angry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
angry
It has been a long time since I posted. I have been reading and staying on this site. Oct 2007- my husband went to rehab and I found out about his addiction. Oct 2008- he moved out. Since I haven"t posted in a long time, I will catch you all up. 4 months after he came out of rehab, he started seeing another woman from his meetings, another recovery addict. Reading my posts at that time, I saw the signs...just didn't put it together. I started questioning things in July. But he always had the perfect excuse and I had so much doubt in my thinking at that time. He lied and made me think I was crazy! I know...typical behavior!
After he moved out, the next night I received an anonymous phone call confirming everything. It came from a different town and the man wanted me to go to my husband rent house. My answering machine had picked up and my dtr heard the whole conversation. SHe began to scream and the man hung up. My son also heard the whole thing...he had picked up the cordless phone in his room. I hired a PI and found out who she was and what was going on. It truly helped me believe in myself. That my thoughts and perceptions were true. He was so good at making me doubt myself and making me think I was crazy. I am waiting for my divorce to be final any day now. I am in such a better place.
It's my kids that I concerned about. none of them want anything to do with him. My youngest recently did go to his house and he called me hysterical to come get him. He read his dad's text messages and saw where she wrote I love you. He is so angry. However he will not ask/confront his dad about her. He is scared to ask him and tell him how he feels. when ex-RAH ask me what is going on with the kids and I tell him...he thinks I am making it up! he gets angry with me bc he thinks I am trying to control that relationship. He thinks it is me?! So I stopped answering his questions/texts/phone calls. I just don;'t know how to handle the kids. I have never interferred with their relationship with their dad. I never spoke bad about their dad. I have always been honest with them on their level when they ask me questions. I am the one who has had to tell them about rehab, addiction, dad was leaving, dad's girlfriend....They won't talk to him. yes they are in counseling. But it still falls on me. Yes I am going to counseling too. It's hard when something happens and I need to vent.
it's very hard to try to move on when my kids ask questions. and its always to me. Counselor has told me bc I am the healthy parent. Its just very hard. I have come a long way, but I have times when I get angry bc its me who is answering their questions an being the parent. If they don't want to go with him...he blames me. He has driven up at my house....whenever and will borrow stuff as he wants. I have confronted him about being on my property and taking my things without asking. He tells me I am still angry! He blames me for my dtr not giving him her sport schedule...she doesn't want him there. She says he was never there before! and it is posted on the school web site...he can get it if he really wants. my fault...I am still angry. He wants the kids on his time, schedule, terms. He wants me to be angry...he always accuses me of that. And I am not. I am done. If I set a boundary...I am angry! NO...that's my boundary. Don't like it...too bad.
I am frustrated and needing to vent. My youngest read the text last night. He has been crying. Feeling betrayed. hating her and him for breaking up his family. but he won't confront his dad. afraid his dad wound be be angry about him reading his text. I have already told him he shouldn't read private messages. But its done now. He just wants answers...I can't give it to him. BUT ex-RAH blames me for my son being upset!!! he doens't even know why! If he ask, do I tell him?! It will be me making this up! I am still angry...
After he moved out, the next night I received an anonymous phone call confirming everything. It came from a different town and the man wanted me to go to my husband rent house. My answering machine had picked up and my dtr heard the whole conversation. SHe began to scream and the man hung up. My son also heard the whole thing...he had picked up the cordless phone in his room. I hired a PI and found out who she was and what was going on. It truly helped me believe in myself. That my thoughts and perceptions were true. He was so good at making me doubt myself and making me think I was crazy. I am waiting for my divorce to be final any day now. I am in such a better place.
It's my kids that I concerned about. none of them want anything to do with him. My youngest recently did go to his house and he called me hysterical to come get him. He read his dad's text messages and saw where she wrote I love you. He is so angry. However he will not ask/confront his dad about her. He is scared to ask him and tell him how he feels. when ex-RAH ask me what is going on with the kids and I tell him...he thinks I am making it up! he gets angry with me bc he thinks I am trying to control that relationship. He thinks it is me?! So I stopped answering his questions/texts/phone calls. I just don;'t know how to handle the kids. I have never interferred with their relationship with their dad. I never spoke bad about their dad. I have always been honest with them on their level when they ask me questions. I am the one who has had to tell them about rehab, addiction, dad was leaving, dad's girlfriend....They won't talk to him. yes they are in counseling. But it still falls on me. Yes I am going to counseling too. It's hard when something happens and I need to vent.
it's very hard to try to move on when my kids ask questions. and its always to me. Counselor has told me bc I am the healthy parent. Its just very hard. I have come a long way, but I have times when I get angry bc its me who is answering their questions an being the parent. If they don't want to go with him...he blames me. He has driven up at my house....whenever and will borrow stuff as he wants. I have confronted him about being on my property and taking my things without asking. He tells me I am still angry! He blames me for my dtr not giving him her sport schedule...she doesn't want him there. She says he was never there before! and it is posted on the school web site...he can get it if he really wants. my fault...I am still angry. He wants the kids on his time, schedule, terms. He wants me to be angry...he always accuses me of that. And I am not. I am done. If I set a boundary...I am angry! NO...that's my boundary. Don't like it...too bad.
