sapphire69

I know I don't post here often but I read every day. I am working on my recovery and in counselling. We had an incident here two months ago that involved my 7yr old daughter and my husband. The following day she told the school counsellor and they called in CPS and the police. AH went to jail for the night and has been charged with criminal property damage/domestic violence. As of his last court date the prosecutor said they were seeking jail time.

The incident was not really a big deal but the police here are cracking down on domestic violence and made it out to be one. My husband built these half doors to put on the bedrooms to keep the dogs off the new carpet. They are made out of 1x1 frames covered with panelling type wood and hollow inside. My daughter flat out refused to go to her room when being told to and said she didn't have to listen to him because he was just a drunk (something she picked up from my teen daughter). Of course this didn't sit well with him and he swatted her on the butt. I will get into that later. But when he was leaving the bedroom this half door was stuck in the frame and he used his knee to open it. Of course being hollow his knee went right into it. This is what the police are focusing on, the door. It sticks all the time and all of us use body parts to push it open. It could have been me!

So CPS "recommended" that my husband go to substance abuse classes which he is and he also took parenting classes without being asked. The cases are separate so neither affects the other. Now I got a paper in the mail stating I am the victim in this case since I live in the house too. Other than that I have NOT been contacted by the court asking for testimony or anything else. If my husband goes to jail he will lose his job. We are very close to losing our house now and we would certainly lose it with NO income. I have a disabled son too. Now here is my question. I have been advised by my friends and family that I should call the prosecutor and ask them if they could give him the choice of rehab or jail and see if he takes the rehab. I have pretty much tried to stay out of the whole court situation with the mindset that I cannot control him or his recovery (he is still drinking) so if I get involved it would be as if I am trying to control the outcome. However losing the house and being homeless is not particularly what I want either. His public defender says he can beat this. So what should I do? He has court again tomorrow and I don't know if I am not comfortable doing anything because of denial or because I don't want to try and control any outcome. I have been doing the steps and putting my faith in HP to do what is necessary for him.

Any thoughts, suggestions?

NYC_Chick

I'm not sure what advice I can offer. Reading the above sounds too familiar to me. Like what my mother would say about my father when covering for him. All too often that involved physically abusing us, her and our home. So, I would say if he goes to jail, then so be it. I do not mean to be harsh, but it sounds off to me and maybe jail would be for the best. Clearly he sees nothing wrong with his drinkingif he's still doing it, so it seems forced rehab probably won't help.

Freedom1990

Reading this actually made me queasy.

You're the only voice that 7 year old has.

He's doing his best to silence that voice.

Is this really acceptable to you?

You don't have to answer; it's just something I hope you think about.

sapphire69

No it is not acceptable to me. Let me also say that I have my daughter in counselling and we are all working on the family issues. She has been diagnosed with ADHD with impulsivity. The charge my husband has is for the DOOR only. There were no marks on my daughter and we have delt with the spanking issue. My husband attended parenting classes on his own suggestion and we are dealing with dicipline in a whole different way than we used to. (mostly me since I was always the one that was too worn out to deal with it and he thought parenting was from the chair) My children do not normally get spanked, I have never thought that appropriate. She has never been spanked before which is why she was so stunned! We have since learned appropriate behavior modification techniques and are now using them.

I am working on me, I am getting help for my children. This post was asking if I should let what happens happen, or if I should let the prosecutor know what the root of the problem is - his drinking. I could care less for his well being if he goes to jail. My concern is losing my house and having NO where for MY children to live!!! This isn't me covering up for him, this isn't me controlling him or being unhealthy.

NYC_Chick

I understand your point, but there is no criminal charge for property damages unless you press charges. I know with domestic violence most states will take it out of you hands.

I am confused as to why you think you need to push for rehab. It would seem he would lose his job with any court intervention. I'm sure you want to keep your house, but maybe an apartment away from this man would be better for you and your children.

