When does it get better?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
I too was facing codependency issues back in 1995-1997. I thought I had it all figured out... I was living the good life and I was "cured". Nope, my codependency manifested in other means. 2 babies in 20 months. 2nd baby has heart problems at 5 months .... then we get through that - about 18 months later he is diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. Go through that process and thank goodness he is A-symptomatic. THEN my oldest is being put under the microscope by his Kindergarten teacher - thinking he is aspergers. WHAT?? So that was really intense. Psychiatric testing and doing lots of researching on my part..... turns out - he is a UNIQUE kid! No box. I was fighting for my son...
Then... about a year later we get a divorce. Very soon after, I find myself a little involved with a closet meth head and then with my now *x* for 3 years.
FINALLY, I'm working on this codependency.
So AH - when you say that ... yeah ... I don't like or even want to admit it, but it's very true. I HAVE gotten better believe it or not, or maybe I've just been really good at avoiding?
After my youngest was born - I never really lost the weight and just put on 25 pounds more. Towards the end of my marriage I lost 50#'s and was coming to terms with some things that I didn't want to admit to myself. I wonder if it's because I was no longer hiding in the weight that I got scared and totally pushed him away...... which then opened up the door for me RUN and go out and find people with bigger problems - so I don't have to focus on myself?
There is so much in what you wrote that I'm going to have to blog / journal about it.
L2L - . I know, but I think it's going to be more so a lesson in hindsight. I feel as though if I try to analyze too much of the present, I end up feeling like time is going by very fast, and I'm moving very slowly.
Teke- I trust that it will get better... Patience is a virtue and one that I do not possess.
Anywho - back to regularly scheduled programming.......
What is your story after you crossed over from living in insanity ?
Then... about a year later we get a divorce. Very soon after, I find myself a little involved with a closet meth head and then with my now *x* for 3 years.
FINALLY, I'm working on this codependency.
So AH - when you say that
without a "baby" in your life, you feel lost and empty. and even tho you "perform" a lot of meditations and other spiritual rituals, you have yet to be truly able to simply sit with yourself and just BE............you are continually on the move, anxious, and jumping from one thing to the next....as if you are dodging an FBI surveillance team!
After my youngest was born - I never really lost the weight and just put on 25 pounds more. Towards the end of my marriage I lost 50#'s and was coming to terms with some things that I didn't want to admit to myself. I wonder if it's because I was no longer hiding in the weight that I got scared and totally pushed him away...... which then opened up the door for me RUN and go out and find people with bigger problems - so I don't have to focus on myself?
There is so much in what you wrote that I'm going to have to blog / journal about it.
L2L -
Try to focus on the LESSON life is trying to teach you with this latest fiasco :O) Maybe that'll help some.
Teke- I trust that it will get better... Patience is a virtue and one that I do not possess.
Anywho - back to regularly scheduled programming.......
What is your story after you crossed over from living in insanity ?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
((((((Abundance))))))))))
I think there are so many 'layers' of recovery...so hard to put a time table on even though I know it would be comforting to say it took x amount of time but its such a process.
The first layer for me was taking control of my finances...securing a place to live and finding a way to raise my son in a stable environment...slowly but surely digging out of the financial hole I found myself in at the end of my marriage to my exah. This step was a big one because it meant I finally accepted the reality of addiction and my powerlessness over it. Scary but necessary, ya know?
The next layer...and the one I struggled with for a really long time...was forgiving my exah and myself.
I had so much anger at him...at me...
Spent too much time thinking about things I could of, would of, should of done.
I beat myself up alot and I clung to my anger with my exah.
It wasn't until I could really forgive my exah and myself that I felt healing in my life.
Work on forgiving yourself, Abundance...
Work on forgiving him.
True forgiveness is hard but it really sets you free.
Hugs...
I know its not easy.
I think there are so many 'layers' of recovery...so hard to put a time table on even though I know it would be comforting to say it took x amount of time but its such a process.
The first layer for me was taking control of my finances...securing a place to live and finding a way to raise my son in a stable environment...slowly but surely digging out of the financial hole I found myself in at the end of my marriage to my exah. This step was a big one because it meant I finally accepted the reality of addiction and my powerlessness over it. Scary but necessary, ya know?
The next layer...and the one I struggled with for a really long time...was forgiving my exah and myself.
I had so much anger at him...at me...
Spent too much time thinking about things I could of, would of, should of done.
I beat myself up alot and I clung to my anger with my exah.
It wasn't until I could really forgive my exah and myself that I felt healing in my life.
Work on forgiving yourself, Abundance...
Work on forgiving him.
True forgiveness is hard but it really sets you free.
