This is it; my do you want to break up letter
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Location: WI
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This is it; my do you want to break up letter
I'm going on a limb of vulnerability here. My husband blocks conversation in areas that are most important to me, thus why I have a letter here. I don't have a job (I'm a full-time student currently), but this is where I'm at. I'm going to give this to him tomorrow. I would like to know if you see anything codie in here. I'm not thinking so but it's been years since I've been to al-anon although I will be back the end of this semester. I know it's lengthy; don't know if I'll ever become a *brief* speaker. Especially on this topic(s).
Dear AH,
I love you and I need you to believe I am not out to get you if we are to grow together as a couple.
You brought up (while drinking) that I “attacked you” yesterday am.
When you said this, were you attacking me? I would say definitely not. You said it respectfully, and like every day conversation. Yet I treated you the same way yesterday am; not even as direct as you were in that I compared how you felt about your mom to how I felt the previous day in the way you were speaking to me about the outdoor lights.
I need you to speak to me sober and to stop acting like you are incapable of that since for me our marriage is over if we cannot work through this. It seems you will have to trust me and stop thinking the worst of my trying to work with you on what I see as intolerable behavior (this very subject). I am not saying you mean to treat me this way. I am saying, if you are incapable of seeing what I am writing even in this note, I need you to seek help from an outside source such as a counselor who is trained in addiction. I’ve also learned that we will go around in circles if we don’t try to treat both areas (communication and addiction) (such as our experience with *** ***** since he is not trained in addiction although he said he has experience with it). If you want me to go with, I will go, if it’s a person trained in addiction. I at least need to see you get some form of counsel to stop drinking, at least for a time (like 90 days) before you would even attempt to control drinking again. At that, I would require outside help if your intention is to drink ever again. Further, you may need detox. I am seeing anger in your facial expression, let alone your actions when you haven’t drank. Of course, I prefer that you haven’t drank, but I need you to deal with that anger as well and *not* through your family.
The alcoholics anonymous saying that applies to me is (1) I did not cause it; so much for your blame, right? (if you find something other than yourself is the reason you drink). (2) I cannot cure it; I need you to seek outside help. There is extremely unhealthy behavior going on in our communication that I believe with an open mind we both can grow through no matter who is doing what. Experts say alcoholism is a progressive disease; that is what I see in your actions (the progression); it’s scary for me. The other part to the saying is (3) I cannot control it. I saved it for last as I’m sure it could be said that this note here is my attempt to control you. I know for me it is my attempt to save our marriage. It is not control because I am willing to accept any outcome (we work together, I stay; we don’t work together, it’s over).
I want to be married to you, and to grow old with you. I don’t think these actions above are the person I married although I suspect that maybe you’ve dealt with depression or hearing things as an attack that are not, or something else. Maybe it’s simply you have the alcoholic gene and we are dealing with the behaviors of alcoholism. I need you to be willing to explore this.
I love you. I’ve learned though, you have to want to change for you or this will continue to go around in circles (my perspective of the last six years [at least]). I need to separate from you if you don’t want to work with me. I do mean that if separation takes us nowhere, then I intend to divorce you (seek annulment which I am completely ignorant of) and we will have to sell this property that I suspect is very dear to you. Yet, what I wrote here is the best I can do. I believe this is love (keeping you free to do whatever you want no matter how destructive I see it). I will always love you, although I realize it may have to be as a brother and not a wife. Your actions eat me up in some ways as they bother me that much. They could tear me apart, but I will not let them; and that does mean separation and possibly divorce. I hate this, I love you. Do we proceed together or apart? I need to know your decision.
Dear AH,
I love you and I need you to believe I am not out to get you if we are to grow together as a couple.
You brought up (while drinking) that I “attacked you” yesterday am.
When you said this, were you attacking me? I would say definitely not. You said it respectfully, and like every day conversation. Yet I treated you the same way yesterday am; not even as direct as you were in that I compared how you felt about your mom to how I felt the previous day in the way you were speaking to me about the outdoor lights.
