Jail, Fear, and a Realization (a little long)
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Jail, Fear, and a Realization (a little long)
I've come to the realization that jail may be the best thing that could happen for my son. Not for paid consequences, or his debt to society, but for him.
It may be the only chance for him to begin to heal.
My son attended rehab back when he was 19...he's 24 now. He did well after, until an accident provided him with buckets full of pain killers and the spiral began. I've given up blaming that, me, him or anyone else. It is what it is and he has a problem. He's a good kid that now uses to maintain, the fun is gone and I've come to know him as the addict he is. He doesn't want this life anymore than I want him to live this way so its difficult to stay mad at him. Its even more difficult when I pity him.
My daughters BF recently found himself in an unfortunate incarceration (term taken from a sit-com long ago
) that has him spending four days in jail waiting to be processed so the mishap (of the court system ) can be cleared up. He doesn't deserve to be there.
My son HAS to have bench warrants out, so its only a matter of time. But he NEEDS to be there. He has tried rehabs, but as soon as it gets past the detox and time to bite the bullet, he runs. You can't run from jail. He needs to have a locked door to begin to heal.
And to think that my fear was always jail.
At least I am able to live my life without fear for his. What used to be a terrible option I now think of as a possible opportunity.
Three hots and a cot they say...sounds like a plan
It may be the only chance for him to begin to heal.
My son attended rehab back when he was 19...he's 24 now. He did well after, until an accident provided him with buckets full of pain killers and the spiral began. I've given up blaming that, me, him or anyone else. It is what it is and he has a problem. He's a good kid that now uses to maintain, the fun is gone and I've come to know him as the addict he is. He doesn't want this life anymore than I want him to live this way so its difficult to stay mad at him. Its even more difficult when I pity him.
My daughters BF recently found himself in an unfortunate incarceration (term taken from a sit-com long ago
) that has him spending four days in jail waiting to be processed so the mishap (of the court system ) can be cleared up. He doesn't deserve to be there.My son HAS to have bench warrants out, so its only a matter of time. But he NEEDS to be there. He has tried rehabs, but as soon as it gets past the detox and time to bite the bullet, he runs. You can't run from jail. He needs to have a locked door to begin to heal.
And to think that my fear was always jail.
At least I am able to live my life without fear for his. What used to be a terrible option I now think of as a possible opportunity.
Three hots and a cot they say...sounds like a plan
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 88
Cece,
I know exactly how you feel. My fear for my son was always jail too. No one in our family ever had trouble with the law in fact my grandfather was Chief of Police in our town. My son is a heroin addict who was doing what he needed to to survive. He has gone to several rehabs willingly but after a while relapses. His last rehab sent him to CA for long term treatment (we live in PA). He did well for a year and loved it out there and stayed. He relapsed last Jan. and was worse than before. As mad as I was at him a part of me always felt sorry for him because I know no one would ever choose this life. Long story short he ended up getting arrested, we bailed him out he completed another rehab but wanted to stay longer however we could not afford the 13,000.00 to keep him there another month. He got arrested again. This time we left him in jail. We did hire a lawyer because of the seriousness of having two charges. He was in jail for a little over 2 months awaiting sentencing and he agreed he needed to be there. He knows what he has to do but can not stop himself. I totally understand this feeling because I have struggled with my weight the past few years and always say I'll be good after I eat this. He said he got over confident and stopped doing what he needed to do like going to meetings. He in now in a court ordered year long drug treatment program that is very strict. He likes it there and says it is fine if you do what you are told. He has been clean for 3 months and is talking about going back to school to become a drug counselor. When he was arrested I was beside myself and everyone in recovery out in CA kept telling me this is a good thing, it is what helped them. Well I now know they were right. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, he is 25 years old and has 2 felonies on his record but for today he is doing well. So as awful as we think it is sometimes you are right jail can be a turning point. It gave my son the opportunity to get clean time behind him and to get a taste of what his life will be like if he does not change it. It was hard talking on the phone to him while he was in there but I slept better because I knew he was safe. Hugs and prayers to you and your son.
