Abundance

Blogged about it... but I feel like I can't be here without "outing" myself and BEING REAL.

Yeah... so I did. I don't want to go into deals about how/what/why - I blogged in the "reclaiming my life"... it's there.

Anywho... I'm doing okay. It was well necessary for growth - it's what- I'm telling myself.

We haven't spoken since the 2+ hour call that went by in a blink... but we have had a few texts. He texts late at night, which is far from reassuring. Another text came in stating that "he was sorry (in regards to a few hour delay in reply) for replying late and that he *thinks* he must have dosed off for a bit?" Sigh... it took under 12 hours for him to say an "i'm sorry". Not that I"m looking for things, but when things are obvious - I'm not going to ignore. Hence - me calling him to begin with.

Anyway... I just wanted to get that off my chest. More than anything - what I got out of this ..... is lovingly detachment.
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ON another note........ I start my new job tomorrow! Woot Woot! My new boss is pretty cool. He's an energy healer AND his office was decorated by a feng shui specialist! He read my energy and knew I was going to be a good fit.... I'm sure my resume helped, too.

Still don't know anything about my house. I'm going to have to call sooner than later and find out.

Peace........

IPT

funny that you post this...I have been fighting the urge all day to email my ex. Send her pics of the new house and tell her "I though we'd be sharing this, what happened?" "do you realize how much your actions hurts me?".

I have not done it, but it's been a battle all day. I am wonderign where she is at with things. PArt of me is suprised she hasn't called yet, another not suprised at all. I wish these thoughts would just go away already.

Abundance

It IS a battle.... or I should say WAS, as I broke down. I'm telling you... it was surreal how it all happened... it was a relapse. The good thing (I guess) is that I'm not wanting more...... yet! I say "yet" because that is usually how it works or has in the past. Maybe this time I am so firm in really wanting my own codie recovery and I'm releasing him to do his own? Being that our last contact was me being in angry/reactionary mode... having a detachment with love is lots more healthy for me.

Grateful I have this new job to get involved with come tomorrow.

My youngest had a headache all day, my oldest is coughing, and my throat is sore. Just blinking typical, isn't it? I hear the swine flu comes and goes.... and then makes its way back again. It will be just my luck - I'll tell ya!

IPT ... I spoke to a friend tonight, who is still holding anger towards an ex who he loved more than anything. He is having a very difficult time moving on... because he's looking at her and not himself. Make sense?

When I talked with my x, I told him the immense shame and humiliation I felt per some of my actions. He confirmed that I was just reacting.... but the thing is... I have the ability to change it up - and I didn't.

I'm so tired... I feel like I'm not able to type. night!

teke

abundance, sending hugs and prayers your way.

IPT

Maybe not at that time. I think when you are in the thick of it you don't even see the option. It is just one reaction after another. Hence the saying hindsight is 20/20. Toward the end I was able to not react but it took a lot of willpower and time on thsi place to get there.

So, how was the new job ?

Abundance

Today's first day was GRRRRRRREAT!

It's a bit of a commute, but that's okay- it's my alone and me time. Not a lot of traffic as I'm going the opposite direction.

I have found myself very fortunate that this man is a healer. I said something along the lines of "driving my x away" or something ... I really don't remember. It was somewhere along the lines of what IPT commented on. Anywho - he STOPPED me right there and told me that he wants to start the healing process with me right there. SO.. he got me to stand in front of the mirror and I repeated about 50 affirmations while looking at myself right in the eyes.

He told me that I'm going to be a changed person after working there for some time - more confident, happier, successful, all these good things. LOL

Yeah so... I have a pretty radical boss!!!

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On another good note.... My oldest who struggles in school - just signed his progress report - he is getting straight A's aside from an 87% in math. I'm SO proud of him!!! He is 11 years old and called me right after I got off work and was really excited to hear all about my first day! YEAH - my boys are so flipping COOL!

OH... and since I've lost this weight... I'm getting in my size 4/6 business suits with no problem!

I'm really grateful that some things are working out for me!

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IPT - thanks for saying that because I do too easily put myself down over what I did or didn't do. I'm not a quitter... and I don't like to fail. I'll fight to the end so I can WIN!

Trouble is.... in addiction..... there is only losing..... THAT IS IT. So, it's best just to cut my losses!

Recovery; however, that is totally different.
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itisatruth

Yeah...how did it go?? Inquiring minds want to know

(I know you did fabulous!)

IPT

Hey Abd - that is A W E S O M E and sounds like the perfect place for you! Congrats on the son's success too, good for him.

Yes, I am not a quitter either. You are correct though that no matter we do or did it was basically a no win situation.

Abundance

Hey Truth!

