don't like the man but I miss the cuddles

Old 11-10-2009, 08:23 AM
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don't like the man but I miss the cuddles

How did you all deal with missing the physical aspect of your relationships as you moved apart and went your own ways? I'm not going to claim we had a great sex life or anything, but I already miss holding eachother and cuddling, the hugs and the kisses. I suppose I miss those feelings from the man I thought loved me and cared for me, and the man who THOUGHT he loved and cared for me, but I already feel so lonely and we haven't even made any divorce decisions or moved out. In fact we are still frequently sleeping in the same bed though we have not been intimate in probably 2 months.

Did you guys go back and 'test the waters' and in doing so realize that the feeling was not the same, so therefore you didn't miss it? I guess things seem to be going so quickly downhill and out the door that I haven't had a lot of time to adjust to the reality of never being close with this man again. It's hard and scary.. Any tips or thoughts? I'm crying just thinking about it..

It's crazy because he was selfish and still is, he is unreasonable, yet I still feel good being held. I suppose I'd feel a lot better being held but a much more loving person. But that doesn't change that this is what I'm used to.
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Old 11-10-2009, 08:35 AM
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Did you guys go back and 'test the waters' and in doing so realize that the feeling was not the sameso therefore you didn't miss it? 
I did. We were broken up for over a week and got back together late one Saturday night (about 2 weeks ago), we were both lonely. I could not get through the lovemaking without crying. I just sobbed. It WAS different, HE was different. He was not connected (he is also a meth addict).

That does not change the fact that I miss the way it was before, I have a problem with romanticizing the relationship, remembering the good times, the way it used to be. I have to remind myself, all the time...don't remember the way it USED to be, remember what it was like with him the last times we were together. I was MISERABLE and my life was uncontrollable.

I cuddle with my dog...my son will occasionally want a hug or to snuggle....but there is something written somewhere about how we go through not only emotional withdrawals but physical withdrawals....anyone?
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Old 11-10-2009, 08:37 AM
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How about investing in really cozy blankets and pillows?

Seriously, I can relate. My AH pushes me away both physically and emotionally unless he wants sex. Then he decides to turn on the charm and I always go back for more. Afterwards, we usually like each other for a little bit. We've been on this rollercoaster forever. I know it sounds pathetic and it is but I've been trying to make the best of a bad situation forever. I have my reasons.
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Old 11-10-2009, 08:41 AM
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Kudos to you for being able to separate the feeling from the person! What a big step forward!!



I had to learn to treat these kinds of feelings as a 'road map' to what I wanted and needed out of life.

When I missed being hugged or held, it wasn't that I missed the real him, or needed/wanted to go back to the ickiness of him. My mind was playing tricks on me.

It was simply my body telling me that one of the things I love in life is being hugged and held by someone who cares about me -- who loves me for me. (That was the illusion I had sold myself for years: that I was truly and deeply loved.) I found that going back to 'him' to satisfy this craving was terrible beyond words.

I had to use the road map to help me move on and (eventually) find a healthy situation where I could be held and feel good about it.

But there was a period where I did not get to have what I wanted (the holding). That was very hard for a while, but got easier when the "withdrawal" wore off. It also helped to build different kinds of touching into my life -- like regular hugs from kids/relatives/friends, partial or full massage, even going to the beauty salon and having someone fuss over me -- all of these things helped with the fundamental need for human touch, and they made me less and less likely to go back to the toxic source.

Sending you hugs of a different kind, maybe they will help you stay on the healthier track:



GL
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Old 11-10-2009, 09:04 AM
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The hardest part if you can imagine is the dog situation. I know if I leave my H then my baby, my doggie, goes with him. The dog has been with us since we first met, almost.. when we met we were together for a month, then I had to go back home for a few weeks. During that time he acquired this puppy. Therefore it is technically 'his dog'. That dog is the most wonderful, sweetest, cutest thing in the world and I love him with all my heart. My AH would take care of him OK, not neglect him or whatever, but definitely not take as good care of him as I would. I would/will miss that dog and the puppy cuddles more than anything.
It tears me apart to think this would be the end of my time with that puppy. About 3.5 years, the dog's whole life. It would probably kill the dog too
I wish I could get joint custody of the pet!!
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Old 11-10-2009, 09:42 AM
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I totally understand about the dog, too.

My ex got a puppy in Spring of this year, only because I encouraged him to go look at them (black lab pups)...he fell in love with one of them, and he technically got it (but I love the dog, too!). And he has always said he wouldn't have him if I hadn't told him to go looking.

Then over the summer, I got a mix pup...and these two dogs became best friends, plalyed all the time together, slept by each other, everything.

My dog seems to be just as sad as I am now that my x (and his dog) are gone.

