for yourself...if he wants to join you great. But if not do it anyway!!

Birthdays are the worst...if he is a jerk I am afraid you will dent the other fender!

Hugs,
JT

paradox

you take the empties out of his car in case he gets pulled over? it seems like you are taking on something that should be his responsibilty. i am married to an alcoholic and learned the long painful hard way that trying to protect them from the consequences on their behavior is not doing them any favors. it just prolongs their addiction. sometimes bad things have to happen to them before they will make any changes. I'm not trying to bust your chops just trying to share something from my own experience. happy b day!

TinyOne

Damaged:
Last week I told my live-in fiance that he had to get out. I still look for empties. It's against all the rules but it gives me affirmation of the decision I made. He has two backpacks, On Monday I noticed the one he left at home had a full bottle, I wondered if he was trying to prove to himself that he could slow down (himself-it's too late for me) but on Saturday I noticed the bottle was empty! Does he have one at work and he trades the full for the empty? Does he have one stashed here and does the same?? As of Thursday it was full. Now empty. Hmm. If you're going to look then tell yourself that you're going to do something about it if you find some. Start putting that 'break up' idea in your head.

Don't drink! At least not with him, go out with some GFs if you want to celebrate your 21st the right way. It would be giving him 'permission' to drink. And there's a physical aspect. Have you ever heard "If he hits a wall in anger, it's only a matter of time until he hits you?" Well, honey, I'm thinking that if you kick a car in anger while you're sober and then get drunk your mouth might run away with you, you might take the first swing and ................... Oh God, it is so bad to think about. And the worst part of it is: the next day you'll be more likely to forgive him for the battering since it was 'your fault' for drinking with him.

"Oh no, he would never hit me" But, has he ever seen you drunk and ballistic and hitting him?

Good luck. Next year on your birthday I predict you'll be wondering why you ever stayed so long.