returning
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: toronto, on
Posts: 59
returning
hi everyone,
it's been a long time.
i posted 4-5 times on this site back in january '08. i was trying to quit drinking and had just broken up with my partner. i am with a new partner now - actually, the love of my life, and that has been the catalyst to me quitting now for good.
i had actually decided that i'd just keep drinking. that my addiction wasn't 'that bad.' that i'd be a semi-functional alcoholic till the day i died.
but on september 8th, 2009 something happened that changed everything...
my girl & i (i adore her - crazy about her - worship her) went out for some pints (as we'd been doing with increased vigour over the summer). while we were walking homewards my girlfriend got upset and started laying into me. she has been verbally abusive in the past and usually i just take it. it would get much worse when she would drink. (especially draft beer for some reason...) anyway, to make a very long story short, we had a huge horrible fight w/ her screaming at me, calling me all sorts of horrible names. i lingered outside the house for awhile, not sure what to do to, only knowing that i wanted to keep drinking. so i went into the house and poured a very stiff vodka & soda. i then yelled at my girlfriend, saying that what she'd said to me was unacceptable. things escalated quickly from there and i ended up pushing her. she came at me, fists flying and we scuffled for a bit and she said it was over between us and ran inside crying. i immediately went from pure rage to pure grief/remorse and followed her inside, apologizing over and over...
i managed somehow not to lose the love of my life. she didn't leave me that night. but the next night we went out for dinner and had plans to go to see live music w/ friends (hard-drinking friends). over dinner we talked about how much we would drink at the show. she said she wouldn't have more than 3 beers. i said i wouldn't have more than 6. and then it struck me. i was completely helpless. after the horrible incident where i turned into a monster (i've always been a very friendly amicable drunk) i felt like just lying on the floor & drinking vodka from a straw, my pain/grief/remorse was so bad & so i was desperate to drink that night. over dinner i told her that i had to stop drinking. that i hated it for the control it has on me, how desperate it's making me feel, for how badly i want it, for what it made me do to her... so i quit there and then.
i quit drinking on september 9th, 09.
my girlfriend and i are on our 11th day of sobriety.
i told her a few days ago that there's nothing else in the world that would've made me quit. i told her that there's no way that what i did was a good thing, and would never be a good thing, but that it's a fact that i was never going to quit for MY sake or the sake of my health. i told her how i remembered thinking over the summer how probably the drinking would eventually impact my health but that i didn't imagine that would make me stop. but hurting someone that i care about more than any other person in the world was the clincher.
i guess it would've been best to have quit for love of myself but sometimes that kind of love just ain't there - which is probably one of the reasons i started drinking in the first place.
the physical withdrawal hasn't been as bad as i thought. i'm grateful as heck for:
dark chocolate
coffee
cigarettes
perrier
desserts
definitely noticing:
insomnia
'the blues'
but on a positive note:
less puffy
brighter eyed
more interest in things i had had interest in before
sorry for the novella folks. just needed to share my story somewhere...
~pancake
it's been a long time.
i posted 4-5 times on this site back in january '08. i was trying to quit drinking and had just broken up with my partner. i am with a new partner now - actually, the love of my life, and that has been the catalyst to me quitting now for good.
i had actually decided that i'd just keep drinking. that my addiction wasn't 'that bad.' that i'd be a semi-functional alcoholic till the day i died.
but on september 8th, 2009 something happened that changed everything...
my girl & i (i adore her - crazy about her - worship her) went out for some pints (as we'd been doing with increased vigour over the summer). while we were walking homewards my girlfriend got upset and started laying into me. she has been verbally abusive in the past and usually i just take it. it would get much worse when she would drink. (especially draft beer for some reason...) anyway, to make a very long story short, we had a huge horrible fight w/ her screaming at me, calling me all sorts of horrible names. i lingered outside the house for awhile, not sure what to do to, only knowing that i wanted to keep drinking. so i went into the house and poured a very stiff vodka & soda. i then yelled at my girlfriend, saying that what she'd said to me was unacceptable. things escalated quickly from there and i ended up pushing her. she came at me, fists flying and we scuffled for a bit and she said it was over between us and ran inside crying. i immediately went from pure rage to pure grief/remorse and followed her inside, apologizing over and over...
