So I'm a piece of crap... Now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
So I'm a piece of crap... Now what?
For weeks I have been completely verbally and emotionally abused by my AH. He's been mad that I just haven't kept my mouth shut like I did in the past. And who knows maybe there are some 'vibes' that I'm leaving even though I've kept that to myself.
I've heard everything from simple stupid things from 'that's gay' or my kids are 'stupid' to mocking me about praying. To being a crappy wife for not wanting to sleep with him (can't imagine why). To telling me what a piece of crap I am. To telling me he's taking me off our joint account so I can't spend money. He also went and baught a laptop and when I confronted him about it due to our money issues that he's always saying we have due to HIS credit card use. Boy did I hear how useless I am and he makes the money. These are the nice highlights!!!
I've just held my own under all of this because I believe none of what he says as truth; just mean dry drunk quacking. When we aren't fighting I try to be kind not mean; yet distant. But I feel like crying. The place I was hoping to get they rented to someone else. I have two other places I'm waiting to hear from. There is a new place I love! I'm so praying. I just want to tell my lawyer that once I leave I never want this guy to talk to me again!
Worse then all that he switches gears; like flicking on a light and starts acting all loving and hugging me and stuff. This was last night. I just let him hug me and I went to bed. This makes me crazy! At the very least it shows he's crazy! I'm not sure if I should play along to keep things peaceful and pray that place works and get the heck out of here. Or ask him if he's crazy; if I do that I'm sure to get more abuse. I could use a break. I don't know. I just really needed to vent... I had no where else to go... so thanks for listening... Just keep praying that I get a place that's affordable. Thanks again for listening...
I've heard everything from simple stupid things from 'that's gay' or my kids are 'stupid' to mocking me about praying. To being a crappy wife for not wanting to sleep with him (can't imagine why). To telling me what a piece of crap I am. To telling me he's taking me off our joint account so I can't spend money. He also went and baught a laptop and when I confronted him about it due to our money issues that he's always saying we have due to HIS credit card use. Boy did I hear how useless I am and he makes the money. These are the nice highlights!!!
I've just held my own under all of this because I believe none of what he says as truth; just mean dry drunk quacking. When we aren't fighting I try to be kind not mean; yet distant. But I feel like crying. The place I was hoping to get they rented to someone else. I have two other places I'm waiting to hear from. There is a new place I love! I'm so praying. I just want to tell my lawyer that once I leave I never want this guy to talk to me again!
Worse then all that he switches gears; like flicking on a light and starts acting all loving and hugging me and stuff. This was last night. I just let him hug me and I went to bed. This makes me crazy! At the very least it shows he's crazy! I'm not sure if I should play along to keep things peaceful and pray that place works and get the heck out of here. Or ask him if he's crazy; if I do that I'm sure to get more abuse. I could use a break. I don't know. I just really needed to vent... I had no where else to go... so thanks for listening... Just keep praying that I get a place that's affordable. Thanks again for listening...
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Boy is this heartwrenching to read. Thank you for posting. Thank you for your honesty. I can relate 100%.
When my AH was doing this he was having an affair, planning to see his affair partner or just ramping up to do something he knew he shouldn't. He proved that to me every time, but i kept thinking it was me.
But. I think this behavior is also just the nature of A's. My H is so self centered and mean and blames me for his choices when he doesn't like the outcome, blames me for doing what he;s supposed to do. Then comes the loving stuff. It is crazy making that's for sure. I found a website recently about leaving your passive aggressive husband and it saved me, got me out of that house. I kept saying, "I am leaving you now. It is my choice. I will be free of your toxic behavoirs. All of this is for my greater good."
I think that was so effective because my abandonment issues are triggered with him, "please don't leave me" was my motto for years despite him being a slime sucking *******.
The only advice I can give you is to try getting some distance. For years, when I would be away from him I would be miserable. Now I know I'm addicted to him. It ain't love Sister. It's something dark and malignant.
I moved out Sept 2 and laughed every morning when I woke up and after the kids went to bed. This is MY place. I can do what i want without worrying about him. I haven't known that kind of joy and hope for years.
But over the weekend I got sucked in to his raging at me through texts and emails. In fact, I started using those phrases yesterday and they help immediatly.
Now I know when and if I want to go back to his abuse, it'll be right there waiting for me, uglier than ever. Right after he tells me everything i want to hear..
Thanks again for posting. you helped me today.
When my AH was doing this he was having an affair, planning to see his affair partner or just ramping up to do something he knew he shouldn't. He proved that to me every time, but i kept thinking it was me.
But. I think this behavior is also just the nature of A's. My H is so self centered and mean and blames me for his choices when he doesn't like the outcome, blames me for doing what he;s supposed to do. Then comes the loving stuff. It is crazy making that's for sure. I found a website recently about leaving your passive aggressive husband and it saved me, got me out of that house. I kept saying, "I am leaving you now. It is my choice. I will be free of your toxic behavoirs. All of this is for my greater good."
