Hi.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 13
Hi.
Hi guys and gals
Wow, this is a really big forum.
I just joined because i have a very good friend of mine who has just joined AA(well he said he has) and try as i might i'm having a really hard time understanding exactly what he's going through.
In the past i know i've been a tad less than sympathic. I've tried to support him and tbh i'm the only person he has left.
We have been friends for years and like most friends we've had our ups and downs only this time around i feel i'm really out of my depth (that why i've come here for advice).
So, how do i support somebody who loves drinking more than seeing his kids.
How do i support someone i have little respect for.
I love my friend, but i don't have much repect left for them now.
Where do i start.
Why should i stick around when i get nothing back from the friendship.
Why should i put up with the lies and abuse.
What can i do to support my friend.
If anyone has any words of wisdom or advice i would be so very greatful.
Thanks in advance
AliceX
Wow, this is a really big forum.
I just joined because i have a very good friend of mine who has just joined AA(well he said he has) and try as i might i'm having a really hard time understanding exactly what he's going through.
In the past i know i've been a tad less than sympathic. I've tried to support him and tbh i'm the only person he has left.
We have been friends for years and like most friends we've had our ups and downs only this time around i feel i'm really out of my depth (that why i've come here for advice).
So, how do i support somebody who loves drinking more than seeing his kids.
How do i support someone i have little respect for.
I love my friend, but i don't have much repect left for them now.
Where do i start.
Why should i stick around when i get nothing back from the friendship.
Why should i put up with the lies and abuse.
What can i do to support my friend.
If anyone has any words of wisdom or advice i would be so very greatful.
Thanks in advance
AliceX
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Pewaukee, WI
Posts: 22
You have to learn about alcoholism as a disease and that what your friend is doing is not really him, it is the alcohol and he is physically addicted. The book that has helped me understand the most is Under the Influence.
Good luck and he needs a friend right now, even if he cannot give back anything right now.
Good luck and he needs a friend right now, even if he cannot give back anything right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 13
You have to learn about alcoholism as a disease and that what your friend is doing is not really him, it is the alcohol and he is physically addicted. The book that has helped me understand the most is Under the Influence.
Good luck and he needs a friend right now, even if he cannot give back anything right now.
Good luck and he needs a friend right now, even if he cannot give back anything right now.
Welcome! Glad you are here. HAve you ever considered going to an "open" AA meeting with this person? MAybe you could find out some of the answers to your questions there. Also, you might consider going to ALanon--where friends/family of alcoholics meet. Plenty of nice folks there who could help. We also have a Friends/family of Alcoholism forum here as well. Just know that you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it--their alcoholism. Ultimately, what you choose to do concerning this friendship is up to you--you shouldn't feel obligated to do anything. Your own sanity and peace of mind--you must consider what would be the best answer for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 13
Welcome! Glad you are here. HAve you ever considered going to an "open" AA meeting with this person? MAybe you could find out some of the answers to your questions there. Also, you might consider going to ALanon--where friends/family of alcoholics meet. Plenty of nice folks there who could help. We also have a Friends/family of Alcoholism forum here as well. Just know that you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it--their alcoholism. Ultimately, what you choose to do concerning this friendship is up to you--you shouldn't feel obligated to do anything. Your own sanity and peace of mind--you must consider what would be the best answer for you.
What you are saying actually makes a lot of sense. The problem i have is, i don't know how to help him. I kinda hoped i would find other people here in the same boat.
Thanks again for the advice.
AliceX
Hi guys and gals
Wow, this is a really big forum.
I just joined because i have a very good friend of mine who has just joined AA(well he said he has) and try as i might i'm having a really hard time understanding exactly what he's going through.
In the past i know i've been a tad less than sympathic. I've tried to support him and tbh i'm the only person he has left.
We have been friends for years and like most friends we've had our ups and downs only this time around i feel i'm really out of my depth (that why i've come here for advice).
So, how do i support somebody who loves drinking more than seeing his kids.
How do i support someone i have little respect for.
I love my friend, but i don't have much repect left for them now.
Where do i start.
Why should i stick around when i get nothing back from the friendship.
Why should i put up with the lies and abuse.
What can i do to support my friend.
If anyone has any words of wisdom or advice i would be so very greatful.
Thanks in advance
AliceX
Wow, this is a really big forum.
I just joined because i have a very good friend of mine who has just joined AA(well he said he has) and try as i might i'm having a really hard time understanding exactly what he's going through.
In the past i know i've been a tad less than sympathic. I've tried to support him and tbh i'm the only person he has left.
We have been friends for years and like most friends we've had our ups and downs only this time around i feel i'm really out of my depth (that why i've come here for advice).
So, how do i support somebody who loves drinking more than seeing his kids.
How do i support someone i have little respect for.
I love my friend, but i don't have much repect left for them now.
Where do i start.
Why should i stick around when i get nothing back from the friendship.
Why should i put up with the lies and abuse.
What can i do to support my friend.
If anyone has any words of wisdom or advice i would be so very greatful.
Thanks in advance
AliceX
You shouldn't put up with lies or abuse, I wouldn't.
I also wouldnt maintain a friendship with someone that is unable to return friendship back to me. Maybe one day he will.. but for now, maybe 'supporting' him would be to allow him to invest all his time and energy into recovery, and checking in with him from time to time to see how he's doing, from a bit of a distance?
I dunno.. that's what I would do.
YOU can't help HIM.. that's the point. He has to do this on his own.
There's lots of folks over in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum that have been exactly where you are, in one way or another. Check it out!!
try the friends and family section on these forums, they have a lot of experience to share. Also you might try reading the big book from AA, your friend should be able to get you a copy, or they the library. I found the chapter "To Wives" pretty helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 13
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 13
Well for one, no one's saying you *have* to support him, or stick around. However, if you choose to, a lot of the books/meetings already mentioned might help you to understand a little about what he's dealing with. You can support a friend's decision about recovery, without becoming completely involved in the process. In fact his recovery should not involve anyone besides himself, and his program.
You shouldn't put up with lies or abuse, I wouldn't.
I also wouldnt maintain a friendship with someone that is unable to return friendship back to me. Maybe one day he will.. but for now, maybe 'supporting' him would be to allow him to invest all his time and energy into recovery, and checking in with him from time to time to see how he's doing, from a bit of a distance?
I dunno.. that's what I would do.
You shouldn't put up with lies or abuse, I wouldn't.
I also wouldnt maintain a friendship with someone that is unable to return friendship back to me. Maybe one day he will.. but for now, maybe 'supporting' him would be to allow him to invest all his time and energy into recovery, and checking in with him from time to time to see how he's doing, from a bit of a distance?
I dunno.. that's what I would do.
The thing is, I have been supportive if i hadn't of encouraged him he said he would NOT of gone to a meeting.
What i'm trying to understand is what makes a person want to drink.
I'll go check out the other forum.
Thanks again.
That is an incredibly selfish burden he placed on you. In my humble opinion, he's not done.. or ready for recovery.
It's up to you to decide where YOU draw the line in terms of what you'll accept in your life from such a 'friend'.
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