boocatgirl

Hey kids,

Been a while since I've been online. I was doing (well I thought I was doing) well with my Alanon work. I was new, still making my way through the first two steps and I was feeling better. We were having what seemed to be "real" conversations, and I was doing much better at not taking his issues on. To make a long story short, he had a setback, which became a relapse, and he tried to cover it up, and then ended up in a mental hospital because he was so down he was considering suicide. After several weeks there, he was released to inpatient therapy for the alcohol in concert with depression therapy (which he was supposed to be getting all along and I guess wasn't).

My real issue today is that since the whole suicide deal, I feel like I have had a major setback on MY recovery path. I am back to square one... drawn to my old familiar behaviors. Codie central. I know I need a meeting, but I don't even understand my feelings right now. I know what I need to do, I just can't seem to get out of this crappy place. Thanks for letting me dump here.

BCG

ItsmeAlice

I'm so sorry you're struggling. He's receiving help for his relapse and related issues and for that I'm glad.

I'm sure you've been holding the world on your shoulders while he has been gone. I must ask, though, what have you been doing for you and your recovery while he has been receiving treatment?

When times trigger our codie behavior is the time we have to kick it into high gear getting to meetings, reaching out to SR, reading, journalling, meditation.....etc.

We all slip and slide on the codie ice now and again.

We are here to understand and offer support. You may find releive by confessing to the codie behaviors that most trouble you. Works for me when I do it.

Alice

naive

hi boocatgirl-

i find it helpful to remind myself that my caring, loving and maintaining a home did not fix anything for my alcoholic. during the four years i did so, he actually got worse.

now that we are apart and i feel the codie-pull, i remind myself that i have already done all within my power to assist and all that happened was that he was able to drink more.

the best thing we can let them do is to hit their bottom. it's not easy to watch, but i am quite sure that i can not fix alcoholism by once again picking up the pieces.

Cowgirl1265

Boocatgirl, my heart goes out to you. A suicidal partner is a horrible situation. My H has been suicidal for a long time and I feared separating from him for that reason. I had a long talk with my cousin, whose husband actually committed suicide about 8 years ago. He had problems with depression and addiction for years, eventually they separated. After some months, they reconciled and he moved back into the family home. It was AFTER they reconciled that he actually killed himself. What I learned from talking to her is that if a person is going to commit suicide there is NOTHING you can do to make it happen or stop if from happening. It is their choice. In reality, no matter what we tell ourselves, our responsibility for our life is just that - OURS. We cannot blame our choices on others and we cannot take responsibility for OTHER peoples' choices.

I separated from my husband knowing full well this could mean that he decided to take his own life, but knowing also that I could not longer be trapped in a miserable marriage with a person who was so full of anger, hate and rage. I still care about him and I hope that he recovers, but I am learning to understand that I can't control it.

You deserve to live your own life, not to throw away your happiness being responsible for another adult. I encourage you to go back to your meetings and to focus on taking care of yourself first. You can still care about your acoholic without trying to take responsibility for his life. If you continue to try to do that, you know what happens to your life - it becomes unmanageable.

boocatgirl

Thank you everyone for your support and kind words. My ABF is gentle and warm for the most part, but he just can't seem to get out of his head. His "stuff" kind of makes him self-absorbed, and I get tired of our daughter and I being last on the list. We had a stupid fight Saturday, and I left him standing in the middle of town and walked home with our daughter (2 miles). We just couldn't seem to communicate and things were stressed and it was stressing her out, and I'd had enough. When we talked later, he told my daughter he didn't want to see her that day because he was upset and that he would call her the following day. I haven't heard from him since. I am worried about him...and spent my day yesterday basically fretting and not taking care of my stuff, the house, the laundry etc. So yes, Cowgirl, I guess I do feel like I am under some constant, underlying threat of suicide and abandonment for both my girl and I if I don't make sure things are a certain way (i.e., the way he wants/needs/requires them). I hadn't really looked at it that way I just knew I was beginning to feel resentful... and that is always so helpful in these matters

My neck is messed up from having to pick my daughter up the other day (during her meltdown) and so I am home today. So ---I know I can't control what he does, I can't cure him or make him want to live, or change the voices in his head, or be the one thing that makes him want to stay. I can't be that for anyone. All I can do is focus on my recovery again, and take care of me and my girl. I did do some SR and Alanon reading last night and it helped quite a bit. I will get my silly a** to a meeting. Thank you so much for taking the time steer me back in the right direction. I'm going to go take a nice hot bath

((((( Alice, Naive, and Cowgirl ))))))

BCG