pennylane2009

Part of the reason I drink is to stuff down emotions and avoid conflict. For years, DH and I have had issues over conflicting parenting styles. Last night, he came to me with a parenting issue, and we had wildly disparate views on how to approach it.

In the past, when I was drinking, the conversation would have gone like this: DH brings up topic, I tell him he's completely wrong and practically clueless about the ways of parenting, he gets defensive and shoots back, I clam up and either burst into tears or am unable to express what I'm feeling, and nothing gets resolved. Or, I would cave in and let him do it his way, and feel resentful. Ultimately, one of the children would get yelled at, and we would all feel like crap.

Last night, the topic came up, I listened (really, honestly listened) to what he was concerned about, expressed how I was feeling about the topic, he shot back, I again listened (shocker!) and was still able to stand my ground. The child in question wandered into the kitchen and we sat the child down and had a rational discussion. Not sure if the behavior issue will change, but I liked how it all went last night.

In my very black-and-white mind, I had been so nervous about trying to deal with this issue with DH. I have been trying for years to get things to change, and have resigned myself to thinking I either need to accept that we'll have a dysfunctional family, or we'll have to divorce (which is really not an option for me, since he's my best friend and I adore him outside of these parenting issues, so I was really facing accepting the fact that things weren't going to change.) And now, all of the sudden, I'm thinking ... Hey, maybe there's a chance for something else to happen here ... something better than I expected.

That's pretty cool.

ashleek

Good for you Penny! One small step at a time.

Tazman53

Good deal Penny, in sobriety I have found that with the exception of me drinking the world is not ALL BLACK or WHITE, there are varying shades of grey, if I listen to others, I find that they listen to me, we express our views/opinions like adults, some times we agree to disagree, sometimes we come to a comprimise, other times one of us may acknowledge that we are wrong..... It is all okay, some things we simply accept because we can not change them, and other things we work at because we can change them..... when I say them in this case I am not talking about changing people, but mainly myself & my opinion or view.

Horselover

Most definitely cool! Big victory - not small. That's the only think I disagree with. LOL!

Husband and I always fought about many things. Mostly I could not recall the argument or the purpose to the argument the next day. Real stupid stuff. We don't argue like that any more. I remember now! Ha!

Good for you Penny.

Dee74

I love hearing about all the other positive changes in peeps recovery
Thanks Penny

D

joedris

Penny, It looks like things are going your way. If you still have some nagging uncertainties about parenting and your DH, you might want to consider some marital counseling. That helped my wife and me when I first got sober. If you opt to go this route, make sure the counselor is experienced is dealing with addictions, too.

Missybuns

ok enlighten me what exactly does DH stand for?....I am thinking the H is "husband"...what's the D for ? I thought it was "divorced"....but then the original post said divorce is not an option.

please help,
Missy

Anna

That's a great post, Penny!

My husband and I had very different views about parenting. I really liked having a schedule and specified bedtimes, that kind of thing. He was much more easy-going. At times, it was really hard to balance the two, but our kids turned out great.

The other point I want to make is that one change in your life can have such a ripple effect. I hope that continues for you.

Dee74

'Dear husband' usually...my partner might have other ideas though...

D