What do I do next?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3
What do I do next?
I just realized that my boyfriend is an alcoholic. I've known him for over 10 years. We've dated for nine months now. I've always known he had a "drinking problem" and that he often drank too much, and that he became a very mean drunk when drinking hard alcohol. Looking back now I feel stupid, but I never thought that meant he was an alcoholic. I thought alcoholics were people that couldn't do without drinking. They were people that had withdrawals when they didn't drink. My boyfriend wasn't like that.
I was attracted to him because he was so much fun. We would both drink, sometimes too much, and then we would argue. I tend to get jealous easily when I drink hard alcohol so I admit that sometimes when we would fight it was me who started it. Sometimes we would fight so bad that we would break up, but then the next day or over the next few days we would work it out.
Lately, I've been drinking less and he has been drinking more. He had a troubled childhood and has a lot of situational things going on as of recently. He describes his own life as a mess, and to be honest it is. But regardless, I loved him and we were going to work through his issues. He moved into my apartment and we even talked about getting married. We weren't fighting at all and we weren't breaking up every weekend anymore. I thought we had a rough start to our relationships, but things were going so well.
Two nights ago a neighbor called the police after they heard us arguing. My boyfriend was arrested for domestic assault, intimidating a witness and destruction of property. This has never happened before. I'm really overwhelemd by how quickly our relationship fell apart. I'm trying to come to terms with him being an alcoholic, with the fact that he broke up with me, with the fact that he's mad at me and blames me for the police being called. Worse of all, I'm trying to make sense of how I can still love him and want to be with him. What's wrong with me?
I was attracted to him because he was so much fun. We would both drink, sometimes too much, and then we would argue. I tend to get jealous easily when I drink hard alcohol so I admit that sometimes when we would fight it was me who started it. Sometimes we would fight so bad that we would break up, but then the next day or over the next few days we would work it out.
Lately, I've been drinking less and he has been drinking more. He had a troubled childhood and has a lot of situational things going on as of recently. He describes his own life as a mess, and to be honest it is. But regardless, I loved him and we were going to work through his issues. He moved into my apartment and we even talked about getting married. We weren't fighting at all and we weren't breaking up every weekend anymore. I thought we had a rough start to our relationships, but things were going so well.
Two nights ago a neighbor called the police after they heard us arguing. My boyfriend was arrested for domestic assault, intimidating a witness and destruction of property. This has never happened before. I'm really overwhelemd by how quickly our relationship fell apart. I'm trying to come to terms with him being an alcoholic, with the fact that he broke up with me, with the fact that he's mad at me and blames me for the police being called. Worse of all, I'm trying to make sense of how I can still love him and want to be with him. What's wrong with me?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Hi CaraLee - Welcome to SR! I'm so sorry things are so difficult with your boyfriend! Weekends are a little slow on SR (this forum), so be patient waiting for responses to your Post. This is a wonderful place to be for support. So far, the people here on SR have saved my life several times over. You'll find a warm, welcoming home here.
BIG HUGS OF SUPPORT, CaraLee!
Tigger
BIG HUGS OF SUPPORT, CaraLee!
Tigger
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Sounds to me like you're probably codependant. A lot of people who live with or have grown up around active alcoholics show codependant signs.
It can be very confusing living with an alcoholic so much so that you can actually begin to feel like you're losing your mind, been there and very nearly did. I did a similar thing at the beginning, drank with him, he encouraged it, made him feel like he had less of a problem because we were both "partying". Like you, it caused huge drunken arguments and subsequently I stopped drinking completely whilst he carried on drinking alone.
From the sounds of the charges, sounds like your BF was physically violent with you, caused damage to your property and threatened a neighbour or friend?
The thing I would probably be thinking now if I were you, not why I still loved him (because love doesn't disappear over night) but why I thought that this was the very best I could get. Do you deserve to be hit and threatened and blamed?
Please take a look at the stickies, loads of great information there and keep posting. It's scary at first thinking you're dealing with it all by yourself but we've all been through similar if not the same situation as you're finding yourself in now.
It can be very confusing living with an alcoholic so much so that you can actually begin to feel like you're losing your mind, been there and very nearly did. I did a similar thing at the beginning, drank with him, he encouraged it, made him feel like he had less of a problem because we were both "partying". Like you, it caused huge drunken arguments and subsequently I stopped drinking completely whilst he carried on drinking alone.
From the sounds of the charges, sounds like your BF was physically violent with you, caused damage to your property and threatened a neighbour or friend?
