is it different?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
is it different?
So often there are recommendations for us to volunteer and help others around us in the community. It makes us feel good to be able to help others. I think that is part of being human. Being able to be there for others and have others there for us at times where we may need a boost. It makes us feel good about ourselves and in general. However, isn’t that exactly what may draw us into a relationship with an addict? Isn’t that part of the pull? The feeling good that we can be the stand up person, set an example, give love, and cheer them to make the right choices?
As I sort out what I miss about my relationship (and read some old emails she sent about her thoughts, her life, and her unhappiness) I realize that on some level part of it is that it was nice to feel like I was able to be there or offer support and love to another human that was hurting. That it was empowering to hope for and stand by someone as they start to make the right choices and change their life for the better. The dysfunction I guess comes from when we continue to do it even though we get hurt and dragged in the process. When they talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. Is it really dysfunctional to want to be there for someone who is hurting and lost? If we volunteer in a shelter and provide food and a warm place to stay to alcoholics on the street is that enabling? Isn’t that just human and humane?
As I sort out what I miss about my relationship (and read some old emails she sent about her thoughts, her life, and her unhappiness) I realize that on some level part of it is that it was nice to feel like I was able to be there or offer support and love to another human that was hurting. That it was empowering to hope for and stand by someone as they start to make the right choices and change their life for the better. The dysfunction I guess comes from when we continue to do it even though we get hurt and dragged in the process. When they talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. Is it really dysfunctional to want to be there for someone who is hurting and lost? If we volunteer in a shelter and provide food and a warm place to stay to alcoholics on the street is that enabling? Isn’t that just human and humane?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi IPT.
I don't really know why but helping others such as in the community or volunteering to help animals does not "do it for me" and really only complicates my life and inconveniences me. I like to have a handful of close relationships with people I feel comfortable with, and help on a more personal level.
I am an ultra-responsible, pragmatic person who values utility, efficient use of my time, who likes to see results, and who also wants to help people. Whether it is looking up information for them, reading about medical conditions they are concerned about, helping them clean their house because they have lots of kids and no time, things like that. I'm just not the kind of girl who gossips about the latest, goes shopping at the mall, runs out to go kayaking or other "fun" kinds of things. If someone else wants to say that my desire to help others and my "inability to have fun" is "codependency" so be it. It is who I am and I have no desire to change that about myself. I don't think I could even if I WANTED to.
Even in high school I was a helper. One boyfriend asked for my help staying off drugs, so I provided him reminders to "stay clean" and he supported me by helping me with school responsibilities. It was a mutual trade and it worked. I was the kind of girl in high school who told all my friends not to drink and drive and to wear their seatbelts. Do these things make me codependent or dysfunctional?
When I was 16, a very close friend once asked to borrow money from me, "because the drug dealers are going to kill me" and so I lent it to him. My friend was 17 at the time and was afraid. I had no burning desire to help him, nor any panic over the situation. He reached out for my help and I cared about him so I loaned him the money. Is that codependency?
Looking back, I'm sure it didn't help him because it allowed him to continue his addictive lifestyle without being killed by the drug dealers, but does that make me codependent? I don't think so. I didn't ask him if he needed help nor did I force the money on him. He made his own choices. I wasn't looking for any special feeling for myself in doing so.
Whenever I have gotten into a relationship with a man, I never went into it thinking, "Oh, I've got to help him!" I've always just plainly wanted a relationship that was an equal partnership. Sometimes I got some of the things that I wanted in a relationship, sometimes not. Even in the two relationships I had with addicts there were both benefits and trade-offs. But each of the 8 men I have been involved with since age 17 certainly weren't ALL addicts or alcoholics. In fact, most of them weren't. So for me, no, I was not drawn into or pulled into relationships with addicts, with the desire to help them and feel good about it. I just wanted a life partner and saw good qualities in each of the men I have been involved with. Does the fact that two of them were addicts make me codependent? I don't think so. I felt and acted THE SAME way in ALL those relationships.
Think back a minute IPT, Did you enter your relationship with your Ex who you are trying to remain no-contact from, WANTING to take care of her and have her be dependent on you?