I need you to speak to me sober and to stop acting like you are incapable of that since for me our marriage is over if we cannot work through this. It seems you will have to trust me and stop thinking the worst of my trying to work with you on what I see as intolerable behavior (this very subject). I am not saying you mean to treat me this way. I am saying, if you are incapable of seeing what I am writing even in this note, I need you to seek help from an outside source such as a counselor who is trained in addiction. I’ve also learned that we will go around in circles if we don’t try to treat both areas (communication and addiction) (such as our experience with *** ***** since he is not trained in addiction although he said he has experience with it). If you want me to go with, I will go, if it’s a person trained in addiction. I at least need to see you get some form of counsel to stop drinking, at least for a time (like 90 days) before you would even attempt to control drinking again. At that, I would require outside help if your intention is to drink ever again. Further, you may need detox. I am seeing anger in your facial expression, let alone your actions when you haven’t drank. Of course, I prefer that you haven’t drank, but I need you to deal with that anger as well and *not* through your family.
The alcoholics anonymous saying that applies to me is (1) I did not cause it; so much for your blame, right? (if you find something other than yourself is the reason you drink). (2) I cannot cure it; I need you to seek outside help. There is extremely unhealthy behavior going on in our communication that I believe with an open mind we both can grow through no matter who is doing what. Experts say alcoholism is a progressive disease; that is what I see in your actions (the progression); it’s scary for me. The other part to the saying is (3) I cannot control it. I saved it for last as I’m sure it could be said that this note here is my attempt to control you. I know for me it is my attempt to save our marriage. It is not control because I am willing to accept any outcome (we work together, I stay; we don’t work together, it’s over).
I want to be married to you, and to grow old with you. I don’t think these actions above are the person I married although I suspect that maybe you’ve dealt with depression or hearing things as an attack that are not, or something else. Maybe it’s simply you have the alcoholic gene and we are dealing with the behaviors of alcoholism. I need you to be willing to explore this.
I love you. I’ve learned though, you have to want to change for you or this will continue to go around in circles (my perspective of the last six years [at least]). I need to separate from you if you don’t want to work with me. I do mean that if separation takes us nowhere, then I intend to divorce you (seek annulment which I am completely ignorant of) and we will have to sell this property that I suspect is very dear to you. Yet, what I wrote here is the best I can do. I believe this is love (keeping you free to do whatever you want no matter how destructive I see it). I will always love you, although I realize it may have to be as a brother and not a wife. Your actions eat me up in some ways as they bother me that much. They could tear me apart, but I will not let them; and that does mean separation and possibly divorce. I hate this, I love you. Do we proceed together or apart? I need to know your decision.
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Um, I am no expert on being a codie, but why is this not a "I am leaving you" letter?
Other red flag I see is the "at least 90 days before you attempt to control it".
And as a point of clarification, the 3 Cs are Alanon, not AA.
Good luck, I am sure others with a lot better experience than I will be along.
Other red flag I see is the "at least 90 days before you attempt to control it".
And as a point of clarification, the 3 Cs are Alanon, not AA.
Good luck, I am sure others with a lot better experience than I will be along.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Honestly, if I gave STBXAH a letter like this when we were together, he would have hit the roof and then used it for ammunition to hurt me later.
This letter is all about what you want him to do. You want him to change, you want him to stop drinking, you want him to trust you, you want him to get counselling etc etc. I personally read a lot of blame and judgement here and I expect he'll see the same.
Are you willing to follow through? Are you ready to leave? What do you expect him to do after getting a letter like this? What is your motivation in giving him this letter? Is this another attepmt to change him/control him? I know that, for me, all my attempts to change/control STBXAH ended in disaster.
I wouldn't give him this - but it is entirely your decision. There have been many threads about giving letters like this in this forum before - maybe you could have a look back at them and see if they give you inspiration?
This letter is all about what you want him to do. You want him to change, you want him to stop drinking, you want him to trust you, you want him to get counselling etc etc. I personally read a lot of blame and judgement here and I expect he'll see the same.
Are you willing to follow through? Are you ready to leave? What do you expect him to do after getting a letter like this? What is your motivation in giving him this letter? Is this another attepmt to change him/control him? I know that, for me, all my attempts to change/control STBXAH ended in disaster.