The thing I would probably be thinking now if I were you, not why I still loved him (because love doesn't disappear over night) but why I thought that this was the very best I could get. Do you deserve to be hit and threatened and blamed?
Please take a look at the stickies, loads of great information there and keep posting. It's scary at first thinking you're dealing with it all by yourself but we've all been through similar if not the same situation as you're finding yourself in now.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
You will find lots of support and information on this forum. Weekends can be slow, but you can always find wisdom in the sticky posts at the top of this forum. Those posts contain some of our experiences and stories of living with alcoholism.
Don't beat yourself up and feel stupid about not understanding the problems with alcoholism. It is a progressive dis-ease that gets worse without therapy and sobriety.
I too didn't think my ex husbands drinking was a big problem when we met and started dating. I seldom drank. I had cut back to only drinking on every other weekend when my children were with their dad. I was a single mom with two small children, working a full time job and going to college. My prince charming comes along and brings a six pack. No big deal, right?
Fast forward 14 years, and it was a big deal! I started drinking more and we were quite the social couple. I stopped and started with my own drinking several times during the 14 years. Each time I picked up, it got worse. I finally hit my emotional bottom in 2008 and haven't touched a drop since.
Then I was a recovering alcoholic, living with an active alcoholic. Our relationship did not survive the alcoholism. We divorced earlier this year. I now know more about alcoholism and how it affects the alcoholic and the entire family. Alanon, SR and self-help books have given me the strength, hope and support I needed.
One of the first books I read to understand alcoholism was "under the influence" We have excerpts from that book here on SR. Here's the link:http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
CaraLee please keep reaching out for help for yourself. You deserve a life of love, respect and acceptance.
You will find lots of support and information on this forum. Weekends can be slow, but you can always find wisdom in the sticky posts at the top of this forum. Those posts contain some of our experiences and stories of living with alcoholism.
Don't beat yourself up and feel stupid about not understanding the problems with alcoholism. It is a progressive dis-ease that gets worse without therapy and sobriety.
I too didn't think my ex husbands drinking was a big problem when we met and started dating. I seldom drank. I had cut back to only drinking on every other weekend when my children were with their dad. I was a single mom with two small children, working a full time job and going to college. My prince charming comes along and brings a six pack. No big deal, right?
Fast forward 14 years, and it was a big deal! I started drinking more and we were quite the social couple. I stopped and started with my own drinking several times during the 14 years. Each time I picked up, it got worse. I finally hit my emotional bottom in 2008 and haven't touched a drop since.
Then I was a recovering alcoholic, living with an active alcoholic. Our relationship did not survive the alcoholism. We divorced earlier this year. I now know more about alcoholism and how it affects the alcoholic and the entire family. Alanon, SR and self-help books have given me the strength, hope and support I needed.
One of the first books I read to understand alcoholism was "under the influence" We have excerpts from that book here on SR. Here's the link:http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
CaraLee please keep reaching out for help for yourself. You deserve a life of love, respect and acceptance.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everything you guys have to say.
I feel I should clarify what happened the other night. He was not physically violent with me, but he did destroy our apartment. When I told him I was going to call the police because he was destroying the place he took my cell phone and threw it into the wall (this is what got him the intimidating a witness charge), then when he was leaving he punched the glass window of the fire extinguisher in the hallway and split his hand open.
I'm not trying to make excuses for him just because he didn't hit me. I was very concerned for my safety and in that sense what he did was extremely wrong. I always knew that he was a mean and angry drunk. He use to be violent in the sense that he would destroy things (ex. threw his lap top out of a third story window), but I had never seen his violence directed towards a person (other than verbally). The first time I saw this was early in the week (Wednesday) when he threw a chair at my closed bedroom door because he was mad at me.
When this happened we both called into work the next day and spent the day talking about his anger. He promised he would never drink hard alcohol again and that he would never hurt me or react like that again. Two days later is the night he was arrested. All his promises and what little remorse there was the first time, was gone in less than 48 hours.
Is it normal for an alcoholic to escalate so violently so quickly? I was shocked with what happened on Wednesday and then Friday night was even worse. I don't even want to think about how bad it would have gotten if there was a third time.
Also, is it typical for alcoholics to be paranoid? He continuously accused me of cheating on him even though I never did. This is also something that got progressively worse as of recently. Looking back now I guess there were a lot more warning signs than I thought…
I feel I should clarify what happened the other night. He was not physically violent with me, but he did destroy our apartment. When I told him I was going to call the police because he was destroying the place he took my cell phone and threw it into the wall (this is what got him the intimidating a witness charge), then when he was leaving he punched the glass window of the fire extinguisher in the hallway and split his hand open.