Whatever relationships I got in with addicts, I did so with the expectation that THEY thought like ME and wanted the same things I did. I assumed that they would take care of THEIR responsibilities, would come together to take care of joint responsibilities, and we would support one another emotionally, financially, socially, whatever. Equal and balanced. In some circumstances, each of them did. But for the most part, they couldn't, at least not consistently. That is because they are unhealthy and they CHOOSE unhealthy lifestyles. Does my hope that they would get their act together, and my frustration with the inconveniences they caused in my life make me codependent or dysfunctional?
I think what many people refer to as "caretaking" or "codependent" is just human nature, yes. So, I agree with you: It IS nice to feel like we support and provide love to others, regardless of whether or not they may be hurting. It is a wonderful feeling to witness a person living a healthy life and knowing that you played some small part in it. Does that mean you are trying to control the other person? Does the fact that I LOVE to polish silver and see the shiny results of my efforts mean I'm dysfunctional?
I have always been a relatively independent thinker, a hard worker, and a person who, once she knows what she wants for herself, goes after it. But no, I have not always known what I wanted in life and so followed other people to some degree. I have not always had the discernment it takes to choose a healthy partner. But does that make me codependent or dysfunctional? Certainly not.
The last addict in my life, who I had been very close to 30 years ago, was very bad off when I "found" him. And no, I could not in good conscience turn my back on the situation. Yes, I sacrificed a lot of my time and my personal peace and serenity to "help" this person and yes, I believe I certainly DID help him in some ways. But HE is the one who required that I enable him; I never wanted to enable him and did my best to avoid the drama and remain aware of how I might be enabling.
In the process, I was able to introduce him to A.A. and N.A., helped him to get into outpatient treatment, and convinced him to address his mental health issues. He got 6 months clean. He got some time and experience under his belt. Hopefully, when he is ready to quit for himself, he will know where to turn. Yes, it's hard to let go and "let him" stand on his own two feet, but I feel good about what I did, despite all the pain it caused me. THAT is part of growing and discovering who we are and what we are capable of. I never could have done any of the above 10 years ago.
But no matter how strong I am emotionally, no matter how routine, organized and healthy my life is, addiction, either my own or someone else's, still ALWAYS makes me sick. Strong as I thought I was, I kept getting drawn into it, and that CREATED the codependency. I could see it very clearly. Does the fact that I helped him to regain control over his personal hygiene, and purchased for him some decent clothing aside from the rags that he was wearing, make me codependent? No. I simply returned kindnesses to him that he had long ago given me.
So, you see, you are right; we often attribute our own healthy behaviors, our agape love for others, and the goodness in our hearts to something called "codependency" and "dysfunction." We even accept that codependency is a disease. It is not.
IPT, I frankly do not have THAT MUCH to contribute to a relationship except what?: I can cook, I know how to make things look good and smell good, I can sew a button on a shirt, and I can clean. Some would say that if I cook for a man, buy him clothes that I like to see him in, and scrub the toilet, that I am being codependent because he can do all those things himself. I disagree. I don't have much time, energy or attention to do much more than that. I have my OWN life to focus on. If he wants to run around trying to get me to enable him and draw me into the drama, that is HIS problem. It is just VERY difficult to maintain your own life in a healthy way while you are involved with someone with addictions.
I don't think the dysfunction is that you continued to help your Ex even though you were continuously hurt in the process. I think the dysfunction comes when you stop taking care of yourself, and you stop pursuing the life YOU want, and you sacrifice your health and your serenity, in order to care for and support someone else who should be supporting and caring for themself.
In my opinion, the questions to ask yourself are, were you helping out of the kindness of your heart or were you helping to satisfy some need within yourself? Were you pursuing your life goals and working on yourself, or were you completely immersed in and obsessed with helping her?
I don't really know why but helping others such as in the community or volunteering to help animals does not "do it for me" and really only complicates my life and inconveniences me. I like to have a handful of close relationships with people I feel comfortable with, and help on a more personal level.
