I don't understand why it's so hard.
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I don't understand why it's so hard.
When you know all there is to know, why is it still so hard to walk away?
I can give myself a million reasons to leave. And I know they are all good reasons. Heck, there are times I look back on something and wonder why on earth I stayed as long as I did anyway. I can tell myself I don't want to live this way or live that way or hear this or hear that. And all of it is the truth. I really am sick and tired of being sick and tired of it.
I don't really fight off the urge to call anymore....the urge to call just isn't there. Used to be loneliness would set in and the first thing I'd do is reach for the phone to call him. 9 times out of 10 I'd hang up disappointed, I knew the call would end the way it did (usually in a disagreement between the two of us about anything). I still know that's what would happen. But the urge to call just isn't there....I'd rather pick up a book or watch tv anymore.
My heart used to sink every time I'd hear his ring tone on my phone. He calls on and off still. I didn't even bother going through the trouble of changing my number again. What's the point, he'll get it anyway. But my heart doesn't sink anymore. My eyes don't roll into the back of my head with the "oh gawd" feeling of "do I HAVE to do this right now???". Now it rings and it's like okay, whatever, lets get this over with.
I'd get a little anxious when I'd run into mutual friends or even his sisters. Saw someone earlier today and talked to her like it was some stranger. Had no emotions over the run in. Just said hello and goodbye, no big deal.
Got a bill forwarded to me today that he racked up months after I moved out. I forgot about the account when I left (it was in my name). I looked at this bill with "final notice, small claims court in 10 days" in bright red letters on the statement. I called the company, asked about it. They said $60 was due in their office by the 31st to avoid legal action. I said okay, I'd be in Friday morning to pay it. Once up on a time I would have called him and yelled at him for it. I would have been angry, disappointed, upset, disgusted. But tonight all I did was shrug my shoulders, big deal.
Had an old friend from high school call me a week ago, out of the blue. It was a pleasant surprise. We talked for hours about nothing and everything. Six months ago I would have been fearful. This is a male friend, all we ever were. But six months ago I wouldn't have answered, afraid if xabf found out what would have happened. But I took those chains down and I'm okay with....I WANT....friends again. Goofy, chit-chatty relationships with other people. I want to mingle again.
I could go on and on. I look at these things; the way I and my life have changed so much in the last few months and I have a new sense of calm and relief from old madness. I know I'm doing better and I'm happy with this better. I don't want things the way they used to be. I can honestly say that.
So if I know this, if I see how it was and how it is now and am so much happier with now, why is it still so hard?
I've heard it said many times that what he does with his life, if he chooses to drink his days away, that it doesn't affect me. That I can move on with my life and be okay without him (and the last few months have proved that to me). But the fact is it does affect me, it has affected me.
Six months or so ago I thought maybe I had fallen out of love with xabf. But I've put some thought into it the last week or so now and realized I haven't really fallen out of love with him; it's my idea of what love is is different then his. He sees his sisters as loving him because they buy his beer, drink with him, etc etc. I see my love for him because I won't buy his beer, I don't drink with him. It's not that I don't love him, it's that I don't love him the way he wants me to love him.
I want my life back. I want to come home to open arms and go to bed with the man I love and talk to my best friend. But I know that person I'm looking for and that person I'm wanting is long gone. Someone I'll never, ever have back again. I'm not an idiot, I know that. I accepted that a long time ago.
Am I lonely? Am I angry? I have no desire to call him, I know where it'll end up. Once upon a time I'd call because I knew where the conversation would go and in the end it would simply have been a reminder of why I left him in the first place. But that desire for a reminder is gone. I have plenty of reminders plastered in my head.
I have a good life now, one that I am content with. Far from where I want to be but still a better place than where I was.
I guess I just don't understand why it's still so hard.
I can give myself a million reasons to leave. And I know they are all good reasons. Heck, there are times I look back on something and wonder why on earth I stayed as long as I did anyway. I can tell myself I don't want to live this way or live that way or hear this or hear that. And all of it is the truth. I really am sick and tired of being sick and tired of it.
