Cath1029

I could use a lot more of this in my life as opposed to love or hate.

I had a great dinner with some friends last night. When I got back in my car, there were numerous messages from AH telling me I had to help him contact his ex-wife (we are friends) to discuss some child support arrangement. I refused to do it, and he got nasty about it. I got sucked right back into the drama and name calling and such, and it took up my energy for the rest of the night. I ended up telling him never to contact me again for any reason. He said I was a "joke" and that I don't call the shots with him. Then, of course, I had a terrible time sleeping after that.

I wish I could learn to be indifferent about these things and not engage AH's behavior. I feel like I am still addicted to the drama no matter how much progress I have made in other areas and don't know how to make that stop. I have been praying quite a bit, doing my work and going to meetings; however, it seems to all get ruined (by me) when an incident like this pops up.

No contact is very hard, but I know it's necessary for me to get healthier. Thanks for listening.

tjp613

I think I finally "got it" that going 'no contact' probably irritated them more than anything in the world and I got TREMENDOUS satisfaction from that...LOL And then I learned (finally) that not reading their stupid texts or listening to their stupid messages or reading their stupid emails left me with much greater peace of mind.

You'll "get it" too -- hopefully sooner rather than later. You're almost there.

harleyd101

Cath, I know that you have part of the 3rd step prayer on your post...the rest of it "take away my difficulties, that VICTORY over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy POWER, thy LOVE, and thy way of life" were the words that helped me to turn a corner. When I remember that God is love and power, and that the XABF is sick, I can choose to stick to the love. The XABF has no power over me today. He only has power IF I CHOOSE TO GIVE IT TO HIM! Part of the game is trying to suck me back into his misery. He can't do that if I choose not to play. No contact is the only way to take myself out of the game. From past experiences, I pick up the phone, and my peace and serenity goes right out the window. Why would I continue to do this to myself? It's been 30 days, phone is blocked, no calls or text messeges coming through. This is what peace feels like. He even took my car last week, thinking it would cripple me. My God saw fit that I had a new truck in my driveway in less than 24 hours. This is faith. I prayed that 3rd step prayer, and God severed the last tie I had to him. He also placed some great people in my life that helped me out. I can live in fear, or walk in faith. F-E-A-R: F**k Everything And Run, or F-E-A-R: Face Everything And Recover. The choice is yours, its always has been. Remember you have so many people here pulling for you, in your recovery in AA, and in your recovery from Co-dependency. I found out that my XABF resents the fact that I have found recovery (4 years clean 9/3/09) and he can't seem to get it. Oh well....this is a program for those who WANT it, not those that NEED it. Keep doing what you are doing girl...the skies the limit. Big hugs!!

Jadmack25

I can live in fear, or walk in faith.
F-E-A-R: F**k Everything And Run, or F-E-A-R: Face Everything And Recover.

Love the above. Thanks Harley.

Cath, you will find one day that you see a text from him and just yawn, then delete it.
When that happens you will know that "you have got it".

Hope it happens SOON.

God bless

transformyself

Someone brilliantly recommended I change AH name in my phone to More Stupid S*** and boy does that work! I laugh every time he calls or texts me. Instead of my heart soaring, thinking he's finally come around, I remember that this truly is just more stupid s***.

TakingCharge999

As I work with ex I imagine his body like a cursed zombie, his real self buried somewhere. And I used to be hurt by overhearing him but now when I do I just remember alcoholics lie all the time and what he is saying is probably a lie, too.

Ah, no contact, the key to seeing reality and knowing nothing was personal, its just what alcoholics do and what they are capable of giving (pain, mainly). Go no contact. Its good for your health.

Seren

Hmmm....do you have to talk to him? Is complete and total no contact in order now?

Perhaps his issues with his ex-wife are just that....HIS issues with HIS ex-wife.

Someone here told me once that:

People can't get your goat if they don't know where it's tied!

I hope you are feeling a bit better today! Hugs and prayers, HG

Cath1029

I realize that I have a lot of fear and ego getting in my own way. I can't even call it love. It's too unhealthy for that. It's very hard to stick to my guns, but I know it will be better for everyone in the long run.

I have the greatest fear that he will end up finding somebody else, as crazy as that sounds, which would be a huge blow to my ego and self-esteem, which I shouldn't even be focusing on anyway.

I just need to keep praying and doing my work in the program and surround myself with people who truly love me. I know it's the only way to heal. It's just so hard to keep focused sometimes. I have to keep my signature line below in mind though.

Thanks for the words of support. They help a lot.