Perfect Balance
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Perfect Balance
Thank God for Bikram yoga
It was soo hot in there today and humid and I thought I was going to die and kept praying and saying, "thank you for coming. look how strong you are."
After, I had to pick up AH from work and drive him to his place (where I just moved out with the kids.) He's getting his car back tomorrow, yay.
He was doing all sorts of dancing, trying to hook me in. I just stayed calm. 90 minutes of yoga in a 105 degree room really helps with anxiety!
So, by the time we got to his place and I came in to get another car load of stuff, he had stopped playing games. "Without you here I have no one to blame," he said. "it sucks to realize you're an A-hole."
He talked to me about how he's realizing how badly he's treated me. HOw he blames me for everything.
I listened, told him I'm sure he can sort it all out. We made plans for picking up his car and I left.
I wasn't hooked in. I didn't encourage him to get sober or anything. It's wonderful to be emotionally detached with compassion. Minute by minute, it's getting better.
It was soo hot in there today and humid and I thought I was going to die and kept praying and saying, "thank you for coming. look how strong you are."
After, I had to pick up AH from work and drive him to his place (where I just moved out with the kids.) He's getting his car back tomorrow, yay.
He was doing all sorts of dancing, trying to hook me in. I just stayed calm. 90 minutes of yoga in a 105 degree room really helps with anxiety!
So, by the time we got to his place and I came in to get another car load of stuff, he had stopped playing games. "Without you here I have no one to blame," he said. "it sucks to realize you're an A-hole."
He talked to me about how he's realizing how badly he's treated me. HOw he blames me for everything.
I listened, told him I'm sure he can sort it all out. We made plans for picking up his car and I left.
I wasn't hooked in. I didn't encourage him to get sober or anything. It's wonderful to be emotionally detached with compassion. Minute by minute, it's getting better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Isn't it amazing how we spend so much time (years, in my case) trying to show them the way, trying to get them to see how bad things really are? To no avail.....
Yet when we step back and take our hands off, they see it all on their own.
Another one of life's amazing paradoxes, I think.
L
Yet when we step back and take our hands off, they see it all on their own.
Another one of life's amazing paradoxes, I think.
L
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
It may be that he realizes he is the problem; it may be that he is trying to get you to feel sympathy for him to hook you further -- either way, you didn't let it affect you, you just let him deal with what is his and detached.
Sounds like great progress.
Sounds like great progress.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Glad you weren't taken in by the manipulation. Even the "realizing you're an a**hole" part was manipulation...glad you recognized that. Sounds like he knows exactly what you want to hear. I'm sure he'll keep working that angle (I'm sorry, I'm an a**hole, I want to be a better man, blah blah blah quack quack quack)
Very common tactic, oh man, so common.
Detachment is a beautiful thing to exercise when they start trying that door.
Behold the power of yoga (and recovery) !!! 
Very common tactic, oh man, so common.
Detachment is a beautiful thing to exercise when they start trying that door.
Minute by minute, it's getting better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 32
LOL i have been taking the whole quacking thing as meaning he is just talking a bunch of nonsensical bull****, but I must admit I was wondering about it as well. It seems like you are doing a good job detaching!
GiveLove- I have a Q for you.....when you mention using the angle of saying he is sorry, wants to change, etc., how do you know when it is an angle and when it is sincere? Is it just never sincere with an alcoholic? Or are you just supposed to wait until they go out and start actively working their program and then believe them? Just something I was wondering about.
GiveLove- I have a Q for you.....when you mention using the angle of saying he is sorry, wants to change, etc., how do you know when it is an angle and when it is sincere? Is it just never sincere with an alcoholic? Or are you just supposed to wait until they go out and start actively working their program and then believe them? Just something I was wondering about.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi bebemay! For me (and this is just for me) actions speak about a hundred times louder than words. If someone truly recognizes the depth of the damage they've caused, and truly wants to change their life, then they will understand if I say, "I need to put distance between us right now because the chaos of your addiction is destroying me." They will seek help. They will stop whining, badgering, and reminding us hourly of how great things are going to be "tomorrow" when they are absolutely going to be better. They will take responsibility for their actions, and take action to rectify what they've wrecked. They will get help for themselves. And in time, they will be able to show by their actions that they meant what they said.
