transformyself

Even this is progress.

The urge to snoop on AH has come across my desk a few times this morning, but it's not overwhelming and I think it has more to do with being frustrated with this article I"m trying to write.

anyone else notice a significant drop in level of urgency when the impulse to snoop comes around? Fading, I'd call it.

I'm SO GRATEFUL that I can look at it right now as an unhealthy compulsion-one that will only spiral me downward into pain. I used to have no control over it. Just gave in and did it. I think it's in part due to spending time at our old marital home over the weekend to pack up my remaining belongings. I didn't snoop there, but it is habit, I say. It has nothing to do with reality, with taking care of myself, with being able to control anything. Just a part of me I"m letting go because it doesnt' serve my higher good.

And I have youse guys to thank for this awareness.

Yep, I use to just act out, unaware.
Then came the information that it was hurting not helping me-but I still did it.
Now, I have a choice and choose to not engage in it.

YAY!!!

kv816

Yup! I want to think it's detachment, in a healthy way. I love him, always will, but I just don't care anymore. He can do what he wants, send whatever email he wants to whoever he wants, talk however he wants to these people, stay out as late as possible. For me, I used to snoop almost as a way to make me right. Stupid things really. With me we were always in bed by 8:00. So when we weren't together I'd check his email or his myspace for any time stamps.....if he sent an email at midnight then he was up. And I'd get angry. But I just don't care anymore.

Like you, I'd like to think of it as progress to moving forward.

Startingover2

Been working on that myself lately. Its hard when you have been doing it for so long. It does help most of the time...although for me there have been many confirmations of his loserness when I have snooped. Times when I felt weak, or softening towards him and then I would snoop and go "oh yea, that is who he is".

My thing now is trying not to read the patterns. Yesterday exah was having yet another crisis with his d15. I seemed to be the only one he could talk to again. He even dropped by unannounced and I let him in (my mistake). We talked about stuff and he left. Never heard again until 5:00 and he sent his usual (give baby a kiss goodnite) text. Yeah ok...at 5? But the pattern is code for "my girlfriend is coming now, so you won't hear from me again". That part I need to work on. Not analyzing every text or conversation.

Uggh...Its a work in progress.

transformyself

Startingover:
I too use different things for a "reality check" on AH and his actual state of being, but I think I have enough information now to eliminate the snooping. Hell, how much evidence do I need?

I currently use journal writing and old posts here to validate why I don't want him.

Letting go of analyzing him is also part of my recovery.
No: snooping or obsessing. But then I guess snooping is part of obsessing, right?

Bottom line is I think I"m ready to move on. After years and years of resentment, pain, fear and broken promises I really do want a better life. Without him.

But now that I'm less focused on him, I"m seeing all the work I have to do on ME.

BS08

I read my exABF emails all the time, checked his phone texts, snooped in his FB page, and also looked at his activity on 3 dating sites he was on before he met me (they were still active but he wasn't using them). I also read his journals that he had in his desk drawer. I started doing this after being together for 5 months. I was constantly struck by little things I found- notes to the ex girlfriend, little act/notes that were disrespectful to me, notes to friends about he felt about the women he was trying to date (how long it had been since he had be laid, how far they were letting him go, if they would pay for the trip to Mexico), and finally, all the ones to the new girl while he was sneaking around my back. I always saw the level of disrespect in his real self in these emails, but wanted to believe the man who held me and told me he loved me wasn't the same.

I have no regret about snooping honestly. I really don't. If I had not, I would of never of had any idea what was going on and the type of man (how he really thinks) he is. I would of been more confused and in the dark. Everything makes sense and I see in black and white what a sick, cowardly, disrespectful man he is. The pain it caused me is from the reality of who he is.

But what I have learned from it is that if I feel the urge to snoop again, to sneak around and look at his texts/FB/email, and not be able to talk to him about what's going on, it's time to get out of the relationship. Bottom line it means is that I don't trust him and that he would be open, honest, and respectful to me. I have friends that actually share their email/FB with their spouse. Complete and honest trust. That's what I should be looking for.

So if I ever feel the need to snoop again with a SO, I'm going to stop myself, ask myself why I feel the need to snoop, and then really think if this is the relationship for me. Because if I feel the need to snoop, it probably isn't.

Thumper

I didn't ever snoop. I'll admit to being sneaky though. I also keep secrets. I have $1000 he doesn't know about for instance. I write things down and have old bank statements etc. I haven't stopped that and don't plan to until we are divorced. After the divorce I plan to write visitation and parenting things down - the rest I could care less about.

ItsmeAlice

I think it's fantastic progress transform!

It's like with medical conditions. The first step is to become aware, right?

I have a condition that can bring on fainting spells. For the first 26 years of my life, I didn't know what was wrong with me. I was panic stricken when these spells would occur and was frustrated how each of them seemed to have some explanation for it that didn't fit when any of the others. Finally, I found the right doctor, got the right tests, learned all I could, and now I rarely have a problem. I've barely had an episode in the last 10-12 years where I used to get them almost monthly.

It's the awareness. Knowing the precursory feelings, the signs, and signals my body gives off. I can take action before it ever becomes a problem. In time, my action was second nature, and I didn't even have to consciously acknowledge anything to dispel it.

Those compulsions to snoop, as you've noted, fade with time and diligence towards a healthy detachment.

You are on the road to make detachment and awareness second nature, and it's great to hear!!

Alice

transformyself

Oh thank you Alice! That sounds so scary, fainting spells. Yikes. I"m glad you got it under control. I can feel the difference in letting go of the need to "know" what he's doing. There's no point anyway. The damn thing is dead and over.

ItsmeAlice

I knew I had hit paydirt in turning my focus to my own day to day living when I was cleaning out a file on my computer and stumbled (honest, I wasn't looking for it) on a picture of him a few weeks before our split. I was truly startled by it. I barely recognized it as him. I leaned into the screen and thought, Is that really him? Did he really look like that the last time I saw him? Who had I been looking at all that time?

I'm not going to say I don't remember his face anymore or think of him at all, because that's just not true, but what I remember of him is losing it's detail and is getting a little fuzzy around the edges I think.

You have a baby with your AH, that's going to be a lasting issue, of course. But you are already starting to feel his impact on your spirit fading. You are detoxing from him, and I bet it feels really good.

Alice

sclarke64448

Hey TransformMyself everything you said in that post is absoloutely right! I'm an intelligent girl, I know I'm hurting myself! So why do I still do it? I only hope I get to the place you're at now real soon!

transformyself

I have great news Sclarke! YOU CAN get to this place. I swear. Just stop it. When the thought comes to your mind, tell yourself, this is only going to hurt me. I don't want that. Then immerse yourself in a task or somethng that you're doing for yourself.

I think it's part habit, part controlling issues and also part avoiding taking care of myself.

You can do it!