Fear
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Fear
Today, at 1 p.m., I'm going to my lawyer's office to deposit some money in the trust account, and to sign the divorce and custody proceedings. I'm not that concerned about the divorce proceedings going forward; my X and I had already agreed that I would be taking care of that.
What really sends my mind into panic is the safeguard order and provisional measures, asking that I be granted sole custody of my 16 month old baby, and that XH only be given supervised visitations. In addition, my detailed affidavit is very...um...detailed. It lists many of the problems I had had with my X, namely his excessive lies, his anger management issues, the verbal abuse, his lack of involvement in caring for our daughter, etc...
I KNOW that this is what I wanted, but now that I see it on paper, I'm afraid of what the repercussions will be. I'm pretty certain that once XH is served with papers, I can kiss my visits with my stepson goodbye, and that it'll be all out war for him. I've SEEN him go to war with his ex; he is capable of all kinds of nastiness and I'm honestly afraid of it. I'm so tired these days and don't feel like I've got the strength to handle more attacks from him.
In addition, the safeguard order also demands that he pay child support, which I don't want but am legally held to take, for the good of my daughter. I know this is going to **** him off even further, if that's even possible.
to make it all worse, tonight, he's picking up our daughter at her daycare and bringing her to his place. Since the safeguard order isn't in place, I didn't have grounds to refuse this visit, so my compromise was that I'd be at his place immediately after work, leaving her alone with him and my 12 year old stepson for about 50 minutes. Then I'll have to spend the evening with them both, smiling to their faces, when I know I'm about to stab my X in the back. God I feel horrid. I'm SO not used to being the one who ACTS and I'm fearful of the repercusions of my actions.
So, this morning, I'm asking for strength, words of wisdoms and lots of love from my good friends at SR.
What really sends my mind into panic is the safeguard order and provisional measures, asking that I be granted sole custody of my 16 month old baby, and that XH only be given supervised visitations. In addition, my detailed affidavit is very...um...detailed. It lists many of the problems I had had with my X, namely his excessive lies, his anger management issues, the verbal abuse, his lack of involvement in caring for our daughter, etc...
I KNOW that this is what I wanted, but now that I see it on paper, I'm afraid of what the repercussions will be. I'm pretty certain that once XH is served with papers, I can kiss my visits with my stepson goodbye, and that it'll be all out war for him. I've SEEN him go to war with his ex; he is capable of all kinds of nastiness and I'm honestly afraid of it. I'm so tired these days and don't feel like I've got the strength to handle more attacks from him.
In addition, the safeguard order also demands that he pay child support, which I don't want but am legally held to take, for the good of my daughter. I know this is going to **** him off even further, if that's even possible.
to make it all worse, tonight, he's picking up our daughter at her daycare and bringing her to his place. Since the safeguard order isn't in place, I didn't have grounds to refuse this visit, so my compromise was that I'd be at his place immediately after work, leaving her alone with him and my 12 year old stepson for about 50 minutes. Then I'll have to spend the evening with them both, smiling to their faces, when I know I'm about to stab my X in the back. God I feel horrid. I'm SO not used to being the one who ACTS and I'm fearful of the repercusions of my actions.
So, this morning, I'm asking for strength, words of wisdoms and lots of love from my good friends at SR.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
You are not stabbing him in the back! You are protecting your child due to HIS behavior.
I know that feeling well. I also had my exah served with custody papers for sole custody and supervised visits. I also had a detailed declaration attached. I remember the day he was to be served. I wanted to throw up. I had the process server call me to confirm and he said exah did not look happy. I was awarded sole custody and supervised visits. Best thing I ever did. I now await papers to overturn that from exah but who knows when. I will fight it with everything I have.
Remember, no matter what he says or does...it was his choices that made all of this happen. He knows that deep down but probably also knows that his hostility and abuse will maybe weaken you.
Stay strong! Protect that baby!
Oh, I would also try and find alternate care for your baby until this is set in stone. The courts will wonder why you allowed it one day and then fighting it the next. I know with no orders it will be tough, but try and get a relative or friend if you can.
I know that feeling well. I also had my exah served with custody papers for sole custody and supervised visits. I also had a detailed declaration attached. I remember the day he was to be served. I wanted to throw up. I had the process server call me to confirm and he said exah did not look happy. I was awarded sole custody and supervised visits. Best thing I ever did. I now await papers to overturn that from exah but who knows when. I will fight it with everything I have.
Remember, no matter what he says or does...it was his choices that made all of this happen. He knows that deep down but probably also knows that his hostility and abuse will maybe weaken you.
Stay strong! Protect that baby!
