Codie for eternity?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 63
Codie for eternity?
Hello again
Still me, the girl who became codependant after meeting a guy online.. well better said, after meeting an addict and not knowing he is an addict.
For those who remember my first post here, I've been glued to him (well as much as glued can be over the internet), for over 1 year and a half. Been messing my sleeping hours, putting up with his mood swings and the confusion he was causing, his mind-tripping, unexpected reactions and so on.. He made me cry so much, but in the end he apologizes every time and says he still wants to give it a try and fix our friendship.
Lately, after finidng out about his addiction and after having awful fights with him I finally decided I have to let go of those feelings, and I thought that I have succeeded, for a while, but now I seem to slowly slip back and checking on him every 5 minutes, at night also... if I don't talk to him for 2 or 3 days I go completly insane, and I start spamming his MSN with silly random stuff, but always with a "reason" so he doesn't say again that I'm suffocating him. I know it's awfully wrong, but it's like my brain stops working sometimes and an evil spirit is possesing me, making me talk to him.
Anyway, I haven't seen heavy effects of the drugs he's using in almost 1 year, and back then I believed him when he was saying it was "side efect of his medication". But 2 days ago, he went to visit a friend and when he got back he started acting strange, talking weird and saying he has double vision and he can't see.. then my heart stopped when I saw "it's a side effect of my medication", because I knew that second that he overdosed it again or mixed it with something else, which puts his life in danger. I was at university, chatting on my phone, but that whole day I was so nervous and feeling horrible, so scared... and I promissed to myself I won't let this affect my life anymore, but I keep worrying over and over and clinging on him insanely even though he's not even aware of the planet he lives on.
I don't know what to do anymore.. sometimes I feel like I'm detaching, and I feel happy and confident, then after 10 minutes I desperately try to find a reason to say hi to him and drag him into a random conversation.
And how can I blame him for gettin high when I myself I am gettin high on his presence.. it doesnt feel so strong like before, but sometimes I still feel the whole world around me dissapearing while I'm talking to him. Nothing else matters, and all the bad things I know about him just dissapear, I'm overwhelmed by his power of fascinating me every time we talk. Despite of his issues, he is a very intelligent person, and with a mind-blowing vision of life, and it is not always influenced by the drugs. it is true, sometimes he doesn't make sense and then I realise this is evry wrong, but sometimes he makes more sense than I do, which is scary...
I wrote a huge post again, just need to vent as I don't dare to talk to anyone about it, but I really don't know what to do anymore. I have a social life, I'm mostly not at home during week days, but he's on my mind still 24/7, after I have struggled so much to take him out of my heart. And no, breaking contact does not work as I'm too weak to do it.. i feel like this is goin to last forever, even worse, I might just study in his country in 1 year or 2, which means this is goin to extend to real life, not just online.
And he still doesn't know that I know about his addiction.. every evening it comes back to my mind and it automatically makes me imagine how it would be like telling him that I found him on a forum talking about his drugs issues and some other awful things. I can't even imagine his reaction. They're always unexpected and intense so all I do is play dumb and act like I'm believing the "side effects" story when he's not feeling well.
As a conclusion, I feel like I'm destined to be a codie for the rest of my life, as I don't see no escape out of it anymore.. I can't live with him, can't live without him either.
Thanks for having the patience to read, even if it sounds like it's not something serious, for most of you who haven't experienced the disasters of internet, but I can assure you it feels awful, even if we never met. I don't even know if I'm waiting for an answer to my post, I'm feeling so helpless probably the only thing I could get is pity.
~D.
Still me, the girl who became codependant after meeting a guy online.. well better said, after meeting an addict and not knowing he is an addict.
For those who remember my first post here, I've been glued to him (well as much as glued can be over the internet), for over 1 year and a half. Been messing my sleeping hours, putting up with his mood swings and the confusion he was causing, his mind-tripping, unexpected reactions and so on.. He made me cry so much, but in the end he apologizes every time and says he still wants to give it a try and fix our friendship.
Lately, after finidng out about his addiction and after having awful fights with him I finally decided I have to let go of those feelings, and I thought that I have succeeded, for a while, but now I seem to slowly slip back and checking on him every 5 minutes, at night also... if I don't talk to him for 2 or 3 days I go completly insane, and I start spamming his MSN with silly random stuff, but always with a "reason" so he doesn't say again that I'm suffocating him. I know it's awfully wrong, but it's like my brain stops working sometimes and an evil spirit is possesing me, making me talk to him.