I am an ultra-responsible, pragmatic person who values utility, efficient use of my time, who likes to see results, and who also wants to help people. Whether it is looking up information for them, reading about medical conditions they are concerned about, helping them clean their house because they have lots of kids and no time, things like that. I'm just not the kind of girl who gossips about the latest, goes shopping at the mall, runs out to go kayaking or other "fun" kinds of things. If someone else wants to say that my desire to help others and my "inability to have fun" is "codependency" so be it. It is who I am and I have no desire to change that about myself. I don't think I could even if I WANTED to.
Even in high school I was a helper. One boyfriend asked for my help staying off drugs, so I provided him reminders to "stay clean" and he supported me by helping me with school responsibilities. It was a mutual trade and it worked. I was the kind of girl in high school who told all my friends not to drink and drive and to wear their seatbelts. Do these things make me codependent or dysfunctional?
When I was 16, a very close friend once asked to borrow money from me, "because the drug dealers are going to kill me" and so I lent it to him. My friend was 17 at the time and was afraid. I had no burning desire to help him, nor any panic over the situation. He reached out for my help and I cared about him so I loaned him the money. Is that codependency?
Looking back, I'm sure it didn't help him because it allowed him to continue his addictive lifestyle without being killed by the drug dealers, but does that make me codependent? I don't think so. I didn't ask him if he needed help nor did I force the money on him. He made his own choices. I wasn't looking for any special feeling for myself in doing so.
Whenever I have gotten into a relationship with a man, I never went into it thinking, "Oh, I've got to help him!" I've always just plainly wanted a relationship that was an equal partnership. Sometimes I got some of the things that I wanted in a relationship, sometimes not. Even in the two relationships I had with addicts there were both benefits and trade-offs. But each of the 8 men I have been involved with since age 17 certainly weren't ALL addicts or alcoholics. In fact, most of them weren't. So for me, no, I was not drawn into or pulled into relationships with addicts, with the desire to help them and feel good about it. I just wanted a life partner and saw good qualities in each of the men I have been involved with. Does the fact that two of them were addicts make me codependent? I don't think so. I felt and acted THE SAME way in ALL those relationships.
Think back a minute IPT, Did you enter your relationship with your Ex who you are trying to remain no-contact from, WANTING to take care of her and have her be dependent on you?
Whatever relationships I got in with addicts, I did so with the expectation that THEY thought like ME and wanted the same things I did. I assumed that they would take care of THEIR responsibilities, would come together to take care of joint responsibilities, and we would support one another emotionally, financially, socially, whatever. Equal and balanced. In some circumstances, each of them did. But for the most part, they couldn't, at least not consistently. That is because they are unhealthy and they CHOOSE unhealthy lifestyles. Does my hope that they would get their act together, and my frustration with the inconveniences they caused in my life make me codependent or dysfunctional?
I think what many people refer to as "caretaking" or "codependent" is just human nature, yes. So, I agree with you: It IS nice to feel like we support and provide love to others, regardless of whether or not they may be hurting. It is a wonderful feeling to witness a person living a healthy life and knowing that you played some small part in it. Does that mean you are trying to control the other person? Does the fact that I LOVE to polish silver and see the shiny results of my efforts mean I'm dysfunctional?
I have always been a relatively independent thinker, a hard worker, and a person who, once she knows what she wants for herself, goes after it. But no, I have not always known what I wanted in life and so followed other people to some degree. I have not always had the discernment it takes to choose a healthy partner. But does that make me codependent or dysfunctional? Certainly not.
The last addict in my life, who I had been very close to 30 years ago, was very bad off when I "found" him. And no, I could not in good conscience turn my back on the situation. Yes, I sacrificed a lot of my time and my personal peace and serenity to "help" this person and yes, I believe I certainly DID help him in some ways. But HE is the one who required that I enable him; I never wanted to enable him and did my best to avoid the drama and remain aware of how I might be enabling.
In the process, I was able to introduce him to A.A. and N.A., helped him to get into outpatient treatment, and convinced him to address his mental health issues. He got 6 months clean. He got some time and experience under his belt. Hopefully, when he is ready to quit for himself, he will know where to turn. Yes, it's hard to let go and "let him" stand on his own two feet, but I feel good about what I did, despite all the pain it caused me. THAT is part of growing and discovering who we are and what we are capable of. I never could have done any of the above 10 years ago.