Well..... this week I'm "subbing" for another gal in the office as she is on vacation - which means I'm his *personal assistant*. So, the morning consisted of going to Starbucks with him, going with him to his house to get peaches and to offer me some veggies/fruits from his garden, client visit, lunch, going to Michaels and helping him pick out matting for these prints that are signed to his grandparents by Pres. Truman and Roosevelt, and dropping/picking up my van for an oil change! THEN... in the afternoon I completed 11 hours of continuing education in under TWO hours!!! wahooo!!! My license is up 9/30/09 and he covered ALL expenses. So today is like earning $200! I am getting a huge office too! Can't wait to decorate it and make it *mine*! I've also now got 2 travel over night stays on the books. One for Oct and one for Nov.

ALSO ... the personal assistant I am replacing for just this week - is also a DMB nut... (not as much as me... but she definitely "gets it"!)

It's so much fun going out with him because he KNOWS EVERYONE and everyone thinks he is the greatest. I'm beginning to learn why. I feel like I have been given such an awesome gift!

This week is just getting to know the office and the biz.... then I'll start with the marketing next week!

I feel so TOTALLY blessed!

Thanks for asking IPT and Truth!

I love my SR buds!!!!

Stellargirl

Hey Sweetness,
I knew I could find out whats up witcha via SR and sure enough, YAYE!

I am so happy to hear of all the wonderful happenings going on for you right now. 50 affirmations? AWESOME! I am glad he motivates you so well.

Okay soooo you know I'm gonna ask this...Starbucks? energy healer boss man doesn't support local coffee? whats the dealio? said with love and curiosity.

Feeling fit and healthy
Oldest boy doing EXCELLENT in school! What happened? Why now? New teacher? So happy to hear that, he is such a smart boy.

So gf, is this someone I know?
I couldn't agree with you more on
We can pray and wish that our ex's would get the help they need and stay clean and become the people we know they can be but that is a waste of our precious time, our life, so we must cut our losses and move on just like we have/are both doing.

Love you!

xoxo
stellargirl

Abundance

Love you SG!

My boss asked if I have been doing the affirmations at home. nope - i have not.

Had another convo with my x a couple of nights ago. FOUR hours long. It was good... I cried, I got angry, and I laughed.

THEN... tonight, my 9 year old was in touch with him via text. Too tired to write more about it..... but I will say that after seeing my son's courage to make contact (he doesn't know we have been in touch).... broke my heart ALL over again. Not for me, but for my son. I have guilt that he HAS been hurt... he misses him SO much. He never hurt my boys, aside from being a recluse for the last few months...... my boys have SO many fond memories.... I did a good job protecting them from the ugly. They honestly can not say anything bad that he has done towards them. They are sad, because he hurt me, but they don't "own" any of it, and nor should they. They feel badly about loving him/missing him after he had hurt me, but I tell them that it's okay for them to have these feelings. IDK... I'll add more later.

Being in contact works for me, I guess, because I am able to share with him all that is going on. He is kind to listen and comfort. However, what is the point? All it does is make him feel more like a bad person. Which is not my intent... at all. I just share it like it is. At this point, if I were to stop no-contact, probably not for my benefit - but for his.

Work is FABULOUS, boys are going flying in an airplane tomorrow (via air show) and then a football game. THEN - I. MUST. CLEAN. MY. HOUSE. as well as DO.LOADS.OF.LAUNDRY.

My emotions are drained, but I'm not hurting hurting like before. I'm more-so mourning.... accepting that I have no control over what has happened.... I can only move forward..... and in that forward motion my intentions are to do so "with love".

Man, I'm exhausted. Must.sleep.

URMYEVERYTHING

I think these two paragraphs sum it up. Sometimes, one needs to go back and make contact just to end the emotional turmoil. Even though I have not done that in my current situation as we are moving towards recovery, I can recall past relationships where there wasn't closure and the mind game/torture I put myself through on not having that last conversation was too much to continue no contact. It made it easier to move on and it also made it easier to continue the no contact rule I set to begin with because I realized that nothing really changed.

Abs, there is no right or wrong in what you did. You can only judge your tolerance level and what it is you can handle.

So, now that there has been contact.. what's the next step?

Stellargirl

You can tell yourself (or us) that its for his benefit that you think no contact would be best, but I think there's more to it than that. Or at least thats how it was for me. It's a slippery slope to be in contact and it can go in a downward spiral, oh so very quickly. I hope for you that is not the case. But I am very aware, largely because of your help, that he (my exbf) is my addiction and that like most addicts, abstaining is the only way that truly works.

Recovery= is doing what is best for you, so I will hope and pray that is what you are doing now. I love you and trust you and know you are finding your way, like we all are.

XOXO,
SG

Practice your affirmations, lil missy!

Abundance

ooops... not mean... STOP "NO" contact..... I mean "START" no contact.

Quick update, as I'm running out the door.

Keeping busy is KEY!!!!! just sayin'!

We have been in contact...

