When does it get better?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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When does it get better?
After physically removing yourself from the insanity - when does it get better?
Meaning... when do we come out of shock? Feel less desensitized?
How long did it take you to get your own routine in place?
Did depression come and then GO?! How long?
Essentially - What is your story AFTER leaving/divorcing/separating?
Meaning... when do we come out of shock? Feel less desensitized?
How long did it take you to get your own routine in place?
Did depression come and then GO?! How long?
Essentially - What is your story AFTER leaving/divorcing/separating?
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
gee abundance, how do i answer a question like this! ok, let me see, he leave, i lose it, he leave, i lose it again and again and again.
he''s been gone now for 2yrs and when he left this time i think in my mind i just gave up on that dream. i think i accepted the fact that if i didn't let go then, i would still have to do it later. i think what has helped me was me having a different mind set. yes, it was really painful for the first maybe week or two but as time passes it gets so much easier.
for one, i practice keeping him out of my thoughts which still helps me today. for me, because of the kids, i had no choice but to immediately try to develop some kind of routine. i had to fake it until i began to make it.
can't say how long cause apart of me will still go there if i allow myself to but i remember what it was like back then and that helps me to stay focused on moving forward. i've heard that addiction has a mind of it own so sometimes i think its the power of addiction that grabs a hold on to anyone involved and IT don't want let you go.
he''s been gone now for 2yrs and when he left this time i think in my mind i just gave up on that dream. i think i accepted the fact that if i didn't let go then, i would still have to do it later. i think what has helped me was me having a different mind set. yes, it was really painful for the first maybe week or two but as time passes it gets so much easier.
for one, i practice keeping him out of my thoughts which still helps me today. for me, because of the kids, i had no choice but to immediately try to develop some kind of routine. i had to fake it until i began to make it.
can't say how long cause apart of me will still go there if i allow myself to but i remember what it was like back then and that helps me to stay focused on moving forward. i've heard that addiction has a mind of it own so sometimes i think its the power of addiction that grabs a hold on to anyone involved and IT don't want let you go.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by Abundance 
After physically removing yourself from the insanity - when does it get better?
When I made that commitment to myself to make it better. The longer I sat contemplating, second guessing, rationalizing, and on and on, the longer my progress took and the longer it took to get better.
Meaning... when do we come out of shock? Feel less desensitized?
When things return to normalcy. What I mean by normal is when the chaos has been removed. When I no longer look at myself as a victim but as a survivor with so many blessings to count. When I start to appreciate the small things in life and realize that what happened to me is something that I allowed, so why am I shocked about it? Why am I paralyzed by something I let happen and enter into my life?
How long did it take you to get your own routine in place?
I had my routine planned prior to him leaving. It was just a matter of days of when I was going to carry through on that routine. So, I guess you can say my new routine took about a 2 week adjustment period and I was back in the saddle again. I had always been on my own, so there really wasn't any fear in doing things by myself. I had given myself that time after my divorce. Looking back, I'm glad I did before getting back into the dating scene.
Did depression come and then GO?! How long?
With his first relapse, I sunk into a depression but my depression cycles ever since the birth of my son. I never had a problem with depression prior to giving birth. I could take relationship issues and move on without a care in the world. A few sniffles here and there and then moving on. I have learned to manage my depression and jump on the triggers right away and seek treatment. With his second relapse, I cried for about the normal grieving period (2 weeks) and then got myself back together.
[/B]
When I made that commitment to myself to make it better. The longer I sat contemplating, second guessing, rationalizing, and on and on, the longer my progress took and the longer it took to get better.
Meaning... when do we come out of shock? Feel less desensitized?
When things return to normalcy. What I mean by normal is when the chaos has been removed. When I no longer look at myself as a victim but as a survivor with so many blessings to count. When I start to appreciate the small things in life and realize that what happened to me is something that I allowed, so why am I shocked about it? Why am I paralyzed by something I let happen and enter into my life?
How long did it take you to get your own routine in place?
I had my routine planned prior to him leaving. It was just a matter of days of when I was going to carry through on that routine. So, I guess you can say my new routine took about a 2 week adjustment period and I was back in the saddle again. I had always been on my own, so there really wasn't any fear in doing things by myself. I had given myself that time after my divorce. Looking back, I'm glad I did before getting back into the dating scene.
Did depression come and then GO?! How long?
With his first relapse, I sunk into a depression but my depression cycles ever since the birth of my son. I never had a problem with depression prior to giving birth. I could take relationship issues and move on without a care in the world. A few sniffles here and there and then moving on. I have learned to manage my depression and jump on the triggers right away and seek treatment. With his second relapse, I cried for about the normal grieving period (2 weeks) and then got myself back together.