I don't really fight off the urge to call anymore....the urge to call just isn't there. Used to be loneliness would set in and the first thing I'd do is reach for the phone to call him. 9 times out of 10 I'd hang up disappointed, I knew the call would end the way it did (usually in a disagreement between the two of us about anything). I still know that's what would happen. But the urge to call just isn't there....I'd rather pick up a book or watch tv anymore.
My heart used to sink every time I'd hear his ring tone on my phone. He calls on and off still. I didn't even bother going through the trouble of changing my number again. What's the point, he'll get it anyway. But my heart doesn't sink anymore. My eyes don't roll into the back of my head with the "oh gawd" feeling of "do I HAVE to do this right now???". Now it rings and it's like okay, whatever, lets get this over with.
I'd get a little anxious when I'd run into mutual friends or even his sisters. Saw someone earlier today and talked to her like it was some stranger. Had no emotions over the run in. Just said hello and goodbye, no big deal.
Got a bill forwarded to me today that he racked up months after I moved out. I forgot about the account when I left (it was in my name). I looked at this bill with "final notice, small claims court in 10 days" in bright red letters on the statement. I called the company, asked about it. They said $60 was due in their office by the 31st to avoid legal action. I said okay, I'd be in Friday morning to pay it. Once up on a time I would have called him and yelled at him for it. I would have been angry, disappointed, upset, disgusted. But tonight all I did was shrug my shoulders, big deal.
Had an old friend from high school call me a week ago, out of the blue. It was a pleasant surprise. We talked for hours about nothing and everything. Six months ago I would have been fearful. This is a male friend, all we ever were. But six months ago I wouldn't have answered, afraid if xabf found out what would have happened. But I took those chains down and I'm okay with....I WANT....friends again. Goofy, chit-chatty relationships with other people. I want to mingle again.
I could go on and on. I look at these things; the way I and my life have changed so much in the last few months and I have a new sense of calm and relief from old madness. I know I'm doing better and I'm happy with this better. I don't want things the way they used to be. I can honestly say that.
So if I know this, if I see how it was and how it is now and am so much happier with now, why is it still so hard?
I've heard it said many times that what he does with his life, if he chooses to drink his days away, that it doesn't affect me. That I can move on with my life and be okay without him (and the last few months have proved that to me). But the fact is it does affect me, it has affected me.
Six months or so ago I thought maybe I had fallen out of love with xabf. But I've put some thought into it the last week or so now and realized I haven't really fallen out of love with him; it's my idea of what love is is different then his. He sees his sisters as loving him because they buy his beer, drink with him, etc etc. I see my love for him because I won't buy his beer, I don't drink with him. It's not that I don't love him, it's that I don't love him the way he wants me to love him.
I want my life back. I want to come home to open arms and go to bed with the man I love and talk to my best friend. But I know that person I'm looking for and that person I'm wanting is long gone. Someone I'll never, ever have back again. I'm not an idiot, I know that. I accepted that a long time ago.
Am I lonely? Am I angry? I have no desire to call him, I know where it'll end up. Once upon a time I'd call because I knew where the conversation would go and in the end it would simply have been a reminder of why I left him in the first place. But that desire for a reminder is gone. I have plenty of reminders plastered in my head.
I have a good life now, one that I am content with. Far from where I want to be but still a better place than where I was.
I guess I just don't understand why it's still so hard.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there kv 
I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. Except for a few of the details, you said my story.
Why is it so hard? For me it's because I _really_ loved my ex-wife. I loved all the good things about her, and she had plenty. She had a bad side too, which is why I eventually left.
I know it's old-fashioned and silly, but it's just the way I am. When I love I do it completely, without reservations. I put my whole self into it. That works really well when the other person does the same, but it sure makes a mess of my life when the other doesn't.
