Frustration
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Frustration
How frustrating, I had written a whole long post and it hung up on me and crashed.
I am sorry I have not been here more often with all of you. I have been struggling lately. Part of it is that I get seasonal depression, I am taking medication but that never really "cures" it, it just helps me cope with it. Considering its the holidays and STBXH and I are separated, its no surprise, really, that most days I cry at least once.
A couple of issues popped up the last few days.
Friday night I took the two gals who report to me out work out for dinner. Planned event. He wanted me to take one of the kids on Friday night (when he usually has them both and is my only night free) so it would be "easier" for him. I declined, told him of my plans. So yesterday, because the husband of one of these women is also my friend and also on FB, I see that STBXH has written on this guy's wall, double-checking to see if his wife is actually gone to dinner with me. I suppose because he thinks I'm on a date. And I'm just angry and furious and sick of this stupid game. He is continually checking to see if I have a boyfriend yet. I hate it. Its none of his business. I don't, and am not likely to anytime in the near future, but seriously. We're not together. I could be doing half the guys in town and as long as I wasn't doing it in front of my kids it STILL wouldn't be his business. So I am working with how to detach from being angry that he's trying to control my social life.
The other issue is really my fault and I know what I need to do, I just need to write out what I'm going to do so that someone can hold me accountable.
He and I both blog. I blog quite frequently, he not so much, and I'm not sure anyone but me reads it. At any rate, I know he reads mine and I have a personal standard of not writing anything derogatory about him or about our relationship. At the most I might write "I picked up the kids at their dads" or something of that nature, so people would of course be able to read into it that we were separated. And that apparently really bothers him. I check his blog from time to time...and I probably shouldn't. I have all sorts of excuses why I do this, none of which hold water. But anyway, he posted this weekend about how angry he was, and over something unspecified that I had written in my blog. I don't even know what it was, and I KNOW this is his way of passively aggressively trying to get me upset and freak out and wonder what I've done to make him angry, and even so I spent probably an hour poring over all of my blog posts for the past two years trying without success to figure out what it was that I had written.
And if I were being all zen-like and cool and detached, I would tell myself the same thing I would tell him: You're not detached if you're reading my blog and getting all freaked out about it. You don't get to control what I say or do. If you don't want to get upset by my words (words which belong to me and which I have every right to say) then don't read my blog. Period. Dummy.
So I should start taking this advice.
:sigh
I am sorry I have not been here more often with all of you. I have been struggling lately. Part of it is that I get seasonal depression, I am taking medication but that never really "cures" it, it just helps me cope with it. Considering its the holidays and STBXH and I are separated, its no surprise, really, that most days I cry at least once.
A couple of issues popped up the last few days.
Friday night I took the two gals who report to me out work out for dinner. Planned event. He wanted me to take one of the kids on Friday night (when he usually has them both and is my only night free) so it would be "easier" for him. I declined, told him of my plans. So yesterday, because the husband of one of these women is also my friend and also on FB, I see that STBXH has written on this guy's wall, double-checking to see if his wife is actually gone to dinner with me. I suppose because he thinks I'm on a date. And I'm just angry and furious and sick of this stupid game. He is continually checking to see if I have a boyfriend yet. I hate it. Its none of his business. I don't, and am not likely to anytime in the near future, but seriously. We're not together. I could be doing half the guys in town and as long as I wasn't doing it in front of my kids it STILL wouldn't be his business. So I am working with how to detach from being angry that he's trying to control my social life.
The other issue is really my fault and I know what I need to do, I just need to write out what I'm going to do so that someone can hold me accountable.
He and I both blog. I blog quite frequently, he not so much, and I'm not sure anyone but me reads it. At any rate, I know he reads mine and I have a personal standard of not writing anything derogatory about him or about our relationship. At the most I might write "I picked up the kids at their dads" or something of that nature, so people would of course be able to read into it that we were separated. And that apparently really bothers him. I check his blog from time to time...and I probably shouldn't. I have all sorts of excuses why I do this, none of which hold water. But anyway, he posted this weekend about how angry he was, and over something unspecified that I had written in my blog. I don't even know what it was, and I KNOW this is his way of passively aggressively trying to get me upset and freak out and wonder what I've done to make him angry, and even so I spent probably an hour poring over all of my blog posts for the past two years trying without success to figure out what it was that I had written.
And if I were being all zen-like and cool and detached, I would tell myself the same thing I would tell him: You're not detached if you're reading my blog and getting all freaked out about it. You don't get to control what I say or do. If you don't want to get upset by my words (words which belong to me and which I have every right to say) then don't read my blog. Period. Dummy.
So I should start taking this advice.