But no matter how strong I am emotionally, no matter how routine, organized and healthy my life is, addiction, either my own or someone else's, still ALWAYS makes me sick. Strong as I thought I was, I kept getting drawn into it, and that CREATED the codependency. I could see it very clearly. Does the fact that I helped him to regain control over his personal hygiene, and purchased for him some decent clothing aside from the rags that he was wearing, make me codependent? No. I simply returned kindnesses to him that he had long ago given me.
So, you see, you are right; we often attribute our own healthy behaviors, our agape love for others, and the goodness in our hearts to something called "codependency" and "dysfunction." We even accept that codependency is a disease. It is not.
IPT, I frankly do not have THAT MUCH to contribute to a relationship except what?: I can cook, I know how to make things look good and smell good, I can sew a button on a shirt, and I can clean. Some would say that if I cook for a man, buy him clothes that I like to see him in, and scrub the toilet, that I am being codependent because he can do all those things himself. I disagree. I don't have much time, energy or attention to do much more than that. I have my OWN life to focus on. If he wants to run around trying to get me to enable him and draw me into the drama, that is HIS problem. It is just VERY difficult to maintain your own life in a healthy way while you are involved with someone with addictions.
I don't think the dysfunction is that you continued to help your Ex even though you were continuously hurt in the process. I think the dysfunction comes when you stop taking care of yourself, and you stop pursuing the life YOU want, and you sacrifice your health and your serenity, in order to care for and support someone else who should be supporting and caring for themself.
In my opinion, the questions to ask yourself are, were you helping out of the kindness of your heart or were you helping to satisfy some need within yourself? Were you pursuing your life goals and working on yourself, or were you completely immersed in and obsessed with helping her?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I don't think the dysfunction is that you continued to help your Ex even though you were continuously hurt in the process. I think the dysfunction comes when you stop taking care of yourself, and you stop pursuing the life YOU want, and you sacrifice your health and your serenity, in order to care for and support someone else who should be supporting and caring for themself. - L2L
This is my take on codependency as well, especially now that I've been out of the addictive relationship for some time, have spent quite a few years learning how to spoil myself, AND found a new relationship with a healthy partner who gives back equally to me.
This is my take on codependency as well, especially now that I've been out of the addictive relationship for some time, have spent quite a few years learning how to spoil myself, AND found a new relationship with a healthy partner who gives back equally to me.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by tjp613 
I volunteer at a women's shelter.... and they teach detachment there as well! 
When I first embraced volunteering it connected me to something bigger than me and in doing so, revealed that my own rather insignificant woes tended to be magnified by my own self absorbtion.
Doing something productive, including pushing a broom, is healthier than sitting at home and hitting the emotional replay button with a pint of Hagen Daz.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
great input and thought provoking. I knew I could count on you all to help enlarge the perspective and highlight differences.
L2L - honestly I never really stopped my life. Admitedly though in a lot of ways it did consume me. Not sure if the consumption was really so much about getting her to get better or if it was just me trying to gain control of my life. Odd to try and gain control of "my" life by trying to control someone elses actions.... I should have just walked away but alas life is essentially about making mistakes and LEARNING from them. It took a while, but I did eventually learn. I would have been better off serving her in the capacity of a friend (with less emotional expectations and not taking things as personally) but that line was crossed and there was no going back.
On a deeper level I do believe that I had genuine compassion and caring fro trying to help and support her. It's just that the convuluted situation made things so confising and off kilter that it often didn't come across that way. I guess that was a combination of her and my issues mixed togther making a milky soup of a mess. I honestly, deep in my heart love that girl and pray for her happiness and changing her life without her actually "taking" her life because she is too overwhelmed and hopeless...
L2L - honestly I never really stopped my life. Admitedly though in a lot of ways it did consume me. Not sure if the consumption was really so much about getting her to get better or if it was just me trying to gain control of my life. Odd to try and gain control of "my" life by trying to control someone elses actions.... I should have just walked away but alas life is essentially about making mistakes and LEARNING from them. It took a while, but I did eventually learn. I would have been better off serving her in the capacity of a friend (with less emotional expectations and not taking things as personally) but that line was crossed and there was no going back.
