How did you explain addiction to yur kids?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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How did you explain addiction to your kids?
Hi everyone,
Can you share your stories of how you explained the disease of addiction to your younger children?
My son is almost 6 and while his father has been in and out of recovery and the home for his whole life, it's been about 15 months since the last time. He's been asking questions about where his Dad is (out of the house since Monday) and unfortunately heard his Dad screaming and ranting like a lunatic outside the house last night. Of course, he's confused , scared and upset.
I've told him Dad has to live at another house right now (like I had told him in the past when AH was in rehab) and that Dad is sick. And that when people are sick, we don't want to be around them so we don't get sick too.
I've reiterated that Dad and I love him very much and that Dad will always be his Dad. Also that when Dad is better, we will see him right away again.
Thoughts? Please share your "scripts" as to how you talked to your kids about addiction, both in and out of the home.
Thanks!!
Can you share your stories of how you explained the disease of addiction to your younger children?
My son is almost 6 and while his father has been in and out of recovery and the home for his whole life, it's been about 15 months since the last time. He's been asking questions about where his Dad is (out of the house since Monday) and unfortunately heard his Dad screaming and ranting like a lunatic outside the house last night. Of course, he's confused , scared and upset.
I've told him Dad has to live at another house right now (like I had told him in the past when AH was in rehab) and that Dad is sick. And that when people are sick, we don't want to be around them so we don't get sick too.
I've reiterated that Dad and I love him very much and that Dad will always be his Dad. Also that when Dad is better, we will see him right away again.
Thoughts? Please share your "scripts" as to how you talked to your kids about addiction, both in and out of the home.
Thanks!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
My son was 6 when I had to have this discussion with him. He also witnessed things and it got to the point where I knew I had to have a long talk to try and explain things because it was clear that my son was confused and upset.
Every kid is different but I definitely felt like I had to tell my son something more than that his dad was sick. I didn't want him to worry what would happen if he got 'sick'. So I actually told him that his dad had a problem with drugs and that he could get better and stop using the drugs if he wanted to but that right then, he didn't want to and since he didn't want to stop using drugs, his dad and I had to live apart. I told my son that sometimes people take medicine and that they like the way it makes them feel so they take more and pretty soon its hard to stop taking it. I said some people eat too much chocolate, some people eat too much ice cream...and too much can make them sick and that when people take too much medicine it makes them sick too. I told my son that I loved his dad...that I would do what I could to help him but that daddy was the only one who could decide to stop taking the drugs.
I told him it didn't have anything to do with us...that it was kind of like a sickness but it was a sickness he could get over when he decided to stop being sick. There were alot of questions...they came out in spurts.. When I told my son, he said it made him sad and I said it made me sad too and I told him that he and I would just have to pray extra hard that his daddy would decide to stop taking drugs.
My son was in the 1st grade at the time. I told him that all the adults in his life knew about the problem and that he could talk to any of them about it any time he wanted to.
My only regret (I guess) is that I told him he could talk to anyone he wanted about it and he talked to his best buddy at school and before I knew it, his best buddy said that his mom and dad didn't want the two of them to be friends anymore. Now THAT hurt. I'm not sure if I should have told him the problem was private. On one hand, I didn't want him to feel ashamed...and yet, some people are so cruel and uneducated...
When I saw my son paying a price for this at school...losing his best buddy like this...I was so hurt and angry.
Its so hard when young kids are involved. Its so hard to know what to say but I think as long as we are honest (in an age appropriate way), our kids will know they can count on us to be honest even when the topic is difficult. This is so important...especially when there is so much upheaval in their little lives.
Whatever you tell him...however you tell him...I know your son will be okay because you're a loving mom...and he knows it.
Hugs to you
Every kid is different but I definitely felt like I had to tell my son something more than that his dad was sick. I didn't want him to worry what would happen if he got 'sick'. So I actually told him that his dad had a problem with drugs and that he could get better and stop using the drugs if he wanted to but that right then, he didn't want to and since he didn't want to stop using drugs, his dad and I had to live apart. I told my son that sometimes people take medicine and that they like the way it makes them feel so they take more and pretty soon its hard to stop taking it. I said some people eat too much chocolate, some people eat too much ice cream...and too much can make them sick and that when people take too much medicine it makes them sick too. I told my son that I loved his dad...that I would do what I could to help him but that daddy was the only one who could decide to stop taking the drugs.
