bebemay

Hey all.........I havent posted in a while, but I read alot of the posts on here. I think that helps. Today I'm feeling really bummed, and I just wanted to write down some of whats been going on with me to make it more clear to myself, and hopefully get some help or input on my situation. My exabf is in recovery. However, I feel really confused, because he acts so different from the last time he was sober, which was for two years. The last time he was sober, the change in his personality was amazing. He was back to the sweet guy I fell in love with, full of positivity, and really spiritual and kind. He currently goes to aa all the time and has a sponsor, and a group of friends in aa that he hangs out with alot. We arent together right now because he says that our relationship is too stressful for him right now in his sobriety. However, he wants me to continue acting like his girlfriend, including physically- he just doesnt want any "titles" or stress. He said if he acknowledges that I am his girlfriend I will attempt to control him and do unhealthy things, and that we need to work on things before we can be together, which he eventually wants to do. However, when I try to talk to him about things he will only either argue with me or tell me that he isnt going to talk about anything, and he is constantly short and unfriendly towards me, or "too busy" to talk to me. I feel like he still has the same Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing going on that he had when he was drinking, and I don't understand this b/c of all the work he is supposedly putting into his program. Recently he went to a big aa event. When he came back he added several girls to his facebook, one of whom was eighteen years old. He and I are in our mid-twenties. The eighteen year old girl also posted a picture online of the two of them, sitting close together, making kissing faces at the camera. I have a lot of insecurity about him and other girls because of past issues with him cheating. When we got back together the last time he was sober, he told me he had no interest in being friends with or talking to other girls, and that he would do w/e it took to work on our relationship and have things be better between us. This too has changed now, he has informed me that he will be friends with whoever I want, and if I dont like it too bad. After this past weekend, I told him that I do not want to attempt to work things out with someone who is hanging out with eighteen year old girls, or other girls in general, and that I am not going to continue having a physical relationship with him if he cannot even give me the respect of being his "girlfriend". He says that I am throwing away our relationship because what he has to offer me right now isnt good enough, and that he and these girls are just friends and I am being controlling. I'm willing to admit that I may be over-reacting and/or controlling about the girls, but I just dont really feel like this is right. He never even mentioned meeting these girls to me, I found out about it just from seeing it online. Also, when I first saw the girls, he told me that he had only spoken to them for a few minutes, and then the young girls posts this picture of them? I feel like he is taking advantage of me, especially with the whole relationship thing....like he is using sobriety as an excuse to do things that arent really good. I guess what is confusing me the most is the contradicting nature of all this.....hes saying he wants to be with me and is constantly doing all these things to be sober, but I feel like he is acting just like his old self. However, he tells me that sobriety is whats most important to him, even over me, so I feel like he must really be serious about his sobriety. Im starting to feel like my part of this disease is causing me to make bad choices and be a bad person. I feel really......sad and disappointed that I no longer feel comfortable with him talking to other girls, and I really dont want that kind of relationship, but I dont see any way of fixing how I feel about it. After I told him I wasnt going to have a realtionship with him without a title, or when other girls were hanging out with him, he called me back and left me a message, saying that he wants to work things out with me, "soberly and honestly", and that he isnt, hasnt been, and wont be anything other than friends with other girls. I havent called him back, because I feel like I cant say anything positive....I feel so hurt about everything that i think its making me irrational, and I dont even know if I'm wrong or right in my thinking anymore. Anyways, Im sorry if this was rambling or confusing, and feedback would be appreciated, including if its to tell me that Im being an idiot, or set me straight. I feel like I need some serious guidance. Thanks.

wanting

Just to get a better picture of things, what are you doing to work on you? Are you going to al-anon?

I think these kinds of relationships really make us question our sanity. You are not insane for wanting the kind of relationship you want. It would make me feel horribly used to be having sex with someone I loved, who refused to "define" our relationship. I think it's legitimate for a recovering alcoholic to say no to a relationship while he focuses on his sobriety, but it seems like he is cake-eating here. Oh, if I don't call it a relationship, then it's not a relationship. Oh, meeting your needs is a threat to my sobriety, so why don't you go ahead and meet my needs while we both neglect yours?