On a deeper level I do believe that I had genuine compassion and caring fro trying to help and support her. It's just that the convuluted situation made things so confising and off kilter that it often didn't come across that way. I guess that was a combination of her and my issues mixed togther making a milky soup of a mess. I honestly, deep in my heart love that girl and pray for her happiness and changing her life without her actually "taking" her life because she is too overwhelmed and hopeless...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
actually I have done volunteer stuff in a totally different capacity that what most have mentioned. Keeping up, building, and maintaining the recreational trails in town. Additionally I am a provider participating in a pro-bono program providing health care without charge to people that qualify within the community. I have also volunteered at a bunch of marathons, triathlons, and the special olympics on a few occasions 
.
Oh yeah, and of course acted as human hoyer lift helping friends move. I got paid in beer and pizza though so I guess that doesn't count as volunteer work.
. Oh yeah, and of course acted as human hoyer lift helping friends move. I got paid in beer and pizza though so I guess that doesn't count as volunteer work.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: trenton kentucky
Posts: 53
IPT, I am a pretty big guy, so I am the first on the call list when it comes to moveing. That is the payment for me as well, but I promise it is community work, charity, and volenteer work all raped into one LOL!!!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thanks IPT
Originally Posted by IPT
great input and thought provoking. I knew I could count on you all to help enlarge the perspective and highlight differences.
L2L - honestly I never really stopped my life. Admitedly though in a lot of ways it did consume me. Not sure if the consumption was really so much about getting her to get better or if it was just me trying to gain control of my life. Odd to try and gain control of "my" life by trying to control someone elses actions.... I should have just walked away but alas life is essentially about making mistakes and LEARNING from them. It took a while, but I did eventually learn. I would have been better off serving her in the capacity of a friend (with less emotional expectations and not taking things as personally) but that line was crossed and there was no going back.
On a deeper level I do believe that I had genuine compassion and caring fro trying to help and support her. It's just that the convuluted situation made things so confising and off kilter that it often didn't come across that way. I guess that was a combination of her and my issues mixed togther making a milky soup of a mess. I honestly, deep in my heart love that girl and pray for her happiness and changing her life without her actually "taking" her life because she is too overwhelmed and hopeless...
L2L - honestly I never really stopped my life. Admitedly though in a lot of ways it did consume me. Not sure if the consumption was really so much about getting her to get better or if it was just me trying to gain control of my life. Odd to try and gain control of "my" life by trying to control someone elses actions.... I should have just walked away but alas life is essentially about making mistakes and LEARNING from them. It took a while, but I did eventually learn. I would have been better off serving her in the capacity of a friend (with less emotional expectations and not taking things as personally) but that line was crossed and there was no going back.
On a deeper level I do believe that I had genuine compassion and caring fro trying to help and support her. It's just that the convuluted situation made things so confising and off kilter that it often didn't come across that way. I guess that was a combination of her and my issues mixed togther making a milky soup of a mess. I honestly, deep in my heart love that girl and pray for her happiness and changing her life without her actually "taking" her life because she is too overwhelmed and hopeless...
After this last post of yours, I realize how on-top-of-it you really are, despite the emotional turmoil this relationship has put you thru. I really respect and admire that in you.
I see such similarity between your last post and what I went thru these last two years with my decisions. Despite the fact that I was rather strong, content being single, and confident that I could help the addicted person without getting sucked in to the drama; I DID. I saw it at the time that this person time and again drew me back into a relationship with him (and yes, I went willingly at times, not sure why) and his reasons were because he NEEDS severely codependent and enabling relationships to even continue living. Everyone in his circle is an enabler and many of them participate in the dance of codependency with him.
One of the mechanisms I now realize the addicted person used to try to create codependency between us was he would help me with things around the house he knew I either needed physical help with or esthetic kinds of things that I wanted like planting a certain kind of tree. He went to great lengths and expended great amounts of physical energy and time to accomplish these things. I always saw his efforts as "he loves me" and greatly enjoyed that we would tackle these projects (which I thought were great fun) together. But although this kind of thing is simply just one of many characteristics of what I think I want in a relationship, doing these things for one another and with one another was something altogether different to HIM. To him it was the creation, maintenance, and strengthening of a codependency between us. What he didn't get was that I have no NEED for any of this; I simply WANTED this kind of relationship with a man with whom I am compatible with. And therefore was able to maintain my distance from him and not participate in enabling him or being myself dependent on him.