I am frustrated and needing to vent. My youngest read the text last night. He has been crying. Feeling betrayed. hating her and him for breaking up his family. but he won't confront his dad. afraid his dad wound be be angry about him reading his text. I have already told him he shouldn't read private messages. But its done now. He just wants answers...I can't give it to him. BUT ex-RAH blames me for my son being upset!!! he doens't even know why! If he ask, do I tell him?! It will be me making this up! I am still angry...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I was kind of hoping your answer would've been no, thinking the truth might help them begin to cope. Since that's already happened and you're doing what you can for them and you, I wish I had some kind of ES&H to share with you. I don't because the (recovering) addict in my life is my daughter.
I can't imagine your frustration but there are many parents here who have walked in your shoes, and I'm sure they'll be along soon.
Honestly, the only reason I responded is because I wanted to you to know I heard your pain. You and your family will be in my prayers.
I can't imagine your frustration but there are many parents here who have walked in your shoes, and I'm sure they'll be along soon.
Honestly, the only reason I responded is because I wanted to you to know I heard your pain. You and your family will be in my prayers.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Children often blame themselves for not being good enough to hold a marriage/family together.
Is he paying child support? Is he current? Does his have visitation rights? Does the court know these children are not interested in having a relationship with him, at this time?
Does he still have keys to the house? Is that how he manages to " borrow" stuff?
Is he paying child support? Is he current? Does his have visitation rights? Does the court know these children are not interested in having a relationship with him, at this time?
Does he still have keys to the house? Is that how he manages to " borrow" stuff?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
Our papers say reasonable visitation. And the kids don't go at all! He will try to ask them to come, but they never do. They have told me that all he wants to do is sleep or do what he wants to do. He gets angry very easily bc they don't go or they don't answer the phone. My lawyer knows, but it has never came up in court. He does pay child support and is current. My lawyer has told me that if the kids do not go, I could get more, but I am good where I am...he does say he is taking me back to decrease it....so at that time it will come up in court. I just want to move on....
Counselor has told me that he has to do the work with the kids and would love to see them with their father in counseling, but he has not gone. It 's just the sadness or pain they feel...it always comes to me. BUT he doesn't know that my youngest read his texts...my youngest is 9 and a boy. He is having a very hard time right now and I just encourage him to talk to dad. I don't think he knows how to have a relationship wth them. And he blames me! that's his excuse to himself. But maybe it would make a difference if he knew that his son knows about the other woman. My son said he felt better after telling his dad that he knew about his addiction. I still had to explain it to him though. I know my son wants to talk about her to him...he just scared of his dad getting angry.
He does not have a key to my house...but drives up and "borrows" things out of my garage or on the patio (which doesn't lock). When I call him about it... he says I am still angry. NO>>>this is mine and you are trespassing!
Counselor has told me that he has to do the work with the kids and would love to see them with their father in counseling, but he has not gone. It 's just the sadness or pain they feel...it always comes to me. BUT he doesn't know that my youngest read his texts...my youngest is 9 and a boy. He is having a very hard time right now and I just encourage him to talk to dad. I don't think he knows how to have a relationship wth them. And he blames me! that's his excuse to himself. But maybe it would make a difference if he knew that his son knows about the other woman. My son said he felt better after telling his dad that he knew about his addiction. I still had to explain it to him though. I know my son wants to talk about her to him...he just scared of his dad getting angry.
He does not have a key to my house...but drives up and "borrows" things out of my garage or on the patio (which doesn't lock). When I call him about it... he says I am still angry. NO>>>this is mine and you are trespassing!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
I admit I've never been thru this part of addiction but can your ex go to counseling session with the children? I have no idea if this is even done but it seems like a 3rd party would be of benefit here. I am so sorry you are put into this position. It is so unfair.
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
He's playing the classic addict blame game... blaming YOU so he doesn't have to "feel" any blame/pain/feelings thats it's really his fault. It's part of the sickness addiction brings. You don't have to accept the blame though... it's not your fault.
Kids are so perceptive at what goes on. My own 3 children all do not want anything to do with their father. He's been gone a year now, and hasn't even tried to have a relationship with his kids. But, I did talk to him recently and he still blames ME because I turned them against him. I told him to look in the mirror and he would see who turned them against him. Like you, I wanted my kids to have a good relationship with their father. And even though I tried to make things normal as possible ... addiction brought a lot of pain in our life. The kids pick up on that and after awhile they just didn't care to be around him/his addiction/ bad moods/ disappearances, etc. It was for them that I finally had to ask him to leave for good.
Counseling will be good for your kids. It may take a few months or so before you can tell a big difference. I know my son didn't want to go. The therapist had to come get him out of the car the 1st appt. But after a while, he got his feelings out and I could tell a world of difference in him.