Freedom1990

What difference would it make if you let the prosecutor know about his problem?

My 31 year old AD has had many many jail stays, and I have not been in court once for her, nor will I ever. It's her problem to deal with, not mine.

It sounds like you are on the right track for your children and yourself. As long as you continue to move forward in your recovery, you and the children will be okay, regardless of what happens to him or your living situation.

taurus

Hi, I am new here so I'm not sure I can offer you any good advice. My bipolar son was in jail once for being drunk at his dad's house (his dad had my youngest son call the police on him). I don't know if he drinks since then since he doesn't live with me. I did go to court with him that time (he was referred to mental health court). I even told the judge at the time that he needed help, but they didn't force him. Since then, he had his record expunged because he was able to not get arrested again. My son thought it was all a joke. I told him I would never be involved again if he went to jail, that it was his issue from now on. I do feel the person has to made responsible for their own actions.

Regarding your situation, can you get in touch with your local women helping women type of group? Perhaps they can direct you to housing, and help you get back on your feet? It seems to me it's only a matter of time before you could lose your house anyway since your husband still drinks. Maybe a group like this could help you with a backup emergency plan. Is there someone you trust otherwise that could help you....a friend, family member, etc.? It's so hard when you have young children.

I hope you are able to find some peace soon.

~T~

wanting

I know that you are worried about losing your house, but it seems like your kids are really affected by your AH, and that is where your main concern should lie. This situation aside, they are both lashing out saying that he's a drunk. You do know that this is not normal, right? This is not a loving home for them right now. They do not feel safe and secure. It's not just about the spanking or the broken door. It's about their whole situation. Losing the house may be just what you need to get them to a safe, small, cute, cozy, love-filled apartment. Is your teenager in al-ateen, btw?

sapphire69

No, my teenager is 18 and out on her own now. That is another long story in itself. She is in counselling though.

LaTeeDa

My initial gut reaction to this post can be summed up in one word: minimizing.

Again the minimizing words: "incident" "not a big deal"

Also, blaming the police because they are "cracking down," rather than your husband whose behavior is really the problem.

Minimizing words again "didn't sit well" "swatted"

What really happened is he got angry and hit a 7-year old.

Blaming CPS, putting quotes around the word recommended.

And this explains clearly why all the minimizing and blame. You fear losing your house. That's certainly an understandable reason to be afraid. But, it is not justification for minimizing your husband's behavior at the expense of your child.

What steps can you begin to take to protect yourself and child from his actions? How can you begin to move in a direction that keeps you safe (emotionally and financially) from his behavior?

L

Free108

I think that you should follow the advice of the public defender. He has probably dealt with this kind of situation before. And while I do hear a bit of minimizing on your part, I totally understand your concerns about your house. This is a big deal. Keep looking after yourself and your children, keep going to counseling and let your husband deal with his legal problems. It seems unlikely that he would go to jail for a hole in a door, if this is a first offense. It it's not, then that's another matter.
One day at a time, remember! You're doing your best right now and that's all you can ask of yourself.

ItsmeAlice

Whatever the circumstances surrounding his charges, I think you are on the right track by letting him deal with the consequence of his anger. That said, I entirely understand the fear that comes with letting go when the outcome could so drastically affect your life and the lives of your children.

I'll tell you of a slip into enabling that I made out of the same fear and you can tell me if you think I was just enabling or protecting myself...

In July I was living with my XABF in a home provided by his employer. I was working hard to save money and leave him. When I least expected it, he was let go from his employer and we lost the housing. I made the decision that if I was going to pack up and move my life, I would do it without him. He had to find a job and housing on his own. He made no effort at all. In fact, he spent 98% of his time intoxicated. I was quite fearful of things going sour and having an altercation with him when I made plans to leave and he had nowere to go. I ended up emailing a prior employer of his and telling her of his job loss. I did not reveal anything of his drinking. I asked her to take him on and give him a job and housing, which she did. I never told him that I did this, and she didn't either.

