Alcoholism as a Disease
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 51
Alcoholism as a Disease
I have posted a few times on this forum in the past regarding my mother's alcoholism. Without spending too much on the back story: My mother has been severly abusing alcohol for the last seven years. March of this year my mother did a month long stint in the hospital and it was found that her liver was failing. The doctor has told her that her liver is unable to recover and she will eventually die without a liver transplant. Her doctor has strongly advised her to abstain from consuming any more alcohol as it will accelerate the failing of her liver.
My mother met with an addiction counselor while in the hospital. She was given paperwork on treatment and recovery centers near to her home. My mother was also given paperwork on how to go about getting on a list for liver transplants; she also met with someone regarding this option.
After all of this, she went home and began drinking almost immediatly. Up until a month ago I have allowed my life to revolve around my mother's alcoholism. I am emotionally and mentally traumatized as a result. Recently I made a choice to start my coping and "recovery" process by making the difficult choice to estrange myself from my mother. I love my mother, but can no longer stand by as she chooses to abuse her body and mind.
This is where I pose a question to other members of this community:
Is alcoholism a disease? And if so, is it a disease that the person "afflicted" can not control?
I have come under horrible ridicule from family members and friends of our family. They have been sending me hateful emails telling me I am a "disgustingly selfish and cruel person" for abandoning my mother when she is suffering from a disease. They have told me that I need to be accepting of her alcoholism because she can not control what she does. I am beside myself with bewilderment and anger at the truely hurtful things they have been accusing me of. In the past I have offered my mother thousands of dollars to send her to treatment and have offered to go with her to treatment so she would not be alone. I have made excuses for her and lied for her just so she wouldn't get in trouble from family, friends, and work. I even put off my marriage to my husband because my mother kept promising she would become sober if I waited. I feel like I have given up so much and suffered so much.
I have not estranged myself from my other as a way to "punish" her as most of my family implies. I would give anything to have a healthy and loving relationship with my mother, but as she continues to drink it is just not possible. I have tried to be a silent witness, but it hurts me too much.
Am I in the wrong here? I'm so confused.
Thank you for reading and I appreciate any replies.
My mother met with an addiction counselor while in the hospital. She was given paperwork on treatment and recovery centers near to her home. My mother was also given paperwork on how to go about getting on a list for liver transplants; she also met with someone regarding this option.
After all of this, she went home and began drinking almost immediatly. Up until a month ago I have allowed my life to revolve around my mother's alcoholism. I am emotionally and mentally traumatized as a result. Recently I made a choice to start my coping and "recovery" process by making the difficult choice to estrange myself from my mother. I love my mother, but can no longer stand by as she chooses to abuse her body and mind.
This is where I pose a question to other members of this community:
Is alcoholism a disease? And if so, is it a disease that the person "afflicted" can not control?
I have come under horrible ridicule from family members and friends of our family. They have been sending me hateful emails telling me I am a "disgustingly selfish and cruel person" for abandoning my mother when she is suffering from a disease. They have told me that I need to be accepting of her alcoholism because she can not control what she does. I am beside myself with bewilderment and anger at the truely hurtful things they have been accusing me of. In the past I have offered my mother thousands of dollars to send her to treatment and have offered to go with her to treatment so she would not be alone. I have made excuses for her and lied for her just so she wouldn't get in trouble from family, friends, and work. I even put off my marriage to my husband because my mother kept promising she would become sober if I waited. I feel like I have given up so much and suffered so much.
I have not estranged myself from my other as a way to "punish" her as most of my family implies. I would give anything to have a healthy and loving relationship with my mother, but as she continues to drink it is just not possible. I have tried to be a silent witness, but it hurts me too much.
Am I in the wrong here? I'm so confused.
Thank you for reading and I appreciate any replies.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: far left of center
Posts: 237
Bill w., founder of a.a. was careful to NOT call it a disease. He always called it an illness- a condition characterized by an identifiable and distinct set of symptoms.