:sigh
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
I just think it's a part of their disease to be a little manipulative. After all, they're selfish in so many other ways - that's just the nature of the disease.
Maybe break it down in a simple form (and I should totally take my own advice here..) - Dude picked booze over you and your life and your kids' lives. He doesn't get the right to know what's going on in your life.
Maybe that's just plain jane simple, but it certainly helps me. Don't get me wrong, I'm empathetic to alcoholism. I know it's *not* that simple, but at the same time - you could look at it as a day to day thing:
He has chosen to drink today, and that brings all the cluster-eff problems with it that we all know and love. So if he chooses to drink today, I am choosing to stay away. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.
It seems to help me.
Maybe break it down in a simple form (and I should totally take my own advice here..) - Dude picked booze over you and your life and your kids' lives. He doesn't get the right to know what's going on in your life.
Maybe that's just plain jane simple, but it certainly helps me. Don't get me wrong, I'm empathetic to alcoholism. I know it's *not* that simple, but at the same time - you could look at it as a day to day thing:
He has chosen to drink today, and that brings all the cluster-eff problems with it that we all know and love. So if he chooses to drink today, I am choosing to stay away. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.
It seems to help me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
That's a good way to look at it.
Funny, the reason we split is not because of alcholism...per se. He has mental health issues and problems with anger & rage, which are why I asked him to leave. He hadn't been drinking at all for almost a year, not because he didn't want to, but because he had such bad acid reflux he couldn't sleep when he did. Before the acid reflux he had reached a point of drinking two to three stiff rum and cokes as soon as he got home from work and falling asleep on the couch by 8 pm or so.
I was going to say that alcohol isn't the problem...but I just remembered he told me recently that he discovered he could tolerate wine again. I'm not sure I even want to analyze if that has anything to do with his behavior. I think he drinks because of his problems, not the other way around. But you are SO right -- it IS quacking.
Quack, Quack Quack.
There, I feel a little better.
Funny, the reason we split is not because of alcholism...per se. He has mental health issues and problems with anger & rage, which are why I asked him to leave. He hadn't been drinking at all for almost a year, not because he didn't want to, but because he had such bad acid reflux he couldn't sleep when he did. Before the acid reflux he had reached a point of drinking two to three stiff rum and cokes as soon as he got home from work and falling asleep on the couch by 8 pm or so.
I was going to say that alcohol isn't the problem...but I just remembered he told me recently that he discovered he could tolerate wine again. I'm not sure I even want to analyze if that has anything to do with his behavior. I think he drinks because of his problems, not the other way around. But you are SO right -- it IS quacking.
Quack, Quack Quack.
There, I feel a little better.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
LOL!
they know what buttons to push.
our job ... is to make those same buttons
inert. Insignifigant.
Good vent!
I think that facebook stuff is a crock.
I've seen it used more as a weapon
than any means of advancing the self.
they know what buttons to push.
our job ... is to make those same buttons
inert. Insignifigant.
Good vent!
I think that facebook stuff is a crock.
I've seen it used more as a weapon
than any means of advancing the self.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
FACEBOOOOOK!
Hey, I just wrote a thread that I deactivated my account completely.
Once again, glad I did.
Cowgirl, be good to yourself. Ugh, those manipulations are so frustrating. Mine was so passive aggressive with me, and now that I have completely disappeared from view and anyone he knows, I guess he can be passive aggressive with someone else. Yay!
Hey, I just wrote a thread that I deactivated my account completely.
Once again, glad I did.
Cowgirl, be good to yourself. Ugh, those manipulations are so frustrating. Mine was so passive aggressive with me, and now that I have completely disappeared from view and anyone he knows, I guess he can be passive aggressive with someone else. Yay!
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
:ghug3
Yeah, he poked his nose in where it wasn't wanted but did that stop you from going out and having a good time? You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for! You know what to do to help yourself, its just getting your emotions there that's the trick!
I'm typing this in front of my light box right now - have you tried using one? I bring mine into work with me for a blast of healthy light first thing in the morning. The urge to hibernate in the winter is so strong with me and it gets so messed up with my depression but this helps!
Can you move your blog to another service he doesn't know about and give yourself some freedom?
Yeah, he poked his nose in where it wasn't wanted but did that stop you from going out and having a good time? You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for! You know what to do to help yourself, its just getting your emotions there that's the trick!
I'm typing this in front of my light box right now - have you tried using one? I bring mine into work with me for a blast of healthy light first thing in the morning. The urge to hibernate in the winter is so strong with me and it gets so messed up with my depression but this helps!
Can you move your blog to another service he doesn't know about and give yourself some freedom?
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