REZ

December 2


Recovery: our first priority

“We have to keep our recovery first and our priorities in order.”

Basic Text, p. 82

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Before coming to NA, we used many excuses to justify our use of drugs: “He yelled at me.” “She said this.” “My partner left.” “I got fired.” We used these same excuses for not seeking help for our drug problem. We had to realize that these things kept happening because we kept using drugs. Only when we made recovery our first priority did these situations begin to change.

We may be subject to the same tendency today, using excuses for not attending meetings and being of service. Our current excuses may be of a different nature: “I can’t leave my kids.” “My vacation wore me out.” “I have to finish this project so I can impress my boss.” But still, if we don’t make recovery our first priority, chances are that we won’t have to worry about these excuses anymore. Kids, vacations, and jobs probably won’t be in our lives if we relapse.

Our recovery must come first. Job or no job, relationship or no relationship, we have to attend meetings, work the steps, call our sponsor, and be of service to God and others. These simple actions are what make it possible for us to have vacations, families, and bosses to worry about. Recovery is the foundation of our lives, making everything else possible.

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Just for today: I will keep my priorities in order. Number One on the list is my recovery.

REZ

I've heard it said that whatever we put ahead of our recovery we will lose.
First things first.

Threshold

I am a bit torn about this right now. I am attending meetings, doing my reading, working steps. There are several evening meetings I'd like to attend to get to know people better, and find a F2F sponsor...but that would mean being away several nights a week from my husband. And we are trying to patch up our marriage.

So where does that fall in?

I know that without recovery..the rest falls apart. But without a place to live and money to live on, and the threat of a divorce..I really do worry that those situations might be enough for me to put recovery on the back burner..

it's hard for me to figure out how to balance these things.

AphroditeLite

Hey Threshold,

I hear you. I just heard in a meeting last night that balance is an illusion. In my experience, when I put my recovery first, everything else falls into place. When I focus on "other situations," my spiritual condition falters and it feels like the world is falling down around me. I've been reading your posts, and I really appreciate you sharing your recovery with us. Keep up the good work!

Gmoney

First things first.

I love that saying. For me, balance is a reality but it isn't a constant. There will be times in my life where I'll have to focus a large percentage of my time and effort to achieve a specific goal. Does that mean I'm placing something in front of my recovery? I don't think so...especially when that goal results in my being a responsible, productive and contributing member of society.

IMO, where this reading talks about keeping our recovery a number one priority it simply means:

These are the things that help me to stay clean, and above all else, staying clean must come first. None of us do these things exactly alike, but when we do them, the results are what counts.

REZ

Putting first things first does not necessarily mean you attend a meeting every day or spend X amount of time doing recovery-related things. How many meetings you need to go depends on where you are in your recovery. This varies with each individual. Some still go to a meeting every day after years in recovery; others go much less often than that and are fine. Talking to your sponsor about this can help. The bottom line, for me, is that when I am planning my life, I must first make enough time/commitment to my recovery, then I can plan on other things (family, job, etc.).

Missybuns

I actually experienced losing jobs and relationships when I put them before my recovery.
I couldn't stay clean that way either...and didn't.

Once I made my recovery my priority I stopped losing things that were important to me...and I stayed clean.

Missybuns

I actually experienced losing jobs and relationships when I put them before my recovery.
I couldn't stay clean that way either...and didn't.

I heard the same, Rez, ...and I thought I was different, I thought I could be the one who could keep the man and the job and recovery would have the same importance....you know...all lined up together of same importance...(LOL as if ...LOL...oh nevermind)

Nope. I not only used but lost the man and the job!

Once I made my recovery my priority I stopped losing things that were important to me...and I stayed clean.

Gmoney

That's exactly what I'm talking about, and I believe we're all saying the same thing (just sounding a little different).

Sounds like you're keeping recovery a first priority to me. I think one of the problems that arises is when some of us start confusing our wants with our needs, or compare our personal process with someone else's. Like Rez said, putting 1st things 1st doesn't automatically mean we have to be at a meeting everytime the doors open - for some, it might - but "regular" meeting attendance varies from member to member. The same applies to what kind of service we do and how much we do it. I know at least several members who have never done a "90 in 90" (as suggested in our Basic Text), but they have decades clean. I felt I needed to be around people in recovery, so I did two to three meetings daily for my first 6 months or so clean. Now, at over 11 years clean, I regularly attend 1 -2 meetings a week. Often, I want to attend more...but one or two is all I need.

For me, the danger exists when I start to make excuses for not going to meetings, doing step work or being of service. First things first means I need to make time instead of making excuses.

kj3880

When I was new, I shared on here a lot about how I was different due to my job and couldn't do a "90 in 90." I didn't use over it, but I was pretty darn miserable until I put the time in and started going to meetings most days in early recovery. Not every day. I just went every day that I possibly could. And on days where I did have some time off, I doubled up and went to two meetings.