1. - 2 hour conversation
2. one week later 4 hour conversation
3. one week later 6 hour conversation
4. ... yesterday.... and we worked together as a team. He sent me a "rent" payment so that I can show proof of residency. I needed his help the day before, but he didn't get back to me until I was already asleep. I was kind of annoyed, but not really because it was just a reminder of why we are where we are.

A few months ago - my response would have been arguing his lame excuse as to why he he wasn't "there" for me.... but instead....... I got back in touch with him... and went right into the help I needed....... nothing about why didn't he do this or that or what was he doing????? etc. etc.

HE TOTALLY HELPED ME.... and I am very grateful. (Paid me rent for October... as he is *supposed* to be my tenant) <----- I'm still working on the loan modification so I can keep my house! PRAYERS and VIBES ... PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

We had our first "business transaction" in MONTHS... and it was very kewl.

When we talk it's like we are mourning together..... and we are on the same page which is... while I can't imagine myself with anyone else, I also can't imagine myself with him either....... SO... I'm by MYSELF! What he does is what he does... and visa versa.

Detaching with love is a GIFT............. :day6


Going to my healing meeting......... where she usually just breaks me down after I'm feeling so good. I don't want to go, but I KNOW it would be best if I did!

Peace and Love xoxoxoxoxo

IPT

Hey ABd - hmm, I hope you are in a good place. I was just talking with another friend who made conatct with an ex and she felt horrible the next day. Felt like it was ahuge mistake (for her at least). You on the other hand seem to be benefiting from it. I can see how it could help you move thru and mourn togther.

Personnally i don't think I could detach with love like you have. If she didn't follow thru (or not answer when i called) that would still hurt me. Still, I think about making contact everyday. I am not sure what I am looking to get out of it. I know that my ex would probably ignore the call. She is very much an avoider and that would just leave me feeling rejected again. You are fortunate that your ex is able to communicate on some level. 4 and 5 hour calls could allow for a lot of information to be exchanged. If it is helping you, and not just delaying or quick fixing the problem than i think it is great. My thoughts are with you.

Learn2Live

Hi Hunny-Bunny,

I am so glad for you that you seem to be feeling good lately, despite the contact with the Ex. And congratulations on getting that job that sounds like a great match for you!

Ya' know, it's OK to be in contact with your Ex, so I hope you aren't worrying about that. You have to do what you have to do; it's as simple as that. Jump in feet first I always say. Right?

My only feedback Abundance, is that I may be wrong but I think I recall you saying in a previous post that you have a mood disorder? I also have a mood disorder and I have to be very careful during those times when I'm feeling really good and positive about things. You may want to check in with yourself and see if you might need to mellow yourself out a bit? Just thought I'd mention that.

Lastly, about this:
This doesn't sound like a nice "healing" meeting to me. Are you sure this is benefiting you?

Abundance

Crikey.... I don't *think* I have a mood disorder......... aside from the one where I'm so empathetic to others that my mood can change........ especially when dealing with active addiction! *wink!

I do take welbutrin .... started that for smoking cessation in February - I think I kind of like it!

I think I have a more - so ... "get off your arse you lazy lady.... and make something of yourself" - high/low!

Actually... it's more like a *relief* right now. I've been stressing over my house- and there is momentum........ and now with talking with my x in a different realm is really cool too! It's a good place- that's for certain.

I get to share with him when I miss him and that I love him..... but we both know we can't be together.... for a MANY o' reasons....... but it doesn't mean we have to be mean / cruel / or think ill thoughts.

Now... if he surprised me with a trip to Italy and I just *happened* to have a passport and childcare worked out and the time/money to take off....... then I'd have something to think about! HOWEVER - there is a pretty remote chance of that happening!

So- today's healing meeting was good... she sees this confident person shining through (coming back) and she almost broke me down...... by reminding me that it's okay to be angry ... and that I have a right to be angry for all the lies he told and that he cheated... and yada yada yada... (kind of like reminding me)... and that made me sad (sorry for myself) - but screw that...... I don't want to boo-hoo and feel sorry for myself. I am where I am... and yeah it hurt like H3ll to get here and sometimes it still does..... but I have to go through it to get through it.

Gulp - I suppose I'm saying that I'm learning to accept it for what it is.... and stay in my box.

Today, I'm in a good place, I may not be where I want to be, but I'm really glad to be where I am.

Peace xo

Learn2Live

Oh, sorry Abuny. Musta' been someone else who is as demented as me LOL.
I'm glad you are in a good place and I wish that woman wasn't always trying to break you down!

Freedom1990

Kind of reminds me of sitting in a room with other meth addicts who are all shooting up and I'm sitting there thinking I'm doing fantastic!

Maybe you're unique and this whole breaking contact thing, accepting money from him, etc will work out splendidly for you!

For me, my codependency is just as progressive as my addictions should I choose to actively participate in my disease.

Daisy09

I'm glad you're in a good place...only YOU can truly know what works best for you in your situation. If you are content and things are going well, than I say good for you

~Daisy