Whether or not it is a disease, though, isn't really what you are asking is it? I believe you are asking "am I wrong for walking away?" Only you can answer for yourself. You have every right to not witness someone you love self destruct.
Whether or not it is a disease, though, isn't really what you are asking is it? I believe you are asking "am I wrong for walking away?" Only you can answer for yourself. You have every right to not witness someone you love self destruct.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 51
Thank you for your reply! I think you might be right in that my underlying question really does amount to that. When I made the choice to "walk away" I felt it was in my best interest because being witness to her alcoholism was doing me no favors. Since estranging myself from her I have been more motivated and optimistic. It's been only positive changes, really. However after the onslaught of the emails from family/friends, I have begun to feel guilty and question if my choice was really cruel. The choice was never motivated by malicious or what I consider selfish means, but the people I care about are painting it as such. I thought they would be thrilled to see how well I've been doing for myself, but instead they focus on what my mother tells them: That I've abandoned her when she was dying. It hurts and it confuses me.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Nola-
How hard for you to have to cope with this situation at the onset of 'holiday' season.
I was strongly criticized by my family for 'cutting off' my sister
(this years and years before I ever drank like the alcoholic I am)
and this after her alcoholism cost me a house!
I hope you'll get involved in Alanon even adult children group in your area.
You need support right now, not criticism.
Something *I* am only now learning
that, having been raised to accommodate my own famiy's addictions
I had no IDEA how to incorporate the abstract concept
of self-preservation
until I became am alcoholic my self,
then found recovery -
here's a news flash that no one wants you to know:
You have every right
to preserve your self.
You do not require permission
to save your own sanity.
As children of users,
we're raised to believe
that we are the ones
on whose blood, energy, and life
they cannot function without.
we're raised to believe we OWE our everything
without limit -
we are their support on demand
and we're to believe it's our own fallibility
our own shortcomings
because we are trained to
bleed and bleed and bleed
and give and give and give
at their beck and call.
To a hunger that cannot be fed
a thirst that cannot be sated.
Whether a disease
or a personality disorder
is not really important
when the house of cards
is collapsing all around, is it?
Life and death
is an alcoholic's ball field.
Whether we realize it
and then own it
or we deny it
to the grave.
You do not require permission
to protect yourself.
That's my Christmas gift to you.
I hope you'll seek 3-d support during this emotional season.
My prayers for your serenity and healing.
How hard for you to have to cope with this situation at the onset of 'holiday' season.
I was strongly criticized by my family for 'cutting off' my sister
(this years and years before I ever drank like the alcoholic I am)
and this after her alcoholism cost me a house!
I hope you'll get involved in Alanon even adult children group in your area.
You need support right now, not criticism.
Something *I* am only now learning
that, having been raised to accommodate my own famiy's addictions
I had no IDEA how to incorporate the abstract concept
of self-preservation
until I became am alcoholic my self,
then found recovery -
here's a news flash that no one wants you to know:
You have every right
to preserve your self.
You do not require permission
to save your own sanity.
As children of users,
we're raised to believe
that we are the ones
on whose blood, energy, and life
they cannot function without.
we're raised to believe we OWE our everything
without limit -
we are their support on demand
and we're to believe it's our own fallibility
our own shortcomings
because we are trained to
bleed and bleed and bleed
and give and give and give
at their beck and call.
To a hunger that cannot be fed
a thirst that cannot be sated.
Whether a disease
or a personality disorder
is not really important
when the house of cards
is collapsing all around, is it?
Life and death
is an alcoholic's ball field.
Whether we realize it
and then own it
or we deny it
to the grave.
You do not require permission
to protect yourself.
That's my Christmas gift to you.
I hope you'll seek 3-d support during this emotional season.
My prayers for your serenity and healing.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I don't believe anyone wants to be an alcoholic, but I also believe that once informed of treatment for it - it's their choice to put that "disease" into remission.
If they choose not to, so be it - but we all have choices and we need make the best ones for ourselves.
I would not be able to watch my own Mother slowly destroy herself that way, I would walk away.
