Cherybaby66

Tomorrow is my last day of (iop) intensive outpatient program.

I have to admit. I am scared to death.

For the past three months, going to IOP has kept me on track. It's kept me clean and sober. Knowing they can pop a drug test on me at any time...well, it kept me on the straight and narrow.

Now, I am left to my own devices.

I don't know how to handle this. I did really well. Participated. Grew close to a lot of the people in group. I did the work. I really did. And, I have grown so much as a person...both with my addiction and with other issues related to why I became addicted in the first place.

My counselor told me I am welcome to come back anytime. He said I was a very positive influence on a lot of people. That makes me feel good. But, I know I can't do this forever. Also, until the nursing board gives me their contract with how long I need to be monitored for...I am free to do whatever I want.

What I don't want is to relapse. But, I am thinking so heavily about it. I don't want to...but it is getting to the point of obsession. All I can think about right now is that I have the freedom to do whatever it is that I please. The cravings right now are unbearable.

I have so much clean time right now...and I don't want to blow it. Being clean should be incentive enough not to...but for right now, I feel very overwhelmed. I just don't know what to do with myself. I haven't been sleeping very well. I am getting restless legs again, like I did when I was going through withdrawals. I am pacing the floors all night...just obsessing over this.

Overwhelmed is really the best word I can use to describe what I am feeling right now. I don't want to screw this up. I want to stay this course more than anything else in my life.

I just don't know if I am strong enough.

Nichole78

I am not an addict so I dont know what you are going through but I want you to know I have faith in you and I will be praying for you!:praying

Dee74

Stay in the day Cher. All you have to do tomorrow is what you did today - OK, days change...some days are harder, sure, but you've had hard days before and got through clean.

Trust yourself a little more.
We all messed up a time or ten...but then we got back on the right road.

And you're not alone - you have us here - still going to NA?
Thats another support base there.

But ultimately - I have faith in you
D

tbeit

Your doing the right thing.When I start having these thoughts I rat myself out.I call my sponsor or one of my friends in the program. I also tell my wife she's not an addict but she has food issues and understands cravings.I think your quote says it all its your turn to fly blackbird fly congradulations on finishing your IOP its a huge accomplishment and says just how much you want this good work

Missybuns

could it be possible you have a reservation?

I learned in my IOP experience that they'd helped me with some discovery about how addiction affects me personally. My counselor helped me to understand recovery happens once you move through the discovery stage. They gave me all the tools and direction necessary for me to take action with.

I do understand your fear. Seems like anything new and changed is a bit frightening.
With some perseverance you will do fine.

Do you have a plan action from here on out?

have faith,
Missy

40Thieves

Do I remember correctly that before IOP you put together quite a bit of clean time?? Wasn't it in a 12 step program?? IOP does hold one much more accountable with drug screens, but weren't you accountable to yourself prior to IOP? Maybe reframe that "freedom to do whatever you want" to "FREEDOM from addiction" and "FREEDOM to go back to your profession." That's really the freedom that you lost. And why not continue with IOP, since you are welcome and wanted, until you no longer feel the need? How great to feel valued, eh? I think the answers to a good night's sleep are there, right in front of you. I really wish you well and sweet dreams.
Love~40

Cherybaby66

Missy - I actually don't have a plan. I am thinking about what might be best to help me...but right now, nothing is coming to mind. I am so anxious. I am working myself up into panic attacks *and of course, I can't take any xanax to alleviate that*. I just wish I knew where to start. I am going to continue to go to my counselor, because he really has helped as have the group sessions I have been in. I guess that's a decent place to start.

40 - I have some clean time. Not much in the big scheme of things. It's about four months or so. I stopped counting. I know I have been clean for the three months of IOP. I was doing a lot of NA meetings in the beginning...but I just don't feel like they were doing me a lot of good at the time. I started the step work...got to about step four, but after that, I felt that I couldn't do the work without a sponsor. Had a very bad experience with my first sponsor. She used...and then called me to give me the blow by blow account of it. I felt like our roles reversed...and it disheartened me a great deal.

I guess I am just scared of the uncertain future. I felt very secure in IOP and now I feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me. I started crying in my last group on Tuesday because I am so scared to death. I just don't know that I can make it without that safeguard in place. I know the nursing board is going to monitor me again soon when they send their contract...but between now and then is what I am most afraid of.

I am also scared because one of the first things I thought about was having a beer on Sunday while watching football with my husband. Pizza, beer and football always went hand in hand. Never got drunk...never had a problem with alcohol. I'm not a drinker really. Actually, I think the last time I got "drunk" was at a Halloween party two years ago. But, it frightened me that that was one of my first thoughts with this new found freedom. If I could think that...what's going to keep me away from drugs? I don't want to open the floodgates.