I wouldn't give him this - but it is entirely your decision. There have been many threads about giving letters like this in this forum before - maybe you could have a look back at them and see if they give you inspiration?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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I have to agree with bookwyrm. The letter sounds to me like you have hopes that reading it will suddenly make a light go off and he'll realize what a fool he's been and throw himself into recovery. This isn't meant to sound mean, but it doesn't sound to me like you've really made up your mind to take care of YOU. You are still giving him the option. You are still letting HIM decide what YOU will do. Your decisions about what YOU will do need to be set in concrete regardless of what HE says. Giving him a letter like this only gives him control of the situation, and therefore, control of YOU.
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
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I agree with sukki. A letter like this helps only one person.....ourselves. I can't even remember how many of these I wrote. It did help, don't get me wrong. But it only helped for a little while, maybe a day or two at most. But then it's just like bookwrm said--it almost always backfires later on.
Hang on to this letter though. Tuck it away somewhere close to you and next time you're not sure how you're feeling about a situation, pull it out and re-read it to remind yourself of the struggles you've faced before. It might help give you what you need to make a decision at the moment you're struggling with.
I didn't cause it, I cannot cure it, I cannot control it.......translates into absolutely nothing I could ever say or do will make any difference to A's choices.
Hang on to this letter though. Tuck it away somewhere close to you and next time you're not sure how you're feeling about a situation, pull it out and re-read it to remind yourself of the struggles you've faced before. It might help give you what you need to make a decision at the moment you're struggling with.
I didn't cause it, I cannot cure it, I cannot control it.......translates into absolutely nothing I could ever say or do will make any difference to A's choices.
Last edited by kv816; 12-04-2009 at 08:58 AM.
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I can only give you my experience, the experience of other's may vary
I wrote a letter full of my hurt and raw emotion, how I felt when x, y, z happened, when he drank and lied etc, what I needed in order for us to stay together, I wrote it down because when I tried to talk the conversation became an argument, I was trying to be careful with my words.
H read it and was devastated and contrite, full of deep thoughts and we had a painful but cleansing talk and held each other, I was shaking before I gave him that letter, he told me how difficult it was for him to hear those things about himself, he acknowledged my pain, I was so relieved, on a high, all that worry and pain was transformed into an equally intense free feeling, we had connected on such a deep level, really conversed, it was going to be difficult, but we'd make it out. He said that we would work out how to take this from here, he really understood how much his drinking had affected both me and our child, how it couldn't carry on this way, he took responsibility for his drinking, he opened a beer.....
......ooookaaaay....
so, he needed time to process the letter, he drank more, he got really angry about bits of the letter.....twisted my words, rambled, I got confused, he slung accusations, I raged back.
that was years ago, we repeated this in various forms over and over, his "insight" was one of the approaches he used to shut me up, there were others. I used this process to turn the intense pain I was feeling into an equally intense high, flooded myself with endorphins from the relief,
I never followed through with my written/stated consequences, we were locked in a battle trying to change each other. I needed him to stop drinking like an alcoholic, he needed me to stop noticing that he drank like an alcoholic.
He never chnaged, I have finally left.
I hope your experience is different.
I wrote a letter full of my hurt and raw emotion, how I felt when x, y, z happened, when he drank and lied etc, what I needed in order for us to stay together, I wrote it down because when I tried to talk the conversation became an argument, I was trying to be careful with my words.
H read it and was devastated and contrite, full of deep thoughts and we had a painful but cleansing talk and held each other, I was shaking before I gave him that letter, he told me how difficult it was for him to hear those things about himself, he acknowledged my pain, I was so relieved, on a high, all that worry and pain was transformed into an equally intense free feeling, we had connected on such a deep level, really conversed, it was going to be difficult, but we'd make it out. He said that we would work out how to take this from here, he really understood how much his drinking had affected both me and our child, how it couldn't carry on this way, he took responsibility for his drinking, he opened a beer.....
