cmhcali

Hello, I am a member of SR and have been sober a year and 5 months off alcohol and any substance. Alcohol is my drug of choice and never got into harder stuff but family and friends have.

I have been dating a guy for 6 months who is sober in the program has a sponsor goes to meetings works the steps however last week his behavior changed.

The first thing I noticed were his eyes were pinned I dismissed this as I know he is doing all the suggestions of AA. Then he went into these cleaning spurts cleaning my entire car after a meeting instead of fellowshipping. We all went out after the meeting (all sober people) and he was off doing his own thing which I didnt think much of.

Thanksgiving he was acting weird again, distant, small pupils blinking. Trips to his car and bathroom. I started thinking this is all in my head.

Friday we went out to dinner and he was in the bathroom for like 10 minutes. He came out was quiet distant and said there was a line. While he was in the bathroom I said to my brothers girlfriend I hope he is ok. And she replied "a couple of days ago your brother said he looked high". I went into fear and lost my appetite. My brother is a recovering heroin addict.

So I watched his behavior he immediately went to have a cigarette followed by a trip to the bathroom to wash his face as he was too hot. Then he took his long sleeve shirts off and was in a wife beater (tank top) in cold weather (the restaurant is hot). I also saw tylenol pm in his pocket which he took before bed and exhibited other weird behaviors.

I went to my best friend in the program for advice and she told me she thought he was high twice but did not want to say anything. I was shocked. She is a recovering addict with almost as much time as me. So I am a mess. My best friend called him out of concern one addict to another and his response was how can you think that.

He immediately called me after saying he was going to get a drug test to prove he was not high. Thought this was weird. I know I have not drank and if you asked me I would say no end of story. But he was really hurt and looking for sympathy. Said he was not using but I know it is a catch 22 because if he was he would lie as he knows I would leave him. I have a lot of circumstancial proof but nothing that gives me grounds to break up with him.

So please help with suggestions on how to approach this. I talked to my sponsor and she said all I know is he took tylenol pm to sleep. That is the only fact.

Claudius

I think you really should have proof before you make any deep decisions. Perhaps if you catch him stealing or actually find something on him or doing some though I think searching his stuff may be slightly unethical but who am I to judge.

Your situation brings up a deeper question in my mind though and that is the wisdom of dating someone who is also in sobriety? Is it not the point of quitting drugs to remove oneself from a particular lifestyle? I could see how having a mate that may crash you down as being potentially dangerous.

cmhcali

Claudius thanks for your input. Yeah I would never touch his things. I also feel it is unethical to search through someone's belongings.

The truth is I have never done the drugs he has. So I know if he relapses and I see him doing that it will not make me do it. I know that through experience of having 2 siblings that are heroin/crack addicts. One is sober the other is not. If he was drinking that would harm me. Either way I see your point but have a hard time relating to people who are not in the program. I know it sounds weird. I need someone who practices my way of life. That understands I go to meetings every night. I sponsor 6 woman right now through the 12 steps, prayer, meditation and that comes first. Maybe I was naive to date someone else in the program but I have always had open communication with my sponsor she knows everything about me. Took me through the steps and I did my 5th step with her. I know for today my program is ok and I keep reaching out.

I just didnt know if there were signs I should look for. Today he seems ok and even suggested I meditate. I guess I will see and my higher power will give me what I need. Thanks for your support... That is what the program of recovery is about so I appreciate your feedback. Today I am grateful I have no desire to drink

Claudius

I also do absolutely see the flip side of my argument that absolute concentration on recovery is essential and a likeminded mate assists in that goal.

It's interesting because the same reason "The Program" works for is the same reason why I am disagreeable to it. I find it to be slightly contradictory that one quits one addiction of substances for another addiction of sobriety. When I was living "The Program" found my entire self-enveloped to sobriety. All social interaction was based on my sobriety which, to me, was not the goal; the goal was normality and normal people do not base their entire self on the mission of sobriety. This discrepancy, perhaps, may be my deterrent to success because I may just need to practice acceptance and embellish a life of sobriety based activities.

I hope your situation works out for you. Remember that even if you find out he was hiding his habit from you that it hurts him more than you and that he probably is disgusted with himself more than you of him. You must react but I suggest a tempered and balanced reaction if the worst suspicions come to fruition.