[/B]
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
My son's therapist (couldn't afford my own) said the grieving process is about 6 months. I went through the depression... barely had energy to do what needed to be done. Take kids to school, work, housework,etc. Got through the necessities but I was a couch potato the rest of the time. The depression comes and goes during that time, but the more time that passes by, the depression doesn't last as long... then you'll see more days in between before the next bout of depression hits.
If you have insurance, the doctors will offer anti-depressants to get you through ... I didn't have insurance, so I just toughed it out. The main thing is to keep going even when you don't "feel" like it. Eventually, it does get better!! Keep working on YOU!
My ex has been gone almost a year now... it was probably around 7 months
or so when I stopped being depressed... but there was more traumatic
events like my ex stealing everything of value from the basement the first
few months he was gone... I couldn't "do anything" because this was his address and we were married. He stole my kids motorcycle, bicycles, among
other stuff. My kids have alot of anger towards him. For a time, he lived
1/2 mile down the road from us at the drug dealers with his new GF. He still rides by the house. He hasn't seen the kids since he left. Still blames me for the kids not wanting anything to do with him, even though he abandoned us.
Thats my story... LOL...sorry to be so long!
If you have insurance, the doctors will offer anti-depressants to get you through ... I didn't have insurance, so I just toughed it out. The main thing is to keep going even when you don't "feel" like it. Eventually, it does get better!! Keep working on YOU!
My ex has been gone almost a year now... it was probably around 7 months
or so when I stopped being depressed... but there was more traumatic
events like my ex stealing everything of value from the basement the first
few months he was gone... I couldn't "do anything" because this was his address and we were married. He stole my kids motorcycle, bicycles, among
other stuff. My kids have alot of anger towards him. For a time, he lived
1/2 mile down the road from us at the drug dealers with his new GF. He still rides by the house. He hasn't seen the kids since he left. Still blames me for the kids not wanting anything to do with him, even though he abandoned us.
Thats my story... LOL...sorry to be so long!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I think too, that it depends on where you are at in your recovery as well as when acceptance takes hold and doesnt fall backwards.
Many people if not properly working on recovery will find themselves in unhealthy relationship after another
Many people if not properly working on recovery will find themselves in unhealthy relationship after another
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Originally Posted by cinderellawkids
I think too, that it depends on where you are at in your recovery as well as when acceptance takes hold and doesnt fall backwards.
to finish up the vinyl siding my ex had started on the house but never finished.
My ex used to work for him... anyway, we were on the porch talking. Well all
of a sudden a car comes barreling in my driveway. It was the ex carrying a baseball bat. He thought we were "dating". Nothing happened the guy left, we had a few words, then he left. But, I let him know it's not his business anymore, he blamed me again for the kids not having anything to do with him... i told him to look in the mirror... told him to just give me his new address... (I tried to be as nice as possible because I need his address to have the divorce papers served to.)
My point, is ... this kind of drama is the some of the insanity I lived with
so long. In the past it would have upset me, I wouldn't have been able to sleep, etc. But I slept good and it's not worrying me like in the past. If it wasn't for the support I've received here, I wouldn't be far enough along in my recovery to just not really care what he's doing.
It does kinda tick me off he's still riding by the house going to the drug dealer down the road... and the whole incident was embarrassing too... but it just affirmed, when the divorce is final, any thoughts I had about refinancing and keeping the house are gone. It will be sold... I'm getting away from this area.
Don't mean to hijack, Abundance... but OUR reactions do get better with time! (I just happen to have one of the crazier addicts out there.)
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Abundance, well, the first time you go through it, it takes longer than any subsequent times. Everyone's timing is different but I can tell you mine.
Summer 1995-December 1996: depression living with a 5-years clean crack addict not in recovery. Get engaged. Laid-off from job.
January 1997: Addict relapses. Explosion (he "cheated" on me and got STDs and I exploded). Mind spinning 24 hours a day, cannot eat, shower, or stop crying. This is when I emptied the contents of my entire kitchen onto the floor. Very quickly got medical and psychological help. Depression medication.
February 1997: went to live with sister-in-law and brother. Insist on paying them $25 a month to cover something (notice refusal to be completely dependent on someone else for MY responsibilities?). Somehow wandered into Al-Anon. Start journaling and reading book after book after book to try to stop crying and get this brain to stop thinking so I can sleep.
January-August 1997: major clinical depression, pain, hurt, scrambling, zombie-like, walking around in the dead of winter with no shoes, no coat, nothing. Panic, confusion, (EVERYTHING you already have experienced yourself). Medication begins to really kick in after about 3 months. Still trying to be in relationship with the addict-learning what this means. Learning little by little about addiction and recovery. Journaling, Read books. Al-Anon.
August 1997: strong enough to eat "normally," get a part-time, casual job. Still trying to be in relationship with the addict-learning what this means. Journaling, Read books. Still in Al-Anon, learning. Get myself off the medication.