......ooookaaaay....
so, he needed time to process the letter, he drank more, he got really angry about bits of the letter.....twisted my words, rambled, I got confused, he slung accusations, I raged back.
that was years ago, we repeated this in various forms over and over, his "insight" was one of the approaches he used to shut me up, there were others. I used this process to turn the intense pain I was feeling into an equally intense high, flooded myself with endorphins from the relief,
I never followed through with my written/stated consequences, we were locked in a battle trying to change each other. I needed him to stop drinking like an alcoholic, he needed me to stop noticing that he drank like an alcoholic.
He never chnaged, I have finally left.
I hope your experience is different.
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Personally, the words "I need you to ...." repeated over and over again in the letter appear to be your attempt at control. If you take the word "you" out of there, what kind of letter will you write?
"I need ... " " I need to.." without you telling him what HE needs to do for YOU.
Perhaps if you try to re-write it from the perspective of your needs and boundaries rather than your ultimatums for him, you will see a different story. Or you will realize that the letter might not be worth giving..
My AH and I have had a lot of deep talks and I've written many letters and he usually would say I agree, we do need to work hard, if we work hard we can have anything, etc etc.. but actions speak louder than words, and his actions show me that he can talk a big game but his follow through is nil. If he tells you he WILL do these things but then doesn't.. then what will you do?
"I need ... " " I need to.." without you telling him what HE needs to do for YOU.
Perhaps if you try to re-write it from the perspective of your needs and boundaries rather than your ultimatums for him, you will see a different story. Or you will realize that the letter might not be worth giving..
My AH and I have had a lot of deep talks and I've written many letters and he usually would say I agree, we do need to work hard, if we work hard we can have anything, etc etc.. but actions speak louder than words, and his actions show me that he can talk a big game but his follow through is nil. If he tells you he WILL do these things but then doesn't.. then what will you do?
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I found a similar, albeit way harsher, letter I'd written years ago just yesterday in a closet. The aftereffects were similar to Jen's. He verbally agreed with me wholeheartedly. His actions, however; remained the same. Seeing that letter reminded me of how much life sucked at that time.
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I found that letters never worked to fix the situation.
I know how much I wanted to express how the alcoholism was hurting me and how much it hurt to watch someone I love destroy their life when they had so much.
I remember the trying to be healthy in telling him what I wanted and needed. It always seemed that the letters either blew up in my face or were temporary if he agreed. Just like trying to talk and have a conversation, frustrating.
I have made a decision to instead tell myself what I want and need, if it includes AH, great...but it likely won't. I have to take care and protect myself. There isn't any letter, yelling, shaking or threat this dragon is affected by in my experience. For me I will hold my self up with the help of my HP knowing I did what I could...I did not fail, I am crawling up out of the hole.
I know how much I wanted to express how the alcoholism was hurting me and how much it hurt to watch someone I love destroy their life when they had so much.
I remember the trying to be healthy in telling him what I wanted and needed. It always seemed that the letters either blew up in my face or were temporary if he agreed. Just like trying to talk and have a conversation, frustrating.
I have made a decision to instead tell myself what I want and need, if it includes AH, great...but it likely won't. I have to take care and protect myself. There isn't any letter, yelling, shaking or threat this dragon is affected by in my experience. For me I will hold my self up with the help of my HP knowing I did what I could...I did not fail, I am crawling up out of the hole.
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I would like to know if you see anything codie in here.
The "codie" part is only if you are thinking this will make any kind of actual difference to him or in his behavior towards you.
It sounds like a reasonable and well thought out letter. But you are giving it to an active alcoholic! Reason will be twisted, good intentions misconstrued and offense eventually taken!
If you just need to get this off your chest etc, then fire away. But you cannot predict the response, only that statistics show (as evidenced above) that it could receive zero response or it could become a treasure trove of stuff he can use against you. It seems many have tried this approach in an attempt to change the other person. And I don't hear anyone succeed. So be prepared.
I sent so many letters to my Abrothers over the years...they would often spark outpourings of intention to change. Nothing changed.
So 24 - what are your expectations? Are they healthy? Or are they consistent with all we know about the bad habits of mind of alcoholics and codependents?