I wish I could sleep. I am so angst ridden right now. My legs are going crazy...so restless. I feel like I am withdrawing again...the way it felt on day 5 or so...without the flu like symptoms. I am just pacing around. I keep calling my kids, my husband, my mother. I just feel like I need someone to talk me down tonight.

My husband will be back in town tomorrow. He has a magical hug...and it usually restores me when I am feeling like I am in crisis. I may even hit an early morning meeting tomorrow, because I have a feeling I am not going to sleep tonight.

I just wish this heaviness in my chest would go away. I haven't been this uptight and scared since I went through withdrawals. I felt like I was going to die...and right now, the way my heart is beating so fast...it feels the same.

They should have weeknight midnight meetings for people in crisis.

kj3880

Hey Cheri,
You may be right that you aren't finished needing help, and there's nothing to stop you getting as much help as you need or want. It's a good instinct to reach out. Amp up your meeting attendance, keep as busy as you can with work, meetings, service, step-work. Stay accountable to your sponsor and network (including here!)

And if you want, I'll give you my number so you can call me!

Love,
KJ

Cherybaby66

Can't work right now, KJ. Against nursing board rules for me to be working with a suspended license. I am trying to find other ways of keeping busy...going hour to hour right now. But, you know how that goes...it's like watching paint dry. I am just trying to get through to tomorrow. My husband will be home. I just need that extra support tonight.

I am going to continue going to the IOP classes even though I won't be mandated to go any longer after tomorrow night. I don't have a sponsor yet. Very hard to come by so far. Plenty of men in my recovery group...but the women don't have enough clean time...or less than I do. That's what I'm finding so far. I'm watching TV, reading, listening to music. Going to hit a hot shower or bath to alleviate these restless legs of mine. I think that's making matters worse. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up and have it be tomorrow. The nights are really long when you feel this way. I haven't felt like this since I relapsed. I just feel...distraught and overwhelmed.

Thank you for the offer to call. I'm going to try to woman up and see how long I can handle this on my own...but if anything changes, believe me, I will take you up on that!

you're a love. thank you!

emmer

Just remember, we are here for you.

I was a major mess when i hit bottom, but here i am over 8 months clean and I can tell you that seeking as much support as possible is a very good thing to do. Also, don;t forget to pray.
Stay away from people who are using and you'll do well.

Joe

Cherybaby66

I am listening to a song by Sonia Kitchell. It's called "Cold Day". There is one part that is really resonating with me right now.

"Every minute of everyday
She prays
That she will be strong
Enough to carry on.
But she feels like she is
just wasting away."

If you can find the song on YouTube, definately give it a listen. It really hits home for those who are struggling on the long nights.

emmer - I think that your story of recovery is amazing. I've followed your progress both here on in the HenHouse thread. I hit bottom awhile ago. It was a terrible time in my life. I never want to revisit it. That's part of what scares me. It's so close, you know? It's just a pill away. We are all so vulnerable in this disease process. I try to remember what the withdrawals were like. I can never do that to myself again. I am just afraid that I am not strong enough to do this on my own without IOP as my backup. I feel like I am being pushed out of the proverbial nest...and I'm just not ready to fly yet. I feel so weak right now. I am usually a pillar of strength...and I am thrilled with the progress I have made. It's just a lonely existance when you are fighting the cravings alone. I feel very isolated. I feel like no one understands...even when they have been there and done that.

I can't stop crying tonight. I just wish it were morning. It's so much better when you can get the sunshine on your face.

Impurrfect

((Chery)) - you still have my number? my e-mail address? I'm here if you want to talk. I am one who doesn't handle change well at all, even when it is a good change. I cling to the "comfortable" with my nails dug in for dear life, even when the change I am going toward is a good thing, if that makes sense.

I understand the fear, the uneasiness. To be honest, I still have times when I think I can do "something" and get away with it, and then I tell myself that at some point, I may want to get MY nursing license back and they will probably do a hair follicle drug test on me and that can go back for months. I AM looking for another job and who knows, some employer may go to that extreme but that's not what really stops me....it just gives me enough time to stop and think...do I REALLY want to do "something" - whether it's pills or crack, which would be what I would turn to.

With the clean time I have, you would think I'd never think about using, but I do..I've been pretty stressed out, lately. I just want you to know, because I don't want you to be hard on yourself. I just cling to my support peeps and SR, and put up whatever roadblocks in my head (like thinking of hair follicle tests) that works for me. The bad times have yet to be bad enough to go back to using.