If they choose not to, so be it - but we all have choices and we need make the best ones for ourselves.
I would not be able to watch my own Mother slowly destroy herself that way, I would walk away.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
try going to and working the alanon program
Read the alanon literature about detachment -detaching with love.
You do not have to go down with the ship.
If warnings about death die to liver failure is not her bottom, then she, like many others, may very well die
from this disease. Get yourself healthy...that is what you do have control over.
Read the alanon literature about detachment -detaching with love.
You do not have to go down with the ship.
If warnings about death die to liver failure is not her bottom, then she, like many others, may very well die
from this disease. Get yourself healthy...that is what you do have control over.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
It really is her choice. She's choosing not to help herself. You're choosing not to be supportive of that, which I think is completely fair. If she were choosing to help herself, to try, you would be supportive of that I'm sure.
It's too bad she's not choosing recovery. If she chooses to drink, she will not be put on the list for a liver transplant. If she chooses to stay sober, she can get on the list for a donor and possibly receive a transplant and live. Unfortunately, it sounds like she's not going to do that. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. I helped a friend through this situation once and it was so hard. However, my friend chose to try, to be sober, she got the transplant, and she's alive and well today.
But she was a friend, and not my mom. Either way, dealing with liver failure is extremely hard emotionally. My heart really goes out to you. You are so amazingly strong. Do whatever you have to do to get through it. Try to ignore the hateful emails.
It's too bad she's not choosing recovery. If she chooses to drink, she will not be put on the list for a liver transplant. If she chooses to stay sober, she can get on the list for a donor and possibly receive a transplant and live. Unfortunately, it sounds like she's not going to do that. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. I helped a friend through this situation once and it was so hard. However, my friend chose to try, to be sober, she got the transplant, and she's alive and well today.
But she was a friend, and not my mom. Either way, dealing with liver failure is extremely hard emotionally. My heart really goes out to you. You are so amazingly strong. Do whatever you have to do to get through it. Try to ignore the hateful emails.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I had an aunt that was diagnosed with cancer. She immediately made plans to die and chose not to go through chemo.
Some people do the same thing with alcoholism.
The "is alcoholism a disease" topic has had more than its share of heated threads here at SR. I don't want to get into another one but I will say this: The American Medical Association calls it a disease.
Sorry you are going through this during the holidays.
Some people do the same thing with alcoholism.
The "is alcoholism a disease" topic has had more than its share of heated threads here at SR. I don't want to get into another one but I will say this: The American Medical Association calls it a disease.
Sorry you are going through this during the holidays.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by barb dwyer 
Nola-
How hard for you to have to cope with this situation at the onset of 'holiday' season.
I was strongly criticized by my family for 'cutting off' my sister
(this years and years before I ever drank like the alcoholic I am)
and this after her alcoholism cost me a house!
I hope you'll get involved in Alanon even adult children group in your area.
You need support right now, not criticism.
Something *I* am only now learning
that, having been raised to accommodate my own famiy's addictions
I had no IDEA how to incorporate the abstract concept
of self-preservation
until I became am alcoholic my self,
then found recovery -
here's a news flash that no one wants you to know:
You have every right
to preserve your self.
You do not require permission
to save your own sanity.
As children of users,
we're raised to believe
that we are the ones
on whose blood, energy, and life
they cannot function without.
we're raised to believe we OWE our everything
without limit -
we are their support on demand
and we're to believe it's our own fallibility
our own shortcomings
because we are trained to
bleed and bleed and bleed
and give and give and give
at their beck and call.
To a hunger that cannot be fed
a thirst that cannot be sated.
Whether a disease
or a personality disorder
is not really important
when the house of cards
is collapsing all around, is it?
Life and death
is an alcoholic's ball field.
Whether we realize it
and then own it
or we deny it
to the grave.
You do not require permission
to protect yourself.
That's my Christmas gift to you.
I hope you'll seek 3-d support during this emotional season.
My prayers for your serenity and healing.
How hard for you to have to cope with this situation at the onset of 'holiday' season.
