The Two Women Within Me
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
The Two Women Within Me
One is an old friend-the triggered woman that fears abandonment, fears living alone, fears that she is unloved and unlovable and deserves it. That everything is my fault. This woman refuses to look at my AH's behavior and instead chooses to believe his lies. The ones even he believes.
The other is an emerging peaceful, powerful warrior. She believes in herself, in her ability to stand on her own, provide for herself and examine the facts without becoming despondent. She allows the facts to create more determination rather than hopelessness.
I just went through my text messages from last March. AH vaccilates between raging at me, telling me he's divorcing me, and telling me how beautiful and lovable and wonderful I am. He breaks NC with his affair partner from last year consistently, about every 3-4 months, just as I'm beginning to trust him again.
He is only self serving, untrustworthy and not worthy of my affection, attention, trust, or faithfulness. This guy doesn't really deserve to lick my shoes.
The problem begins when I get caught up in rage and resentment against him. He's not worth my time or energy. I need to channel this fear, resentment, anger and disbelief into getting a job, finishing my work I've been commissioned to write and making more money so I can walk away happy without him. Free at last.
NC is the way to go. I don't care how many times it takes me to restart it up, I will do this.
Fall down seven times; get up eight. Japanese proverb.
The other is an emerging peaceful, powerful warrior. She believes in herself, in her ability to stand on her own, provide for herself and examine the facts without becoming despondent. She allows the facts to create more determination rather than hopelessness.
I just went through my text messages from last March. AH vaccilates between raging at me, telling me he's divorcing me, and telling me how beautiful and lovable and wonderful I am. He breaks NC with his affair partner from last year consistently, about every 3-4 months, just as I'm beginning to trust him again.
He is only self serving, untrustworthy and not worthy of my affection, attention, trust, or faithfulness. This guy doesn't really deserve to lick my shoes.
The problem begins when I get caught up in rage and resentment against him. He's not worth my time or energy. I need to channel this fear, resentment, anger and disbelief into getting a job, finishing my work I've been commissioned to write and making more money so I can walk away happy without him. Free at last.
NC is the way to go. I don't care how many times it takes me to restart it up, I will do this.
Fall down seven times; get up eight. Japanese proverb.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 77
Transform, I can really relate to what your feelings are about being unlovable and deserving of this treatment. This is exactly what I am working on in counselling right now. On the outside I look like a strong, confident woman and on the inside of my head I am unworthy of anything but crap. It's time to tell that negative committee in our heads to get the heck out of there, the meeting is adjourned!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
I really understand what you mean about the two women thing. My therapist says, humorously, that when the insecure fearful voice pipes up, that this is just my s**t talking. That makes me laugh and step back from it a bit.
I've been going through a lot of my s**t over the past few days as I've had to have contact with my xabf over business stuff. As soon as I hear his voice, I relax back into my old role with him and it fits like a comfortable slipper. But then a few minutes later I'm grieving and depressed all over again. Strong confident woman has to step in and take charge!
I've been going through a lot of my s**t over the past few days as I've had to have contact with my xabf over business stuff. As soon as I hear his voice, I relax back into my old role with him and it fits like a comfortable slipper. But then a few minutes later I'm grieving and depressed all over again. Strong confident woman has to step in and take charge!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90
Transform both those women live in my house too. Right now the scared one is ruling. He's been working on me like only he can. Living in the same house with him is really hard. I think when I've really had enough I will make my move.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ok
The woman who does payroll at one of the publicaitons I write for emailed me today with some questions. She also wanted to know how I moved from the town she lives in (where I lived with AH) to the town I am currently in. Said she wanted to follow in my footsteps.
I detailed for her the leaving the AH part of moving and said if you want to follow in my footsteps I will hold your hand and tell you that you can do it.
She's left TWO AH and is recovering A herself now for 20 years. I was astonished. Knowing what I know about alcoholism, that is a miracle and told her so.
I gave her the URL to my anonymous blog, told her I am working a memoir to make money off my crazy abusive life and this is what she sent me:
What the hell? She means it! I need to get off my butt, stop messin around with this man and write my damn memoir. There's more too.
Lots of folks love my writing and have told me to finish this memoir. "Please finish this book," one of my editors begged me recently. "Please finish this, for THE REST OF US." This is an award winning journalist, a 61 year old woman at the peak of her career. She knows what she's talking about.
My agent was the senior editor at Ballentine books. She determined which books they bought every year and now she represents authors. Very few of them. But she believes in me.
I do not want to be the proverbial lost talent that every one knows. The person you thought would do great things who never reached their potential.