Take care....
peace-
b
The "codie" part is only if you are thinking this will make any kind of actual difference to him or in his behavior towards you.
It sounds like a reasonable and well thought out letter. But you are giving it to an active alcoholic! Reason will be twisted, good intentions misconstrued and offense eventually taken!
If you just need to get this off your chest etc, then fire away. But you cannot predict the response, only that statistics show (as evidenced above) that it could receive zero response or it could become a treasure trove of stuff he can use against you. It seems many have tried this approach in an attempt to change the other person. And I don't hear anyone succeed. So be prepared.
I sent so many letters to my Abrothers over the years...they would often spark outpourings of intention to change. Nothing changed.
So 24 - what are your expectations? Are they healthy? Or are they consistent with all we know about the bad habits of mind of alcoholics and codependents?
Take care....
peace-
b
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Dgillz, it is not an “I am leaving you” letter because I am not in a position to leave just yet. I need to get a job first. That may sound crazy but being around him lately has been crazy and I will leave as soon as I find that job (and finish this semester which is 10 days away). I am wanting him to know what the future holds because I do mean it. I sense this could (will) make him more angry which I am not trying to do but at the same time he is not new to hearing me speak this way (we’ve been married 24 years).
Bookwyrm, I appreciate your pointing out the blame and judgment perspective.
Suki44883, I also appreciate your comments. I meant to convey that I have boundaries although I recognize I never worded them that way. I have given him boundaries in the past. I am wanting him to look at his behaviors as I find them intolerable while at the same time I’m between a rock and a hard place because I also need to get a job which I know I will do.
Kv816: Please explain why nothing I ever say or do will make a difference to AH choices? I know I’m dealing with addiction, is that why you make that statement? Can’t this usually be expected in a marriage (where addiction is not involved) or do you think I had that wrong all along? From the best I can know, we have not always had addiction in our marriage.
JenT1968: I appreciate your comments…I’m not counting on it being different, it does appear slim to none. I think this is what I am experiencing “I needed him to stop drinking like an alcoholic, he needed me to stop noticing that he drank like an alcoholic.”
Honoryourself: Thanks. I make sense of what you wrote. To answer your question, I will leave. This is not a threat. I will try your suggestion and take the word you out.
Thanks GrowingPains. These comments have been tremendously helpful. Phew. All of your support is uplifting.
Bookwyrm, I appreciate your pointing out the blame and judgment perspective.
Suki44883, I also appreciate your comments. I meant to convey that I have boundaries although I recognize I never worded them that way. I have given him boundaries in the past. I am wanting him to look at his behaviors as I find them intolerable while at the same time I’m between a rock and a hard place because I also need to get a job which I know I will do.
Kv816: Please explain why nothing I ever say or do will make a difference to AH choices? I know I’m dealing with addiction, is that why you make that statement? Can’t this usually be expected in a marriage (where addiction is not involved) or do you think I had that wrong all along? From the best I can know, we have not always had addiction in our marriage.
JenT1968: I appreciate your comments…I’m not counting on it being different, it does appear slim to none. I think this is what I am experiencing “I needed him to stop drinking like an alcoholic, he needed me to stop noticing that he drank like an alcoholic.”
Honoryourself: Thanks. I make sense of what you wrote. To answer your question, I will leave. This is not a threat. I will try your suggestion and take the word you out.
Thanks GrowingPains. These comments have been tremendously helpful. Phew. All of your support is uplifting.
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Pray4Joy/Bernadette: Thanks for your perspectives. I'm getting a fuller understanding of alcoholism.
I will be surprised if my spouse is willing to give up our property sad as that may sound (property more of a bottom than his family). We have 120 acres that he hunts on (turkey, duck, deer, etc.) followed by 120 acres behind it owned by the Department of Natural Resources, followed by a lake. I don't think he would even know where to buy something quite like this in the area we live in. I could be totally wrong, I am thinking this could be his bottom because he is an avid outdoorsman. I wouldn't mind if my only result was he lightened up on the drinking for a time since I will be moving out once I get a job if he doesn't give it up.