I know exactly how you feel. My fear for my son was always jail too. No one in our family ever had trouble with the law in fact my grandfather was Chief of Police in our town. My son is a heroin addict who was doing what he needed to to survive. He has gone to several rehabs willingly but after a while relapses. His last rehab sent him to CA for long term treatment (we live in PA). He did well for a year and loved it out there and stayed. He relapsed last Jan. and was worse than before. As mad as I was at him a part of me always felt sorry for him because I know no one would ever choose this life. Long story short he ended up getting arrested, we bailed him out he completed another rehab but wanted to stay longer however we could not afford the 13,000.00 to keep him there another month. He got arrested again. This time we left him in jail. We did hire a lawyer because of the seriousness of having two charges. He was in jail for a little over 2 months awaiting sentencing and he agreed he needed to be there. He knows what he has to do but can not stop himself. I totally understand this feeling because I have struggled with my weight the past few years and always say I'll be good after I eat this. He said he got over confident and stopped doing what he needed to do like going to meetings. He in now in a court ordered year long drug treatment program that is very strict. He likes it there and says it is fine if you do what you are told. He has been clean for 3 months and is talking about going back to school to become a drug counselor. When he was arrested I was beside myself and everyone in recovery out in CA kept telling me this is a good thing, it is what helped them. Well I now know they were right. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, he is 25 years old and has 2 felonies on his record but for today he is doing well. So as awful as we think it is sometimes you are right jail can be a turning point. It gave my son the opportunity to get clean time behind him and to get a taste of what his life will be like if he does not change it. It was hard talking on the phone to him while he was in there but I slept better because I knew he was safe. Hugs and prayers to you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I envy communities where corruption isn't rampant. Jail is a scary proposition in my area. CCA is dominant in my state and there have been many lawsuits for escapes with terrible outcomes, then wrongful death, abuse, sexual assault, etc committed by the jailers themselves. Locally, our city police allow 18 year olds to be police officers and that bad idea is reflected by lawsuits as well. Our county jail has been sued numerous times for most of the stuff I listed. The sickest of the sick and weakest of the weak don't stand a chance. There are always half ass attempts at reform, firings and criminal charges after public outcry and our tax dollars paying for these lawsuits, but it eventually reverts back to status quo. The citizens in my community have legitimately asked if an FBI intervention is needed.
It is the reason my husband refuses to let our daughter sit in jail longer than a day.
It is the reason my husband refuses to let our daughter sit in jail longer than a day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Jail was MY turning point. I spent a month in the county jail, then 4-1/2 months in a diversion center, which is like a work-release..I was in custody but had a job and had to pay rent! I did relapse once, but it was the thought that if I got caught, my probation violation would send me to prison that got me back home and on the recovery path again.
((Chino)) - I understand the corruption thing, too. We have some of it here, though not nearly as bad as what it sounds like there. My niece's "dad" is sitting in jail for breaking INTO the jail evidence room and stealing drugs/guns/money but is trying to say he knows something about the corruption to get a "deal". He was working for the fire dept. and it's all over the news "---county hires felon firefighters". He is one of those who needs to stay in jail for a long, long time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((Chino)) - I understand the corruption thing, too. We have some of it here, though not nearly as bad as what it sounds like there. My niece's "dad" is sitting in jail for breaking INTO the jail evidence room and stealing drugs/guns/money but is trying to say he knows something about the corruption to get a "deal". He was working for the fire dept. and it's all over the news "---county hires felon firefighters". He is one of those who needs to stay in jail for a long, long time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I know corruption exists everywhere but this good ole boy mentality in my area adds a cultural sadistic twist to it. If we lived one county over we wouldn't be dealing with CCA and the rest of it.
I never feared the stigma of jail with my daughter and always felt it would do her some good, especially after reading yours and others stories. Three hots and a cot while staying locked in a cell, going through cold turkey detox, would probably leave a lasting impression. Bare bones detox and rehab even! with in house AA meetings to boot. I know it would make a world of difference.