January 1998: strong enough to take some fun classes at the community college. Still trying to be in relationship with the addict. Suffering through the pain and panic of continuing to do so. Learning detachment. Journaling, Read books. Read Bible. Al-Anon.
July 1998: strong enough to move out of brother's, rent a room with a family, Still trying to be in relationship with the addict. Suffering through the pain and panic of continuing to do so. But able to detach sometimes. Journaling, Read books. Al-Anon. Enroll at 4-year university.
August 1998: start at the 4-year university. Once I got there and got acclimated, and focused fully on MYSELF and MY education, all that mess was HISTORY. I've never had another painful feeling or thought about him since then. It's been an incredible life ever since.
I don't know if this is your first time in Recovery. In my opinion, you can reasonably expect to get progressively better with every new thing you learn and every new thing you do. The more you step out of your own comfort zone, and the more you explore and focus on what you want for YOURSELF, the faster it goes.
Summer 1995-December 1996: depression living with a 5-years clean crack addict not in recovery. Get engaged. Laid-off from job.
January 1997: Addict relapses. Explosion (he "cheated" on me and got STDs and I exploded). Mind spinning 24 hours a day, cannot eat, shower, or stop crying. This is when I emptied the contents of my entire kitchen onto the floor. Very quickly got medical and psychological help. Depression medication.
February 1997: went to live with sister-in-law and brother. Insist on paying them $25 a month to cover something (notice refusal to be completely dependent on someone else for MY responsibilities?). Somehow wandered into Al-Anon. Start journaling and reading book after book after book to try to stop crying and get this brain to stop thinking so I can sleep.
January-August 1997: major clinical depression, pain, hurt, scrambling, zombie-like, walking around in the dead of winter with no shoes, no coat, nothing. Panic, confusion, (EVERYTHING you already have experienced yourself). Medication begins to really kick in after about 3 months. Still trying to be in relationship with the addict-learning what this means. Learning little by little about addiction and recovery. Journaling, Read books. Al-Anon.
August 1997: strong enough to eat "normally," get a part-time, casual job. Still trying to be in relationship with the addict-learning what this means. Journaling, Read books. Still in Al-Anon, learning. Get myself off the medication.
January 1998: strong enough to take some fun classes at the community college. Still trying to be in relationship with the addict. Suffering through the pain and panic of continuing to do so. Learning detachment. Journaling, Read books. Read Bible. Al-Anon.
July 1998: strong enough to move out of brother's, rent a room with a family, Still trying to be in relationship with the addict. Suffering through the pain and panic of continuing to do so. But able to detach sometimes. Journaling, Read books. Al-Anon. Enroll at 4-year university.
August 1998: start at the 4-year university. Once I got there and got acclimated, and focused fully on MYSELF and MY education, all that mess was HISTORY. I've never had another painful feeling or thought about him since then. It's been an incredible life ever since.
I don't know if this is your first time in Recovery. In my opinion, you can reasonably expect to get progressively better with every new thing you learn and every new thing you do. The more you step out of your own comfort zone, and the more you explore and focus on what you want for YOURSELF, the faster it goes.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: 49th State
Posts: 41
So when DOES it get better? Good question for today because I feel like I am not getting better at all. I am frustrated and angry and furious. I have had zero contact with the addict for 9 days today. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. He wrote me a dear john letter saying he wanted a divorce. I am so angry today, I just want to scream and yell at him and tell him to go f himself. If he were here I would want to sock him one or choke him. I am just so mad!!
I pray, I read, tonight is an alanon meeting. I am busy tomorrow and wednesday and have a lunch date with a dear friend of mine. But I am not looking forward to any of these events right now, because I want him to cut me loose, or knock it off and stop being so stupid! The logic part of my brain says: "it's the disease, this is what an addict does, these negative feelings are your disease of codependency, you're still trying to get him to do what YOU want, you're not trusting your HP to do things in his time frame," but the emotional side of my brain heart whatever, says: ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP!!! I can't take it anymore!!! I just want to knock his block off!! But I know that won't do any good anyway, just feed his need to be punished.
I am just tired of this whole scenario. I am trying to do things differently, and work on me. Sometimes I just get tired of working on me, it's easier to be futile and focus on him! Then all my energy is used up and I don't have to work on me!
I am looking forward to things getting better. I am ready for things to get better, I think. I hope I am.
I pray, I read, tonight is an alanon meeting. I am busy tomorrow and wednesday and have a lunch date with a dear friend of mine. But I am not looking forward to any of these events right now, because I want him to cut me loose, or knock it off and stop being so stupid! The logic part of my brain says: "it's the disease, this is what an addict does, these negative feelings are your disease of codependency, you're still trying to get him to do what YOU want, you're not trusting your HP to do things in his time frame," but the emotional side of my brain heart whatever, says: ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP!!! I can't take it anymore!!! I just want to knock his block off!! But I know that won't do any good anyway, just feed his need to be punished.
