How frustrating, I had written a whole long post and it hung up on me and crashed.
I am sorry I have not been here more often with all of you. I have been struggling lately. Part of it is that I get seasonal depression, I am taking medication but that never really "cures" it, it just helps me cope with it. Considering its the holidays and STBXH and I are separated, its no surprise, really, that most days I cry at least once.
A couple of issues popped up the last few days.
Friday night I took the two gals who report to me out work out for dinner. Planned event. He wanted me to take one of the kids on Friday night (when he usually has them both and is my only night free) so it would be "easier" for him. I declined, told him of my plans. So yesterday, because the husband of one of these women is also my friend and also on FB, I see that STBXH has written on this guy's wall, double-checking to see if his wife is actually gone to dinner with me. I suppose because he thinks I'm on a date. And I'm just angry and furious and sick of this stupid game. He is continually checking to see if I have a boyfriend yet. I hate it. Its none of his business. I don't, and am not likely to anytime in the near future, but seriously. We're not together. I could be doing half the guys in town and as long as I wasn't doing it in front of my kids it STILL wouldn't be his business. So I am working with how to detach from being angry that he's trying to control my social life.
The other issue is really my fault and I know what I need to do, I just need to write out what I'm going to do so that someone can hold me accountable.
He and I both blog. I blog quite frequently, he not so much, and I'm not sure anyone but me reads it. At any rate, I know he reads mine and I have a personal standard of not writing anything derogatory about him or about our relationship. At the most I might write "I picked up the kids at their dads" or something of that nature, so people would of course be able to read into it that we were separated. And that apparently really bothers him. I check his blog from time to time...and I probably shouldn't. I have all sorts of excuses why I do this, none of which hold water. But anyway, he posted this weekend about how angry he was, and over something unspecified that I had written in my blog. I don't even know what it was, and I KNOW this is his way of passively aggressively trying to get me upset and freak out and wonder what I've done to make him angry, and even so I spent probably an hour poring over all of my blog posts for the past two years trying without success to figure out what it was that I had written.
And if I were being all zen-like and cool and detached, I would tell myself the same thing I would tell him: You're not detached if you're reading my blog and getting all freaked out about it. You don't get to control what I say or do. If you don't want to get upset by my words (words which belong to me and which I have every right to say) then don't read my blog. Period. Dummy.
So I should start taking this advice.
:sigh