I'm here if ya need me, sweetie. If you don't still have my number or e-mail, just pm me, okay?

Love, hugs, and prayers!

Amy

Vintersemestre

If you feel a craving to do something dumb, just spontaneously blow $120 on Anathema's entire catalogue like I did a few days ago, hahaha.

change4penny

Chery...I know how you feel. I felt like this right after getting out of rehab. I was scared to death of my new freedom and coming back home.
The way you're feeling is normal. Just stay focused, use the tools you have learned, and take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

As far as a beer on Sunday, watching football...I too never had a problem with alcohol. Actually, I could count on one hand how many times I've been drunk. But, with that said, every time I've had a beer, glass of wine, or mixed drink, it ALWAYS lead me to use or think of using.

Penny

Stagebear

As long as the IOP counselor invites you to attend, then attend.
I did that for months, offering feedback and taking what I could along the way. At first I thought it was a crutch, but it became a part of my foundation. I've also developed some sturdy AA relationships and was told clearly my example helped a few others stay aboard.
Why not commit to stop into IOP weekly? It helped me.

RobbyRobot

Absolutely!! Stagebear is sage in his words. and i ditto his experience.

After my residential program [3 months] i attended the day-program as often as possible. I was welcomed and it was beneficial for all of us, the giving back, just like it was while i was in treatment. That first few months of aftercare became the foundational sobriety that still gives back to me day in and day out.

Yes, commit into your IOP attendence. Since it works so well for you, don't pass it up. Allow your fears to be quenched rightly and justly.

Cheers!

SteppingItUp

Aww...!! Big hugs Chery!

I'll bet a whole lot of people in treatment feel the way you do when those last days roll around.

One thing to remember is this: you're not alone! Or perhaps more accurately, you're not alone if you choose not to be. I find it astounding that no matter how I've been feeling or what I've been facing, I know that there have been other addicts who have felt exactly the same way -- and have figured out exactly which tools they needed to use to get through each challenge clean.

As long as you're not using, you're succeeding.

With the current situation, it sounds like you've been having to surf that anxiety, which is not fun at all. But you know what? I really do think that sounds almost normal considering the changes you've been facing. If you feel that IOP is where you still need or want to be, and if they're happy to have you, then I see no reason for you not to continue until you feel more prepared.

I hope to communicate a few things, though. One is about dealing with anxiety without drugs. It is entirely possible. I used to suffer from fairly severe generalized anxiety. At the time, I had no idea that my drug use was making that -- and everything else -- much worse. Since getting off of drugs, I've had to deal with anxiety about lots of things, but my approach has had to change. From my experience, anxiety is definitely something that can be helped through cognitive changes. For me, I have found a ton of tools within the program, and some good tools outside of it too. That doesn't mean that I never get anxious. It just means that I don't have to use over anxiety, I don't need to get overwhelmed by it, I can see anxiety as a symptom of something else that might be going on, and I can either calm myself down to a significant degree, or I can ride it out and trust that it will pass. It will pass! Feelings are not facts!

Another thing that helps me is to recognize that the my addiction wants me to get anxious. In fact, if it can find an opportunity to get me anxious (or in almost any other negative state for that matter), it will use it to its advantage. The disease tries to gain better footing by knocking us down so that it might be better able to bite at our necks again. Once we're not using, it can't actually get at us without our permission. The using is the difference.

I so don't want to be that chick who won't drop the 12-step approach, but...if I could only communicate how unbelievably stubborn I was inside about not going, and how vault-thick my denial was when confronted with the power of addiction and my place as an addict -- and how much critical thinking was able to bring the program to make more sense to me, not less (which is the opposite of what some people assume early on) -- and how just having a drop of courage to give in and admit that maybe I could abstain alone, but that I couldn't recover in the same way by myself...well, I think you get the picture.

For me, being in recovery is as much about gaining better life skills as it is about staying clean. Addicts have been in my shoes before, and I don't have to reinvent the wheel if I choose not to do so. I think you brought up some really important points about what wasn't working the last time. In my opinion...no one should have a sponsor with 10 months. I needed to get creative in finding a sponsor because I need to work the steps in English. I have made it work, and I can't tell you how much having a true to life quality sponsor (who just celebrated 19 years clean) has made a difference in my experience of the entire program. I fought with myself over and over again about outside help. When it comes down to it though, this is finally one of the best choices I have ever made. It has taken a lot of humility -- and it hasn't been easy -- but every second seems to turn out as an investment that just keeps paying off. If you can't find the right woman in your group, perhaps you might want to try exploring other groups and asking around until you do find the right person. Also, none of us are supposed to work the steps alone. The suggestions exist for a reason -- I keep finding they are there simply and purely because of experience in what works and what doesn't.

