noideawhattodo

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now and his drug taking is having a huge impact on our relationship. When I met him he was smoking up to 20 joints per day and our relationship suffered hugely to the point where I was off work for 3 months with stress induced migraine and I gave him a choice of his drugs or me. It would be ok if it was the occasional social joint with his friends but he grows his own and when he doesn’t have it he’s fine but when he does it is a total nightmare. He is like a child with sweets and has to almost gorge himself on it. It has got to the point where he is lying to me about smoking it and is sacrificing time with me to get stoned. He has cut down the amount he smokes a lot – to my knowledge – but it is still having an enormous impact on our lives. Our sex life suffers; he becomes paranoid and accuses me of all sorts when he is smoking.
I don’t want to just leave him as I know that he needs help but he won’t admit he has a problem. I feel like we are stuck in a vicious circle and he is ignoring any problems that I have as he is so engrossed in himself, I am in counselling and feel that my health is beginning to suffer.
What should I do? Any thoughts or suggestions as to how to help either me or him?

outonalimb

Hi Noidea...

Welcome to SR.

There is nothing you can do to 'help' your boyfriend. There is nothing you can say, nothing you can do, nothing you can threaten that will make him decide that drugs are a problem in his life. You aren't that powerful. Noone is. This board (and the world) are full of people who think they can 'save' the addict from themselves. As codependents, we try to save someone who doesn't want saving. Your boyfriend smokes weed because he wants to. Yes, there is an element of physical addiction but the choice to continue with the drug use is his and his alone to make. Bottom line, this is HIS problem...not yours.

If his drug use effects you in a negative way (and it sounds like it does), the ONLY thing you can do is help yourself. Sounds like your taking some steps in the right direction by seeking counseling and reaching out for support. I'm glad you reached out to post...there are alot of people who have walked very similar paths...you're definitely among 'friends' here...so welcome.

URMYEVERYTHING

Hello and Welcome to SR.

First, you can't help him at all. That's a useless battle. He will have to want help on his own.

Second, take care of yourself. You are doing the right thing in getting counseling. Also, you have mentioned how you have been with him only 8 months and you have missed out on so much of your life because of HIS choices. Maybe, taking a break from HIM and HIS issues would be a good starting point. Do you live with him? If not, you are in a perfect situation to ask for some space to recollect.

Hope this helps. Keep reading around. There is lots of support here. Also, educate yourself on addiction and addictive behaviors. Read the stickies at the top of the forum and become familiar with this site.

(((HUGS)))

MsPINKAcres

Welcome to our SR Family

I hate so much that you have been affected the disease of addiction - that your boyfriend is struggling with addiction. BUT I am so glad that you are doing a wonderful healthy thing - Seeking help for YOU.

As others have said - there is not much you can do for him - There is a lot you can do for YOU - and from my perspective - the best thing I can do for my loved ones - is be the very best ME I can be.

In order to be the very best ME - I have to become a healthy, self-respecting, responsible, self-loving, self-sufficient adult. Then allow my loved ones the dignity to become the same thing.

It isn't always easy but it is the most loving thing I can do for ALL of us.

For me, I learned to do this thru my SR family, recovery in Al-Anon (attending meetings), reading recovery literature, working with a sponsor, and my relationship with the God of my understanding.

It's not that you give up on your boyfriend - I don't know if you and he should be together or not - that is a decision YOU get to make. BUT in looking at your own self-improvement - it helps you have a different perspection on the situation and a healthier outlook on what is best for both of you - as a couple and as individuals.

Wishing you Serenity, Joy and Healthy Love,
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita

Chino

That part caught my eye. I don't know how familiar you are with drugs, but that part means your relationship is built on an altered reality.

IPT

I have to agree with AH. My exagf was a pothead but i didn't know if for almost a year. She was very good at hiding it and I gave her way to many second chances. I am not sure if you've been looking around her long enough to have read any of my posts but lets just say it ended up being a 4 year ride into hell. So many weekends spent alone, empty promises, let downs, pleas for second chances, appologies, and even counsulling. In the end nothing really changed except it got owrse. it's not that she didn;t say she didn't want to change. What it came down to was that in the end either she literally did not have the strength to change, or on some level just wasn't ready too...even though I with my entire heart know that she was miserable in her life and "wanted" to change.