Oh, I would also try and find alternate care for your baby until this is set in stone. The courts will wonder why you allowed it one day and then fighting it the next. I know with no orders it will be tough, but try and get a relative or friend if you can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Ugh, so I didn't end up going because I noticed a few things needed to be modified in the detailed affidavit and the lawyer was nowhere to be found. I didn't want to trek over to her office only to have to go back in a few days...
A thing that I'm thinking needs addressing is the following statment:
"My husband's mother told me to get out of my marriage to save my life and my daughter's"
This is in essence true, but my X doesn't know that I spoke to his mother about him. He's always tried to keep her and I separate, but we get along really well. She told me, and my parents that she didn't want her son knowing that we'd spoken about him because he threatened to cut her off from her grandson, my stepson. Since she's in Nevada and we're in Canada, he could very well do this. I feel as though I need to discuss this statment with her before finalizing the affidavit...I think the statment has significant impact but at the same time, I don't want to jeopardize her relationship with my stepson.
A thing that I'm thinking needs addressing is the following statment:
"My husband's mother told me to get out of my marriage to save my life and my daughter's"
This is in essence true, but my X doesn't know that I spoke to his mother about him. He's always tried to keep her and I separate, but we get along really well. She told me, and my parents that she didn't want her son knowing that we'd spoken about him because he threatened to cut her off from her grandson, my stepson. Since she's in Nevada and we're in Canada, he could very well do this. I feel as though I need to discuss this statment with her before finalizing the affidavit...I think the statment has significant impact but at the same time, I don't want to jeopardize her relationship with my stepson.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((nodaybut2day)))))
Of course you are fearful of what ramifications will result from him being served with these new papers. He has 'conditioned' you to feel fear. His rants and raves and lord know what else are now part of your history with him.
You are NOT stabbing him in the back. These are consequences of HIS ACTIONS. If he 'amps' up his verbal and emotional abuse after the order is established, then you go back to your attorney and get a 'restraining order' which may entail the 'supervised visitation' being altered so that 'the supervisor' picks up your daughter, takes her to him and then after supervising the visit brings her back to you. So be it. That is 'in the future', just stay in today.
When you go tonight, keep that smile on your face, the AFLAC duck in the forefront of your mind and concentrate on your daughter and any needs she might have while there.
You can also remember and remind yourself that you are not alone, we are with you in spirit, use our strength to bolster yours.
Love and hugs,
Of course you are fearful of what ramifications will result from him being served with these new papers. He has 'conditioned' you to feel fear. His rants and raves and lord know what else are now part of your history with him.
You are NOT stabbing him in the back. These are consequences of HIS ACTIONS. If he 'amps' up his verbal and emotional abuse after the order is established, then you go back to your attorney and get a 'restraining order' which may entail the 'supervised visitation' being altered so that 'the supervisor' picks up your daughter, takes her to him and then after supervising the visit brings her back to you. So be it. That is 'in the future', just stay in today.
When you go tonight, keep that smile on your face, the AFLAC duck in the forefront of your mind and concentrate on your daughter and any needs she might have while there.
You can also remember and remind yourself that you are not alone, we are with you in spirit, use our strength to bolster yours.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
What do I say to this?
I'm sorry I'm constantly posting. I feel particularly needy and useless today, almost as if I can't do anything independently without checking in here.
My XH just sent me this:
Also, I intend to occassionaly leave work early to pick up the baby. I'll hang out for an hour or so, then meet you at Bonaventure whenever I do.
I want to be clear on the fact that the daycare is not under the impression that they need your permission to let me pick her up. Should they ever try to stop me or check with you before letting me we would immidiately drop any mediation.
Please respond to this so I know we're clear.
I can't stop him from picking her up until that safeguard order is in place and in the back of my head, I had hoped that he would just go away and not really be interested in seeing the baby so I wouldn't need to use it! I can't leave work everyday at 3:30 to prevent him from seeing her unsupervised.
I know he's trying to manipulate me, I just feel backed into a corner. I can't legally prevent him from taking his daughter right now, but if I let him, he might use the fact that he was able to take her unsupervised against me when I demand sole custody.
Ugh...how did it get to this? Why can't he just show up roaring drunk and solve my problems for me?!!
My XH just sent me this:
Also, I intend to occassionaly leave work early to pick up the baby. I'll hang out for an hour or so, then meet you at Bonaventure whenever I do.
I want to be clear on the fact that the daycare is not under the impression that they need your permission to let me pick her up. Should they ever try to stop me or check with you before letting me we would immidiately drop any mediation.
Please respond to this so I know we're clear.
I can't stop him from picking her up until that safeguard order is in place and in the back of my head, I had hoped that he would just go away and not really be interested in seeing the baby so I wouldn't need to use it! I can't leave work everyday at 3:30 to prevent him from seeing her unsupervised.