I believe that NA is a blessing and a privilege -- I get to have it. No matter where in the world I go, I could potentially walk into a meeting and ask for help if I needed it. Try making the same thing happen with a therapist. You know what I mean? 12-steps are where the therapists and the doctors and the clergy come to recover too.

I think you've been really fortunate in having IOP support that has helped. I just want to assure you that it's totally possible to make recovery work even without that help. I don't know if I was ever actually clean for longer than a week or 10 days in over 12 years of drug use (including alcohol). I had a 6 year addiction to smoking heroin, which I kept under wraps but wound up abusing day and night. I got clean without detox between my bed and the floor (I remember you did it the old fashioned way too!). I didn't have treatment. I didn't have doctors or family support (only because I didn't ask for it). I had to deal with a relapsing partner, meetings in another language, biking home from them at midnight. I know it's still early in recovery, but Chery! If I can do that, then I know it can be done, and I have every single faith that you can figure out the road you need to travel -- and how to get to it.

By the way, there is an NA pamphlet that was made specifically for people who are getting ready to leave treatment, in case you want to check it out. This pamphlet and many more (along with other literature, including the Basic Text) can be found online at NA.org.

For Those in Treatment
http://na.org/admin/include/spaw2/up.../IP/EN3117.pdf

Stay with it Chery! It is so apparent, yes, even online, that you are just such a wonderful, beautiful, caring, bright and amazing woman. I want to see you get through this shining, and I know you can do it.

Have faith! There's one last thought that comes to mind, which I heard on a speaker tape and has been helping me recently. It's this: the level of my anxiety is a measure of the distance between me and my HP. Prayer - I don't have to know why it works, I just have to know it does.

Huge hugs!!

kj3880

Hi again Cheri,

I don't know why you want to try doing this alone. You know what they say: "An addict alone is in bad company." After all, when you're alone, you're with the last gal you used with! It sounds funny but it is true. And just remember, that when you call us, it helps us too. So please, don't hesitate to PM me for a number. It would be a privilege to call you a friend in my support network!

If you don't have a prospect for a face-to-face sponsor (as I didn't for a few months) pray for God to put that right woman in your life and just remain open-minded to look for them to pop up. In the meantime, you might consider some of the women on here. There are some women here who do sponsor online.

Another suggestion: Just because your license is suspended, doesn't mean you can't do other work. What other talents do you want to explore? Sales, home-care, billing, dog-grooming, cooking, cleaning, business? Or if you can't think of anything, why not use this time to pick up a little retail job over the holidays (you could do a store you like and take advantage of the employee discount for holiday shopping!).

Or use this time to pick up some classes in your specialty to boost your career for when you do go back. Or classes to learn something new, like a language? I am thinking of taking a Mediterranean cuisine course this winter. And I'm always taking a quilting class on an odd Saturday. Then, there's always the gym. Or walking. I'm never bored. In fact, I'm very excited about what can happen in my recovery life.

I hope something here helped. Change doesn't have to be bad.

Love,
KJ

christin1225

Cheri,
KJ is so right. Left to and by ourselves, we can talk ourselves into that beer. I had to call in sick today because my son is too sick for me to be gone that long. I ran to the store to get him some stuff and after I had to tell myself that it was foolish to think about anything in the beer isle, I had to tell myself to stop thinking about a sweet liquor from the liquor store and, believe it or not, like you, alcohol is not what I consider to be my problem (haven't had alcohol but once in almost twenty years). Yep! Alone is not good for an addict.

If your area is anything like mine, AA meetings outnumber NA meetings 20:1. So, if you have a lot of free time on your hands and you find security in a recovery environment, why not make it a mission to attend all the AA meetings in your area? Go ahead! Go wild! Attend 2 or 3 meetings a day. What the heck, you're almost on vacation... go to 4! I would also suggest that you give NA another shot. Have you attended all the NA meetings in your area?

If you keep your ears open, especially to hear who might make a good sponsor for you, I don't think that it'll take very long to find another sponsor. I love... forgot who's advice it was... to pray for God to send a sponsor to you. I believe that God sent me my sponsor.

Keep going to the meetings that you really enjoy and to any (even if they're not so hot) that fill up anytime that you're feeling vulnerable. I assure you that you're not the only one who benefits from the meetings that you attend. When you share, you help others. When we attend meetings, we not only receive, we give as well.