I think that was so effective because my abandonment issues are triggered with him, "please don't leave me" was my motto for years despite him being a slime sucking *******.
The only advice I can give you is to try getting some distance. For years, when I would be away from him I would be miserable. Now I know I'm addicted to him. It ain't love Sister. It's something dark and malignant.
I moved out Sept 2 and laughed every morning when I woke up and after the kids went to bed. This is MY place. I can do what i want without worrying about him. I haven't known that kind of joy and hope for years.
But over the weekend I got sucked in to his raging at me through texts and emails. In fact, I started using those phrases yesterday and they help immediatly.
Now I know when and if I want to go back to his abuse, it'll be right there waiting for me, uglier than ever. Right after he tells me everything i want to hear..
Thanks again for posting. you helped me today.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Let me tell you from my experience with my AW. The more she felt guilty about her drinking the more she took it out on me and the kids (not so much). The A in your life is unable to point the finger at themselves as the blame and the person who loves them the most gets the brunt of their actions.
Hang in there but hang in for the right reasons. Be there for you, be good to yourself. Don't live your life by his rules and by all means hold yourself up when he puts you down. You are not what he is making you out to be.
Hang in there but hang in for the right reasons. Be there for you, be good to yourself. Don't live your life by his rules and by all means hold yourself up when he puts you down. You are not what he is making you out to be.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh Brundle. I so hope you find a place soon.
My AH does crazy stuff like that too, all the time. He switches gears and everything is my fault of course. He goes on and on and on and ON.
I just keep thinking "not forever" "not forever" "It will not be forever."
I'm trying to take one day at time. I try to stay focused on a better day and keep moving towards it. I wish I was further along in the whole healing and recovery thing - because the 'one day at a time' isn't really doing it for me today.
My AH does crazy stuff like that too, all the time. He switches gears and everything is my fault of course. He goes on and on and on and ON.
I just keep thinking "not forever" "not forever" "It will not be forever."
I'm trying to take one day at time. I try to stay focused on a better day and keep moving towards it. I wish I was further along in the whole healing and recovery thing - because the 'one day at a time' isn't really doing it for me today.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
brundle I wish God/HP facilitates your Great Escape and you get a good place soon!!
Zak thanks...
I agree the love/hate conflict they act out with whoever, is the same they have in their sick minds and has nothing to do with the people around.
One night of verbal abuse was followed with hugs and comments "you do not deserve this" oh was he right. At one moment he said "promise me you will be happy, even without me" it was heart wrenching because that "even without me" was not as in "I am the one to povides you joy" but as in "I am doomed here, you are free of this hell, walk away"
Zak thanks...
I agree the love/hate conflict they act out with whoever, is the same they have in their sick minds and has nothing to do with the people around.
One night of verbal abuse was followed with hugs and comments "you do not deserve this" oh was he right. At one moment he said "promise me you will be happy, even without me" it was heart wrenching because that "even without me" was not as in "I am the one to povides you joy" but as in "I am doomed here, you are free of this hell, walk away"
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
"I am doomed here, you are free of this hell, walk away".
That is the truth. He IS doomed to continue as he is, because he has CHOSEN to, but he is also FREE to walk thru recovery IF he ever decides to do so.
You are doomed to the same hell if you choose to stay in it, and free to choose to go.
Praying for you to receive all you need to escape this foul mouthed and degrading abuse, and have the peace, happiness and beauty that you crave.
God bless
That is the truth. He IS doomed to continue as he is, because he has CHOSEN to, but he is also FREE to walk thru recovery IF he ever decides to do so.
You are doomed to the same hell if you choose to stay in it, and free to choose to go.
Praying for you to receive all you need to escape this foul mouthed and degrading abuse, and have the peace, happiness and beauty that you crave.
God bless
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Jadmack I guess that is also another trap, in which of course I fell... thinking he was a poor victim of circumstances. As long as I felt sorry I was indeed doomed!
Thanks to SR, AA, al anon literature I know he has a choice daily, he can walk to AA anytime, but no, he choses status quo. If he was indeed hopeless there would be no recovered people and look there they are!
As FormerDoormat said, "one day you loved him, and he loved you and that's all that matters" one day I hope I can look at it that way, about anyone, just take the best of people, forget the insults..
brundle... :ghug3 I know it feels personal but it is not personal at all.. .we are just playing mirrors and whatever he says to you he is saying to himself... keep moving forward!!! ex said I was a coward.. a few days later he said I was brave... right...
Thanks to SR, AA, al anon literature I know he has a choice daily, he can walk to AA anytime, but no, he choses status quo. If he was indeed hopeless there would be no recovered people and look there they are!