I'm not trying to make excuses for him just because he didn't hit me. I was very concerned for my safety and in that sense what he did was extremely wrong. I always knew that he was a mean and angry drunk. He use to be violent in the sense that he would destroy things (ex. threw his lap top out of a third story window), but I had never seen his violence directed towards a person (other than verbally). The first time I saw this was early in the week (Wednesday) when he threw a chair at my closed bedroom door because he was mad at me.
When this happened we both called into work the next day and spent the day talking about his anger. He promised he would never drink hard alcohol again and that he would never hurt me or react like that again. Two days later is the night he was arrested. All his promises and what little remorse there was the first time, was gone in less than 48 hours.
Is it normal for an alcoholic to escalate so violently so quickly? I was shocked with what happened on Wednesday and then Friday night was even worse. I don't even want to think about how bad it would have gotten if there was a third time.
Also, is it typical for alcoholics to be paranoid? He continuously accused me of cheating on him even though I never did. This is also something that got progressively worse as of recently. Looking back now I guess there were a lot more warning signs than I thought…
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Paranoia is completely normal for alot of alcoholics, I used to find I would be accused alot of the time of the things that A was actually doing himself...he was projecting his guilt, so to speak. I was always being accused of checking up on him (even when I wasn't) and a lot of other stuff too, I regulary called him paranoid although he denied it.
From his behaviour, it sounds like you've had a lucky escape. That's another thing I learnt from coming here; never argue with an alcoholic. Not just because there could be an underlying danger of violence, but if we're honest, what's the point? Did you ever change his mind, make him see sense, make him admit he was wrong, make him see you weren't to blame when he'd had a few? I used to scream blue murder, I'd end up in a crying mess, hoarse from shouting and he'd tell me I was crazy and calmly leave the room and go to bed. I never ever solved anything by arguing with him whilst he was drunk, it only ever made things worse.
I learnt through coming here that I actually had a choice, I could control MY behaviour. I didn't have to argue with him or even speak to him when he'd been drinking, and so I stopped. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do and yes I slipped up on occassions but god, the relief that comes from being able to walk away from an argument and from the "enlightenment" that came from controling myself...it was bliss.
My advice would be to educate yourself about the disease, read as much as you can about detachment and codependancy and keep yourself safe, always have a plan in place. x
From his behaviour, it sounds like you've had a lucky escape. That's another thing I learnt from coming here; never argue with an alcoholic. Not just because there could be an underlying danger of violence, but if we're honest, what's the point? Did you ever change his mind, make him see sense, make him admit he was wrong, make him see you weren't to blame when he'd had a few? I used to scream blue murder, I'd end up in a crying mess, hoarse from shouting and he'd tell me I was crazy and calmly leave the room and go to bed. I never ever solved anything by arguing with him whilst he was drunk, it only ever made things worse.
I learnt through coming here that I actually had a choice, I could control MY behaviour. I didn't have to argue with him or even speak to him when he'd been drinking, and so I stopped. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do and yes I slipped up on occassions but god, the relief that comes from being able to walk away from an argument and from the "enlightenment" that came from controling myself...it was bliss.
My advice would be to educate yourself about the disease, read as much as you can about detachment and codependancy and keep yourself safe, always have a plan in place. x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
TheMissus is right CaraLee. Co Dependent No More. By Melody Beattie. Fantastic book! Wish I'd read it before I met my ex nearly four years ago. (We broke up earlier this year!) Certainly an eye opener. I highly recommend it. I read it with a highlighter in my hand, highlighting all the bits relevant to me! There is a lot of green highlights in the book, Wish I'd read it before but will certainly stand me in good stead when I finally am ready to move on from this relationship.
I know things are hard now CaraLee but believe me you are in the right place. There are some wonderful people on this site who will share their experience with you. In return you will find love, strength and hope. I was blubbing like a baby when I first posted on here back in July. Now I am only too happy to share my experience with newcomers such as yourself in the hope I can help you, the way I too was helped,
Welcome!
I know things are hard now CaraLee but believe me you are in the right place. There are some wonderful people on this site who will share their experience with you. In return you will find love, strength and hope. I was blubbing like a baby when I first posted on here back in July. Now I am only too happy to share my experience with newcomers such as yourself in the hope I can help you, the way I too was helped,
Welcome!
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