I am just tired of this whole scenario. I am trying to do things differently, and work on me. Sometimes I just get tired of working on me, it's easier to be futile and focus on him! Then all my energy is used up and I don't have to work on me!
I am looking forward to things getting better. I am ready for things to get better, I think. I hope I am.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Q: When does it get better?
A: Just as soon as you want to get better.
Not meaning to sound flippant here... it took me decades to get here and I believe the only person that ever held me back, was me.
A: Just as soon as you want to get better.
Not meaning to sound flippant here... it took me decades to get here and I believe the only person that ever held me back, was me.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
It is hard to really pinpoint time of repair. For me, it was all said and done with a divorce 2 years ago...no more. The 1st year after I was striving to move on, always in doubt of what I was doing was right. Getting the house ready for sale to move, up root the boys and pray I was sane in my thinking. I had to have alot of support from family and friends to back me, I was just so unsure of myself. It all came together and we moved. So that was the 1st year, the 2nd year this past year, I have been the most contect. Settled and at ease inside. I posted in another thread tonight, I had a really bad habit of nail biting for as long as I can remember, in the last 2 months without trying I have finger nails.
I have no contact with him, nor do I talk or see anyone who knows him including my in-laws. I know nothing that he does, we don't even live in the same province. I think that if he was around it would it would have been more difficult. I can have my off day but they are far and few. I use to hate to come home from work, night was the worst for me, now I love my alone time. I might go after work for dinner with a friend, but I don't make it a long night, just like to go home get my pj's on read a magazine or watch a movie.
It might have been a sooner if I didn't have that year of getting the house ready to sell and then the hastle of it up for sale and people coming and going looking at it, but maybe that was all part of the plan.
You will get there, I promise!
Rose
I have no contact with him, nor do I talk or see anyone who knows him including my in-laws. I know nothing that he does, we don't even live in the same province. I think that if he was around it would it would have been more difficult. I can have my off day but they are far and few. I use to hate to come home from work, night was the worst for me, now I love my alone time. I might go after work for dinner with a friend, but I don't make it a long night, just like to go home get my pj's on read a magazine or watch a movie.
It might have been a sooner if I didn't have that year of getting the house ready to sell and then the hastle of it up for sale and people coming and going looking at it, but maybe that was all part of the plan.
You will get there, I promise!
Rose
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Maybe I'm just having a much harder time than I have thus far -
Reading "what comes next" ESH is helping.......
I want it to get better....
6 months is a reoccurring theme... half way there; as well as, NO CONTACT.
L2L- I can see that with something new it helps. :::thinking of *new* things:::
Thank you everyone for sharing your "after" stories..... please keep sharing because it's giving much hope.
xoxo
Reading "what comes next" ESH is helping.......
I want it to get better....
6 months is a reoccurring theme... half way there; as well as, NO CONTACT.
L2L- I can see that with something new it helps. :::thinking of *new* things:::
Thank you everyone for sharing your "after" stories..... please keep sharing because it's giving much hope.
xoxo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
Right on about crack addicts. They're like bad pennies....they just keep turning up everywhere!
My addict, despite professing to be working a program, insisted on repeatedly attempting to contact me after I politely and firmly asked him to stop for good. He would text me intermittently. I would delete the messages before even opening them.
He would send me messages around the holidays...again, I chose to delete them immediately and not respond at all.
He would send me emails through Facebook. I had to block him.
They are persistent. Don't fool yourself into thinking this type of thing has anything at all to do with what you mean to them, or that they must REALLY love you or else they would have left you alone, or that this is their way of showing you how "special" you are to them....I think this dogged persistence is just a universal crack addict trait...always trying to keep one toe in the door, in case they're ever in trouble again and need someone to bail them out.
My addict, despite professing to be working a program, insisted on repeatedly attempting to contact me after I politely and firmly asked him to stop for good. He would text me intermittently. I would delete the messages before even opening them.
He would send me messages around the holidays...again, I chose to delete them immediately and not respond at all.
He would send me emails through Facebook. I had to block him.
They are persistent. Don't fool yourself into thinking this type of thing has anything at all to do with what you mean to them, or that they must REALLY love you or else they would have left you alone, or that this is their way of showing you how "special" you are to them....I think this dogged persistence is just a universal crack addict trait...always trying to keep one toe in the door, in case they're ever in trouble again and need someone to bail them out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
*Emotions of Grief during a Breakup
The Emotions of Grief During A Breakup
June 29, 2007 by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.
Getting Past Your Past
There are 3 “phases” of grief: 1) shock and denial, 2) great emotion, 3) acceptance, reorganization and integration.
The bulk of grief work is done in the middle phase which is where all the emotional turmoil takes place.
