kv816

I know this has been asked a dozen times (including by me once about a year ago). I just don't know what to say. And it's starting to make me wonder, again. I'm in my own denial (which is a fight because I know it's a stupid thought). I'm trying to tell myself that my kids are just young and they don't understand. Or that I did a pretty good job of protecting them from his madness.

We put up our tree yesterday. And hung our four stockings (me and the three kids). Then my youngest asked if we were putting one up for xabf too. We ended up going out to the store and buying one.

I don't know what to say to them and it's really hard. They are talking about him and what Christmas will be like and when he'll be here. I don't know how to say he won't be here. But I don't want them to get their hopes up to see him.

DesertEyes

Hi there kv

The best place to get those answers is in the literature for al-ateen and al-atot. Which you can find in meetings of al-anon You can meet other parents who have already done the explaining to _their_ kids and get some experience from them.

Welcome to Alateen

Mike

hmbld

I have found that honesty is the best policy. My kids have done a whole lot better since I started being open and honest with them about their father. We're even able to joke about his issues now. I think it helps when kids are able to express what they're really thinking and not feel badly about it.

BuffaloGal

I'm honest, and as far as I can tell my ex's girlfriend is too. I cringe sometimes at the things I calmly announce and discuss with her as if they are okay (Yes, drinking can hurt his organs inside, but he's a grownup and allowed to choose to drink if he wants... yes, I know your dad is very sad and I'm glad that you try to cheer your dad up... neither you or his girlfriend or I can make him happy, but right now he can't do it for himself... etc).

I explain adult relationships and alcoholism to her in a way that she is completely too young for, but what's the alternative? I don't want to leave her in the dark, but I'm out of my depth. This is the first situation where I can't do anything as a mom but hope that she is strong and all right.

atalose

I think that was a great suggestion to check out the literature at al-teen and al-atot. I also feel honesty is the best policy based on age and what they will understand.

Not to sound judgmental but buying a stocking to hang for him may be sending the kids mixed signals and causing them confusion. As you mentioned, you may still be in denial and confused yourself which may lead you to invite him back into your life based on what you believe are the “kids” needs.

kv816

may lead you to invite him back into your life

Not going to happen. Has happened....WAY WAY WAY too many times in the past. But it won't happen again. I can't.

I guess what I meant by denial is listening to all the stories here about how kids question the A's behavior or why they say this, do that and so on and so forth. These kids SEE it, they LIVE it. In that sense I can comfortably explain that the alcohol has an effect on people that can make them act this way. It's not you that's causing it, it's the alcohol. My kids don't say these things. They don't ask these things. So the "denial" is more a questioning of myself "wow, maybe he's NOT an alcoholic and it's all me". Which is STUPID of me to think because I know better. But I do ask myself that sometimes....IS he an alcoholic or did I do a good job of protecting my kids from it?

Does that make any sense?

Fact is he will always be a part of our lives. We were together for over 2 years. He's the only father they have ever really known. My XH doesn't call. Doesn't write. So xabf has always been the one that's been there. You can see it as wrong of me to put up a stocking for him this year. But I did it for my XH when he left too...and I had a lot of anger for him when he disappeared and still do in fact. He'll never be welcomed into my home. Ever.

I hang one for my father every year too. One of those tiny little "baby foot" ones. Hangs on the tree. I've done it every year since 1993. He and my mother divorced when I was 5. And from what she tells me now as an adult he was a jerk to her. But we put up a stocking every year and it continued when I moved out. Fact is, just because he passed away, doesn't mean he's not still in my heart, not still someone I'm thankful for.

It's like someone said in another post. Hug your children, they are our lives. My mother hated my father, but she loved us kids. He was a jerk to her and a deadbeat. But he gave her us and for that, she was thankful to him.

I've been beaten down. I've cried. I've been lost. Confused. Disappointed. I've cried. I've lost weight from not being able to eat. I've been happy. I've been sad. I've cried. I don't hate him anymore. I'm sorry I had to go through all I did but I have grown and learned about me because of it. And for that, I'm grateful.

Still Waters

Maybe. Maybe not. Time heals all wounds and we really don't know what tomorrow will bring do we?

For me a simple, "I don't know if he'll be here or not" would work.

hmbld

That's what I've done with my kids and I gotta tell ya, I'm glad I did. I really do think it helps them cope when you don't sugarcoat or try and hide stuff that they are obviously aware of.

atalose

I don’t know if I’d be counting on him or even wanting him to be a part of my children’s lives. I guess I would feel that I was setting my children up for disappointment. He’s an active alcoholic, do you really want your children to have him as a role model?

Again I think honesty will be the best policy. Honesty about their own dad and honesty about this guy.