Pelican

However, when I try to talk to him about things he will only either argue with me or tell me that he isnt going to talk about anything, and he is constantly short and unfriendly towards me, or "too busy" to talk to me.

and when you try to break away from him you get this:

he called me back and left me a message, saying that he wants to work things out with me, "soberly and honestly", and that he isnt, hasnt been, and wont be anything other than friends with other girls.

What are you getting out of this relationship? Do you feel like a hostage instead of a girlfriend? He is pushing you away with both hands, and when you have had enough - he is pulling you back in with words.

I would start to look at his actions. What are his actions telling you?

Do you want to maintain your friendship during his recovery? That's cool. Just be sure that you are taking care of yourself during the process. Your life is just as important as his.

bebemay

I've attended two meetings lately.....but I am going to start going to a college student meeting next monday that I was told about today. I feel like theres never anyone near my age in any of the meetings, not that thats a reason not to go. Sometimes I just feel really alone at them. I am not good at talking to strangers, or in front of people. I've been thinking about a private counselor or something, if I can find one I can afford.

Yeah I feel alot like he is trying to have his cake and eat it too.. I just dont know. I feel like my head is spinning! I think I need to take a long jog or something, but I have a huge test tomorrow and I cant really take time from studying to do anything else. I guess I'm just too overwhelmed to deal today.

Also, sorry about the terrible grammar, etc. I just read through my original post and its not very easy to read....I was rushing.

Pelican

Taking a long jog is a good idea!

I found I needed to get the A in my life out of my head by physical activity. I still pound the pavement (power walking) as often as needed. I did two miles yesterday.

Get your head cleared and then you can focus on your studies for your future!

Free108

It doesn't seem like you're getting much out of this "relationship". In my horrible experience, once you start getting insecure about facebook photos, you've lost your center. When I look back at being in your position, I feel like I had lost my mind. I relapse now and again when something comes up on the internet, but at least now I'm not with my ex so I don't have to go there for too long.
No one deserves to be in your position. It doesn't matter if he's in recovery or not. He's just not treating you lovingly. This means that he doesn't care enough, and you have to try to remember that life can be much much better than this and that a man can love you and treat you well. But as long as you're involved with this guy, that's unlikely to happen, right? I know how hard this is. Once your head is spinning with insecurity and jealousy it's hard to get grounded and think straight.
Keep going to those alanon meetings and focus on what you would like your life to look like and what you can do to achieve that. You're so young; you can have a good life!

bebemay

Pelican- I'm not sure what I'm getting from this relationship. I guess nothing currently. I think I just keep hoping for the past, which is probably a mistake. I do feel very trapped. I feel like this person is, or was, my best friend. Imagining my life without him seems impossible, however the way hes been treating me lately makes me feel like screaming. I dont want to lose him, and I dont want to not be with him, but sometimes I feel like I am wasting my life on him. I'm afraid that if I stay connected to him because I feel like he is my "soulmate" or the only person I will ever feel this way about, I will miss out on opportunites to have healthier relationships. But on the other hand, I feel like I cant cut him out of my life, and cant move on without cutting him out of my life. It is making me feel like a hostage. Obviously you are right, and what he is telling me with his actions is nothing like what he is saying with his words. I just have a hard time figuring out what is what with this situation.

Free- thanks for everything you said. I dont really know what to say to respond to it other than it made me feel better....and thank you. I really feel like what you said about losing my center, only I think I never had it to begin with. If only getting it was easier!

bebemay

Pelican, I forgot to add that I really like your quote! Its pretty inspiring....definitely struck home with me.

nodaybut2day

Bebemay...remember to love him for who he is now, not for who he was or who he could be. Do you love who this man is today, right now?

Do you feel that what he is giving you right now (which doesn't seem like much) is what you need/want/deserve?

After re-reading your post, it seems like your xbf wants his "friend with benefits" on the side, and to have his flirtations as well. When you set your boundary and tell him you won't be his occasional roll in the hay, he hastily tries to reel you back in with the words "sobriety and honesty". That doesn't speak of someone who is serious and devoted to rebuilding a relationship that he helped to damage...