That woman I fell in love with when I was a young kid is no longer there. We shared a couple of decades and a _lot_ of life in between. That put some very deep hooks into me, and now she's gone, replaced by a pill-addict. I agree with Wanting, I went thru grief over the loss of a deeply special relationship. All the stages of grief and probably some extra ones too.
Losing somebody that special hurts. And it hurts a lot. I don't know of any way around it, so I grabbed a hold of al-anon and the steps and went _thru_ it.
Now I've learned a few lessons about my short-comings and my weaknesses. I'm being _very_ careful in my new relationship, I know I have some "blind spots" and bad habit of getting addicted to my own fantasies. From time to time I still get a pang of sadness for the marriage I once had. But it's just a pang. That deep, burning intensity is long gone.
Yes, it was incredibly hard for me to walk away from that relationship. However, I can see today that it would have been much, much harder to stay. One of us would have died. Either her from her addiction because I was enabling her so much, or me from a heart attack because I was stressing myself out so much.
That's the biggest lesson I have learned from al-anon. That dying is harder than living. That being the enabler to an addict is an incredibly painful way to die. That learning how to stop being an enabler is painful too, but really, really worth it in the end.
Hang in there kv, and keep coming back. we're all here for you.
Mike
I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. Except for a few of the details, you said my story.
Why is it so hard? For me it's because I _really_ loved my ex-wife. I loved all the good things about her, and she had plenty. She had a bad side too, which is why I eventually left.
I know it's old-fashioned and silly, but it's just the way I am. When I love I do it completely, without reservations. I put my whole self into it. That works really well when the other person does the same, but it sure makes a mess of my life when the other doesn't.
That woman I fell in love with when I was a young kid is no longer there. We shared a couple of decades and a _lot_ of life in between. That put some very deep hooks into me, and now she's gone, replaced by a pill-addict. I agree with Wanting, I went thru grief over the loss of a deeply special relationship. All the stages of grief and probably some extra ones too.
Losing somebody that special hurts. And it hurts a lot. I don't know of any way around it, so I grabbed a hold of al-anon and the steps and went _thru_ it.
Now I've learned a few lessons about my short-comings and my weaknesses. I'm being _very_ careful in my new relationship, I know I have some "blind spots" and bad habit of getting addicted to my own fantasies. From time to time I still get a pang of sadness for the marriage I once had. But it's just a pang. That deep, burning intensity is long gone.
Yes, it was incredibly hard for me to walk away from that relationship. However, I can see today that it would have been much, much harder to stay. One of us would have died. Either her from her addiction because I was enabling her so much, or me from a heart attack because I was stressing myself out so much.
That's the biggest lesson I have learned from al-anon. That dying is harder than living. That being the enabler to an addict is an incredibly painful way to die. That learning how to stop being an enabler is painful too, but really, really worth it in the end.
Hang in there kv, and keep coming back. we're all here for you.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by wanting 
That was a beautiful post, DesertEyes. 
I am sorry if my post sounded insensitive.....
I am sorry if my post sounded insensitive.....And you sounded just fine to me
I dunno about you but sometimes it's hard to talk about somebody elses pain when I'm the middle of my own pain. Mike
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
"I want my life back. I want to come home to open arms and go to bed with the man I love and talk to my best friend. But I know that person I'm looking for and that person I'm wanting is long gone. Someone I'll never, ever have back again. I'm not an idiot, I know that. I accepted that a long time ago.
Am I lonely? Am I angry? I have no desire to call him, I know where it'll end up. Once upon a time I'd call because I knew where the conversation would go and in the end it would simply have been a reminder of why I left him in the first place. But that desire for a reminder is gone. I have plenty of reminders plastered in my head."
Wow, looking at what you wrote, you could be me. My thoughts also.
The best I can do is say a prayer for aw usually before i go to sleep. They/she is really in God's hands and loved ones have no control.
Am I lonely? Am I angry? I have no desire to call him, I know where it'll end up. Once upon a time I'd call because I knew where the conversation would go and in the end it would simply have been a reminder of why I left him in the first place. But that desire for a reminder is gone. I have plenty of reminders plastered in my head."
Wow, looking at what you wrote, you could be me. My thoughts also.
The best I can do is say a prayer for aw usually before i go to sleep. They/she is really in God's hands and loved ones have no control.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
(((kv)))
I recommend "The Grief Club" by Melody Beattie. She has the compassion and the healing words we all need when grieving someone who was important in our lives.
Hang in there and be kind with yourself ok? this too shall pass.
Also what helped me a little then, was to reflect in the temporary nature of everything else in our lives, even our days are counted... people come and go... we move from one place to other, we change jobs/careers/tastes/friends etc etc... after this passes you will be starting to be grateful for the good times lived, and also because you were given a new chance to feel real love.... a healthier love that would never ever make you suffer.
But it takes time.... ((you are not alone))
I recommend "The Grief Club" by Melody Beattie. She has the compassion and the healing words we all need when grieving someone who was important in our lives.
Hang in there and be kind with yourself ok? this too shall pass.
Also what helped me a little then, was to reflect in the temporary nature of everything else in our lives, even our days are counted... people come and go... we move from one place to other, we change jobs/careers/tastes/friends etc etc... after this passes you will be starting to be grateful for the good times lived, and also because you were given a new chance to feel real love.... a healthier love that would never ever make you suffer.
But it takes time.... ((you are not alone))
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
KV
why is it still so hard?
KV, sweetheart, there are so many things to do for yourself. Life is a journey and if you want to be as well-rounded as possible, self-actualization is the answer. It is very difficult to keep working on yourself over your lifetime. But, doing so is transcending. The key lesson I keep learning, relationship after relationship after relationship is this: You have strengths and you have weaknesses, but you are ABLE to do anything you set your mind to. When we need or want so much for another person to give us something to fulfill us (especially our inner feelings), we become unhealthily attached to the person and continue to try to get our needs and wants fulfilled by them. Even when we don't love them or love them only a little. And then, we can't let go.........
When you discover that you are a whole, complete person, fully able and capable of maintaining yourself and your life, you will begin a journey like you have never dreamed of. Focus on you and making you better; focus on dreaming big dreams again, like you used to do in your childhood. THOSE are the things you NEED; THOSE are the things ONLY YOU can fulfill. And once you turn your sights onto those things, you begin the journey of self-actualization. Then you begin to let go..........
Only stepping forward
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Thanks guys (yes, even to you wanting...your post really made me think).
I'm not sure if it's me I'm grieving for if it's him though. I think it's so sad. The way he sees himself and his life, the way he's letting it fall apart. It's just so sad and that's hard to deal with.
I find it very hard to believe that he just doesn't realize there's a problem. I don't believe he doesn't want things to be better. But I guess it's easier being drunk than it is being sober. Again, that's so sad.
Spose if I dress like a fairy Saturday night and wave my magic little Toys-R-Us bought wand everything will be okay?
I'm not sure if it's me I'm grieving for if it's him though. I think it's so sad. The way he sees himself and his life, the way he's letting it fall apart. It's just so sad and that's hard to deal with.
I find it very hard to believe that he just doesn't realize there's a problem. I don't believe he doesn't want things to be better. But I guess it's easier being drunk than it is being sober. Again, that's so sad.
Spose if I dress like a fairy Saturday night and wave my magic little Toys-R-Us bought wand everything will be okay?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
KVWhen you discover that you are a whole, complete person, fully able and capable of maintaining yourself and your life, you will begin a journey like you have never dreamed of. Focus on you and making you better; focus on dreaming big dreams again, like you used to do in your childhood. THOSE are the things you NEED; THOSE are the things ONLY YOU can fulfill. And once you turn your sights onto those things, you begin the journey of self-actualization. Then you begin to let go..........
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