I know he's trying to manipulate me, I just feel backed into a corner. I can't legally prevent him from taking his daughter right now, but if I let him, he might use the fact that he was able to take her unsupervised against me when I demand sole custody.
Ugh...how did it get to this? Why can't he just show up roaring drunk and solve my problems for me?!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Breathe fear out, peace in...
This is the hardest, scariest part.
Once you get the papers signed, you will feel relieved as it is no longer in your hands, you will have it done.
Keep this message for CYA about the visitation. It is a threat.
What he says and what he does will not match up.
It didn't before and it won't in the future.
Ride it out like a storm.
There will be peace and calm after.
hugs!
This is the hardest, scariest part.
Once you get the papers signed, you will feel relieved as it is no longer in your hands, you will have it done.
Keep this message for CYA about the visitation. It is a threat.
What he says and what he does will not match up.
It didn't before and it won't in the future.
Ride it out like a storm.
There will be peace and calm after.
hugs!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 93
First...good job changing your name! Second...hang in there! I'm following in your footsteps so be a good leader OK?
I agree with Startingover2 that you are protecting your daughter. Your mom-in-law must know what he and the situation are capable of to offer those words to you. We all talk every day about how our alcoholic's say and do things to hurt us. Perhaps it's another ploy by him to keep you under his control and make you feel guilty. If you don't want to risk it and you think you have enough in the affadavit to proceed without the statement though....leave it out.
Good luck....will be thinking of you and anxious to hear what you decide.
I agree with Startingover2 that you are protecting your daughter. Your mom-in-law must know what he and the situation are capable of to offer those words to you. We all talk every day about how our alcoholic's say and do things to hurt us. Perhaps it's another ploy by him to keep you under his control and make you feel guilty. If you don't want to risk it and you think you have enough in the affadavit to proceed without the statement though....leave it out.
Good luck....will be thinking of you and anxious to hear what you decide.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Save this message, put in your documentation, it is a 'veiled threat.'
As to answering him, you don't have to right now. IF he persists, just say "I have to think about it." By the time you 'think about it' he will be served.
Just Keep AFLAC in the forefront of your brain tonight. Then as soon as possible, get little one out of there and home.
I don't believe you can do anything about the Day Care until the order is granted. Then they will need a copy of it to CYA them and allow them to call police if need be, if he tries to get her from day care. However, that is down the road.
Right now, tonight you don't have to answer him on this message. Just SAVE that message!!!!!
Have you in my prayers that tonight goes as smooth as it possible.
Love and hugs,
As to answering him, you don't have to right now. IF he persists, just say "I have to think about it." By the time you 'think about it' he will be served.
Just Keep AFLAC in the forefront of your brain tonight. Then as soon as possible, get little one out of there and home.
I don't believe you can do anything about the Day Care until the order is granted. Then they will need a copy of it to CYA them and allow them to call police if need be, if he tries to get her from day care. However, that is down the road.
Right now, tonight you don't have to answer him on this message. Just SAVE that message!!!!!
Have you in my prayers that tonight goes as smooth as it possible.
Love and hugs,
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
when I know I'm about to stab my X in the back.
You are NOT stabbing ANYBODY in the back, you are simply telling the truth and protecting you child instead of your adult alcoholic.
I covered for my drunken wife for a year while we were involved with CPS. When we were called to the school to discuss our 5 yo daughters behavior problems, I still covered for my wife and let my precious daughter fade the heat for her acting out because of the mess at home.
As I have said before, that was not my proudest moment.
But when I had had enough, I decided to protect my 5yo dd, instead of my adult alcoholic wife. It finally became obvious which one deserved my protection.
I "told the whole truth" in court with my axw sitting there looking at me, and yes I was afraid of repercussions as well.
Here's what I found out that day...... they are bullies, and bullies are cowards.
You protect your little girl from her father, if he ups the ante, you up the ante. I used to ask my axw if she wanted to go to jail.
Protecting our children is our number one job. It sucks when it's the other parent causing the danger, but it is what it is.
God bless you for having the courage to protect her.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
Why can't he just show up roaring drunk and solve my problems for me?!!
My axw got the DA's personal cell phone number off a fax in her lawyers office and called him at home, 10 pm, wasted and telling him off the night before our first custody hearing.
He was not very pleased with her.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by coyote21
He will, just have patience.
My axw got the DA's personal cell phone number off a fax in her lawyers office and called him at home, 10 pm, wasted and telling him off the night before our first custody hearing.
He was not very pleased with her.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
My axw got the DA's personal cell phone number off a fax in her lawyers office and called him at home, 10 pm, wasted and telling him off the night before our first custody hearing.
He was not very pleased with her.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
LOL,
L
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