I was strongly criticized by my family for 'cutting off' my sister
(this years and years before I ever drank like the alcoholic I am)
and this after her alcoholism cost me a house!
I hope you'll get involved in Alanon even adult children group in your area.
You need support right now, not criticism.
Something *I* am only now learning
that, having been raised to accommodate my own famiy's addictions
I had no IDEA how to incorporate the abstract concept
of self-preservation
until I became am alcoholic my self,
then found recovery -
here's a news flash that no one wants you to know:
You have every right
to preserve your self.
You do not require permission
to save your own sanity.
As children of users,
we're raised to believe
that we are the ones
on whose blood, energy, and life
they cannot function without.
we're raised to believe we OWE our everything
without limit -
we are their support on demand
and we're to believe it's our own fallibility
our own shortcomings
because we are trained to
bleed and bleed and bleed
and give and give and give
at their beck and call.
To a hunger that cannot be fed
a thirst that cannot be sated.
Whether a disease
or a personality disorder
is not really important
when the house of cards
is collapsing all around, is it?
Life and death
is an alcoholic's ball field.
Whether we realize it
and then own it
or we deny it
to the grave.
You do not require permission
to protect yourself.
That's my Christmas gift to you.
I hope you'll seek 3-d support during this emotional season.
My prayers for your serenity and healing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 225
To pick up on the remarks expressing concern about responsibility dodging, your mum bears the responsibility to get herself the remedy to her illness (and there is no-one that truthfully said she doesn't).
NOLA Girl you are doing the right thing not only for yourself, but also what is the best way to show your mum how to bear her own responsibilities.
The aunt that chose not to go through chemotherapy may have chosen that coolly (I don't know enough about the subject) but alcoholism brings with it mental obsessions and latches onto any already present.
The fallacy in the 'reasoning' of family members who put pressure on you is (besides anything already mentioned), that they are continuing to enable her when she needs a clear example shown of responsibility taking. It is literally her last chance. Liver failure reputedly is painful and she certainly won't have thought it out all coolly in her befuddled state. Her 'reasons' for drinking will contain various mental obsessions on various subjects (reinforced by craving if she drinks often enough) and the only chance of remission for her is a breath of sanity like you have resolved to create. Carry on doing it for you above all even if she and they don't want to benefit sufficiently from it.
It must be very hurtful, at the bottom of bottoms they are not malicious, the befuddledness has spread to them that's all.
NOLA Girl you are doing the right thing not only for yourself, but also what is the best way to show your mum how to bear her own responsibilities.
The aunt that chose not to go through chemotherapy may have chosen that coolly (I don't know enough about the subject) but alcoholism brings with it mental obsessions and latches onto any already present.
The fallacy in the 'reasoning' of family members who put pressure on you is (besides anything already mentioned), that they are continuing to enable her when she needs a clear example shown of responsibility taking. It is literally her last chance. Liver failure reputedly is painful and she certainly won't have thought it out all coolly in her befuddled state. Her 'reasons' for drinking will contain various mental obsessions on various subjects (reinforced by craving if she drinks often enough) and the only chance of remission for her is a breath of sanity like you have resolved to create. Carry on doing it for you above all even if she and they don't want to benefit sufficiently from it.
It must be very hurtful, at the bottom of bottoms they are not malicious, the befuddledness has spread to them that's all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
It's her choice, not yours.
She opens the alcohol
She drinks it
It's not a disease
It's a choice
It's quite offensive calling it a disease to people who really have a physical disease and can't make choices like she can.
You've done so much for her
You are allowed to do things for yourself
She opens the alcohol
She drinks it
It's not a disease
It's a choice
It's quite offensive calling it a disease to people who really have a physical disease and can't make choices like she can.
You've done so much for her
You are allowed to do things for yourself
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Nolagirl---
I hope you can find a good AlAnon meeting to attend regularly....I tried quite a few different ones till I felt a good "match." Those voices of relatives criticizing you can be very hard to take...as if we don;t feel bad enough already having endured all the pain and drama we endure with our alcoholic loved ones... I think my only response to critical relatives would be "You must have no idea what this has been like, and very little education about alcoholism!"
Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease - as much to the alcoholic as to the people around the alcoholic. You're doing the right thing by protecting yourself first and focusing on your own mental health.
stick around - you're not alone!
peace-
b
I hope you can find a good AlAnon meeting to attend regularly....I tried quite a few different ones till I felt a good "match." Those voices of relatives criticizing you can be very hard to take...as if we don;t feel bad enough already having endured all the pain and drama we endure with our alcoholic loved ones... I think my only response to critical relatives would be "You must have no idea what this has been like, and very little education about alcoholism!"
Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease - as much to the alcoholic as to the people around the alcoholic. You're doing the right thing by protecting yourself first and focusing on your own mental health.
stick around - you're not alone!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
((Hugs))
This must be very difficult for you, I admire your resolve in doing absolutely the best for yourself. What you needed to do. Those relatives that are berating you can provide whatever practical and emotional support they seem to be asking from you, if they deem it that necessary, no person owes a debt that will compromise their sanity and emotional well-being to another, especially not a child to a parent.
Your choice to exercise your right to detach from her is a consequence of her continued choice to drink, not of your selfishness, I am so sorry you are going through this, the personal attacks on top of the sadness at your mother's deterioration must be an intense blow.
As to the disease/not a disease thing, which is often hotly debated, I don't think about it much now (although I did, a lot)
I do think about what responsibility I bear to myself.
If a person had frostbite that would lead to them losing their feet, but refused to believe it, ignored medical advice about it, and kept dragging themselves outside into the snow with no clothes on and at the same time expected me to carry them around the house, listen to their shouting at me because of their bad luck in life and screams of pain, would I have to stay for that?
no.
If I had a relative who suffered from paranoid delusions that resulted in intrusive thoughts so that they believed their doctors were lying to them and their medication was poison, and they wanted me to live with them in their crazy world, should I stay or should I leave them to the care of the professionals?
It would be hard to make that separation, to own that decision, to accept that I cannot cope with staying around, but in the end I bear the responsibility for my own well-being FIRST.
I am prone to crippling anxiety and depression,
Are these diseases?
For me this requires daily vigilance, learning coping techniques and strategies & on occasion taking medication. There have been times when I have to manage intrusive thoughts bombarding me from within constantly round the clock. If I decide that I am no longer going to take my medication, that I am going to stop doing the things and practicing the (sometimes painful) self-care that I need to help keep this at bay, and continue down a path that in all likelihood will lead to unbearable pain and despair and the terminal consequences of that, does anyone else have to make themselves a slave and a witness to my self-destruction?
No: I get to own the decision to tread that path all on my own, and there is no point dragging any one under with me.
This must be very difficult for you, I admire your resolve in doing absolutely the best for yourself. What you needed to do. Those relatives that are berating you can provide whatever practical and emotional support they seem to be asking from you, if they deem it that necessary, no person owes a debt that will compromise their sanity and emotional well-being to another, especially not a child to a parent.
Your choice to exercise your right to detach from her is a consequence of her continued choice to drink, not of your selfishness, I am so sorry you are going through this, the personal attacks on top of the sadness at your mother's deterioration must be an intense blow.
As to the disease/not a disease thing, which is often hotly debated, I don't think about it much now (although I did, a lot)
I do think about what responsibility I bear to myself.
If a person had frostbite that would lead to them losing their feet, but refused to believe it, ignored medical advice about it, and kept dragging themselves outside into the snow with no clothes on and at the same time expected me to carry them around the house, listen to their shouting at me because of their bad luck in life and screams of pain, would I have to stay for that?
no.
If I had a relative who suffered from paranoid delusions that resulted in intrusive thoughts so that they believed their doctors were lying to them and their medication was poison, and they wanted me to live with them in their crazy world, should I stay or should I leave them to the care of the professionals?