They are part of the family, too.
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Old 11-10-2009, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by honoryourself View Post
Did you guys go back and 'test the waters' and in doing so realize that the feeling was not the same, so therefore you didn't miss it?
I am somewhat ashamed to say that a week or so after my XH and I agreed on separation, I slept with him. He cornered me in the kitchen when the lights were out and lay one on me; I melted. We'd always had good physical connection, and it's probably what brought us together initially. Unfortunately, the sex wasn't as awesome as I thought it would be. I kept thinking of other things, worrying about my baby in the other room, and when it was over, I realized that I'd made the right choice about leaving.

He told me that he wanted us to try being "boyfriend-girlfriend" after the dust settles; he thought that it might be the way for us to "work" (i.e. he comes over when he wants to feel like a dad and see his child for a bit, or because he horny and wants sex, but none of the commitment involved in a relationship). I didn't say anything but was internally revolted/pissed off.

Gradually, as the threats kept coming and as he continued to toy with me, the need for closeness with HIM disappeared. I invested in a few cuddly fleece blankets and wrap myself in them at night once my daughter is asleep.
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Old 11-10-2009, 10:57 AM
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Honor,

My ex has 3 dogs. One was left to him after his father died and that one became my dog when we were together. I have loads of pictures of him and miss him. I used to send the dog care packages when I was away at school.

Anyway, ex of course kept the dog despite telling me throughout our relationship that the dog was mine. I got a new puppy 6 weeks ago. I LOVE him. I do miss the other dog, but I know that dog is happy with the other 2, and Marvin (new puppy) and I are very much in love.
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Old 11-10-2009, 11:06 AM
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Aw, I'd love to have a dog no matter what but it is a big responsibility. It's been hard with the dog we do have. I doubt I'd be able to train a new puppy, and in my heart I'd feel pretty guilty about replacing my true love puppy with a new one

I can't think about this now, making me cry...

I just got the signal today that my AH is "not sure what he wants any more", in a calm, controlled voice. He indicated it to my father when they met for lunch today and my dad told him it was important for us to talk and sort out what our next step was, because the yelling and screaming wasn't getting anywhere and we both needed to know how to get on with our lives. Apparently the idea of divorce is not so foreign to him as I thought it was. I admit now I have thoughts in my mind that he may have had an indiscretion or two in the past month since he's been staying away at friends houses that I don't know. I don't know, and I guess it's not important. It's just hard to think that I may never be with this man again.
Ouch!

I'm sitting at work breaking down crying in between tasks. Not easy at all!!


I guess I need to get off my butt and do those pre-separation things I could have started on a week ago. I never called the third-referred laywer, never called the cc companies, etc. I think that all made it feel to real.
Ugh, I feel sick and like my face might explode in tears.

Deep breath.. get through the day. One day at a time, right?
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Old 11-10-2009, 07:53 PM
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That was one of the hardest things for me too. Not only did I lose a boyfriend, but his dog as well. I had started to think of her as my dog too. She is the sweetest thing ever and the most perfect dog and I truly loved her with all my heart. It was devastating to me when we had the final blow out and I had to push her away. She was always so excited to see me and would follow me everywhere. I had to push her away because I knew she wasn't going to be in my life anymore and it was an extra stab in the heart. I tried to adopt another dog, but it just didn't work out.

I really miss that sweet dog.....She was the best part of him really...

Originally Posted by honoryourself View Post
The hardest part if you can imagine is the dog situation. I know if I leave my H then my baby, my doggie, goes with him. The dog has been with us since we first met, almost.. when we met we were together for a month, then I had to go back home for a few weeks. During that time he acquired this puppy. Therefore it is technically 'his dog'. That dog is the most wonderful, sweetest, cutest thing in the world and I love him with all my heart. My AH would take care of him OK, not neglect him or whatever, but definitely not take as good care of him as I would. I would/will miss that dog and the puppy cuddles more than anything.
It tears me apart to think this would be the end of my time with that puppy. About 3.5 years, the dog's whole life. It would probably kill the dog too
I wish I could get joint custody of the pet!!
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Old 11-10-2009, 08:06 PM
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I know this is going to sound really stupid, because it did to me at the time, lol.

My therapist told me to hug myself whenever I needed a hug. Literally wrap my arms around myself and comfort me. (see, I told you it would sound stupid!)

Did it fill the need to be hugged by someone who loved me? Nope. But, slowly I realized that being hugged by my husband didn't fill that need either. And through the process, even though it felt ridiculous to me, I learned to love myself. I learned that I can depend on me, and count on me when things get rough. And even though it feels silly, I still do it sometimes, just to remind me that I am here for me.

I much prefer a hug from my children or my new BF, but I don't need those to get through life. I can give myself what I need in a pinch now. Crazy, but true.

L
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