I never feared the stigma of jail with my daughter and always felt it would do her some good, especially after reading yours and others stories. Three hots and a cot while staying locked in a cell, going through cold turkey detox, would probably leave a lasting impression. Bare bones detox and rehab even! with in house AA meetings to boot. I know it would make a world of difference.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Chino)) - I do understand...there's a county in GA I can't stand to even drive through, they are so corrupt. I'm afraid if I got any kind of traffic ticket, I'd be sentenced to life!
((Cece)) - sounds like he's going to end up with the 3 hots and a cot. It will be when HP decides it's time. I've always decided that HP got tired of waiting for ME to begin my path to recovery, so he took the choice out of my hands the night I got locked up!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((Cece)) - sounds like he's going to end up with the 3 hots and a cot. It will be when HP decides it's time. I've always decided that HP got tired of waiting for ME to begin my path to recovery, so he took the choice out of my hands the night I got locked up!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I maintain that sometimes God's gifts come strangely wrapped, and jail has been one of those gifts for many of us. It's not where we dreamed our kids would end up, it's not something we announce proudly on the social pages of our home town newspaper...but it may be what saves our kid's life.
And it may not always be safe in jail, but it is a lot safer than on the street with unlimited access to drugs.
Keeping your son in my prayers, Cece, and also your daughter's bf.
Hugs
And it may not always be safe in jail, but it is a lot safer than on the street with unlimited access to drugs.
Keeping your son in my prayers, Cece, and also your daughter's bf.
Hugs
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
The only time that I could actually sleep through a night was when my son
was incarcerated. I knew that it was hellish for him and the comforts were
few and far between. During his time away,my husband and I had time to
come together as a couple, we learned to smile ( it almost hurt). I laughed
out loud one day reading whatever, he said you know lauren I thought you
forgot spontaneous joy. It was a sad time and a learning time for both him
and us his mom and dad. He is an only child and we had to re-learn our life
as he had to do as well.
He was released and did choose not to do drugs for two years, the longest that
he was held captive as he states..the longest, we as parents were separated
and his first request on getting out was to touch us..feel our feelings..it was
odd and strange.
So far he has come to an appreciation stage, whenever he back slides in his
thinking he reminds himself of what he didn't have and what he does have and
that is family, the true value for him was us and he is keeping that thought
foremost..so he says..
We will see, jail is not heaven..it is not hell..it is a time for reflection..and another
stage of life that they must overcome..not us.
Peace cece..let it happen as it must.
lauren
was incarcerated. I knew that it was hellish for him and the comforts were
few and far between. During his time away,my husband and I had time to
come together as a couple, we learned to smile ( it almost hurt). I laughed
out loud one day reading whatever, he said you know lauren I thought you
forgot spontaneous joy. It was a sad time and a learning time for both him
and us his mom and dad. He is an only child and we had to re-learn our life
as he had to do as well.
He was released and did choose not to do drugs for two years, the longest that
he was held captive as he states..the longest, we as parents were separated
and his first request on getting out was to touch us..feel our feelings..it was
odd and strange.
So far he has come to an appreciation stage, whenever he back slides in his
thinking he reminds himself of what he didn't have and what he does have and
that is family, the true value for him was us and he is keeping that thought
foremost..so he says..
We will see, jail is not heaven..it is not hell..it is a time for reflection..and another
stage of life that they must overcome..not us.
Peace cece..let it happen as it must.
lauren
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hey Cece,
You know I don't believe in coincidences. I think it "interesting" that my daughter had offered to her another chance at inpatient when she was so vulnerable, I thought for sure she would grab it. She was sitting in a psych ward and they had just diagnosed her with meth-induced psychosis. But she turned the rehab - which was for co-occuring conditions - turned it down flat.
That very night she was arrested for a failure to appear warrant, which would have had her out in days or a week or so. But she assaulted the cop, cause she was still crazy, and ended up getting a substantial amount of time - 6 months.