Hugs...
I know its not easy.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
The first layer for me was taking control of my finances...securing a place to live and finding a way to raise my son in a stable environment...slowly but surely digging out of the financial hole I found myself in at the end of my marriage to my exah. This step was a big one because it meant I finally accepted the reality of addiction and my powerlessness over it. Scary but necessary, ya know?
This really struck me when I read this ... I felt the spark inside me ignite!
I'll re- read the next layer- later... I just want to soak in this layer.
I was thinking, today, about how I"m going to tell my new boss about why I'm giving off crazy energy. I did tell him that I was recently single... and that I was with a guy who was 'troubled' and it was painful. Well, I started thinking about my life over the last year and it has *really* hit me just how f*cked my life became. I think that over time, the fog will keep disappearing....
Seriously- my life - not even just this past year. lets just say the last 5 years has been so out of control. I'm determined to get it back...!
I should look at my signature and answer my own question to this thread. It is not that it "GETS better"...... it's really about "GETTING better".
"Getting Better" is what's happening to me!
YouTube - Getting Better - The Beatles
I think that it's also a big swirl that happens..... going through all the stages of grief. When I'm in the sad/angry stage it feels like I'm going to be there for eternity! Truth is as well as LAW - 'change is forever constant' - and sure enough - will move out of that stage and into another one.
Right now, I feel I am in the acceptance stage.
Originally Posted by cinderellawkids 
I think too, that it depends on where you are at in your recovery as well as when acceptance takes hold and doesnt fall backwards.
Breaking down and phoning and now texting...
I'm staying true to myself and I'm not having the internal battle of right/wrong. I'm listening to my soul......
Last edited by Abundance; 09-29-2009 at 12:50 AM.
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YouTube - Jason Mraz - 0% Interest
Oh, the roads unencumbered by cats
They're burning like wet matches through my miracle mile mind
But it's all in my mind
You left your thumbprint inside me now for months it seems
But mine only brushes your soft surface
And somehow, somehow it leaves me listless
My tongue curls under my lips, oh, oh yes
So I can speak to tell you of the months before I met you, love
Oh, true love
And the way the truth it locked us
Right about the time after the lightning it shocked us
When we were young, when we were young and missing
'Round that small New England byway
Our lives they were sheltered then and I can remember
And I remember well, so well
It's almost too well
Well, it's not even being about that anymore
I gotta get you down
Those tiny fragments of perfection
They please me in a time unchanged
But it's all the same beginning
And it's a long awaited end
If I knew all the words I would write myself out of here
If I was all the colors I would paint you pretty in gold in a picture
Oh, the roads unencumbered by cats
They're burning like wet matches through my miracle mile mind
But it's all in my mind
You left your thumbprint inside me now for months it seems
But mine only brushes your soft surface
And somehow, somehow it leaves me listless
My tongue curls under my lips, oh, oh yes
So I can speak to tell you of the months before I met you, love
Oh, true love
And the way the truth it locked us
Right about the time after the lightning it shocked us
When we were young, when we were young and missing
'Round that small New England byway
Our lives they were sheltered then and I can remember
And I remember well, so well
It's almost too well
Well, it's not even being about that anymore
I gotta get you down
Those tiny fragments of perfection
They please me in a time unchanged
But it's all the same beginning
And it's a long awaited end
If I knew all the words I would write myself out of here
If I was all the colors I would paint you pretty in gold in a picture
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Abundance,
I had something I wanted to share with you, but I felt it might be a little bit to intense for this forum so I posted it over in the spirituality forum. Here is the link. I hope it helps
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2383611
Hugs,
Passion
I had something I wanted to share with you, but I felt it might be a little bit to intense for this forum so I posted it over in the spirituality forum. Here is the link. I hope it helps
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2383611
Hugs,
Passion
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
For me I kept cycling between various emotions, anger, hurt and resentment, etc, this lasted about 4 months. Only when I really wanted it to stop did it become easier. I found I kept hanging on to these emotions - in a unhealthy manner it still gave me "contact" with my EXAH, even though I wasn't seeing/speaking to him.
I stopped beating myself up emotionally for actually feeling feelings, I accepted what had happened, my part in it and gave it up.
I then made the decision that I was going to have the life that I wanted and that life was spiritually and physically healthy and that the only way to have it was to do it myself. No one else is responsible for my happiness, only me. I stopped smoking, took up yoga and meditation, lost weight, surrounded myself with healthy positive people and stopped associating with those who were not.
Today I am the person I dreamed about 18 months. I live each day to the best of my ability and I love me and my life. I have wonderful supportive friends, a great job, a tranquil home, financially secure for the first time in my life and look and feel 10 years younger.