I will be surprised if my spouse is willing to give up our property sad as that may sound (property more of a bottom than his family). We have 120 acres that he hunts on (turkey, duck, deer, etc.) followed by 120 acres behind it owned by the Department of Natural Resources, followed by a lake. I don't think he would even know where to buy something quite like this in the area we live in. I could be totally wrong, I am thinking this could be his bottom because he is an avid outdoorsman. I wouldn't mind if my only result was he lightened up on the drinking for a time since I will be moving out once I get a job if he doesn't give it up.
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Originally Posted by 24Years 
Dgillz, I have given him boundaries in the past.
What behaviors are acceptable to happen around/to you? If those behaviors happen/do not happen, what will YOU do for you?
That's the power we get. Choose to accept it or not accept it and take action.
It's all you.
Hugs.
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Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
I am beginning to learn (and how painful and awkward and unbelievable the lesson is) that boundaries are not something you CAN "give" to another. They are something you set for yourself.
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Originally Posted by honoryourself
Personally, the words "I need you to ...." repeated over and over again in the letter appear to be your attempt at control. If you take the word "you" out of there, what kind of letter will you write?
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Originally Posted by 24Years
Well, I tried taking the word you out and the letter doesn't make any sense other than to say what I will do.
He will do whatever he will do, regardless of how many "I need you to's" you give him. AND, from my experience, he may do what you want, only to resent you for it and be even more miserable to live with than he was before.
The ONLY person you can control is you. Period.
L
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
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Originally Posted by 24Years
[
Kv816: Please explain why nothing I ever say or do will make a difference to AH choices? I know I’m dealing with addiction, is that why you make that statement? Can’t this usually be expected in a marriage (where addiction is not involved) or do you think I had that wrong all along? From the best I can know, we have not always had addiction in our marriage.
Kv816: Please explain why nothing I ever say or do will make a difference to AH choices? I know I’m dealing with addiction, is that why you make that statement? Can’t this usually be expected in a marriage (where addiction is not involved) or do you think I had that wrong all along? From the best I can know, we have not always had addiction in our marriage.
It took forever but eventually I learned I couldn't stop his drinking. But I heard SOO many stories of the A hitting rock bottom when things were lost...job, money, spouse, kids, etc. Lightbulb moment!! I'll leave, he'll hit rock bottom and quit!!
He did too! EVERY SINGLE TIME! So I'd go back to him. Life would get back in order and he'd pop a top just to relax (cause he could control it now).
I've had no contact for a month now. He hit rock bottom, again. His sisters came over telling me how miserable and sick he had become. This morning one called me for a question on getting something for her baby and she made the comment that he grabbed a few beers at 9 this morning and went down to drink at the creek. It's 37 degrees today.
Fact is, as much as he wants me and the kids back in his life....he wants his beer first and foremost. The twelve thousand and one letters just like this one that I had given him over a two year time frame made absolutely no difference in the long run. Because it's HIS life and HIS choices. Because I am absolutely powerless over the alcohol, over his drinking.
I know it's hard and if I could give you a hug I really, truly would.
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Originally Posted by 24Years
Well, I tried taking the word you out and the letter doesn't make any sense other than to say what I will do. I am doing plenty to take care of myself. I am meaning to give him a choice. I don't feel less empowered in giving him the choice to say he is willing to make a change or not. His best friend reached his bottom when he was angry at an employee and had beat him up. I don't know what my AH's bottom is; I am not trying to find it. I am letting him know what I can accept/not accept. It seems to me it isn't hurting our relationship (currently zero) by giving him the ways I can continue in our marriage.
It's a bit different from saying "I need you to do this" sort of things.
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this process is so hard and I just want to commend you for honoring all of us with sharing your struggles. I have that letter, too. In my drafts folder in my inbox. it doesn't get sent. It helps me to figure out what I like/don't like.
We, as the partners of alcholics, tend to ride along and react. We don't tend to take responsibility for ourselves, but attempt to control others. You may or may not feel you are like that.
Your title is "do you want to break up" letter.