I don't think it was coincidence. She NEEDS inpatient. At the very least, she needs to be locked away from her drug of choice. And voila... she got what she needed.
She has another charge pending because she assaulted a guard while she was still psychotic. I figure if it adds to her time, then that might be what she needs as well.
I do sleep at night, mostly, with her locked up. Maybe *I* am learning something as well.
((hugs))
You know I don't believe in coincidences.
I think it "interesting" that my daughter had offered to her another chance at inpatient when she was so vulnerable, I thought for sure she would grab it. She was sitting in a psych ward and they had just diagnosed her with meth-induced psychosis. But she turned the rehab - which was for co-occuring conditions - turned it down flat.That very night she was arrested for a failure to appear warrant, which would have had her out in days or a week or so. But she assaulted the cop, cause she was still crazy, and ended up getting a substantial amount of time - 6 months.
I don't think it was coincidence. She NEEDS inpatient. At the very least, she needs to be locked away from her drug of choice. And voila... she got what she needed.
She has another charge pending because she assaulted a guard while she was still psychotic. I figure if it adds to her time, then that might be what she needs as well.
I do sleep at night, mostly, with her locked up. Maybe *I* am learning something as well.
((hugs))
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
Hello Cece,
I don't know if i can say "i hope you got your prayer answered" because that would be wrong to basically say "i hope your son goes to prison" but you know what i mean, right? ;P We're a weird bunch i tell you!
Anyway, it does make me feel a bif better reading all the above posts about prison being helpful and a turning point for some. Rain is no longer 20ish and is now 35! and yet here he is...going to rehab when he was 19, 24, 31 and 34...to jail this time.
He seems to really be shaken by his new ordeal so who knows, might help...
Thinking of you & son
Carine
I don't know if i can say "i hope you got your prayer answered" because that would be wrong to basically say "i hope your son goes to prison" but you know what i mean, right? ;P We're a weird bunch i tell you!
Anyway, it does make me feel a bif better reading all the above posts about prison being helpful and a turning point for some. Rain is no longer 20ish and is now 35! and yet here he is...going to rehab when he was 19, 24, 31 and 34...to jail this time.
He seems to really be shaken by his new ordeal so who knows, might help...
Thinking of you & son
Carine
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((Cece))))) I do understand....I always felt that especially with the drugs that really mess with your brain, long term treatment or just being locked away somewhere long term would give our kids a fighting chance. It would help them to start healing enough that they could actually make the choice to stay clean. Hugs...I really hope he gets what he needs soon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Cece, your posting is all to familiar. My AS is 22 hopefully going to Jail on the 27th of November. He has had numerous charges but somehow always manages to beat them or whatever. So many people told me jail would do him no good " what he needed was rehab" He has been in 4 rehabs each time relapsing or not finishing the program. He has never paid the consequences for his criminal acts. Jail was always my fear at this point I see no harm in it. Atleast I will know he is safe, he will not have access to drugs, and he will have to follow a strict regimen instead of sleeping half the day and planning and plotting where he can get money to buy drugs. Prayers to you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 10
Hi... just though I would add my two cents. I have a 22 year old AS, we just discovered this fact 4 weeks ago. It has been the longest 4 weeks of my life. He is trying outpatient rehab. We have noticed big personality changes. He came out to eat with all of us on Sunday, something he hasn't done in about 2 years! He is less violent at home. Swearing and yelling less. I'm hopeful, but still not trusting him. My cousin who is in his late 50's had a long history of shooting heroin some how ended up in another state committed robbery with a dangerous weapon and served time in prison. He was released with the clothes on his back, no family or friends in the area, slept on a park bench for 8 months. Did not talk to any of us for almost 10 years... that prison sentence and park bench changed his life. He has been clean for many, many years now. I don't want my son to spend time in prison or on a park bench.... but I want him to be clean. Sometimes it takes rock bottom to wake you up!
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