XYZ

Hi guys and gals
Wow, this is a really big forum.
I just joined because i have a very good friend of mine who has just joined AA(well he said he has) and try as i might i'm having a really hard time understanding exactly what he's going through.
In the past i know i've been a tad less than sympathic. I've tried to support him and tbh i'm the only person he has left.
We have been friends for years and like most friends we've had our ups and downs only this time around i feel i'm really out of my depth (that why i've come here for advice).
So, how do i support somebody who loves drinking more than seeing his kids.
How do i support someone i have little respect for.
I love my friend, but i don't have much repect left for them now.
Where do i start.
Why should i stick around when i get nothing back from the friendship.
Why should i put up with the lies and abuse.
What can i do to support my friend.
If anyone has any words of wisdom or advice i would be so very greatful.

Thanks in advance
AliceX

forjg

You have to learn about alcoholism as a disease and that what your friend is doing is not really him, it is the alcohol and he is physically addicted. The book that has helped me understand the most is Under the Influence.

Good luck and he needs a friend right now, even if he cannot give back anything right now.

XYZ

Thanks, where would i be able to get a copy.

ANGELINA243

Welcome! Glad you are here. HAve you ever considered going to an "open" AA meeting with this person? MAybe you could find out some of the answers to your questions there. Also, you might consider going to ALanon--where friends/family of alcoholics meet. Plenty of nice folks there who could help. We also have a Friends/family of Alcoholism forum here as well. Just know that you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it--their alcoholism. Ultimately, what you choose to do concerning this friendship is up to you--you shouldn't feel obligated to do anything. Your own sanity and peace of mind--you must consider what would be the best answer for you.

Taking5

Amazon.com has under the influence and the sequel beyond the influence.

Sikkisirus

Welcome. If your friend is working on sobriety finally then he needs a good friend in his corner

XYZ

Hey thankyou, I may well just do that (go to a meeting)
What you are saying actually makes a lot of sense. The problem i have is, i don't know how to help him. I kinda hoped i would find other people here in the same boat.
Thanks again for the advice.
AliceX

XYZ

Thanks again
AliceX

smacked

Well for one, no one's saying you *have* to support him, or stick around. However, if you choose to, a lot of the books/meetings already mentioned might help you to understand a little about what he's dealing with. You can support a friend's decision about recovery, without becoming completely involved in the process. In fact his recovery should not involve anyone besides himself, and his program.

You shouldn't put up with lies or abuse, I wouldn't.
I also wouldnt maintain a friendship with someone that is unable to return friendship back to me. Maybe one day he will.. but for now, maybe 'supporting' him would be to allow him to invest all his time and energy into recovery, and checking in with him from time to time to see how he's doing, from a bit of a distance?

I dunno.. that's what I would do.

smacked

YOU can't help HIM.. that's the point. He has to do this on his own.

There's lots of folks over in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum that have been exactly where you are, in one way or another. Check it out!!

XYZ

You know i want to be there for him i really do.

Thanks
AliceX

Gypsy Feet

try the friends and family section on these forums, they have a lot of experience to share. Also you might try reading the big book from AA, your friend should be able to get you a copy, or they the library. I found the chapter "To Wives" pretty helpful.

XYZ

Right, ok. I'll check that out
Thankyou.

XYZ

Thats good advice.
The thing is, I have been supportive if i hadn't of encouraged him he said he would NOT of gone to a meeting.
What i'm trying to understand is what makes a person want to drink.
I'll go check out the other forum.
Thanks again.

smacked

That is an incredibly selfish burden he placed on you. In my humble opinion, he's not done.. or ready for recovery.

It's up to you to decide where YOU draw the line in terms of what you'll accept in your life from such a 'friend'.

thirtybubba

Take care of yourself first, XYZ.... (((hugs))).

Dee74

Some good advice here Alice X
Do make sure you're taking care of you too, ok?

And I hope you did check out our Family and Friends forums
Welcome to SR!

D

Wolfchild