If he wanted to break up, he would. You don't need to give him a letter for that. He can figure it out.
The question is, do YOU want to break up?
Again, you don't need a letter. You need to look at his actions (not words) and see if he is or is not doing the things you have decided you will accept or not accept. If you want to tell him what your minimum qualifications are (like in a husband job description), you can and that you will leave if he doesn't meet them. But the intent of communicating that would be for you to communicate, not for him to change or make a choice or DO ANYTHING.
That's it. It sounds so cold, doesn't it? I am right there with you. I write and rewrite my letter and think about how much I love him and how I wish he would change, but I can't control him. <sigh> As much as I wish I could.
If I am REALLY NICE, then can I control him?
If he is out of control, THEN can I control him?
If he tries to control me, then can I control him?
If I would do a good job, then can I control him?
If he's an A$$, then can I control him?
If he really needs it , then can I control him?
If he may kill himself with drink, then can I control him?
If he's being a stupid idiot, then can I control him?
If I do it so HE thinks he is controlling himself, then can I control him?
If getting him to go to rehab would save him and our marriage, then can I control him?
If he doesn't change and he breaks my heart for good and I feel like I may die of grief and loss for everything beautiful he will throw away, and so, for my own sanity, I decide that I have to leave him and our marriage and our hope and our future and my identity and EVERYTHING...then is that (for GOD's SAKE) a good enough reason to control him???
That's what I feel like. On and on and on. And the answer to me is still NO.
Good luck and hugs to you.
We, as the partners of alcholics, tend to ride along and react. We don't tend to take responsibility for ourselves, but attempt to control others. You may or may not feel you are like that.
Your title is "do you want to break up" letter.
If he wanted to break up, he would. You don't need to give him a letter for that. He can figure it out.
The question is, do YOU want to break up?
Again, you don't need a letter. You need to look at his actions (not words) and see if he is or is not doing the things you have decided you will accept or not accept. If you want to tell him what your minimum qualifications are (like in a husband job description), you can and that you will leave if he doesn't meet them. But the intent of communicating that would be for you to communicate, not for him to change or make a choice or DO ANYTHING.
That's it. It sounds so cold, doesn't it? I am right there with you. I write and rewrite my letter and think about how much I love him and how I wish he would change, but I can't control him. <sigh> As much as I wish I could.
If I am REALLY NICE, then can I control him?
If he is out of control, THEN can I control him?
If he tries to control me, then can I control him?
If I would do a good job, then can I control him?
If he's an A$$, then can I control him?
If he really needs it , then can I control him?
If he may kill himself with drink, then can I control him?
If he's being a stupid idiot, then can I control him?
If I do it so HE thinks he is controlling himself, then can I control him?
If getting him to go to rehab would save him and our marriage, then can I control him?
If he doesn't change and he breaks my heart for good and I feel like I may die of grief and loss for everything beautiful he will throw away, and so, for my own sanity, I decide that I have to leave him and our marriage and our hope and our future and my identity and EVERYTHING...then is that (for GOD's SAKE) a good enough reason to control him???
That's what I feel like. On and on and on. And the answer to me is still NO.
Good luck and hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I will not live with someone in active addiction/alcoholism is a boundary.
Boundaries let go of the outcome.
If this is not a convenient time to establish your own boundaries, why not wait until you are in a position to do so, at semester end, once you are employed.
As an aside, I am a real estate agent. Working a divorce sale is one of the most challenging transactions. In most cases, there is one party who does not want to sell. It's too easy to discourage potential buyers, especially in today's market. If and when it becomes necessary, it is almost always better for one party to buy out the other party, if it is financially possible to do so with cash or a new mortgage.
Boundaries let go of the outcome.
If this is not a convenient time to establish your own boundaries, why not wait until you are in a position to do so, at semester end, once you are employed.
As an aside, I am a real estate agent. Working a divorce sale is one of the most challenging transactions. In most cases, there is one party who does not want to sell. It's too easy to discourage potential buyers, especially in today's market. If and when it becomes necessary, it is almost always better for one party to buy out the other party, if it is financially possible to do so with cash or a new mortgage.
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