Baby steps! It works 'cause you're worth it!
I stopped beating myself up emotionally for actually feeling feelings, I accepted what had happened, my part in it and gave it up.
I then made the decision that I was going to have the life that I wanted and that life was spiritually and physically healthy and that the only way to have it was to do it myself. No one else is responsible for my happiness, only me. I stopped smoking, took up yoga and meditation, lost weight, surrounded myself with healthy positive people and stopped associating with those who were not.
Today I am the person I dreamed about 18 months. I live each day to the best of my ability and I love me and my life. I have wonderful supportive friends, a great job, a tranquil home, financially secure for the first time in my life and look and feel 10 years younger.
Baby steps! It works 'cause you're worth it!
Awesome stuff King!!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by wuzzled
I don't have this story because I am still here. Maybe it's the AFTER that I am so afraid of?
Thing is though Wuzzled - if we don't look in the mirror now.... we will be jumping from another addict to another addict. I can speak from experience and so can many others.
That is why the "one day at a time" works for both addcits and codies. Expectations lead to future resentments - anyway. So - why even have them? Make the best of your life today, because (as morbid as this sounds) - when your day is over - you are just one day closer to death. Wipe your brow and think ... "PHEWWEEEE... I'm still breathing.... therefor I WANT to live... and I did the basics to provide me with life.... so... I'm OKAY!"
Saw my healer/therapist today - i was super happy about my job and that I was out of the massive depression..... and then I did a heavy sigh. She inquired and I told her about my getting in touch with my x. She asked me what I learned from it. ummmm ... that I'm human????
Wuzzled- reading these stories of folks who have btdt in this realm- meaning have gotten out of the fog of addiction ... see if you can picture yourself doing what they have done..... or being one with self and living in serenity. Can you picture it? Can you relate to any of these?
Also - it's okay to mourn, it's OKAY to cry..... you WILL come back to reality ... and as long as you keep questioning your sanity..... that means you are NOT insane!!!!!
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Posts: 1,307
Been a year!
Been a year......... and SO much has happened! Good and Bad.. but of course - that's *life*... isn't it?
Have you guys missed me? lol I sure have thought about you a lot and I purposely stayed away because I was moving forward (am moving forward) and felt that I was still staying in my sickness by coming here - like it was a reminder.
However; ..... SR SAVED MY LIFE!
Thank you Thank you Thank you!
It didn't save his life....... IT SAVED MY LIFE!
When I first came here - I was wanting to save him.... and quickly learned it wasn't about him... it was about ME!
Anywho - I just wanted to say that it's been a year and I've done a complete 180! Hawt dayum! I am a codie in recovery and recognize it every day! In ALL that I do.
OH... and to answer my own question........
It took about 6 months! 6 months where I stopped thinking about him upon waking and going to sleep. A year has gone by now and I wish him well, sometimes I'm a little bit angry at him, but then I stop and don't give my energy to it... for it doesn't matter. I don't contact him and he sends me the random "i miss you" or "i'm sorry" or "love you" texts. I ignore them. Like I said, I wish him well, but I have moved on... my life is *MY* life. And I'm LOVING IT!!!!!
Have you guys missed me? lol I sure have thought about you a lot and I purposely stayed away because I was moving forward (am moving forward) and felt that I was still staying in my sickness by coming here - like it was a reminder.
However; ..... SR SAVED MY LIFE!
Thank you Thank you Thank you!
It didn't save his life....... IT SAVED MY LIFE!
When I first came here - I was wanting to save him.... and quickly learned it wasn't about him... it was about ME!
Anywho - I just wanted to say that it's been a year and I've done a complete 180! Hawt dayum! I am a codie in recovery and recognize it every day! In ALL that I do.
OH... and to answer my own question........
It took about 6 months! 6 months where I stopped thinking about him upon waking and going to sleep. A year has gone by now and I wish him well, sometimes I'm a little bit angry at him, but then I stop and don't give my energy to it... for it doesn't matter. I don't contact him and he sends me the random "i miss you" or "i'm sorry" or "love you" texts. I ignore them. Like I said, I wish him well, but I have moved on... my life is *MY* life. And I'm LOVING IT!!!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 27
Wow. That description of processing "the end" is exactly what I needed to hear. I am in the thick of it. I keep replaying all the scenes in my mind and I wish I could think about other, more positive things!
It's hard not to second-guess, not to think of all the ways he made me feel loved (because he could be great, and he did many thoughtful, generous things). I do know, that the good guy was only around about 20% of the time. That good guy was phenomenal. But 20% does not a happy relationship make.