And all of this will last more than a few days
That's why folks here often talk about some sort of sobriety time limit, in order to determine whether the addict is serious about recovery. Some say six months; some a year; for me it was two years. (He didn't last two weeks)
Many codependents - myself included - absolutely panic when faced with the possibility of letting some time pass, waiting and seeing. But honestly, unless you have a terminal illness, it is not the end of the world to wait until you are (more) sure someone won't rip the guts out of your life before giving things another chance. It's just self-protection.
Just my own experiences. Everyone's different.
And hey, transform: Check out this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...n-i-guess.html
And all of this will last more than a few days
That's why folks here often talk about some sort of sobriety time limit, in order to determine whether the addict is serious about recovery. Some say six months; some a year; for me it was two years. (He didn't last two weeks)
Many codependents - myself included - absolutely panic when faced with the possibility of letting some time pass, waiting and seeing. But honestly, unless you have a terminal illness, it is not the end of the world to wait until you are (more) sure someone won't rip the guts out of your life before giving things another chance. It's just self-protection.
Just my own experiences. Everyone's different.
And hey, transform: Check out this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...n-i-guess.html
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by transformyself 
So, by the time we got to his place and I came in to get another car load of stuff, he had stopped playing games. "Without you here I have no one to blame,"....
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
No, I had just done 90 minutes of yoga in a very hot humid room. I was serene.
I hope for his sake he keeps sorting this stuff out. But having the courage to step away and not get entangled brings freedom so sweet.
tjp, I have:
thrown all of his stuff out on the lawn.
given his leather jacket and golf clubs to a homeless guy walking down the street
confronted his alcoholic affair partner at work
called her boyfriend and busted her
and much much more
But being detached and unaffected and kind simultaniously is my new super power. It's what I've been looking for my whole life...
I hope for his sake he keeps sorting this stuff out. But having the courage to step away and not get entangled brings freedom so sweet.
tjp, I have:
thrown all of his stuff out on the lawn.
given his leather jacket and golf clubs to a homeless guy walking down the street
confronted his alcoholic affair partner at work
called her boyfriend and busted her
and much much more
But being detached and unaffected and kind simultaniously is my new super power. It's what I've been looking for my whole life...
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by transformyself
No, I had just done 90 minutes of yoga in a very hot humid room. I was serene.
I hope for his sake he keeps sorting this stuff out. But having the courage to step away and not get entangled brings freedom so sweet.
tjp, I have:
thrown all of his stuff out on the lawn.
given his leather jacket and golf clubs to a homeless guy walking down the street
confronted his alcoholic affair partner at work
called her boyfriend and busted her
and much much more
But being detached and unaffected and kind simultaniously is my new super power. It's what I've been looking for my whole life...
I hope for his sake he keeps sorting this stuff out. But having the courage to step away and not get entangled brings freedom so sweet.
tjp, I have:
thrown all of his stuff out on the lawn.
given his leather jacket and golf clubs to a homeless guy walking down the street
confronted his alcoholic affair partner at work
called her boyfriend and busted her
and much much more
But being detached and unaffected and kind simultaniously is my new super power. It's what I've been looking for my whole life...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by transformyself
tjp, I have:
thrown all of his stuff out on the lawn.
given his leather jacket and golf clubs to a homeless guy walking down the street
confronted his alcoholic affair partner at work
called her boyfriend and busted her
and much much more
But being detached and unaffected and kind simultaniously is my new super power. It's what I've been looking for my whole life...
thrown all of his stuff out on the lawn.
given his leather jacket and golf clubs to a homeless guy walking down the street
confronted his alcoholic affair partner at work
called her boyfriend and busted her
and much much more
But being detached and unaffected and kind simultaniously is my new super power. It's what I've been looking for my whole life...
Isn't it amazing what you can accomplish when you realize what detachment really is? When I discovered total freedom to not give a rip what people think or feel, I couldn't believe what I got done. I made six new year's resolutions in 07 and I kept them all by May or so... and these were big ones: make new friends, go on dates, learn to dance, get a new job, and do a better job... have, er, romance in my life again... The time around my divorce was the best and worst time in my life at once.
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