Anyway, I haven't seen heavy effects of the drugs he's using in almost 1 year, and back then I believed him when he was saying it was "side efect of his medication". But 2 days ago, he went to visit a friend and when he got back he started acting strange, talking weird and saying he has double vision and he can't see.. then my heart stopped when I saw "it's a side effect of my medication", because I knew that second that he overdosed it again or mixed it with something else, which puts his life in danger. I was at university, chatting on my phone, but that whole day I was so nervous and feeling horrible, so scared... and I promissed to myself I won't let this affect my life anymore, but I keep worrying over and over and clinging on him insanely even though he's not even aware of the planet he lives on.
I don't know what to do anymore.. sometimes I feel like I'm detaching, and I feel happy and confident, then after 10 minutes I desperately try to find a reason to say hi to him and drag him into a random conversation.
And how can I blame him for gettin high when I myself I am gettin high on his presence.. it doesnt feel so strong like before, but sometimes I still feel the whole world around me dissapearing while I'm talking to him. Nothing else matters, and all the bad things I know about him just dissapear, I'm overwhelmed by his power of fascinating me every time we talk. Despite of his issues, he is a very intelligent person, and with a mind-blowing vision of life, and it is not always influenced by the drugs. it is true, sometimes he doesn't make sense and then I realise this is evry wrong, but sometimes he makes more sense than I do, which is scary...
I wrote a huge post again, just need to vent as I don't dare to talk to anyone about it, but I really don't know what to do anymore. I have a social life, I'm mostly not at home during week days, but he's on my mind still 24/7, after I have struggled so much to take him out of my heart. And no, breaking contact does not work as I'm too weak to do it.. i feel like this is goin to last forever, even worse, I might just study in his country in 1 year or 2, which means this is goin to extend to real life, not just online.
And he still doesn't know that I know about his addiction.. every evening it comes back to my mind and it automatically makes me imagine how it would be like telling him that I found him on a forum talking about his drugs issues and some other awful things. I can't even imagine his reaction. They're always unexpected and intense so all I do is play dumb and act like I'm believing the "side effects" story when he's not feeling well.
As a conclusion, I feel like I'm destined to be a codie for the rest of my life, as I don't see no escape out of it anymore.. I can't live with him, can't live without him either.
Thanks for having the patience to read, even if it sounds like it's not something serious, for most of you who haven't experienced the disasters of internet, but I can assure you it feels awful, even if we never met. I don't even know if I'm waiting for an answer to my post, I'm feeling so helpless probably the only thing I could get is pity.
~D.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My suggestions? Active regular participation in face-to-face Alanon meetings. Books to read: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwoord. Individual counseling/therapy has also been a tremendous help to me.
You do have a choice to either stay stuck in these destructive and unhealthy behaviors for yourself, or do something about it.
You do have a choice to either stay stuck in these destructive and unhealthy behaviors for yourself, or do something about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 63
thanks for answering, Freedom 
I'm really looking forawrd to buy Women Who Love Too Much at this moment, but it's pretty hard to find, I'll have to buy it online anyway..
and well.. the meetings and therapy, I really want to get help, but I have some walking issues, so my dad is with me almost all the time, can't go with him.. I don't want any of my parents to know about this, so I'll have to wait to get a car first.
The problem is that I started university and instead of focusing on my studies, which is very important, my mind flies to his drugs and "is he still alive?" thoughts, and the constant need to check on him to see if he speaks fluently or is tripping... It's like a disease I have, and I can't get a cure for it
I'm really looking forawrd to buy Women Who Love Too Much at this moment, but it's pretty hard to find, I'll have to buy it online anyway..
and well.. the meetings and therapy, I really want to get help, but I have some walking issues, so my dad is with me almost all the time, can't go with him.. I don't want any of my parents to know about this, so I'll have to wait to get a car first.
The problem is that I started university and instead of focusing on my studies, which is very important, my mind flies to his drugs and "is he still alive?" thoughts, and the constant need to check on him to see if he speaks fluently or is tripping... It's like a disease I have, and I can't get a cure for it
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