Phase One: Shock and Disbelief
Sometimes when a breakup is sudden, it seems too much to deal with and the mind goes numb, shutting down and refusing to deal for a time. It could be a minute, a day, weeks or months. Sometimes people stay in contact to avoid truly moving on or facing the cold, hard fact that they have broken up. They will call each other, write each other, not tell friends and family and generally play the “if I don’t acknowledge it maybe it will go away” game. If one person is taking it hard and maintaining contact, the other may indulge them for a while, unsure of how to go on from here. Either way, both people are in denial and need to decide if they are broken up or if they’re not.
To move through this phase, acknowledge that you had a loss and resolve to work through it.
Phase Two: Review and Painful Relinquishment
If you are the person who did not see the breakup coming, the shock stage will probably last longer. You may feel as if you were punched in the solar plexus. You might feel as if the world is moving beneath your feet. You may feel that there is an unimaginable void in your world that you can’t do anything about. You may feel lost, and alone, and in incredible pain. These are the normal emotions of grief.
Review is a necessary part of the grief process. This can be upsetting because it may seem like you cannot stop thinking about your relationship or your ex. You might recount the breakup scene over and over again. You wish your mind would shut it all off, but it doesn’t. It seems to continue on and on.
This can be maddening, but it is necessary to review the relationship in order to work through it and be over it. Thinking about them constantly does not mean that you can’t get over it, it means that you are getting over it. While it can be crazy-making, the constant rumination is about letting go, not holding on. Yes it will drive you crazy but just know that the healing process DEMANDS that you play the movie in your head over and over again to sift through the ruins. To cry about the good times, to get angry (again) about the bad times, to wonder where it all went wrong. Yes, this phase is HARD and it HURTS but its necessary.
Devastation
Let’s go back to the breakup scene. The person you are in love with, and whom you thought was in love with you, says it’s over. Even if it was expected, even if you were not getting along, even if you knew there was a chance that things were not going to work out, you are devastated.
If you did not see it coming, you’re even more devastated. If it ended because they cheated on you, or they lied to you, or they abused you in some way, it’s even more devastating. Even if some of those traumatic scenes did not happen to you, do not minimize your feelings. Do not say, “Oh, but it didn’t happen in a bad way.” It happened the way it happened, and it hurts, and that’s all you need to know. Do not rationalize or justify your feelings away. Your feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. Let them be.
Do not mistake the amount of pain you feel for the amount of love you had for that person. Your level of pain has to do with your own sensitivity, the other unresolved losses in your life, and how many secondary losses you may have experienced as a result of this breakup. The pain is normal and healthy even if it feels like it is not.
Disorganization and Confusion
After a breakup, you might also feel physically incapacitated in some way. You have trouble sleeping, or you sleep too much. You can’t think. You become accident-prone. You have trouble putting a sentence together. You have no idea what’s going on. This is normal. It is all part of the disorganization of grief. You feel scattered; you feel overwhelmed by feelings.
Grieving causes confusion and disorganization. Be gentle with yourself during these many iterations of the grief process. Allow the normal and natural grief process to happen. It is an ultimately healing process and you will be glad you went through it.
The sadness and disorganization feels extreme to people who are experiencing it for the first time. This is often when people try to shut it down and repress what they are feeling. Don’t do it. It’s hard but allow yourself to fall apart; allow yourself the disorganization and confusion.
There will be days when your mind feels fuzzy, like you have a mental flu or something. You might find yourself unable to remember things. You might miss appointments or forget important matters. Write things down. Keep your schedule light. Realize you’re going through something and don’t chastize yourself for being forgetful. Try to put some reminders in place and don’t overload your schedule. Be gentle with yourself.
Anger
After a breakup, anger is an appropriate reaction. When something has been taken away, people feel angry. Feeling the anger is okay. Acting on the anger is not. You can and should acknowledge your anger, own your anger, write about your anger, talk about your anger and eventually it will dissipate. What you should not do is act out or lash out in anger. That is not okay.
If you try to repress your anger because you think that your anger is “unacceptable” or “bad” or “wrong” it will manifest itself in other ways. Some people refuse to acknowledge anger but go through life taking it out on other people, acting irritated all the time, being prone to bad moods and acting generally foul and bitter. These are all variations of unexpressed anger. If you have been going through life in an unexplained sour mood, you may have anger issues.
Facing the anger for the first time may result in not just feeling angry, but feeling rageful. Acknowledging your losses and your anger can be overwhelming. It’s good to acknowledge it and let it out but not to TAKE IT OUT on anyone. Be mindful when you are driving or interacting with other people that you are angry and don’t take your anger out on the wrong people. That is NOT okay. It’s not even okay to take it out on the person who is the reason for your anger. Your anger belongs to you. Own it. Deal with it.
There is an expression that depression is anger turned inward. Conversely, anger is often sadness turned outward. After you express anger you may feel incredibly sad and exhausted. Working out anger often leads to sadness and visa versa. Know that sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin.