i managed somehow not to lose the love of my life. she didn't leave me that night. but the next night we went out for dinner and had plans to go to see live music w/ friends (hard-drinking friends). over dinner we talked about how much we would drink at the show. she said she wouldn't have more than 3 beers. i said i wouldn't have more than 6. and then it struck me. i was completely helpless. after the horrible incident where i turned into a monster (i've always been a very friendly amicable drunk) i felt like just lying on the floor & drinking vodka from a straw, my pain/grief/remorse was so bad & so i was desperate to drink that night. over dinner i told her that i had to stop drinking. that i hated it for the control it has on me, how desperate it's making me feel, for how badly i want it, for what it made me do to her... so i quit there and then.
i quit drinking on september 9th, 09.
my girlfriend and i are on our 11th day of sobriety.
i told her a few days ago that there's nothing else in the world that would've made me quit. i told her that there's no way that what i did was a good thing, and would never be a good thing, but that it's a fact that i was never going to quit for MY sake or the sake of my health. i told her how i remembered thinking over the summer how probably the drinking would eventually impact my health but that i didn't imagine that would make me stop. but hurting someone that i care about more than any other person in the world was the clincher.
i guess it would've been best to have quit for love of myself but sometimes that kind of love just ain't there - which is probably one of the reasons i started drinking in the first place.
the physical withdrawal hasn't been as bad as i thought. i'm grateful as heck for:
dark chocolate
coffee
cigarettes
perrier
desserts
definitely noticing:
insomnia
'the blues'
but on a positive note:
less puffy
brighter eyed
more interest in things i had had interest in before
sorry for the novella folks. just needed to share my story somewhere...
~pancake
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I love to hear the stories of the crazy **** couples do after they went out drinking!!
Something about drinking brings to the surface all the crap we'd snuff under the surface to a boil.
It's always best to have a partner willing to stop drinking with you
best of luck to both of you on your sobriety
Something about drinking brings to the surface all the crap we'd snuff under the surface to a boil.
It's always best to have a partner willing to stop drinking with you
best of luck to both of you on your sobriety
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
I remember my husband and I having heated battles - & in the middle of them one of us would look at the other and say, "Uh, what is it we're fighting about?" Neither of us would remember. If that's not a sick waste of time! That didn't stop me, though - kept going for many more years. Always meant to just have a few. A few would always become 10+.
888 it's great you found your way back here and I'm glad you have a new person in your life. I too have cravings for chocolate & coffee - diet sodas, ice cream too. For awhile I was addicted to tootsie pops every night - I think I was missing the sugar, plus needed to calm my nerves. Congratulations on your new beginning.
888 it's great you found your way back here and I'm glad you have a new person in your life. I too have cravings for chocolate & coffee - diet sodas, ice cream too. For awhile I was addicted to tootsie pops every night - I think I was missing the sugar, plus needed to calm my nerves. Congratulations on your new beginning.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Yeah, I remember those fights too. It seemed that it was the only thing my husband and I knew how to do.
Since I've been sober, we haven't had an argument for months...and it's been great. We are getting to know each other again.
Since I've been sober, we haven't had an argument for months...and it's been great. We are getting to know each other again.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
888 Pancakes,
Strange, but your story left me feeling really good.... so
to you and your girlfriend and y'all's 11 days.
Most intro stories don't do that to me... you come pre-equipped with a positive outcome.
Strange, but your story left me feeling really good.... so
to you and your girlfriend and y'all's 11 days. Most intro stories don't do that to me... you come pre-equipped with a positive outcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: toronto, on
Posts: 59
thanks to everyone for the warm words of support and encouragement.
i'd like to report that it's day 13 now and i'm going strong!
i found two really helpful things that i wanted to share with everyone.
1) an herb called 'kudzu' - google it. it's really helpful in controlling cravings. really, really helpful! i started taking it y'day and last night i didn't need to eat any sweets (for the first time since i quit).
2) a book called 'the zen of recovery' by mel ash. it's really speaking to me. i feel lucky - feel like i picked up 'the perfect book' for where i'm at right now.
day 13 and counting...
power to recovery and recoverers everywhere!! :ghug3
i'd like to report that it's day 13 now and i'm going strong!
i found two really helpful things that i wanted to share with everyone.
1) an herb called 'kudzu' - google it. it's really helpful in controlling cravings. really, really helpful! i started taking it y'day and last night i didn't need to eat any sweets (for the first time since i quit).
2) a book called 'the zen of recovery' by mel ash. it's really speaking to me. i feel lucky - feel like i picked up 'the perfect book' for where i'm at right now.
day 13 and counting...
power to recovery and recoverers everywhere!! :ghug3
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