You should protect yourself and give serious consideration to proceeding further. In my experience it gets harder and harder to let go. You get more emotionally attached to them and wrapped up in the drama, empty hopes, dreams, and promises. You keep fighting a losing battle to get your needs meet and fufill the dreams that grow feed by hope and words.

hello-kitty

Accept him the way he is because we cannot change people. People can only change themselves.

What are his actions telling you?

If the relationship is making you sick and stressed out, maybe you should ask yourself why you stay in such an unhealthy environment. Maybe try to get yourself healthy before you try to get other people healthy...

Live

3 out of 8 months with a stress induced migraine that made you unable to work...

that speaks alot to me!
First, that is almost half the time you have been with him!
Second, as another sufferer of migraines (miserably excruciating! and also a stress indicator for me..)......your body is trying very hard to tell you something! This hurts you is the message I have learned from it and no matter how hard I work at de-stressing and strenghtening myself...something that is that problematic for me that causes me that much stress and pain IS NOT GOOD FOR ME NOR IN MY BEST INTEREST...IT IS MAKING ME VERY SICK AND CAUSING ALOT OF unneccessary PAIN. It is crippling you.
Those kind of migraines tell me that I am trying to deal with or accept something that is not within my ability to live with.
That level of stress is really hard on the mind and body in so very many ways, it is bad for your health at so many levels and can leave scars.

So, frankly...I think your body is giving you the signals and answers you need.

Best wishes,
live

IPT

strangly having the answers we need (beacuse our body or mind telling us them) is only the first step. I think it is ACCEPTING reality and then taking action that is the hard part. At least for me it was. I think I had convinced myself that it was actually going to change. I knew it couldn't work as it was, and it wasn't, but it took years for me to accept that it wasn't going to change (liek she said it would, like we agreed it needed to). My mistake was waiting and hoping instead of looking at what it was RIGHT then. It may sound pessimistic to tell you not to think it might change but I guess the reality of it is very often it doesn;t. So, like mnay have said...can you live with it like it is RIGHT NOW?

imallright

Welcome. Re-read your post and pretend this was your friend who was telling you about this situation... what would you think? Sweetie, you are among friends here. You have done a great thing by reaching out and looking for help, but again, ask yourself .... IF only 8 months into this relationship you need help to deal with his use... and you have been physically ill because of this... do I need to step away and look at this more closely.

There are some who think someone using or abusing weed is not a big deal, but take it from someone who lived with an abuser way toooooo long....it isn't "just weed" and it doesn't get easier.

Keep coming back and keep reaching out to take care of you.

noideawhattodo

Thank you for all of your thoughts. I did a lot of soul searching this weekend and also had an emergency appointment with my counsellor yesterday. I have accepted that ultimately I will be unable to change him and thank you for resetting my focus on my own health - I was pulled up by HR at work the other day as concerns had been raised about me. I guess I will have to decide whether or not I want to stay in a relationship that is never going to be normal and even IF he were to stop I would still have my doubts as to whether or not he was telling the truth.

Another problem that we seem to face is that he would rather look at porn - be it in magazines or the internet - than be with me. Perhaps that is another part of his addiction or a totally separate issue altogether.

I try and talk to him about things but he always gets all defensive and said that he compares his relationship with the drugs to that of my relationship with my horses - sorry but I cannot see how 'dried plants' can be compred to three living members of my family. I had intended to take some 'time out' this week but he has not got a car so is relying on me for transport and I don't feel I can just leave him but maybe I should.....

hello-kitty

Why?

He's making you physically ill. He's causing you to be in trouble at work. He chooses porn and drugs over you. He relies on you like you are his mommy to run him around because he doesn't have a car. What exactly does he bring to this relationship? Is it worth putting up with all the childish behavior and a drug and porn addiction?

I'd ask myself, what do I really want in a relationship with someone, and then if I'm not getting it, I'd set about the business of moving on.

I'm glad you are in counseling. Keep going. Big changes don't occur overnight. Just babysteps is all it takes.

What's one small change that you can make today that will help you move you towards a better future?

noideawhattodo

Well tonight I took a HUGE step. He had been at work all day so I changed the bed, did some washing, hoovered and washed the dishes and he totally freaked out! Saying i was trying to control him, dominating him and taking away his personal space. SO I took all my stuff and left, told him to call me when he's ready for a grown up relationship!

not sure if thats it over but I have certainly taken a step back
#

URMYEVERYTHING

Good for you... now, the hard part will be what to do when he comes a callin'.

Set up your boundaries on what you are willing/willing not to hear and do when it comes to this relationship.

Good luck... I'm sure you already feel more peaceful.