Guilt
Guilt is a normal part of the grief process. No matter how good you were in the relationship, we are human, and there will always be guilt about what was done or not done, what was said or not said. The guilt can lead you to think you caused the breakup, and if you just apologize enough or do things differently, it will all be okay. You cannot move on if you still think you can fix it, or obsess about what you did or did not do. Guilt often comes from thinking we have control where we have none. Guilt stems from our inability to accept what has happened, and a misguided sense of having power over the situation of being able to go back and fix it.
There is no way to go back and redo it, and even if you could, it does not change the outcome. What happened has happened. Going back is not going to be productive.
Dwelling on the past is not going to change things. Obsessing about trying to change things, or being guilty, is keeping you from your work. Even if you could change it, it’s over. Deal with that.
Searching
After any loss, the mind tries to put the world back the way it was. If someone or something is lost, there is an impulse to look for it. It is the mind’s way of reordering the world the way it “should” be. This results in the urge to search.
It is uncomfortable but it passes…the less you give into it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets. You don’t want to lose your way or get into an accident…you want to stay strong and know where you are. Journal. Write letters to the ex that you don’t mail. Sit on your hands. Call a friend and say you’re going crazy can you talk. Go to a movie. Do SOMETHING but don’t connect.
You will cycle through all these emotions several times. It’s hard and it hurts but get enough rest, have support in your life, eat right, exercise and start finding new interests and new friends.
You can get through the feelings. It’s all just temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS.
June 29, 2007 by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.
Getting Past Your Past
There are 3 “phases” of grief: 1) shock and denial, 2) great emotion, 3) acceptance, reorganization and integration.
The bulk of grief work is done in the middle phase which is where all the emotional turmoil takes place.
Phase One: Shock and Disbelief
Sometimes when a breakup is sudden, it seems too much to deal with and the mind goes numb, shutting down and refusing to deal for a time. It could be a minute, a day, weeks or months. Sometimes people stay in contact to avoid truly moving on or facing the cold, hard fact that they have broken up. They will call each other, write each other, not tell friends and family and generally play the “if I don’t acknowledge it maybe it will go away” game. If one person is taking it hard and maintaining contact, the other may indulge them for a while, unsure of how to go on from here. Either way, both people are in denial and need to decide if they are broken up or if they’re not.
To move through this phase, acknowledge that you had a loss and resolve to work through it.
Phase Two: Review and Painful Relinquishment
If you are the person who did not see the breakup coming, the shock stage will probably last longer. You may feel as if you were punched in the solar plexus. You might feel as if the world is moving beneath your feet. You may feel that there is an unimaginable void in your world that you can’t do anything about. You may feel lost, and alone, and in incredible pain. These are the normal emotions of grief.
Review is a necessary part of the grief process. This can be upsetting because it may seem like you cannot stop thinking about your relationship or your ex. You might recount the breakup scene over and over again. You wish your mind would shut it all off, but it doesn’t. It seems to continue on and on.
This can be maddening, but it is necessary to review the relationship in order to work through it and be over it. Thinking about them constantly does not mean that you can’t get over it, it means that you are getting over it. While it can be crazy-making, the constant rumination is about letting go, not holding on. Yes it will drive you crazy but just know that the healing process DEMANDS that you play the movie in your head over and over again to sift through the ruins. To cry about the good times, to get angry (again) about the bad times, to wonder where it all went wrong. Yes, this phase is HARD and it HURTS but its necessary.
Devastation
Let’s go back to the breakup scene. The person you are in love with, and whom you thought was in love with you, says it’s over. Even if it was expected, even if you were not getting along, even if you knew there was a chance that things were not going to work out, you are devastated.
If you did not see it coming, you’re even more devastated. If it ended because they cheated on you, or they lied to you, or they abused you in some way, it’s even more devastating. Even if some of those traumatic scenes did not happen to you, do not minimize your feelings. Do not say, “Oh, but it didn’t happen in a bad way.” It happened the way it happened, and it hurts, and that’s all you need to know. Do not rationalize or justify your feelings away. Your feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. Let them be.
Do not mistake the amount of pain you feel for the amount of love you had for that person. Your level of pain has to do with your own sensitivity, the other unresolved losses in your life, and how many secondary losses you may have experienced as a result of this breakup. The pain is normal and healthy even if it feels like it is not.
Disorganization and Confusion
After a breakup, you might also feel physically incapacitated in some way. You have trouble sleeping, or you sleep too much. You can’t think. You become accident-prone. You have trouble putting a sentence together. You have no idea what’s going on. This is normal. It is all part of the disorganization of grief. You feel scattered; you feel overwhelmed by feelings.
Grieving causes confusion and disorganization. Be gentle with yourself during these many iterations of the grief process. Allow the normal and natural grief process to happen. It is an ultimately healing process and you will be glad you went through it.
