sodetermined

I saw my new therapist for the first time on Friday. They say you have to find the right one, and I think I have finally found her. She referred me to a good CODA meeting, loaned me "Facing Codependency" and some other reading material. She told me the last therapist (the one who said she doesn't believe in "codependency" didn't know what she was talking about). I am hopeful that working with her once a week, combined with the psychiatrist who can hopefully help me with my depression, will help me cross this bridge I have been stuck on. I have a very good start on my book.

The weekend with C was not a good one. He spent Friday with me, and all day Saturday, but was grouchy, and pretty much a couch potato (except when he drank his rum WHILE we were trick or treating). I think that's the nicest he was all weekend besides when he got up and left yesterday morning (to go "work on his truck", which is really "go get high"). He promised me before he left to be home by 2:30, to work on drywall that needed fixing, that he would spend a few hours with us before going bow hunting. Around 4:00, I tried contacting him through his friend (where he spends his time). An hour or so later, he tried calling from his friend's phone, 4 times. I had my phone on vibrate and was cooking dinner so I missed his calls. He didn't leave a message. It was all I had not to become a complete mess, I got my book out, started reading. I think it did help to calm my anxiety.

He called around quarter to 7, from his mom's. I think initially he was trying to feel me out. He started in about how he had tried calling for a ride, etc. I said well you could have left a message. I told him that I am tired of trying to control him and beg him to be with me, and that I am tired of being angry and not getting my needs met. I told him he is disrespectful to me and that we do not want the same things. He tried making excuses and I told him not to even bother. The weird part is that I didn't "flip out", and I told him that I wasn't even angry. And I was a little, but nothing extreme. I told him I had to go, that my phone was breaking up.

I have been to this point before....but always answer the phone, always eventually cave. And I am ok today, but am really waiting for the flood of emotions to hit, I am scared...because I can't believe how calm I am. I'm sure it will hit and I'm going to have to find a way to be strong.

I am so tired of waiting/wondering/worrying/obsessing/begging him to want to be with me or to be the man I want...I have to find a way to put actions behind my words this time.
__________________
I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've have enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

Ann

It takes time, and it takes practice, but I think you're doing fine.

So glad you found a therapist who is helpful . I remember my first therapist...all she ever said was "get over it". That's it, she had no other words except "get over it". Well, DUH, it took me a long time to trust a second therapist who was as wonderful as the first one was useless.

CoDA is my home fellowship, and I hope you give those meetings a try. They literally saved my life and helped me make it worth living again.

Big hugs to you, it WILL get better, just keep doing the "do" things and I promise that one day
you will wake up and say "Dang! That Ann TOLD me it would get better and it did"

sodetermined

C called me last night (from his friend's home phone, so I didn't recognize the number). He asked where I was, what I was doing. Then he asked me if I wanted to "see each other" tonight. I know that this really means, "I have been high for 2 days and I'm horny, can I crash at your place tonight?". I told him no. I told him that I asked him yesterday to call only when he's ready to be serious about the relationship and ready to give up all his "stuff". Of course I had to bring up the day before, why I didn't want him coming home then...followed by "I just called to see if you wanted to see each other, I didn't need a bitch session." After hanging up, I admit I was a little on the anxious side, and obsessing over him...but then after awhile I was almost disgusted by it. And also reassured that he just really doesn't get it, any of it. I told him I wanted to change, I told him I wouldn't tolerate the "hot and cold" anymore. Of course, over the course of the last 4 1/2 years, I have also showed him that I say one thing and do another.

I think it takes a lot of nerve to blow somebody off one day, have them confront you about it, then turn around the next day and call because you are expecting sex...I know I could never do it.

Seren

((((sodetermined))))

If you would not find it to be acceptable behavior in yourself, it shouldn't be acceptable behavior in him either........

Glad you like the new therapist!!! Keep up the good work!

Hugs, HG