I now do other things on days I can't get to meetings: I have a long commute, so I listen to a speaker tape or my Basic Text on CD. I also learned to use my network to keep in touch during those times. If you can't get to a meeting some days, these are some ways to keep working on your recovery.

Love,
KJ

Threshold

Thanks all for sharing you ES&H (did I get that in the right order? lol)

Yesterday turned out to be a really tough day for me.

I am working recovery, but sometimes something happens, a loss comes that makes me wonder if it IS all worth it after all. I am working step 4 and at a point where everything I write or think can be summed up by "it's ALL my fault",
and sometimes it seems that the things people say at meeting and the readings reinforce that...

If I'd have just done this differently, or looked at that differently, or understood, when I was three years old that my mother was dealing with her own stuff and not taken her abuse personally...then I wouldn't have all these problems today.

Now, on some level, I know they are right and I am wrong, that the only way I am going to recover is to follow directions, no matter how it feels, ho matter that I can't understand it. But right now it's pretty scary to be asked to put all I think I know about life aside.

I'm scared to lose what little I have left by gambling (it does feel that way sometimes) on the hope that what this bunch of strangers is telling me is the truth.

Yesterday at meeting I brought some of this up, and got several responses. One woman told me to listen to what the people there had to say, that they were honest, and loved me unconditionally, and only had my recovery in mind when they spoke to me.

I wanted so much to believe that, but it was complicated by the fact that on my way to the meeting, I got a phone call, which provided me with some information about my ex boyfriend, who I had already learned had been dishonest with me, and had left me without a goodbye or backward glance, and done a number of very disrespectful things prior to that...now I found out that he failed to mention he had hepatitus...must've slipped his mind eh?

Oh, and he knew I was an addict, but somehow, his treatment of me seemed a bit less than unconditional love and he didn't seem to give a rat's patootie about my recovery, and if I could have a nickle for every time he talked about the importance of honesty...

yeah...oh yes, and I forgot to mention he is NA, all the way...spends several hours a day doing NA service. See HE puts his recovery first..

So, it is a little hard to trust that the people in meetings are honest, love me unconditionally and have only me recovery in mind.

This woman said "let the people in NA love you until you can learn to love yourself"

It was about all I could do to not say "Um, tried that, didn't work out so wall"

As a friend said to me after the meeting..."what do you expect from a bunch of addicts"

I know it is unfair to judge NA by it's weakest link, people are people, and Im sure my ex is totally selfless and honest when it comes to dealing with addicts that he isn't using to stroke his ego...and other parts of himself.
But coming to a meeting right after finding out I may very well have been given a gift that keeps on giving...it was hard to believe I am worth loving, worth saving, and that this program is going to help me be all that I can be. I mean, look what wonders it did for my ex!

I yelled at "God" for awhile this morning...and decided that for now I think I need a different HP...(I have another in my back pocket) See yesterday, when that phone call came...I was walking out of a church. I had decided yesterday morning to give God a chance. I went out in the rain to a church and got on my knees and prayed. The timing of that phone call was darned funny.

What happened with my ex is neither god's fault, nor NA's fault. I accept that. I'm even trying real hard not to do my ex's inventory. After all, I made the choice to "go there" with him. And this morning, I got up, said my third step prayer, got out of bed, lit a candle and meditated. Then I did some writing on my 4th step, and now I'm here to check on JFT.

So, yeah, I'm not going to let anything come before my recovery, not my broken heart, not hepatitus, not a God that seems less than loving, and yes I will make two meetings today.

The problem is, that sometimes it seems like my life has gone so far down the crapper that I really don't have much to lose other than life itself...and a lot of days (and yesterday was one of them) that didn't seem like it'd be such a loss, in fact, it felt like it might be a relief.

Thanks for listening to my little pity party. I feel pretty clueless about nearly everything these days. I don't know how to get through this, how to get out of this, and surrendering when I have no clue what I am surrendering to, and whether it truly does have my best interest at heart...is more than scary.

Another dose of just about anything, even if it's poisonous, seems like it'd be less damaging than another dose of rejection, dishonesty, and disrespect.

If I lose my marriage, at this point, I am out on the streets with no job (laid off), no money and no self respect.

Recovery first...I wish I knew what recovery meant, and what it has to offer. I'm putting a might big down payment on something I haven't taken for a test drive. And right now...sorry y'all...between my own clearly stupid choice of boyfriends,(I'm an addict too) and string of stupid choices in MY active addiction, and the behavior of said boyfriend (also a recovering addict)...it's hard to trust a roomful of addicts...about anything, even recovery.