I came here and confessed my enabling slip and truly felt I had hit a low in my recovery. I was reminded by folks here that enabling for the sake of saving my XABF and even doing so at my own expense is something I would have done prior to recovery, but doing something for the sake of saving myself but that benefitted him as well is not the same.

Thinking in these terms, your fear of losing your home and his income is a strong motivator. If notifying the defender or prosecutor of his addiction and opening up the discussion of rehab over jail could save you and your children your home, I would not say it's enabling. If, though, when he returns home acquitted or after rehab and nothing changes for your family, I would have concerns. At that point, you would have saved him but the problems would still remain that affect you.

I don't know if any of this helps, but it's where my head is on it.

Good luck!

Alice

sapphire69

This is exactly why I don't post here, not one of you answered my question but instead attacked me! I know this incident was wrong, I know he did wrong, so does he we are dealing with that and getting help. The reason I said CPS recommended was because that is what they did!! They won't say he has to do it because then they have to pay for it, so instead they say he needs to do it or they won't close the investigation. It is not a CASE, it is an INVESTIGATION. CPS has not taken my children and does not feel they are being abused or neglected. When the investigator told me she wanted my husband to take substance abuse classes, I THANKED her!!!

AGAIN, my question was if I should stick my two cents in with the prosecutor when I have not even been asked to testify, or should I just let the consequences be handed out as they may. According to all the paperwork I am the victim in this case, not my daughter. I was here when it happened, the altercation with my daughter was NOT acceptable and my husband knows this, he admits this. Many conversations have been had between us about this. It was HIS idea to attend parenting classes.

LaTeeDa

I'm sorry you felt attacked. In a forum such as this, the only thing I have to go on is the words you choose.

As an ACOA, it is painful to me to read minimizing words used to describe the effects of living with an alcoholic parent on a young child. I was once that child and my mother, to this day, minimizes the effects of my father's alcoholism--and I'm 47 years old!

As for the advice you asked for, again I only have your words to go on. It came across to me like you have already decided what you are going to do and are here looking for people to agree with you.

I apologize if I have misinterpreted your words.

L

sapphire69

Alice, thank you for that post. You are deffinitely right in what you say. Even if offered the rehab over jail I think he would take it but I don't know if he would change.

LTD - No I had not decided but I was leaning toward just doing nothing and waiting to see if the prosecutor would contact me. The victim letter I received advised that he was to drink NO Alcohol and I could very well get him into trouble but I don't want to be that person. I am at the point where his drinking is his problem and it has been at least two weeks since I have said a word about it. I just wanted opinions if I should take matters into my own hands since I have been working so hard at not having to "control" everyone around me.

I read alot here and am very grateful for what I have learned from all of you. This is finally the time in my life where I am actually following through on my recovery. I do have to say thank you so much SR for being here.

Freedom1990

I thought I had responded in kind by sharing that I have never gotten involved in any of my 31 year old AD's legal messes.

I can't tell you what to do. I can share what has/hasn't worked for me.

sapphire69

Freedom, thank you for sharing with me. The difference here is that it is NOT my daughter (who by the way is facing her own legal problems which I am dilligently working on staying out of) but my husband in which I am the victim here, so I HAVE to be involved at some point.

coyote21

I won't rehash the whole story, but CPS ended up being a positive catalyst for getting me out of a seemingly hopeless situation/marriage to a drunk, that had truly become hell on earth. Their involvement in our lives began my recovery.

Today I am a happy dad to a very happy 8 yo girl. I'm only about 2 years out from climbing out of the financial hole I dug myself into.....with a little help from a drunk wife.

I would NEVER have gotten sole custody of my dd without CPS and Divine Intervention, not necessarily in that order!

Life is soooo much better here "on the other side" as they say.

Good luck. Oh by the way we lost our house, our cars, EVERYTHING. It's only stuff. The womens shelters won't let you live under a bridge.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote