TRFC

Hi, here's my situation. My Dad is drinking quite alot these days, my Mother has been strongly affected by Parkinsons disiese and isn't what she used to be. My father is doing everything he can for her but its obviously depressing him. He's always enjoyed a drink but never drank what I would consider too much, however recently he's been waiting for everyone to go to bed and then getting stuck into a few glasses of whiskey alone at night. I've found empty bottles of Jameson and Tullamore Dew etc in the cupboard which he has clearly hid as he doesn't want us to know the amount he drinks. I don't know how to confront him about it, my mother wouldn't be able for such a situation and my brother is living abroad so I'd be the only one here to bring it up. Can someone become an alcoholic at the age of 60? There certainly seems to be an element of it in the family, his sister is a reformed alcoholic. I'm stumped as to how to go about it, any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks...

Still Waters

Sure they can - alcoholism doesn't care what age you are

I'd say first and foremost though, that your Dad needs "care for the caregiver". When my grandfather got bad with Alzheimer, one of the things the doctors stressed to my grandmother was that she needed a support system for her. Being a caregiver tends to isolate you, and depression is common.

Perhaps you could approach the situation by offering support, maybe get him some literature on caregiver depression and the address of some support group meetings, while offering to take or stay with your mother while he goes?

Pelican

Yes.

Welcome to Sober Recovery.

I'm sorry about your mother's disease, and your father's alcoholism. It is good that you are reaching out for help. You will find support and information here.

Confronting an active alcoholic about their drinking is never a good idea. They will blame, lie, deny and manipulate to protect their addiction.

You can speak lovingly to your father about your concerns. Let him know that if he is stressed or depressed he might want to speak with his doctor. That is all you can do. He is an adult. This is currently how he chooses to self medicate.

Is there a support group for friends and family of Parkinson's? If so, you could pass the information on to him. Finding others who understand what he is going through as the spouse of someone with Parkinson's may relieve some of his anxiety.

How are you coping with this?

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

Learn2Live

Yes.

Reading your post, my impression is that your Dad may be under A LOT of worry and stress due to your Mom's illness. That is normal. His increased drinking at this age may be a response to that stress. He may not realize that there are other options available to him.

First, if he is the primary caregiver for your Mom, there are respite services that are available free of charge to him. I don't know where you live so I can't advise you there.

Second, caregivers and other loved ones of persons with such serious diseases need to find HEALTHY ways of managing the stress that is caused by this situation (Including YOU). I recommend you Google "Stress Reduction" and "confront" your Dad in an indirect manner that focuses on stress reduction behavior and activity, rather than directly confronting him about his drinking. (I'm guessing he drinks at night when everyone else is gone to avoid other people's reactions that will fortify his shame or other negative feelings about himself).

The way I do this with both my parents is to ask them to accompany me somewhere, or to do something with me, that would reduce BOTH of our stress levels. Or, I give them something that may reduce stress. Here are some suggestions:

1. Gave my Mom a CD-player so that she can listen to songs she likes. She has taken it one step further and often listens to songs that she knows the words to. Singing out loud reduces stress. (Because, and this is the important part: It demands the body to breathe deeply). So, I tell Mom to make sure when she is singing, to sing loudly and with gusto. It works.
2. Invite Dad to go to park with me.
3. Invite Dad to go look at XMas light parade with me.
4. Take Mom on vacations with me (Dad won't go).
5. Used to play tennis with my Mom but not enough time in the week for that anymore it seems.

Not saying that stress reduction cures or controls alcoholism. Reading your post just made me think this is not an alcoholic but perhaps, just an aging man who is under significant stress. He may also need to see a doctor and get a stress test.

summer09

Hi, welcome. You and your dad have a lot to cope with, it sounds like a stressful situation for both of you. Take it easy.

TRFC

Well approached him and so did she and still no luck. I'm at the end of my patience nearly. He's still drinking alone at night but since we said it to him and how we know he's drunk (things such as not speaking so we don't hear him slur, heavy footed walking etc) he's made a conscious effort to change these things so he doesn't seem drink, still getting through a bottle and a half of wine every night plus half a litre of jamesons. The worst part is he's just after retiring and I don't want this existence to be his retirement. I should also add my brother moved abroad to Australia and now the UK and has been gone for about three years, he comes home regularly but I think that could also be a factor as they have what is probably a closer relationship than I have with him. In his eyes I'm probably the "bad one" for being the one confronting him over it. He's been a brilliant father to me over the years and if I was behaving in such a manner I'd expect him to give me a kick up the arse.

What the hell should I do? This is so frustrating!



Thanks for the help, this is a good place to vent.

TRFC

By the way, he's never been abusive or cruel. He's just utterly depressed but keeping it to himself, problem is that it's rubbing off on us.

Still Waters

When my AH went to rehab, I met a man there who drank very little (only socially) prior to retirement. He then, in a short time, became a full blown fall down alcoholic. He knew he needed to stop, he was astounded to discover that he couldn't.

There isn't a darned thing you can do for your Dad...he's got to take those steps for himself. One thought though...does he have any close male friends. Maybe even one he used to have prior to isolating himself? Might be that he'd listen to one, more than he will to you.