I have to stop this foolishness. I have to embrace and own who I am and what I'm suppose to be doing and IT ISN'T CHASING LOVE SICK AFTER A MAN WHO DOESN'T LOVE OR RESPECT ME.
SNAP OUT OF IT!!! NOW!!!
The woman who does payroll at one of the publicaitons I write for emailed me today with some questions. She also wanted to know how I moved from the town she lives in (where I lived with AH) to the town I am currently in. Said she wanted to follow in my footsteps.
I detailed for her the leaving the AH part of moving and said if you want to follow in my footsteps I will hold your hand and tell you that you can do it.
She's left TWO AH and is recovering A herself now for 20 years. I was astonished. Knowing what I know about alcoholism, that is a miracle and told her so.
I gave her the URL to my anonymous blog, told her I am working a memoir to make money off my crazy abusive life and this is what she sent me:
Wow, I'm honored to get the URL. Thank you. Will check in when not crazed over payroll.
God, Transform, I hope you do write that memoir. I love your stuff.
God, Transform, I hope you do write that memoir. I love your stuff.
Lots of folks love my writing and have told me to finish this memoir. "Please finish this book," one of my editors begged me recently. "Please finish this, for THE REST OF US." This is an award winning journalist, a 61 year old woman at the peak of her career. She knows what she's talking about.
My agent was the senior editor at Ballentine books. She determined which books they bought every year and now she represents authors. Very few of them. But she believes in me.
I do not want to be the proverbial lost talent that every one knows. The person you thought would do great things who never reached their potential.
I have to stop this foolishness. I have to embrace and own who I am and what I'm suppose to be doing and IT ISN'T CHASING LOVE SICK AFTER A MAN WHO DOESN'T LOVE OR RESPECT ME.
SNAP OUT OF IT!!! NOW!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: mo
Posts: 108
for what its worth , i have found my self riveted by your story , not that is a particularly unique situation , but your posts keep things interesting, not that I'm getting entertainment from your misfortune. You just seem to be able to succinctly get your emotions and feelings accross in a very real way!
Your memoirs would sell..You should read Caroline Knapp's "Drinking, A love story!"
you remind me of her a bit even though she was the A, unlike your situation!
Your memoirs would sell..You should read Caroline Knapp's "Drinking, A love story!"
you remind me of her a bit even though she was the A, unlike your situation!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you omenapt, whatever that means. Do you live in an omenous apartment? Is it short for "oh me napped"? It really means alot to me as my writing here obviously isn't even actual writing, but rather streamed train of thought writing.
I need to stop doubting myself and keep writing. When I"m heartbroken, when I'm afraid I should be hammering out this proposal. I'm afraid that I will get the proposal done, the agent will sell it and I won't be able to write the book. I'm afriad it will sell lots of copies and everyone will know how messed up my life has been. I"m afraid it won't sell and will be a flop.
But. I'm more afraid of not trying. Of staying right here, in this pain with this man, for another year and a half. One moment is too long. My patience has run out.
My life, my potential is way more interesting than this stupid drama with AH.
My life is way more interesting than his. That's why he resents me. Well, that and he needs more reasons to drink.
thank you everyone. The smarter, more loving strong woman has won out for tonight. No crying jags. No tantrums. Just determination.
So what do you do to help chose actions that will heal your life rather than reacting out of fear? Just askin...
I need to stop doubting myself and keep writing. When I"m heartbroken, when I'm afraid I should be hammering out this proposal. I'm afraid that I will get the proposal done, the agent will sell it and I won't be able to write the book. I'm afriad it will sell lots of copies and everyone will know how messed up my life has been. I"m afraid it won't sell and will be a flop.
But. I'm more afraid of not trying. Of staying right here, in this pain with this man, for another year and a half. One moment is too long. My patience has run out.
My life, my potential is way more interesting than this stupid drama with AH.
My life is way more interesting than his. That's why he resents me. Well, that and he needs more reasons to drink.
thank you everyone. The smarter, more loving strong woman has won out for tonight. No crying jags. No tantrums. Just determination.
So what do you do to help chose actions that will heal your life rather than reacting out of fear? Just askin...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
NC is the way to go. I don't care how many times it takes me to restart it up, I will do this.
Thank you omenapt, whatever that means. Do you live in an omenous apartment? Is it short for "oh me napped"?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Yes Lavash I will come to the city near where you live for a book signing and we'll have dinner and laugh our butts off at how stupidly desperate we once were. Ah, I love delusions of granduer or however that's spelled.
And LTL I think having these specific text messages is a helpful tool because reading through them does exactly what I need to move forward. It keeps the truth of his abuse and drinking in my mind instead of the fantasy that i can believe a word that comes out of his face. Look at this from March after he broke NC with the wh*** and and said he was divorcing me because he wasn't going to stay away from her threatened to kill me while I was crying. I rented a room after that and refused to answer any of these texts and they poured out of him. I will never erase them.
