outonalimb

Came across a great quote the other day...and haven't stopped thinking about it since...

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them Thomas Merton

So true!

I was the wife of an addict. He wasn't an addict when I met him...I think he had all the makings of an addict but he wasn't using drugs. And man, I loved him. I did. And then addiction entered our marriage and that love morphed into something else. Although I told myself and others that I stayed against all logic and reason because I LOVED him, I didn't. The lies and deceit gradually destroyed my love for him but I thought the strange mix of feelings I had were love. I mean, why else would someone stay and subject themselves to that type of pain? It just HAD TO BE love. Right?

No.

To this day I can't fully explain why I stayed as long as I did but I really think its because I lost myself. Gradually, I lost my sense of self. I didn't even recognize the person I had become. I didn't know it at the time but I defined myself thru him. I was the wife of an addict. His problems were my problems. His fate, mine.

I think deep down I knew that if I left, I wouldn't know who I was. My life might have been horrible by any accounts but it was MINE. I think the hardest part about stepping away was that I had to focus on my life...and admit that my life had become a train wreck because I let it. I wasn't a victim. I was a willing participant. Ouch. That hurt more than anything.

Redefining myself...and the way I see myself and my place in this world has been quite a journey. I still have a long way to go but I can honestly say that my reflection isn't shaped or distorted by another person's addiction. And I am so grateful.

Maybe this quote speaks to you too?

Ann

Reversing the above a little, as a codependent I was a reflection of everyone I loved. I was my mother's daughter, my husband's wife, my son's mother, my employer's employee...playing the roles to perfection, I had more masks than Lon Chaney. The thing is, I completely lost sight of who I was and what I wanted from life.

Recovery helped me figure out who that "stranger called me" was and helped me learn to like her and treat her well and follow her dreams.

I know that's not what Mr. Merton was saying, but it is what my mind went to when I read it.

Hugs

outonalimb

Wow...Ann...I never saw the quote that way but you are so right.

We think we need to play the role to earn the love.
But whatever we think we're getting out of the deal isn't really love now is it?? We aren't really open to it because we're trying so hard to 'perform'.

Hhhmmmmm...........
very interesting............

Ann

What you said above is much the same thing. I'm just saying that what Merton says works two ways...it's about two people who can each be themself and each can totally accept the other person as they are, then that's love.

I remember once someone speaking of the Venn Diagram (shown below). Using it to define a healthy relationship (or real love) The A would represent me as an individual and B would represent the person I love, and C would represent "us" as a couple in a relationship. If A or B is not a healthy person, then C will not be a healthy relationship. And although we intertwine, there is a part of us that remains just "us" and that should not be lost in the relationship.

Didn't mean to get deep, but I have always remembered the Venn Diagram analogy.

IPT

what a fanstic post. I need to sit with this a bit when I have more time. I can relate to that quote though. I laid there next to her and wasn;t sure I loved her....but I had such strong feelings for her...they weren't love? Can we confuse overwhelming feelings of compassion, sorrow, and sympathy for love?

greeteachday

Exactly...And as Ann said, my codependency lead me to define myself through everyone else and not to know who I was. Sometimes I still feel kinda guilty that I no longer am "so invoved." That just tells me that I am still a work in progress.

Great post Mary. I am so thrilled to see you around - I've missed you

Clover7

outonalimb, I relate to this post so much, I am still with my RABF, but I often don't know why, I tell myself that I love him, but sometimes I wonder if I really do. Reading your post made me realize that it's really because I don't know who I am without him, I don't know how to let go of him and his problems, because then no one would need me.

IPT

I’ve sat with this quote for a while now and I still am unsure of what it was that I felt for this women. I never really lost a sense of myself in my relationship. My life in part did become about her (trying to “fix” the relationship, get her to communicate, etc) but throughout it I never missed a day of work, stopped running my business, working out, or doing the things I enjoyed.

As person who has commitment issues I think I was just enthralled that I “felt” (powerful emotions) toward her. Maybe it was an unconscious awareness of me knowing it was safe to feel toward her because she was unable to commit herself. Maybe it was as I stated earlier that I felt such strong FEELINGS of sympathy, sadness, and hope for her that I misinterpreted those feelings and emotions as love. Maybe like you, I did really love (her) for a long time. By the time I questioned my love for her we’d been thru hell and back several times and I was not sure I loved her anymore. Maybe I did love her and it just died, stifled by her addiction and lack of participation in nurturing and growing the relationship and the love it once housed….