Keep working on you and getting yourself happy and healthy. Things will get better in time. (((HUGS)))
Kids are so perceptive at what goes on. My own 3 children all do not want anything to do with their father. He's been gone a year now, and hasn't even tried to have a relationship with his kids. But, I did talk to him recently and he still blames ME because I turned them against him. I told him to look in the mirror and he would see who turned them against him. Like you, I wanted my kids to have a good relationship with their father. And even though I tried to make things normal as possible ... addiction brought a lot of pain in our life. The kids pick up on that and after awhile they just didn't care to be around him/his addiction/ bad moods/ disappearances, etc. It was for them that I finally had to ask him to leave for good.
Counseling will be good for your kids. It may take a few months or so before you can tell a big difference. I know my son didn't want to go. The therapist had to come get him out of the car the 1st appt. But after a while, he got his feelings out and I could tell a world of difference in him.
Keep working on you and getting yourself happy and healthy. Things will get better in time. (((HUGS)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
I have asked him to take the kids to counseling. Of course he says yes...but it never happened! So I took them and take them. The counselors have told me that they will express things toward me bc I am the healthy one. It's just so hard...I keep telling them they need to talk to their dad. BUt they won't. I have asked my youngest not to read his texts, but he wants answers. And is too afraid to ask him. My dtr became very insecure and distant after the phone call. She was hysterical and just hasn't been the same. She won't talk to me about her dad. My oldest son has come a long way. He is happy again and makes comments about his dad that are true. He is selfish and made his own bed.
I allow them to ask questions and I answer them honestly and the best I can. It will always be my fault in my ex's eyes. everything is my fault. and when I confront him on something or lay a boundary, He gets angry and flips it and says its bc I am angry. He doesn't get it...and I don't think he ever will. I just want to do what is right and healthy for my kids.
I allow them to ask questions and I answer them honestly and the best I can. It will always be my fault in my ex's eyes. everything is my fault. and when I confront him on something or lay a boundary, He gets angry and flips it and says its bc I am angry. He doesn't get it...and I don't think he ever will. I just want to do what is right and healthy for my kids.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Have you considered ceasing to text with him or at least keep your phone on you at all times. This would solve one problem, going forward.
Sounds like he's a child and wants what he wants, when he wants it and tantrums when he can't get it. Pity him...a grown man behaving like a toddler.
None of us can control what comes out of someone else's mouth. The only thing we control is our reaction. See and view him as the child he is.
When he goes off on you, can you disengage...calmly hang up, delete the text, close the door....whatever it takes to maintain your sanity.
Sounds like he's a child and wants what he wants, when he wants it and tantrums when he can't get it. Pity him...a grown man behaving like a toddler.
None of us can control what comes out of someone else's mouth. The only thing we control is our reaction. See and view him as the child he is.
When he goes off on you, can you disengage...calmly hang up, delete the text, close the door....whatever it takes to maintain your sanity.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
It seems that cynical one has a couple of good boundary suggestions.
Is there an alateen you can bring your children to? They won't want to go, at first, but after a couple of mandatory meetings, they may change their minds, and find some peers in similar situations.
Is there an alateen you can bring your children to? They won't want to go, at first, but after a couple of mandatory meetings, they may change their minds, and find some peers in similar situations.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
11d,
Just as cynical one is suggesting, I had to get a restraining order on my ex AH. He would steal things out of my garage when picking up or dropping our son off. He started stalking me and my son would cry and plead with me not to have to go with his father, because all his father did was pump him with questions about me. It is IMPERATIVE that you keep a paper trail. Call the police every single time he takes something, trepasses, or harrasses you. Also, I don't know how old your kids are, but maybe a family meeting might help. Maybe if you are all together, your children would find the strength with you there, to tell their father how they truly feel and he will see that he is being a real
d!psh!t.
It is a very tough situation. Because of his fathers cheating, lying, stealing, stalking and harrassing, my 22 year old son wants nothing to do with his father. My ex is an alcoholic and drug addict who encouraged our son so get high with him.
Good luck and keep those police reports. Judges love good paper trails.
Just as cynical one is suggesting, I had to get a restraining order on my ex AH. He would steal things out of my garage when picking up or dropping our son off. He started stalking me and my son would cry and plead with me not to have to go with his father, because all his father did was pump him with questions about me. It is IMPERATIVE that you keep a paper trail. Call the police every single time he takes something, trepasses, or harrasses you. Also, I don't know how old your kids are, but maybe a family meeting might help. Maybe if you are all together, your children would find the strength with you there, to tell their father how they truly feel and he will see that he is being a real
d!psh!t.
It is a very tough situation. Because of his fathers cheating, lying, stealing, stalking and harrassing, my 22 year old son wants nothing to do with his father. My ex is an alcoholic and drug addict who encouraged our son so get high with him.
Good luck and keep those police reports. Judges love good paper trails.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Texas
Posts: 41
Maybe you should let your ex know that son is reading texts because they may rather explicit. He could then at least lock the phone so your son doesn't get access to information that is potentially distressing/and or confusing to him. I don't think conveying information is the same as interacting or reacting to the details of the info. Then ball is in your ex's court and while you haven't involved yourself in the conflict you have educated your ex about your son's distress at the content of the texts.
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