Struggling today
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Struggling today
For some reason I feel like I am really struggling today. It may be because I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I don't know. I just feel kind of down. Maybe this is good and it means that I am working towards recovery. Maybe I am beginning to really "feel" instead of just covering up.
I know my A was a little confused by me this morning, because I just wasn't my happy self. I didn't really want to talk about anything and I really just wanted to be left alone. I don't think I have ever allowed myself to be this way and I'm sure it was a shock for him, but it kind of feels good. Finally I get to be a b****!
I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few days and have decided that I am going to lay it on the line tonight at marriage counseling. I'm going to let him know:
- that this is all about me now not him
- that our relationship won't ever be the same
- that I have to live my life for me and no one else and do the things that make me happy
- that I truly am an introvert (he is an extrovert) and that in order to maintain my serenity, I need time alone reading or watching tv at least a few times a week and he should not take this as me distancing myself from him as it has nothing to do with him, but my own sanity
- that he needs to review his expectations of me and our relationship and realize that I may not live up to them, not because I don't love him, but because I have to take care of me now
I'm not sure how he will take this as he has been fighting to have things back the way they were. Consciously, he tells me to do things for myself, but subconsciously I don't think he likes it, because he always ends up getting mad because I'm not spending time with him. He is going to need to decide if he can live with the "new" me and accept how things will be from now on, because it is no longer all about him and that has nothing to do with my feelings for him - they are still there, I just need to love me as well.
Don't get me wrong - I haven't been ignoring him at all. On the contrary, we instant message each other at least 3 times a day, say I love you at least 10 times a day and hug at least 3 times a day. We don't get to spend a lot of time together during the week, because he gets home around 8pm and I go to bed at 9pm (can't stay up later even if I wanted to - my body just shuts down - believe me I've tried). Plus the kids have soccer practice twice a week and we don't get home until 8:30pm. I have Alanon on Monday nights. Wednesday nights we have counseling and Friday nights he goes to his son's football games (I go too if they are home games). So literally we don't get to spend much time together, but we still talk to each other quite a bit and during the week I never have any time to myself, but he plays the guilt trip on me if I decide to go to bed a half hour early and read instead of sitting with him and watching football and/or wresting (which I can't stand both). I have to have the "me" time - I've come to that realization and it has nothing to do with him. He's been sober now for over a week and it's going pretty good, except for his expectations of me. He really wants me to always be hugging all over him and asking what I can do for him. Well, I just can't do that anymore - it's not good for him or me or our relationship.
Ok - I've vented enough. I think I'm awake now.
Thanks for listening guys!!
Kitkat
I know my A was a little confused by me this morning, because I just wasn't my happy self. I didn't really want to talk about anything and I really just wanted to be left alone. I don't think I have ever allowed myself to be this way and I'm sure it was a shock for him, but it kind of feels good. Finally I get to be a b****!
I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few days and have decided that I am going to lay it on the line tonight at marriage counseling. I'm going to let him know:
- that this is all about me now not him
- that our relationship won't ever be the same
- that I have to live my life for me and no one else and do the things that make me happy
- that I truly am an introvert (he is an extrovert) and that in order to maintain my serenity, I need time alone reading or watching tv at least a few times a week and he should not take this as me distancing myself from him as it has nothing to do with him, but my own sanity
- that he needs to review his expectations of me and our relationship and realize that I may not live up to them, not because I don't love him, but because I have to take care of me now
I'm not sure how he will take this as he has been fighting to have things back the way they were. Consciously, he tells me to do things for myself, but subconsciously I don't think he likes it, because he always ends up getting mad because I'm not spending time with him. He is going to need to decide if he can live with the "new" me and accept how things will be from now on, because it is no longer all about him and that has nothing to do with my feelings for him - they are still there, I just need to love me as well.
Don't get me wrong - I haven't been ignoring him at all. On the contrary, we instant message each other at least 3 times a day, say I love you at least 10 times a day and hug at least 3 times a day. We don't get to spend a lot of time together during the week, because he gets home around 8pm and I go to bed at 9pm (can't stay up later even if I wanted to - my body just shuts down - believe me I've tried). Plus the kids have soccer practice twice a week and we don't get home until 8:30pm. I have Alanon on Monday nights. Wednesday nights we have counseling and Friday nights he goes to his son's football games (I go too if they are home games). So literally we don't get to spend much time together, but we still talk to each other quite a bit and during the week I never have any time to myself, but he plays the guilt trip on me if I decide to go to bed a half hour early and read instead of sitting with him and watching football and/or wresting (which I can't stand both). I have to have the "me" time - I've come to that realization and it has nothing to do with him. He's been sober now for over a week and it's going pretty good, except for his expectations of me. He really wants me to always be hugging all over him and asking what I can do for him. Well, I just can't do that anymore - it's not good for him or me or our relationship.
Ok - I've vented enough. I think I'm awake now.
Thanks for listening guys!!
Kitkat
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
oh, ((kitkat))
you are thinking so clear minded !
your words actualy cleared my thinking,
I feel he just has to hear you tonight
its not against him its for you and your
serenity. for whom are we good for if we're
not in the right place ? !
Hugs
liddy
you are thinking so clear minded !
your words actualy cleared my thinking,
I feel he just has to hear you tonight
its not against him its for you and your
serenity. for whom are we good for if we're
not in the right place ? !
Hugs
liddy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
((Kitkat))
Maybe you could print your post and read it to him or give it to him to read, it's so well written and very clear and not selfish at all. Good for you for recognizing your needs.
You know, it used to drive me nuts that my H would just stop what he was doing in the middle of the day and take a nap, I looked at as laziness. he didn't do this all the time but I'm not like that, I will go on no matter how tired I am. This is something he talked to me about when he was still in the recovery house and told me "I have to do this when my body tells me it's time for a nap." It dawned on me then that who am I to butt in to what is best for him and his health? At least he wasn't trying to convince me he needed a 6pack every night for good health!
Maybe you could print your post and read it to him or give it to him to read, it's so well written and very clear and not selfish at all. Good for you for recognizing your needs.
You know, it used to drive me nuts that my H would just stop what he was doing in the middle of the day and take a nap, I looked at as laziness. he didn't do this all the time but I'm not like that, I will go on no matter how tired I am. This is something he talked to me about when he was still in the recovery house and told me "I have to do this when my body tells me it's time for a nap." It dawned on me then that who am I to butt in to what is best for him and his health? At least he wasn't trying to convince me he needed a 6pack every night for good health!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