YOU NEED TO STAY IN THAT ROOM OF YOURS I WANT NO CONTACT WITH YOU AT ALL PACK YOUR THINGS AND GET OUT!!!
then a text every 4 minutes after, saying
You are right I am abusive and it's all over now
then
Don't plan on seeing me after work because I am going out drinking after
then
I just can't believe it comes down to this. Can't believe it. why why??
then
after today I will lay off the sauce.
It's not like any of this has changed. In fact, I'd say it's only gotten worse. This text record is a micro cosm of our relationship. Him acting out, like a teenager doing something rebellious, then raging at me about it as if I am to blame for the consequences, then promising to quit drinking. All in about ten minutes of texts, none of which I responded to.
I'm not reading them and pining away for this guy. I"m stunned by the dysfunction and eager to carve out a new life for myself and the kids.
And LTL I think having these specific text messages is a helpful tool because reading through them does exactly what I need to move forward. It keeps the truth of his abuse and drinking in my mind instead of the fantasy that i can believe a word that comes out of his face. Look at this from March after he broke NC with the wh*** and and said he was divorcing me because he wasn't going to stay away from her threatened to kill me while I was crying. I rented a room after that and refused to answer any of these texts and they poured out of him. I will never erase them.
YOU NEED TO STAY IN THAT ROOM OF YOURS I WANT NO CONTACT WITH YOU AT ALL PACK YOUR THINGS AND GET OUT!!!
then a text every 4 minutes after, saying
You are right I am abusive and it's all over now
then
Don't plan on seeing me after work because I am going out drinking after
then
I just can't believe it comes down to this. Can't believe it. why why??
then
after today I will lay off the sauce.
It's not like any of this has changed. In fact, I'd say it's only gotten worse. This text record is a micro cosm of our relationship. Him acting out, like a teenager doing something rebellious, then raging at me about it as if I am to blame for the consequences, then promising to quit drinking. All in about ten minutes of texts, none of which I responded to.
I'm not reading them and pining away for this guy. I"m stunned by the dysfunction and eager to carve out a new life for myself and the kids.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hey lady. I personally had to delete all that old crap in order to move forward. I understand what ur saying...For a while, they did for me what you are saying they are doing for you but please don't forget to delete them when you have gotten thru this stage. Just hearing the sound of his voice, or the sound of someone else's voice who sounds remotely LIKE him, sends my heart racing and my stomach churning.
LOVE YA'! Be good girl (this is what my cousin and I always say in closing).
LOVE YA'! Be good girl (this is what my cousin and I always say in closing).
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Love you too LTL, and I hvae an aversion to being good, but am working on that!
I did it.
I just re-worked the narrative and sent it to my mentor, a woman I haven't spoken to in over a year. She is soo supportive and wonderful, and accomplished!
I'm embarrassed that I haven't done this earlier. She will help me shape the narrative then send it to the agent. Nothing can go to this agent until it's perfect, she doesn't have time for mediocrity.
Which is what I think I've been putting it off. Oh, that and I was obsessed with my practicing alcoholic, cheating, manipulative husband.
I had this memory after sending off the narrative. I have a friend who lives down the street from where I used to live with AH, where he still lives.
He HATES this woman and sees her husband as both arrogant and submissive to his wife. I saw them both last night and he was pawing all over her, adoring her.
Whats wrong with that? I mean come on. I want a husband who adores me, openly pays attention to me in public.
for the first time in a long time I really feel hopeful. I feel like I"m better off without him, and my life is more interesting, more stable without him. Even though I'm screwed financially and he's holding that over my head...
I did it.
I just re-worked the narrative and sent it to my mentor, a woman I haven't spoken to in over a year. She is soo supportive and wonderful, and accomplished!
I'm embarrassed that I haven't done this earlier. She will help me shape the narrative then send it to the agent. Nothing can go to this agent until it's perfect, she doesn't have time for mediocrity.
Which is what I think I've been putting it off. Oh, that and I was obsessed with my practicing alcoholic, cheating, manipulative husband.
I had this memory after sending off the narrative. I have a friend who lives down the street from where I used to live with AH, where he still lives.
He HATES this woman and sees her husband as both arrogant and submissive to his wife. I saw them both last night and he was pawing all over her, adoring her.
Whats wrong with that? I mean come on. I want a husband who adores me, openly pays attention to me in public.
for the first time in a long time I really feel hopeful. I feel like I"m better off without him, and my life is more interesting, more stable without him. Even though I'm screwed financially and he's holding that over my head...
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