transformyself

I've seen others post about this as well, it's reassuring because this phrase from my AH baffled me for years. Now I see it as a common response.

Why do they say this? Why say it when I draw boundaries?

It's true I may have been trying to control him when I told him that if he came home with beer I was taking the kids and leaving, but to me that was desperation. My kids can't be around that. Not one more time.

I ended taking the kids and leaving all right. for good, not for a ride to my sisters. I moved out. That's better.

Mitsy

My ex-boyfriend used to say the same thing "I WILL not be controlled". I soon got so I said "fine..I'm leaving". This phrase is part of the denial that they are a sick drunk who manipulates people in order to continue their addiction. They want to do what they want to do and if it bothers anyone else, then others are trying to control them.

I do have another slant on this though. I believe MANY of our alcoholic significant others have severe immaturity issues going on. My former guy is 41 years old and I think that is part of who he is drunk or sober. But that immaturity (even if they have no addiction) oftentimes drives the wives & girlfriends away. That incredible selfishness stirs up anger in me like I could not even express here.

As I've posted before, I think my ex-bf simply never had enough consequences to his actions. He used the pity card as an excuse to drink but when their anger is taken out on others, THAT is when the tough have to get tougher. I regret not ending things sooner with Robert. He was verbally abusive in the fall of 2007. Now, almost 2 years later, even though I'm not with him, I guarantee that if I went back to him, he would continue to be verbally abusive. The only way these men will ever learn is if they LOSE something or someone. Even then, they may not learn but that's fine if they want to continue their abuse, we won't be in the picture.

LaTeeDa

In my case I believe it was because I had literally spent years trying to do just that--control him. He assumed that my boundaries were "punishment" to get him to behave. You should have seen the look on his face when I said "You're a big boy, you can do whatever you want."

L

sailorjohn

Yeah, it's pretty stunning when I think about it. Remember my ex having that conversation with her crack/drinking buddy, sitting in bed with her listening as she talked on the phone-"men are trying to hold us down" talking about the other's boyfriends attempts to control her crack using. She used similar language in a text to me when I told her I was leaving last week.

I couldn't remember why the phrase bothered me so much, then it struck me, my Mom using the exact same phrase-"men are trying to hold us down" when she and my Dad were arguing about her drinking.

GiveLove

I was indeed trying to control my environment for a long time, in order to stop the pain. Guilty as charged. And nowadays I say, "So what?" Remember my mantra: I did the best I could with the light I had to see by at the time...

Life got exponentially happier when I finally learned to say, "Do whatever you want to do. Doesn't matter to me now. I am going to make my own decisions about what makes me happy." And learned to mean it. Glad you're on that road too, transform.

Chrysalis123

I agree with this too. XAH also told me once, "I married you hoping you would help control me." Wow, and then he resented me big time.

As for the maturity issue I now relaize I also was lacking maturity. I was "over mature" in the resposibility, dependability, and orginization areas of my life. I was immature in the areas that involved communication and or confrontation. People pleasing run amok and I am trying to grow up in that area.

transformyself

Thanks for these responses.

On my best days, I look at this man I spent 14 years with, who found his "soul mate" in a drunk, homeless homewrecker, and feel bad that he isnt' still with her because he'll be happier in that relationship than in our marriage.

But what matters most is that not only does saying, "you do what you want" give him the freedom to make his own choices, but it gives me the freedom to make the kind of life I want to have.

What kind of woman do I want to be? Todays the day to make that happen, I say.

kv816

This was actually one of the last conversations we had (if you'd call I sit down, shut up and listen to him tell me how awful a person I am a conversation). I admit, it took me awhile to figure out the difference between being controlling, giving an ultimatum and setting boundaries. At first they all kind of seemed to be the same thing. That no matter how I worded whatever I was thinking, it could be taken any of the three ways. But after I learned more through here and in the world I realized that sometimes it's not so much what you say as it is how you say it or the answer to it.

I told xabf that I would not be around him when he was drinking. He took that as my being controlling--by saying that I was forcing him not to drink. I said that I am only human and I can only handle so much. That if he continues to drink a case a day, every day then I had no choice but to leave (taken by him as an ultimatum--either he quits or I leave). I saw his anger progress with each drink and he channeled all his pain into angry words and actions towards me.

I will not be around you when you drink. I never said you COULDN'T drink.....I said I wouldn't be around you when you did. It's not controlling anyone or anything except for me. The answer is not don't drink at all--it's don't drink around ME! If you want to keep drinking every single day and channel your anger towards me KNOCK YOURSELF OUT! I didn't say you COULDN'T keep drinking every day....I said I wouldn't live with you when you did. That's not an ultimatum, it's a boundary. What I will and will not put up with in my life.

But yall know how it goes--they've ALWAYS gotta be the victim. It's always a direct attack on them.

Mitsy

I also know about their "victim" role. Robert used that a lot. His Mom had been horrible to him when he was a small child, his Dad drank and was a jerk as well. His parents divorced (probably the best thing) when he was about 7 and then his Dad remarried and stopped drinking when his wife told him she was leaving if he didn't. The Dad has been sober for about 30 years (with no help from AA or rehab) but yet Rob continues to drink. The victim role gets extremely old very fast. Even when I still had pity for his bad upbringing, I knew that if he didn't get his act together, that his drama would get old and it did. I'm fortunate I have not come face-to-face to him since June but I know I will at some point. I'm hoping by the time that happens, that I will be even more healed from this sad episode in my life. I dated some really immature & selfish men in the past BUT I must admit that none of the others drank or verbally abused me. I find it hard to believe, even now, that I got involved with this guy & got so hooked on him and took on his problems as my own. I now feel more confident that I won't get involved with another alcoholic. However, I will likely be single for a long time to come and I do get lonely BUT my life is so much better now than when I was dealing w/him & his addiction. Life does get better....the waiting part is what takes time. But, the longer I go, the more I can see how dysfunctional things were between us. I'm better off without him.

Jadmack25

I tried everything but standing on my head, to stop both my late XAH, and my ABF, to stop drinking.........of course nothing worked.

I "helped" abf thru withdrawals 14 times last year, til I left him to it. Each time he swore was the last, then when he relapsed and I blew up at him, it was me who drove him to it, and me who was trying to control his life. Hell, I was only trying to get some control over my miserable life.

Then I found SR, and sanity prevailed as I read threads and posts here that taught me so much.

I told him that if he chose to drink again, he would be free of me, as I chose to leave and get a life without anyone's alcohol problem running me.

When he did go on a binge, I avoided him and all contact. When he went off it and thru withdrawals I rang an ambulance and that was it. Oh, yes I prayed for him.

When he went home, I stayed no contact. He decided to seek help, went into counselling and a recovery program and I STAYED OUT OF IT. It is 10 months now, and he has continued sobriety and working his program, and the only time I buy into it is if he invites my input.

It is a new lease on life for us both, me not feeling stressed out over him and the what if's, and him free to do as he pleases.

How I wish I had found SR years ago, and let go then. It would have saved so much pain and misery, but maybe I needed to experience it all to appreciate the difference in my life, from then to now.

Hope you get to this lovely place soon.

God bless

PuzzledinTX

And boundaries are something I've struggled with all my life. I keep asking myself if my dad would be in the state he's in had I set boundaries sooner. I suppose it's been up to whether he's ever really wanted to stop all along...I don't think he's really hit that point.