I'd be far worse off had I not found this site. Still, it is day by day, hour by hour. My last communication was 5 days ago. It's been over a month since I saw my ex. Thinking that I will likely never see him again, unless by accident, is sad and painful. But, it is what it is. He is who he is. It's not enough for me...he causes too much pain and I cannot trust him. Without trust, there is nothing.
Thank you all for helping me...
It's hard not to second-guess, not to think of all the ways he made me feel loved (because he could be great, and he did many thoughtful, generous things). I do know, that the good guy was only around about 20% of the time. That good guy was phenomenal. But 20% does not a happy relationship make.
I'd be far worse off had I not found this site. Still, it is day by day, hour by hour. My last communication was 5 days ago. It's been over a month since I saw my ex. Thinking that I will likely never see him again, unless by accident, is sad and painful. But, it is what it is. He is who he is. It's not enough for me...he causes too much pain and I cannot trust him. Without trust, there is nothing.
Thank you all for helping me...
Last edited by dkaye26; 06-19-2010 at 10:19 AM. Reason: I meant to say thanks to Abundance also. In particular for the great post above.
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(((BUMPING))) for Steve!
So... coming up on nearly 2 years for me since starting this thread.
Dare I answer my own question....
I can happily say that I am cohabiting with my bf and his daughter ... we were introduced by mutual friends... and took it very slowly. He knows about my recovery and is supportive of me "BEING ME!" He is interested in me, he is helpful, understanding, kind, considerate, a do-er and not a talker, ambitious, has integrity... just a really wonderful person. I can finally say that I am in a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. And the reason why I am is because I got healthy and continue on staying healthy ...
Now, his ex (baby's momma) is the female version of my ex. He hasn't had codependency training - but how he deals with her ... is like a *normie*. I guess you could say. His feathers don't get ruffled and he is calm and cool and just lets it roll off and TCOB as it pertains to him. And in my recovery, I've been able to just let him get on with it, where as before, I would have been telling him to do this and do that... in fact, I have even tried, but failed.. and now I'm just glad I don't have to wear that "codie - shirt" anymore.
Anywho - my boys proudly say... "Yeah my mom broke up with her ex after he cheated on her!!!!" LOL - okay maybe I shouldn't be laughing - but I'll tell you what - it makes me glad that they are proud of me for having value in myself. My oldest even said - "wasn't he a drug addict, anyway?" Now ... a couple years later for that to have come out... was like WOAH - yeah - the kids know - EVEN when we think they don't. And I think I did a great job of covering it up.
My life with my ex was the most un-congruent life I have ever noticeably experienced. I can now say I live a totally congruent life. I look at my worries now in comparison to what they used to be... and I just wonder how I even managed how I did. Being with an addict is not for the faint of heart.
Anywho - yeah- it takes a good 6 months. No contact is truly the key. Out of sight - out of mind.
And... as for the "layers" ... of which I only answered 1 of 2.... for the second one - I do forgive myself - and ya know- I pretty much always was forgiving him........ but I wasn't forgetting. IDK - if I ever will forget. Nor do I really ever want to. It's a reminder of how I DON'T ever want my life to be again.
Anywho - this bump was for the people who are scared/fearful of the unknown... of stepping out of codependency and into recovery. Not living how we only know how to live as co-dependents. There is healing and recovery - and there is living proof on this board that share their ESH... and boy am I ever so grateful to have known/to know that there is JOY on the other side
Like really... there really is!!!! Even if it means we are no longer with our addict.
Peace!
Dare I answer my own question....
I can happily say that I am cohabiting with my bf and his daughter ... we were introduced by mutual friends... and took it very slowly. He knows about my recovery and is supportive of me "BEING ME!"
He is interested in me, he is helpful, understanding, kind, considerate, a do-er and not a talker, ambitious, has integrity... just a really wonderful person. I can finally say that I am in a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. And the reason why I am is because I got healthy and continue on staying healthy ... Now, his ex (baby's momma) is the female version of my ex. He hasn't had codependency training - but how he deals with her ... is like a *normie*. I guess you could say. His feathers don't get ruffled and he is calm and cool and just lets it roll off and TCOB as it pertains to him. And in my recovery, I've been able to just let him get on with it, where as before, I would have been telling him to do this and do that... in fact, I have even tried, but failed.. and now I'm just glad I don't have to wear that "codie - shirt" anymore.
Anywho - my boys proudly say... "Yeah my mom broke up with her ex after he cheated on her!!!!" LOL - okay maybe I shouldn't be laughing - but I'll tell you what - it makes me glad that they are proud of me for having value in myself. My oldest even said - "wasn't he a drug addict, anyway?" Now ... a couple years later for that to have come out... was like WOAH - yeah - the kids know - EVEN when we think they don't. And I think I did a great job of covering it up.