The sadness and disorganization feels extreme to people who are experiencing it for the first time. This is often when people try to shut it down and repress what they are feeling. Don’t do it. It’s hard but allow yourself to fall apart; allow yourself the disorganization and confusion.
There will be days when your mind feels fuzzy, like you have a mental flu or something. You might find yourself unable to remember things. You might miss appointments or forget important matters. Write things down. Keep your schedule light. Realize you’re going through something and don’t chastize yourself for being forgetful. Try to put some reminders in place and don’t overload your schedule. Be gentle with yourself.
Anger
After a breakup, anger is an appropriate reaction. When something has been taken away, people feel angry. Feeling the anger is okay. Acting on the anger is not. You can and should acknowledge your anger, own your anger, write about your anger, talk about your anger and eventually it will dissipate. What you should not do is act out or lash out in anger. That is not okay.
If you try to repress your anger because you think that your anger is “unacceptable” or “bad” or “wrong” it will manifest itself in other ways. Some people refuse to acknowledge anger but go through life taking it out on other people, acting irritated all the time, being prone to bad moods and acting generally foul and bitter. These are all variations of unexpressed anger. If you have been going through life in an unexplained sour mood, you may have anger issues.
Facing the anger for the first time may result in not just feeling angry, but feeling rageful. Acknowledging your losses and your anger can be overwhelming. It’s good to acknowledge it and let it out but not to TAKE IT OUT on anyone. Be mindful when you are driving or interacting with other people that you are angry and don’t take your anger out on the wrong people. That is NOT okay. It’s not even okay to take it out on the person who is the reason for your anger. Your anger belongs to you. Own it. Deal with it.
There is an expression that depression is anger turned inward. Conversely, anger is often sadness turned outward. After you express anger you may feel incredibly sad and exhausted. Working out anger often leads to sadness and visa versa. Know that sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin.
Guilt
Guilt is a normal part of the grief process. No matter how good you were in the relationship, we are human, and there will always be guilt about what was done or not done, what was said or not said. The guilt can lead you to think you caused the breakup, and if you just apologize enough or do things differently, it will all be okay. You cannot move on if you still think you can fix it, or obsess about what you did or did not do. Guilt often comes from thinking we have control where we have none. Guilt stems from our inability to accept what has happened, and a misguided sense of having power over the situation of being able to go back and fix it.
There is no way to go back and redo it, and even if you could, it does not change the outcome. What happened has happened. Going back is not going to be productive.
Dwelling on the past is not going to change things. Obsessing about trying to change things, or being guilty, is keeping you from your work. Even if you could change it, it’s over. Deal with that.
Searching
After any loss, the mind tries to put the world back the way it was. If someone or something is lost, there is an impulse to look for it. It is the mind’s way of reordering the world the way it “should” be. This results in the urge to search.
It is uncomfortable but it passes…the less you give into it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets. You don’t want to lose your way or get into an accident…you want to stay strong and know where you are. Journal. Write letters to the ex that you don’t mail. Sit on your hands. Call a friend and say you’re going crazy can you talk. Go to a movie. Do SOMETHING but don’t connect.
You will cycle through all these emotions several times. It’s hard and it hurts but get enough rest, have support in your life, eat right, exercise and start finding new interests and new friends.
You can get through the feelings. It’s all just temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Since Friday... I have been a total mess.... tearful and very depressed. I know I have to go through it to get through it.... but this is getting ridiculous. Had my healing meeting today and I'm going to start the depression/anxiety workshop again tonight.... going back to 3 hours a week of healing/therapy.
Please share your stories of where you are now since you left the insanity... WHAT HAPPENS NEXT ?...........
When I left my xah yearsssss ago... I got pregnant right away with my friend's baby... and my pregnancy/baby filled any/all holes that were in me at the time and I moved on. NOW - from this relationship - I am filling my own holes, and hot dayumm it's a painful process. For the first time in my life - I'm actually grieving a relationship. My *x* represents SO MANY "FIRSTS" in my life.
Please share your stories of where you are now since you left the insanity... WHAT HAPPENS NEXT ?...........
When I left my xah yearsssss ago... I got pregnant right away with my friend's baby... and my pregnancy/baby filled any/all holes that were in me at the time and I moved on. NOW - from this relationship - I am filling my own holes, and hot dayumm it's a painful process. For the first time in my life - I'm actually grieving a relationship. My *x* represents SO MANY "FIRSTS" in my life.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Abundance
Please share your stories of where you are now since you left the insanity... WHAT HAPPENS NEXT ?...........
I also began volunteering for a cat rescue group. I find that helping others helps me. It puts things into perspective for me and helps me to realize that I don't have it so bad, you know?
There were certainly times where I indulged in a pity-party, but I never allowed myself to wallow for more than 24 hours. It's just not productive. Life is meant to be lived.
ETA: I just realized I didn't really finish my thoughts here.