As FormerDoormat said, "one day you loved him, and he loved you and that's all that matters" one day I hope I can look at it that way, about anyone, just take the best of people, forget the insults..
brundle... :ghug3 I know it feels personal but it is not personal at all.. .we are just playing mirrors and whatever he says to you he is saying to himself... keep moving forward!!! ex said I was a coward.. a few days later he said I was brave... right...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I felt my ABF was hard done by as a child with a mum who was very ill and died early, and his dad an A who could not cope. ABF spent some years in an orphanage, then farmed out to relatives and finally got lumbered with a B**ch of a stepmum. I fell for the constant "poor lil old me, boo hoo", but at long last I wised up.
Went on a visit to my Mum and met some real old friends, who were Jewish and had been in concentration camps, losing parents, siblings, their whole family some of them.
I guess when I got back home, his whinge of poor me, had been put into perspective and I told him that "He was the one who had made himself a victim, that he used it as the be all and end all for his drinking, cheating and irresponsible behavior all his life."
I related my friends' experiences and said that they could have drunk themselves into the gutter, been exactly like him, but they CHOSE to live and make their lives mean something.
Of course I got days of his quacking, and accused of "not understanding him", blah blah.
Finally I told him to button it, I was sick of hearing about how bad it was and is for him, that his brother and sister survived the same experiences and didn't constantly moan and groan about it. Told him to go to a counsellor and get help to get the monkey off his back and the chip off his shoulder, or if it wasn't that important to him, then STOP YOUR WHINING ABOUT IT ALL.
He shut up, but didn't seek help of course, for his past or his drinking.
He sees a counsellor now, and is in recovery, but what they dicuss is not my business. All I know is that for the past months he has been different, happier, supportive of me and no sign of the usual dry drunk he was when sober previously.
I said what I felt had to be said and left it with him, and I am NOT rocking his boat about that or his drinking again.
God bless
Went on a visit to my Mum and met some real old friends, who were Jewish and had been in concentration camps, losing parents, siblings, their whole family some of them.
I guess when I got back home, his whinge of poor me, had been put into perspective and I told him that "He was the one who had made himself a victim, that he used it as the be all and end all for his drinking, cheating and irresponsible behavior all his life."
I related my friends' experiences and said that they could have drunk themselves into the gutter, been exactly like him, but they CHOSE to live and make their lives mean something.
Of course I got days of his quacking, and accused of "not understanding him", blah blah.
Finally I told him to button it, I was sick of hearing about how bad it was and is for him, that his brother and sister survived the same experiences and didn't constantly moan and groan about it. Told him to go to a counsellor and get help to get the monkey off his back and the chip off his shoulder, or if it wasn't that important to him, then STOP YOUR WHINING ABOUT IT ALL.
He shut up, but didn't seek help of course, for his past or his drinking.
He sees a counsellor now, and is in recovery, but what they dicuss is not my business. All I know is that for the past months he has been different, happier, supportive of me and no sign of the usual dry drunk he was when sober previously.
I said what I felt had to be said and left it with him, and I am NOT rocking his boat about that or his drinking again.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
Hey all thanks for listening... actually I spent yesterday getting a PO box at the UPS store; theirs looks like a street address and I'm going to start having my stuff sent there.
Put in a second call on cute 3 bedroom place that I love. Praying that HP wants me there! Photo copied last years tax stuff to give to lawyer. And worked out for 30 minutes the last two days so I can kick my MSs butt!!!! I was told at my last Dr. appointment that he thought 5 years ago I would be in a wheelchair by now and he can't believe how good I'm doing! I hardly need my cane. That drives my AH crazy! He hates me healty; I'm harder to push around...
So those where the 'nice' things I did for myself. I feel much better. I have to admit, I know I'm not a piece of crap. I use that as my heading just because his quacking is just so...Ugh!!! Like who is this mean all the time? right?! One of the other things I do for me is NOT to believe anything he says. My self worth has to come from me (and my HP). If I listened to him I would have jumped out a window long ago. If he really is projecting or whatever; he must really hate himself.
Thanks again all. Your all so awesome; I wouldn't know what to do without all of you!!! This is one place I know I can come that is welcoming and loving when my home is a dark cruel place. (((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))!!!!!!
You all rock!!!!!
Put in a second call on cute 3 bedroom place that I love. Praying that HP wants me there! Photo copied last years tax stuff to give to lawyer. And worked out for 30 minutes the last two days so I can kick my MSs butt!!!! I was told at my last Dr. appointment that he thought 5 years ago I would be in a wheelchair by now and he can't believe how good I'm doing! I hardly need my cane. That drives my AH crazy! He hates me healty; I'm harder to push around...
So those where the 'nice' things I did for myself. I feel much better. I have to admit, I know I'm not a piece of crap. I use that as my heading just because his quacking is just so...Ugh!!! Like who is this mean all the time? right?! One of the other things I do for me is NOT to believe anything he says. My self worth has to come from me (and my HP). If I listened to him I would have jumped out a window long ago. If he really is projecting or whatever; he must really hate himself.
Thanks again all. Your all so awesome; I wouldn't know what to do without all of you!!! This is one place I know I can come that is welcoming and loving when my home is a dark cruel place. (((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))!!!!!!
You all rock!!!!!
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