My life with my ex was the most un-congruent life I have ever noticeably experienced. I can now say I live a totally congruent life. I look at my worries now in comparison to what they used to be... and I just wonder how I even managed how I did. Being with an addict is not for the faint of heart.
Anywho - yeah- it takes a good 6 months. No contact is truly the key. Out of sight - out of mind.
And... as for the "layers" ... of which I only answered 1 of 2.... for the second one - I do forgive myself - and ya know- I pretty much always was forgiving him........ but I wasn't forgetting. IDK - if I ever will forget. Nor do I really ever want to. It's a reminder of how I DON'T ever want my life to be again.
Anywho - this bump was for the people who are scared/fearful of the unknown... of stepping out of codependency and into recovery. Not living how we only know how to live as co-dependents. There is healing and recovery - and there is living proof on this board that share their ESH... and boy am I ever so grateful to have known/to know that there is JOY on the other side
Like really... there really is!!!! Even if it means we are no longer with our addict.
Peace!
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Location: Tn.
Posts: 29
I agree with puggs, I am currently away from AH since the 20th. I have been in relationship for 5 years of on and off addiction which has mentally & emotionally took me through there big time. I have seen him like 3 times since the 20th and he has been sober from what I see BUT at any given time I am prepared for him to go back, and I know in my heart that I WILL NOT enable him anymore or be co-dependent thanks to this site. I found this site on google and able to release my feelings and listen to other stories like mine some worse some no where near as bad. But this site in making me stronger day by day and having people that I can release my feelings to because for so long it was all my fault and I know better now and I heal daily and get stronger daily. It does make me feel good to hear negative things about him because we have children together and I want my children to know as least as possible so they don't think it's ok or go through the pain I have. It is embarrising ans shameful so I never talked to anyone. But finding this site and all these wonderful people I get a little stronger everyday. I wish I could meet these people in person and hud them so tight because I feel the pain and we all know talking in person is way better than internet but I don't trust anyone in my area because my AH is well known and irregardless of the situation he has a reputation and know matter what happens he keeps it, so in order for our safety I remain silent in my hometown and discuss everything here where nobody knows who I am but can help me through my situations and pain I love this site and hope to never lose all of you guys because I'm learning about co-dependency, enabling, and then learning it's not my fault as it was confied in me it was etc. this is the life of a addict and I am powerless. Only God can change him, I have a CRAZY AH too. Like baseball bats, guns, anything if he has a short thought or gesture of me with someone else period. Sorry for venting and this being so long just my feelings. Hope this helps
I love this site and hope to never lose all of you guys because I'm learning about co-dependency, enabling, and then learning it's not my fault as it was confied in me it was etc. this is the life of a addict and I am powerless. Only God can change him, I have a CRAZY AH too. Like baseball bats, guns, anything if he has a short thought or gesture of me with someone else period. Sorry for venting and this being so long just my feelings. Hope this helps
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WOW i needed that I have children involved too and this is new to me but they do know and I covered it for so long finally I had to say yes Daddy is a addict and he needs help and until he is well we have to let Daddy go so our lives don't continue this way. We fought, he currsed me all the time, degraded me all the time, left all the time, stole all the time, and I was always playing catch up just so I had lights and food(robbing peter to pay paul). I have only been so called clear since the 20th but he calls everyday and sounds to be sober however it's a little to late to say I'm sorry again! I have to stand my ground and keep pushing 2 of our kids are 2& 4 and want to see daddy because they don't fully understand the 10,12, & 16 don't. They are so tiredof living life in this that my 12 year old said if she knew how to shoot a gun she would have you know what and this DISHEARTENED me because I didn't realize how bad it was truly hurting the kids and they were too scared to tell me afraid it would cause another fight
I have children involved too and this is new to me but they do know and I covered it for so long finally I had to say yes Daddy is a addict and he needs help and until he is well we have to let Daddy go so our lives don't continue this way. We fought, he currsed me all the time, degraded me all the time, left all the time, stole all the time, and I was always playing catch up just so I had lights and food(robbing peter to pay paul). I have only been so called clear since the 20th but he calls everyday and sounds to be sober however it's a little to late to say I'm sorry again! I have to stand my ground and keep pushing 2 of our kids are 2& 4 and want to see daddy because they don't fully understand the 10,12, & 16 don't. They are so tiredof living life in this that my 12 year old said if she knew how to shoot a gun she would have you know what and this DISHEARTENED me because I didn't realize how bad it was truly hurting the kids and they were too scared to tell me afraid it would cause another fight
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