Kjell

I’m currently on step 1 (again). I have, what I consider, a fairly deep bottom. In the last 2 years or so, I lost girlfriend, got fired, had to move, got a dui and totaled my car, still drank, then sort of stopped, got involved in AA, got a little time underneath me, then drank, got another dui and totaled another car, and now here I am. I have a new sponsor and we are working the steps and reading the book. I’m doing 90 in 90.

I’m scarred to death to drink. I don’t want to. I’m having a problem with early recovery as most do, but I do not want to drink. I feel awful in early sobriety, but I’m determined to get past this.

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives have become unmanageable.”

I have two questions…

1. Is step 1 as easy as admitted I’m powerless over alcohol and that my life has become unmanageable? I know both to be true.
2. What was your experience with step 1? Did you feel anything special at that time? I don’t feel anything but confusion and awkwardness.
__________________________________________________ ______________

keithj

Your experience with Step 1 will be just that; your experience. As far as feeling something special, I think about all I can expect to feel from Step 1 is desolation and despair. I don’t recommend guys stay too long in that place, because it’s not a good place to get stuck. The only product of Step 1 is absolute and complete surrender. The whole point of Step 1 is to inevitably lead me to Step 2.

On the other hand, Step 1 is not to be glossed over. It was, and still remains, the absolute foundation of my recovery. All steps lead back to Step 1. That surrender is not a one time event, but a continuous state of mind. I’ve been sober for a while, and I’m just as powerless today as when I took my last drink.

I can look at my reaction to alcohol and know I can’t safely drink. Just like Bill W. did. That’s when his problems got worse, when he knew he couldn’t drink. It’s easy to look at the destruction in my wake; the DUIs and crashed cars, the divorce, the lost jobs, the sickness, the hatred in my heart, the warped lives of blameless children. But those are just consequences of my drinking. My real problem is, I can’t NOT drink. That’s where my life is unmanageable. It’s unmanageable because I’m powerless.

Step 1 for me was really knowing in my heart that I was f*cked. I knew that I could not stop drinking. I knew that my life would continue to get worse, and I couldn’t do anything about it. Despite all the efforts I made, and all the things I tried, with full knowledge of the consequences, I knew I was going to keep drinking. Hopeless, I had to give up. I surrendered. I could not go on living like that, and I was powerless to change it.

So if I’m screwed, and I can’t fight anymore, now what do I do? I’m stuck, and I can’t get out. I became willing to believe that something could get me out. And that launches me into Step 2.

24hrsAday

Kjell: for me.. at 41 (almost 42) i was at "the Point of No Return" the Big Book of A.A. calls it "the Jumping Off Place" i was completely Beaten and i Surrendered.. i was Badly Beaten by King Alcohol. for me it was a Slow But Steady Progression DOWN the final 3 years of my drinking. for me that was step #1 i do not Have to repeat it.. unless i choose to drink again..

sugErspun

Powerless over alcohol:
I can't stop when I start
I can't stop from starting.

I can't keep myself sober no matter what I "do".

basIam

I admitted to many things if I thought it was what you wanted to hear. As a matter of fact, I typically share in meetings that I had come into AA and lied by saying "Hi my name is basIam and I'm an alcoholic" because deep inside, I didnt really believe it, I just thought if I said that I would be accepted and I could hang out.

Typically when I meet a newcomer I ask them if they consider themselves alcoholic. They usually say "yes" and I immediately ask them "What does that mean to you?" This is then followed by "Well, I have admitted that I am powerless over alcohol-that my life has become unmanagable" "Oh really," I reply, "In what way are you powerless? what does unmanageble mean to you?"

So before I go into it for myself. . . what does "powerless" and "unmanageble mean to you?