I told him it didn't have anything to do with us...that it was kind of like a sickness but it was a sickness he could get over when he decided to stop being sick. There were alot of questions...they came out in spurts.. When I told my son, he said it made him sad and I said it made me sad too and I told him that he and I would just have to pray extra hard that his daddy would decide to stop taking drugs.
My son was in the 1st grade at the time. I told him that all the adults in his life knew about the problem and that he could talk to any of them about it any time he wanted to.
My only regret (I guess) is that I told him he could talk to anyone he wanted about it and he talked to his best buddy at school and before I knew it, his best buddy said that his mom and dad didn't want the two of them to be friends anymore. Now THAT hurt. I'm not sure if I should have told him the problem was private. On one hand, I didn't want him to feel ashamed...and yet, some people are so cruel and uneducated...
When I saw my son paying a price for this at school...losing his best buddy like this...I was so hurt and angry.
Its so hard when young kids are involved. Its so hard to know what to say but I think as long as we are honest (in an age appropriate way), our kids will know they can count on us to be honest even when the topic is difficult. This is so important...especially when there is so much upheaval in their little lives.
Whatever you tell him...however you tell him...I know your son will be okay because you're a loving mom...and he knows it.
Hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Here is a link you might find useful:
Children's Books About Alcoholism and Drug Abuse
I recall this topic being discussed years ago on the Friends & Fam. of Alcoholics forum, so maybe you could do a search over there and see what pops up. I think you've been given some good advice so far.
I think it's important to acknowledge there is a problem and be truthful about it in an age-appropriate way. When I was in my teens my Mom's drinking escalated and nobody would acknowledge the problem. I was made to feel like there was something wrong with me because I was bothered and hurt by the things she said and did. That was very difficult. I think it would have helped me out to go to alateen back then, or to even have my Dad acknowledge or discuss that things weren't "normal" and could be hurtful. I think it's great that you are taking steps to help your child.
Children's Books About Alcoholism and Drug Abuse
I recall this topic being discussed years ago on the Friends & Fam. of Alcoholics forum, so maybe you could do a search over there and see what pops up. I think you've been given some good advice so far.
I think it's important to acknowledge there is a problem and be truthful about it in an age-appropriate way. When I was in my teens my Mom's drinking escalated and nobody would acknowledge the problem. I was made to feel like there was something wrong with me because I was bothered and hurt by the things she said and did. That was very difficult. I think it would have helped me out to go to alateen back then, or to even have my Dad acknowledge or discuss that things weren't "normal" and could be hurtful. I think it's great that you are taking steps to help your child.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I hate to admit it - but I was not healthy enough and I did not have the tools/skills to help my daughters when they were younger to "talk" about what was going on in our home with their dads disease.
We just kinda fumbled our way thru it.
Over the past yr or so - it pains me to say that I have been given a second chance.
I have now had to talk to my grandchildren about their Grandfather's disease.
When they are sad or worried about them and ask me questions - we talk. I tell them that it's ok to remember the "happy" times when ReeRee and Papa were together.
That their PaPa still loves them very much, but that he has a disease that keeps him from making good choices. (this is with 5 & 6 yr olds) That sometimes it makes him do things that deep down inside he really doesn't want to do cause we know our Papa would never mean to hurt you if he could stop it.
We talk about how it kinda makes us mad, sad and it just stinks somedays - cause how everything has changed.
But most of all I share with them that there are special places deep inside our hearts that love will always live and it lives in their Papa for them and absolutely NOTHING they did or every will do will stop their Papa from loving them - even if he can't show it right now.
Now, for these 5 & 6 yr olds - this seems to be doing ok right now -
Actually they talk less and less about him as the months go by. Something sparks a memory every now and then - making banana pudding, a photo or stuff like that -
Will it work forever? Who knows?
I'm just grateful for the tools of recovery to at least attempt to validate their feelings and try to help them process them - rather than deny or ignore as we did in the past.
HUGS to you and your family!
Rita
We just kinda fumbled our way thru it.
Over the past yr or so - it pains me to say that I have been given a second chance.
I have now had to talk to my grandchildren about their Grandfather's disease.
When they are sad or worried about them and ask me questions - we talk. I tell them that it's ok to remember the "happy" times when ReeRee and Papa were together.
That their PaPa still loves them very much, but that he has a disease that keeps him from making good choices. (this is with 5 & 6 yr olds) That sometimes it makes him do things that deep down inside he really doesn't want to do cause we know our Papa would never mean to hurt you if he could stop it.
We talk about how it kinda makes us mad, sad and it just stinks somedays - cause how everything has changed.