It would be hard to make that separation, to own that decision, to accept that I cannot cope with staying around, but in the end I bear the responsibility for my own well-being FIRST.
I am prone to crippling anxiety and depression,
Are these diseases?
For me this requires daily vigilance, learning coping techniques and strategies & on occasion taking medication. There have been times when I have to manage intrusive thoughts bombarding me from within constantly round the clock. If I decide that I am no longer going to take my medication, that I am going to stop doing the things and practicing the (sometimes painful) self-care that I need to help keep this at bay, and continue down a path that in all likelihood will lead to unbearable pain and despair and the terminal consequences of that, does anyone else have to make themselves a slave and a witness to my self-destruction?
No: I get to own the decision to tread that path all on my own, and there is no point dragging any one under with me.
Last edited by JenT1968; 12-04-2009 at 06:17 AM. Reason: it's not that I don't know the rules of spelling and grammar, it's more that my fingers are willfully disobedient
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 65
I can identify so well, only it is not my parent but my husband, and he isn't dying ... yet. But the ship is definitely sinking...like the TITANIC...and I definitely have no problem reaching for something to help me stay afloat...
This is exactly what I needed today...I feel my prayer was answered because I asked for hope and strength. Feeling so overwhelmed and just not knowing where or how to begin to rebuild my life somehow I ended up here! Powerlessness... Thanks all.
With love and appreciation. D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Thought provoking question.
I have a hairpulling OCD, and I can't control it-- trichotillomania, for those with medical dictionaries handy. I can take drugs that make it go away, but no amount of willpower can stop my symptoms (not coincidentally, the medication I use is sometimes prescribed to treat alcoholism). Trichotillomania may look voluntary, but it's not. I can stop for a little while, that's it. Only people who have this disorder can really understand how deep the need to do this bizarre thing goes, and I bet every one of us has had a well meaning friend or loved one ask: "Why don't you just quit?" If we could, we would.
My former husband's drinking had the same kind of driven feel to it. It definitely does something for him that it doesn't for me.
That said, though, even if he can't control his drinking, I do think he can control whether or not he tells the truth... and to date, he's chosen not to. I didn't throw him out because of drinking, but because of lying.
I have a hairpulling OCD, and I can't control it-- trichotillomania, for those with medical dictionaries handy. I can take drugs that make it go away, but no amount of willpower can stop my symptoms (not coincidentally, the medication I use is sometimes prescribed to treat alcoholism). Trichotillomania may look voluntary, but it's not. I can stop for a little while, that's it. Only people who have this disorder can really understand how deep the need to do this bizarre thing goes, and I bet every one of us has had a well meaning friend or loved one ask: "Why don't you just quit?" If we could, we would.
My former husband's drinking had the same kind of driven feel to it. It definitely does something for him that it doesn't for me.
That said, though, even if he can't control his drinking, I do think he can control whether or not he tells the truth... and to date, he's chosen not to. I didn't throw him out because of drinking, but because of lying.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by dgillz
The American Medical Association calls it a disease.
I didn't have the desire to sit in a front row seat and watch my ex wife drink herself to death. I see that as an individual choice I made because it was the healthy choice for me.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it just plain sucks. I hope you seek out and find the support you need to get through this difficult time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 51
I have gone through and read every person's reply, more than once. I just want to thank everyone for sharing their thoughts with me. I don't really have the words to articulate how meaningful and comforting your words have been. A lot of what people mentioned are thoughts that have been on my own mind. I know it is so important that I take care of myself and learn to cope; I do not want this situation to influence the rest of my life. I have carried this burden of watching my mother slowly commit "suicide", and despite every effort on my part to try to give her a choice to get better, she has chosen to continue her downward spiral. The helplessness I feel at this makes me ill inside. I know I am not to blame or should be responsible for her actions, but sometimes I feel so alone dealing with this. It's a huge relief to have people that can relate with what I am going through. Although in the same right, I am sorry to know that any person would have to suffer such a painful experience.
Anyway, thank you for your replies; I am always grateful.