Thanks for listening. I'm still willing...even though some days I wonder why.

kj3880

Many times, I observed that the way recovering addicts act in romantic relationships is the sickest behavior they have left. I don't know why that is, but it sure seems to be true. Some addicts with many years clean, who sponsor others effectively, work service relentlessly, and have the rest of their lives together, are observed cheating or abusive to their spouse.

Don't judge all of us by the actions of these few, though. And don't assume that because someone doesn't have an effective, or indeed any, romantic relationship, that they don't have anything to offer you in your recovery. Some of us don't ever heal in that aspect of our lives for some reason. Some of us learn to be happy single and like it that way better.

Stick with the women for the time being. Try to keep the focus on your recovery and avoid romantic relationships for a year if you can. I didn't choose healthy men when I was in the first year of recovery (or when I was using). It took working the first five steps for me to get to know myself a little bit and develop an understanding of my patterns. Once I looked at my part in these sick relationships, I was able to stop blaming the men and make better choices.

Love,
KJ

Missybuns

ok for the sake of following the thread....

Threshold,
my experience with working a 4th step without a sponsor resulted in much the same stuff/feelings as you describe. My first to best of my ability 4th step was when I found out I'd be better off with a sponsor who was actually willing to give me guidance during this crucial step. I wrote...asked for guidance...and didn't get any. I wrote some more....called for guidance...she'd set up a time to meet, then back out. Something always came up. I continued to write with no guidance from a sponsor. I did have the support of others in recovery during this time but that is not the same as what a sponsor can provide. I know what it's like to try doing a 4th step without a sponsor.

I got a new sponsor and started again. It was necessary and I needed to take responsibility for my recovery.

If you are up to step 4 on your own without a sponsor I can understand your uneasiness.

A sponsor can help you see your part and let you know when you can't see certain things about yourself on your own. It makes it so much more meaningful and feels so much more safe when working closely with a sponsor.

I haven't read everything you have posted but I've read some to know you were looking for a sponsor. Have you found one?

Peace,
Missy

Threshold

I do not yet have a face to face sponsor, but I do have a temporary sponsor I met online, and can also communicate via phone with. She has taken me through the first 3 steps and is leading me in 4 as well, so I am NOT alone...thank goodness.

I am not judging all NA people by the actions of this one man, it was just going into that meeting, that day, right after finding out such painful information, and then having someone tell me about unconditional love, support and honesty...I felt, at that moment, like saying "yeah...right"

I will not let the actions of that man endanger my recovery.

I have heard and well believe the wisdom of not getting into any new relationships for at least a year. And as far as sticking with the women, yup, all the way. I don't call any men, I dress down for meetings, I NEVER share on any topic pertaining to love, romance or sex in meetings, nothing to give anyone any idea I am open to or interested in a relationship of any kind, and truly I am not. The last thing I need right now is that sort of distraction

I recognized about 6 weeks ago, how that particular relationship was really just another manifestation of my addiction, and that was a real turning point for me, to see yet another dangerous way that I was "using". I actually pledged in my journal that day no new relationships for at least two years

But I am wiser now to stick to the program and be a bit wary of individuals. I was driving with a new NA friend yesterday to an event and she too gave me a heads up about being cautious, including taking my time to find the right sponsor.

Now that I've had a few days to process this new information, pray over it, meditate, and hash it out with a few friends...I feel a bit better. Not taking it so personally, I mean I cannot be blamed for his choices, I can only own my own, acknowledge my error and adjust my behavior in the future.

Thanks for your input and advice.

This has been one painful and eye opening learning experience.

Gmoney

This is an awareness that some of us never achieve. It is also a deeper understanding of Step 1. Bravo!!

Well said! Now...THAT'S recovery!!

It has been my experience to learn (thru step work) that the vast majority of times when I experience "harm" it was due to the fact that I ignored the potential of harm being caused to me and I placed myself in harm's way. When I place unrealistic expectations on myself or others (i.e., "They should've told me!" or "They should be more honest!"), I set myself up for disappointment. I've also learned, and shared with sponsees many times, that just because we get clean and into recovery doesn't mean we become perfect, angels or above any wrong-doing. The same kind of people we find outside of the fellowship, we'll find inside of the fellowship.

I used to misunderstand what members meant when they'd talk about "unconditional love." I used to put members on a pedestal. Today I understand that the unconditional love they speak of simply means they'll help me to stay clean (even if they don't like me). Today I understand that no member is superior or inferior to another and that we all have defects...and act on them from time to time. Self-centeredness is the core of my disease and I need to always remember that other members share the same disease.

Two of the greatest changes I've experienced was my attitude and my perspective. Today I choose to be happy and instead of seeing the glass as half empty, I see it as half full.

G