But most of all I share with them that there are special places deep inside our hearts that love will always live and it lives in their Papa for them and absolutely NOTHING they did or every will do will stop their Papa from loving them - even if he can't show it right now.
Now, for these 5 & 6 yr olds - this seems to be doing ok right now -
Actually they talk less and less about him as the months go by. Something sparks a memory every now and then - making banana pudding, a photo or stuff like that -
Will it work forever? Who knows?
I'm just grateful for the tools of recovery to at least attempt to validate their feelings and try to help them process them - rather than deny or ignore as we did in the past.
HUGS to you and your family!
Rita
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
I'm having trouble with telling them it's a sickness. To me sickness is cancer, or diabetes ....you get what I mean? Illnesses that people have no control over getting. My fear is if I tell the grandkids it's an illness they will just except drug addition as a way of life ...something that the person can't control so they shouldn't be held accountable for. That is NOT what I want the kids to think..but I also don't want them to hate their parents either. As of right now I haven't told them anything the 7yr old has always lived here with me so it's all he's ever known. He does see his parents but has never had a home with them.
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
I was told very little growing up about my father's addiction. And when I was told, it wasn't a very good description of what was really going on. You can tell him his dad is "sick" however when I was told that I always wanted to know a little more, though what you told your son sounds pretty reasonable to me... if he keeps asking more questions though I would just tell him that: His dad loves him, his dad takes things that makes him make bad choices (like hello-kitty said), and that he needs to change his behavior before you guys can see him again.
Just don't lie to him and you'll be fine. Tell him he can talk about it if he wants too and that it's not an off-limit topic with you. You should tell him its a private matter but DON'T tell him he can't tell anyone else because when my mom told me that I always felt ashamed of my father and that if I told anyone I'd be ridiculed by them. Carrying that secret for so long was tiring...it can make you isolate yourself from the rest of the kids because you feel different than everyone else. I was around 7 probably when my mom told me I couldn't tell anyone about my father or home life in general, it screws with you, I kept that secret till I was 17, told no one, had no one over to my house because of it. I'm 18 now, and if it weren't for some unfortunate events, I'd probably still be carrying that secret.
Just don't lie to him and you'll be fine. Tell him he can talk about it if he wants too and that it's not an off-limit topic with you. You should tell him its a private matter but DON'T tell him he can't tell anyone else because when my mom told me that I always felt ashamed of my father and that if I told anyone I'd be ridiculed by them. Carrying that secret for so long was tiring...it can make you isolate yourself from the rest of the kids because you feel different than everyone else. I was around 7 probably when my mom told me I couldn't tell anyone about my father or home life in general, it screws with you, I kept that secret till I was 17, told no one, had no one over to my house because of it. I'm 18 now, and if it weren't for some unfortunate events, I'd probably still be carrying that secret.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
Just tonight I had to tell the 7yr old that he wouldn't see his Dad an Mom this weekend because they are in jail. He took it pretty well I think. What I told him more or less was that they had made a bad choice an done something wrong an were being punished for it. That sometimes parents make mistakes too. Even a 7yr old knows it's wrong to steal so I didn't know what else to say except they did something stupid. He was worried about how long it would be, but seemed to understand. He lives here with his 5 cousins an I ask if he wanted to tell them what happened or wanted me to. He said he wanted to wait an tell them later cause he liked knowing something they didn't. Don't know what's up with that but I will let it rest for a few days to give him a chance to deal with it. Drugs weren't directly involved or at least they weren't charged for drugs, but for breaking an entering so I didn't mention drugs to him. Hopefully I've done the right thing. It's so hard to know what goes through a kids head at that age. He thinks all robbers are bad guys an here I just told him his Mom an Dad were robbers. God help us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I told my boys about their dad's addiction earlier this year, when my youngest was 6. I sat my boys down and said You know your dad loves you very much but I need to tell you that your dad has a disease. Your dad is trapped by a horrible disease that causes him to make bad decisions and his disease has caused him to break the law. Your dad's disease is called addiction. I also continue to tell them that they didn't do anything to cause this disease, there's nothing you can do to control it or fix it - Only your dad can if he gets help. I also went through some concepts that I had viewed on a 3 part series from the Betty Ford Clinic (alot of information on Cynical's Page) . I reiterated that dad is not bad - he is trapped and all we can do is pray that he finds the strength to get the help he needs. I continue to tell them how important it is for us to keep ourselves happy. I also contacted both of their counselors at school and their pediatrician also talked to them. I was petrified to tell my kids. However, I do believe that they are better off knowing the facts. Hang in there and keep yourself healthy.
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