Kjell

Powerless-
Even from the beginning, I know that it used to be unpredictable what happens when I drink. I could stop after a few, but then I could also "lose it" with no regards to safety, health, law, or what I had to do the next day. I was just "lucky" and didn't have any consequences for a very long time. However, at some point in time, I became completely powerless. I didn’t want to drink so much and so often, but I would often end up doing just that. …and I also say that b/c I didn't want to lose my girlfriend, or lose my job, or have to move, or get two duis or total two cars. So for that, I would say I'm powerless over alcohol or else why wouldn't I have stopped much earlier on, especially once I realized (but didn’t stop trying) I cannot moderate my drinking. Why so deep a bottom?

Life is unmanageable-
Obviously, b/c of what my bottom entails, I feel my life has been unmanageable. I also feel this way b/c I of the lack of power to stop once started or not drink at all and the consequences that left me with, hence my life is unmanageable. Looking ahead, I know I would not be able to manage a normal, safe life if I was drinking.

yeahgr8

For me admitting was easy, accepting took a load more research...by the time i walked through the doors there was not a lot of doubt left, even in an insane persons mind! For me Steps 2 and 3 really came as a natural progression from accepting 1 then i could get on with the rest.

McGowdog

Here's how it went for me; I came back into a strong group... perhaps the strongest in town... at the time for sure... and after an 8 month bender came in and asked for help.

By the time I left that meeting and headed for home, I'd decided that I was in fact a real alcoholic, was willing to seek this God that I could not define or comprehend, do the 3rd Step, get a spiral notebook, and slam out a 4th Step inventory in 21 days. I accomplished all of that in 22 days... including having it 5th stepped. So later that night, I'd finished 6 and 7 as well and started my 8th Step list.

From that experience and doing my 9th Step amends, I got Power to live life and have not drank booze ever since.

I hope that or something like that happens for you too.

FanofJoeMcQ

My sponsor put me on chapter 2 and 3 in the Big Book. Then we spoke about the complete gut level understanding of the admission of powerlessness. I have alot of underlining in those chapters. Especially accepting the denial.
We spoke of the 'utter defeat' the 'bankruptcy'...then we went to page 24 in the Twelve Step book and she asked me looking at the last paragraph, if I was "openminded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be."
Simple. Nothing to elaborate. Then we moved right on to Step Two.

Thanks for asking. Amazing remembering so we don't forget!!! This is an awesome way of life.

RobbyRobot

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives have become unmanageable.”

The idea here is not just admitting it as if like admitting to some event, or secret thing, or something else similar or personal.

We are admitting that are lives have ended up fubar directly because we are powerless over alcohol -- meaning that alcohol has an unstoppable power to make our lives wasted, lost, and in the toilet.

We do Step One to stop drinking and begin a new life. We don't do Step One to be sober. We do all the Steps to be sober! Step One is simply the program start at becoming sober and walking the path to sobriety.

Step One is to be practised everyday. Not just in the begining but everyday for life ever after, else the recovery program will dry up and become aborted, allowing alcoholism again to prove its unstoppable power to bring misery.

So we admit to being powerless over alcohol to stop the drinking, begin a new life within the program, ensure our sobriety by completing and living the rest of the Steps.

Without Step One we have exactly nothing and worse than nothing. Hope that brings some clarity. Good journey!

RR

P.S. Of course you feel rotten and awkward at Step One. Your drunken life is ending and your sober life is beginning -- it's quite the trip to experience and you'll never forget these early days if you stay sober.... and by staying sober you'll gain a whole lifetime of more experiences you'll always cherish too -- ones that are completely enjoyable and rewarding.

Everyone is different -- you'll feel and think better almost faster than you realise if you're honest with yourself

ElegantlyWasted

I beleive it is as simple as that. It also was not easy. I'd been at step 1 numerious times and accepted it only to think I'm really not like that. I can drink normally. The hard part for me was keeping it real.

basIam

Wow, you sound like me!

At this point I usually take the newcomer to Chapter 2, "There is a Solution"

"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink"

Thats me to a tee! Even if I thought "man I really shouldn't do this!" I easily pushed it aside. I realized powerlessness wasn't about lacking the power to stop, it was about, given everything I knew about how bad my drinking and druging could get, I was still capable of doing it! Oh sure, there were times I was able to abstain - "Just say no!" But it finally sank in that there were times I was unable. I cannot depend will power100% of the time. Running on my will can at times let me down. Walking down the street and just walking by a bar was literally playing russian roulette!