Anyway, thank you for your replies; I am always grateful.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I would like to suggest something to you, NOLAgirl.
If you have the daily meditation book "Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie,
turn to the reading for Feb. 12th. It speaks of YOU taking hold of the power that is yours, and walking toward truth and light. You may leave others that you love behind on your journey and you can try and encourage them to come forward, but they get to decide if and when they will do so.
If you don't have this little book, I highly recommend it. It is the best tangible recovery tool I have held in my hands.
I personally was helped when I considered the notion of alcoholism as a disease. Born with it? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe, if given the right circumstances, you acquire it, like cancer and diet.
It is so tough feeling alone when your family continue to live the lie, and to protect the system they have come to know and understand. You can stand in truth. And not be ashamed to do so.
If you have the daily meditation book "Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie,
turn to the reading for Feb. 12th. It speaks of YOU taking hold of the power that is yours, and walking toward truth and light. You may leave others that you love behind on your journey and you can try and encourage them to come forward, but they get to decide if and when they will do so.
If you don't have this little book, I highly recommend it. It is the best tangible recovery tool I have held in my hands.
I personally was helped when I considered the notion of alcoholism as a disease. Born with it? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe, if given the right circumstances, you acquire it, like cancer and diet.
It is so tough feeling alone when your family continue to live the lie, and to protect the system they have come to know and understand. You can stand in truth. And not be ashamed to do so.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4
NOLAgirl - your post (and the responses) touched a major chord with me. Like you, I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother who is having to face the fact that my mother has chosen the bottle over her life, her health, her family. I have had a crash course in this disease over the past 3 or so years. I believe it's a disease - but not inevitable. Many diseases can be managed to enhance one's quality of life - heart disease, cancer, diabetes are all examples where how one manages their own body. I would put alcoholism in the same category.
I am most sorry - and sending you big hugs - that this is happening to you at this time of year, and that you do not have a supportive family for you. Cynic that I am, I believe there's something to the school of 'She's your mom, it's your job to take care of her - so I won't have to.' The painful truth is that it's not your job, or theirs - it's hers. It sounds as if you have done everything you can for her, but no - you are not expected to sacrifice your life for hers.
The shoulds in my life come in the form of social workers and police - we're concerned about her, maybe you could check in on her. No, I'm 50 miles away, working as the only breadwinner in my family at the present time, and I can't. I can't stop her from drinking, sober her up, make her eat, or fill the void of unhappiness that's a central component to this. That's not being an uncaring or insensitive daughter - that's being the best me I can be.
I told mom in May that I was going to be her biggest cheerleader and fan once she made the decision to embrace sobriety and work a recovery program, but not before. I'm done - after 3 years, countless calls from my cell phone at odd hours because I am not doing this in an open area, trips to the hospital, consults with social workers that never went anywhere...my time is no longer hers to waste.
And unless she makes those changes, that's all that's going to happen. You deserve so much better.
I am most sorry - and sending you big hugs - that this is happening to you at this time of year, and that you do not have a supportive family for you. Cynic that I am, I believe there's something to the school of 'She's your mom, it's your job to take care of her - so I won't have to.' The painful truth is that it's not your job, or theirs - it's hers. It sounds as if you have done everything you can for her, but no - you are not expected to sacrifice your life for hers.
The shoulds in my life come in the form of social workers and police - we're concerned about her, maybe you could check in on her. No, I'm 50 miles away, working as the only breadwinner in my family at the present time, and I can't. I can't stop her from drinking, sober her up, make her eat, or fill the void of unhappiness that's a central component to this. That's not being an uncaring or insensitive daughter - that's being the best me I can be.
I told mom in May that I was going to be her biggest cheerleader and fan once she made the decision to embrace sobriety and work a recovery program, but not before. I'm done - after 3 years, countless calls from my cell phone at odd hours because I am not doing this in an open area, trips to the hospital, consults with social workers that never went anywhere...my time is no longer hers to waste.
And unless she makes those changes, that's all that's going to happen. You deserve so much better.
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