I think perhaps it's just impossible to be involved with addiction and alcoholism, no matter how strong you are, without being negatively affected. It's like for two years, my heels were dug in so deeply and strongly in the ground, to keep from falling into sickness and despair, but still I got pulled into the deep, black, painful hole.
And you're right, that is LIFE and that is what it takes to learn and grow. Thank you so much for your insight and sharing. You truly inspire me today!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Originally Posted by IPT
So often there are recommendations for us to volunteer and help others around us in the community. It makes us feel good to be able to help others. I think that is part of being human. Being able to be there for others and have others there for us at times where we may need a boost. It makes us feel good about ourselves and in general. However, isn’t that exactly what may draw us into a relationship with an addict? Isn’t that part of the pull? The feeling good that we can be the stand up person, set an example, give love, and cheer them to make the right choices?
As I sort out what I miss about my relationship (and read some old emails she sent about her thoughts, her life, and her unhappiness) I realize that on some level part of it is that it was nice to feel like I was able to be there or offer support and love to another human that was hurting. That it was empowering to hope for and stand by someone as they start to make the right choices and change their life for the better. The dysfunction I guess comes from when we continue to do it even though we get hurt and dragged in the process. When they talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. Is it really dysfunctional to want to be there for someone who is hurting and lost? If we volunteer in a shelter and provide food and a warm place to stay to alcoholics on the street is that enabling? Isn’t that just human and humane?
As I sort out what I miss about my relationship (and read some old emails she sent about her thoughts, her life, and her unhappiness) I realize that on some level part of it is that it was nice to feel like I was able to be there or offer support and love to another human that was hurting. That it was empowering to hope for and stand by someone as they start to make the right choices and change their life for the better. The dysfunction I guess comes from when we continue to do it even though we get hurt and dragged in the process. When they talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. Is it really dysfunctional to want to be there for someone who is hurting and lost? If we volunteer in a shelter and provide food and a warm place to stay to alcoholics on the street is that enabling? Isn’t that just human and humane?
I think as a codie, and as a Christian who was taught to put others needs before my own, I had a difficult time understanding this and sorting it out. The best way to help victims of disaster is to send them the basic needs immediately: food, water, medicine, shelter. An addict's woes are of a different sort. They are constantly and actively creating the the circumstances that cause their own harm. The best way to help them is with tough love and boundaries. We have to sort out the best way to help. Sometimes the best way is to say, "Hands off - you have to do it for yourself!"
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Wow, EB, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? Please don't go away from this forum. Every one of your posts just opens my eyes each time I read them.
Thank you!:ghug2
Thank you!:ghug2
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
For consideration:
On Giving
Kahlil Gibran
You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.
For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?
And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?
And what is fear of need but need itself?
Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable?
There are those who give little of the much which they have--and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.
And there are those who have little and give it all.
These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.
There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.
Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.
It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;
And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving.
And is there aught you would withhold?
All you have shall some day be given;
Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors'.
You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."
The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.
They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.
Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights, is worthy of all else from you.
And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.
And what desert greater shall there be, than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?
And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?
See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.
For in truth it is life that gives unto life while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.
And you receivers... and you are all receivers... assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives.
Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings;
For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the freehearted earth for mother, and God for father.
On Giving
Kahlil Gibran
You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.
For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?
And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?
And what is fear of need but need itself?
Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable?
There are those who give little of the much which they have--and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.
And there are those who have little and give it all.
These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.
There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.
Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.
It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;
And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving.
And is there aught you would withhold?
All you have shall some day be given;
Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors'.
You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."
The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.
They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.
Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights, is worthy of all else from you.
And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.
And what desert greater shall there be, than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?
And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?
See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.
For in truth it is life that gives unto life while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.
And you receivers... and you are all receivers... assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives.
Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings;
For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the freehearted earth for mother, and God for father.
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