I started dating the man who is now my husband. We dated for a little over a year, got engaged, and got married about a year after that. He is wonderful. We are not without our issues from time to time (there is no such thing as a perfect relationship) but I am happy to say that neither addiction nor codependence are among those issues. He is a great partner, stable, loving, reliable. He is not as "exciting" as my ex-ABF but that kind of excitement is not what I wanted long-term for my life.
Let's see, what else? Oh. I changed jobs several times over the years, in order to have progressively more responsibilities and earn a better salary.
I went back to college last year part-time and have a 4.0 GPA. I put that on hold after this past spring semester, when I got pregnant. This is my first pregnancy (we've been trying for about 2 years) and it has been ROUGH. Every awful symptom of pregnancy you could think of, I have had and then some! I decided to put school on hold until after the little one comes...she is due in early December. I will probably resume classes in the summer of 2010. Throughout my pregnancy, my husband has been awesome, supportive and understanding. He has picked up the slack in the housework, etc. and has been very involved. I know he will be a great dad.
My life is wonderful, full and happy. I have great friends and a family who loves me. I have good health overall. I am grateful for EVERYTHING. And yet I have no regrets of the time I spent with my ex-ABF. Those three years were a tremendous learning experience for me and have shaped me into the person I am today. I just had to learn to stop getting in my own way.
Last edited by truthhurts; 09-23-2009 at 02:19 PM.
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Thank you so so so much for adding more!
Congratulations again on your pregnancy. What a TRUE gift! I had rough pregnancies too, but I loved every single minute of it! Even the rough times because it just meant that I was STILL pregnant..... like a constant reminder!
Congratulations again on your pregnancy. What a TRUE gift! I had rough pregnancies too, but I loved every single minute of it! Even the rough times because it just meant that I was STILL pregnant..... like a constant reminder!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hey again Abundance.
Thanks for your post. I have been feeling pretty down lately and the info you have shared has been helpful this afternoon. Even though I'm sad...
I think the fact that I judged the other person (crackhead #1, 12 years ago) made it easier for me to move on. I think I just was so disgusted to know what that person had done with another person of the opposite sex (long story) that I judged them. It was easy and I moved on. Looking back now, though, I see how judging him made it easy for me THEN, but judging someone else is not working through your own issues. Therefore, I now believe the fact that I didn't do all the work back then brought the entire lesson back for me to learn, now 12 years later! All I have to say to that is POOP!!! I wish I had done it "right" the FIRST time!
This time, Abundance, (crackhead #2) I have been so sad since the very end of January. I was sad to let him go; I had such dreams and hopes and for some dumb reason his relapse and craziness took me by surprise for the 200th time. It was like I got punched in the gut and was numb from it.
But I KNEW what he was going to do with that widow woman and hurt as it did to do it, I had to let him go do it. It just wasn't helping him any to keep holding on and trying to prevent him from making that huge, disgusting mistake. So, I've been sad, crying like a baby, mood up and down, zombied, etc for going on 8 months. It's horrible but I know I will get through it and you will too!
Try to focus on the LESSON life is trying to teach you with this latest fiasco :O) Maybe that'll help some.
Thanks for your post. I have been feeling pretty down lately and the info you have shared has been helpful this afternoon. Even though I'm sad...
I think the fact that I judged the other person (crackhead #1, 12 years ago) made it easier for me to move on. I think I just was so disgusted to know what that person had done with another person of the opposite sex (long story) that I judged them. It was easy and I moved on. Looking back now, though, I see how judging him made it easy for me THEN, but judging someone else is not working through your own issues. Therefore, I now believe the fact that I didn't do all the work back then brought the entire lesson back for me to learn, now 12 years later! All I have to say to that is POOP!!! I wish I had done it "right" the FIRST time!
This time, Abundance, (crackhead #2) I have been so sad since the very end of January. I was sad to let him go; I had such dreams and hopes and for some dumb reason his relapse and craziness took me by surprise for the 200th time. It was like I got punched in the gut and was numb from it.
But I KNEW what he was going to do with that widow woman and hurt as it did to do it, I had to let him go do it. It just wasn't helping him any to keep holding on and trying to prevent him from making that huge, disgusting mistake. So, I've been sad, crying like a baby, mood up and down, zombied, etc for going on 8 months. It's horrible but I know I will get through it and you will too!
Try to focus on the LESSON life is trying to teach you with this latest fiasco :O) Maybe that'll help some.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by Abundance
Please share your stories of where you are now since you left the insanity... WHAT HAPPENS NEXT ?...........
one day at a time, i'm here, enjoying a stress and pain free life, just me and the kids. i honestly believe all the insanity really did go out the door with him. i'm not divorced yet but when the thought of him come to mind, i find myself doing a quick shake of the head saying "OH NO, I DO NOT FEEL LIKE GOING THROUGH ALL OF THAT"
it takes time ab, but one day at a time, it will get easier, i promise.
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