Yeah, this is where sometimes a little work is needed with the newcomer

Remember, the big book is written by a group of men and women who have recovered from alcoholism, describing what they did to recover, with the intent of enabling others to do the same. So now I suggest you do what they (as well as myself) did.

Play with me here. . . get out your big book. Go to page 52, first full paragraph. The paragraph begins "We had to ask ourselves . . ." so I suggest you do what they did. . . and try this exercise:

(for those listening in, if you haven't done this, I implore you to try it! it can be quite effective!!!)

From the sentence that starts "We were having. . ." through ". . . newsreels of lunar flight", rewrite the sentences, but change the wording from first person plural past tense to first person singular present tense.

This means, rewrite the sentences, but where it says "We were", "We couldn't","We had" change to "I am", "I can't" and "I have" and change "newsreels of lunar flight" to "a cure for cancer"

When complete, find a quite place. Sit quietly, silently count to100 (picturing the numbers in your mind as you count) . . . And then read your rewritten sentences outloud!

Kjell, please respond as to the effect this exercise has on you!

BB quoted-1st Edition

Kjell

Wow. That's only the second time I've read that and doing it this way certainly made me think about it and sort of hold on to it a bit more. By far one of the more powerful paragraphs in the BB (at least so far). ...and it's all very, very true.

Thank you BasIam. Your advice was very helpful.

Thank you all who responded. I think on my "first go round" I skipped over this step, believing I had already done it and/or there wasn't any work needed. Boy was I wrong and it cost me dearly.

basIam

here is the question one needs to ask oneself after performing that exercise. . .

"how long can I feel that way and NOT drink?"

please respond. . .

ps, the secret to applying the big book is to change the wording to firts person singular and turn every thing into a question in the same manner!

basIam

you also might find this post helpful when it comes to the big book:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2448422

Kjell

Well, I'm not sure. I'm assuming I ALWAYS need to feel that way. To always remind myself I'm powerless of alchohal.

McGowdog

I never remind myself I'm powerless over alcohol. That's something I've got stored way down in my gizzards.

Up in my mind, there's all sorts of mayhem and chaos at any particular moment.

I go the other route. I like what basIam and whomever else says about turning statements into questions... but that's it. I don't come into it with an answer. I consider it... coin-side... a coin has two sides.

Maybe I'm an alcoholic. Maybe I'm NOT an alcoholic. Maybe I drank because of a situation or maybe it was mental stress. Now... that I've solved all those situations and my mind has settled down... I can drink normally. Or maybe once I get my ducks in a row... ( what's this guy up to?) and once I manage well... I can drink normally.

To me, it's just a matter of determining whether I can control the stop once I start and if I can control the start once I'm stopped.

You can pour on all the drama to those situations that you can muster. You can consider times when you DID try to control your drinking. I didn't come into A.A. this last time because it was absolutely the last house on the block. I didn't have such a bad bottom that it was life or death... die or get sober. If that was the case, it would have been a no brainer. Just drink.

I came into A.A. this last time because I truly was out of plans. I had no idea it would work, and I really didn't want to do it. I don't know why I did it. Maybe I was prayed in. It don't matter. What did matter is that they put the burden of responsibility right back on me. "Either you're gonna do this stuff or not, Bud. It's all up to you."

I really didn't come to see my 1st Step hardly at all until I went to go do my 5th Step. That's when I really saw for the first time that I was a real alcoholic of the hopeless variety and that would never ever go away.

basIam

This is where I take the newcomer back to chapter 3...more about alcoholism... I suggest you reread that and do the same thing. Personalize it and turn it into questions... respond back when complete. BTW I couldn't read the big book with out a highlighter and a pen to underline!!!

Charmie

keith has put it in a nutshell for me.

FanofJoeMcQ

Awesome thread. !!!! This should be a sticky!!!!